Happy February 14th

It's supposed to be a day of love and happiness. It's also Chinese New Year so double whammy!

I fked it all up tho.

What started as a normal nice conversation with The Boy turned into a noxious blend of crying a begging on my part. And I totally deserve it.

What happened? I fked up that's what happened. 14 months ago I clicked around The Boy's computer one day and read something I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have clicked around in the first place. I have no excuse for what I did. I know it was wrong. I've passed over meals just thinking about what I've done. And I would never condone what I did to anyone.

What I would do is encourage them to admit it. Even if they don't ask.

I admitted it. He took it hard. He's never done anything like that to me. I should never have done anything like that to him. And even if he did its not something I would consider important. We all take responsibility for our own actions and face the consequences. I'm facing mine.

I may have completely screwed over a good thing. But I couldn't bear not saying anything about it and pretending that it didn't happen when it did.

I don't want to preach. But if I did:

Love is about understanding. Love is about acceptance. Love is admitting when you are wrong and accepting the consequences. Even if it is heartbreak. Because in the end, you can't make someone Love you. You can only be Loved, and if you have just that, you're lucky. It's the one thing in the world no one can take away but yourself.

To The Boy:

Maybe I thought wrong about us and it something that we can't get over. I can't not make it happen but I can try to make up for it. I don't know how. I don't know what it would take. I don't know what you are thinking but I can only hope that you'll forgive me.

And if you don't, not every woman is like me. Don't let me be the one who ruins Love for you. Because it's not fair for the lucky lady that gets to have your Love and trust.

Trust is something you earn. It's not given freely. And you trusted me and I abused it and I can promise that I will never do that again. Actions speak louder than words and I'm praying for the chance to earn that trust again.

* * *

It's funny. I hate those despicable losers who cheat on their girlfriends and significant others with such a passion. I have always said to hell with them. But I have always been an advocate for the second chance.

I know that it sounds self-serving now, given what has happened, but it's the truth. And dear blogosphere, I have never told you anything but the truth. If they fk up once, shit, but you learn from your mistakes. Fk up twice, and that's it. If they haven't learned then they never will.

Whatever the outcome dear blogosphere, I've learned my lesson the hard way. But that's the important thing isn't it? That I've learned.

Never to do it again. Never to treat someone's trust so lightly. Never take anything for granted.

And always tell the truth.