Moving on?

So its been more than a week since.

How am I faring?

Ok I guess.

Mornings are considerably easier. It doesn't hurt as much. The pangs are more or less gone, save for the times when I glimpse at a couple that reminds me of what used to be us, then it twinges.

I saw Azzy and bf in the street today while walking back home. Surreal. I always thought (cruelly probably) that we would at least outlast them. Guess not.

I have to stop referring to the past us as "us". It's not past continuous.

But enough moping. Have to get on with life.

Tho I did admit to Mel and Andrea that about half of my motivation for staying is gone. It's still there and it's still worth staying, but I didn't realise how much of the urge to stay was driven by my heart as it were. I'm such a soppy person.

It's always the hard nuts that are the soft cookies in the end.

Oh and P.S. I've learned to cry thanks to the Ex-Boy. And when he ended things, the tears wouldn't stop. It didn't feel like it would, but it's good to get it out of your system as quickly as possible. No point smothering it and pretending that it's gone when it's just buried.

Need to find a new hobby. Or at least a hobby. I'm moving house soon too. To closer to work. And am thinking about getting a new laptop. I've popped open my budget but I'll get it after I move so there's just less stuff for me to transport.

Also Keylet has decided to charge us cleaning fines. For stupid things. I'm fighting it, but I want my damn bond back. There is absolutely no reason for them to charge us and I don't care how long it takes.

Heartache still. Only cos I saw Azzy today with her Boy. And also cos Azzy was one of my links to him. I assume she knows. I bumped into her on Saturday at her work and she didn't mention him. Facebook has it's uses :)

I think I should blog more often. Maybe that'll be my hobby till ! find one that isn't so sedentary.

Also, 22 years old on Saturday! Dinner with Mel and Andrea and work ppl on Friday and gym on Saturday. 10 pound entry. I'm thinking of going for a spa thing but I might not now. I thought I had a voucher but turns out it's only a 10 pound discount.

I'll see how I feel later on this week. It's pay week as well. Yay for Friday!

Well, I don't feel like I should end on such a high, seeing as I'm not really feeling it, so it's bye for now. Till next time blogglar.

There isn't any more

Yes yes.

Another End.

The Boy did it. Not me this time.

I'm supposed to chat with him tonight to get it clear why and that but I figured I'd better update you first cos it's been a while, hasn't it bloggy dearest?

It happened Sunday night during our scheduled chats on Skype. I didn't really see it coming. I lost the fear of losing him somewhere around the 1st year. It's not good to be paranoid that things aren't going to work out. I was at Andrea's place with Melody and we just had steamed fish dinner. I was stuffed.

I went to Andrea's room and talked like I normally do. The mood shifted slightly and we both got a bit quiet. I can't describe it but I was semi bracing myself for something ominous. I was rocked tho. No matter how prepared you are, it's never enough. And I wasn't prepared at all for that.

Needless to say it's beyond saving now. Its painful to say it, but to be honest I don't think there's any way back for us after this heartbreak. I wouldn't trust the fracture to heal.

So I'm supposed to talk to him tonight to clear the air about why. He did say why yesterday but honestly, I wasn't really in the frame of mind to take it in. I owe it to my future self to get closure now, no matter ho much it hurts.

This time, the tag is truly appropriate.

Happy February 14th

It's supposed to be a day of love and happiness. It's also Chinese New Year so double whammy!

I fked it all up tho.

What started as a normal nice conversation with The Boy turned into a noxious blend of crying a begging on my part. And I totally deserve it.

What happened? I fked up that's what happened. 14 months ago I clicked around The Boy's computer one day and read something I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have clicked around in the first place. I have no excuse for what I did. I know it was wrong. I've passed over meals just thinking about what I've done. And I would never condone what I did to anyone.

What I would do is encourage them to admit it. Even if they don't ask.

I admitted it. He took it hard. He's never done anything like that to me. I should never have done anything like that to him. And even if he did its not something I would consider important. We all take responsibility for our own actions and face the consequences. I'm facing mine.

I may have completely screwed over a good thing. But I couldn't bear not saying anything about it and pretending that it didn't happen when it did.

I don't want to preach. But if I did:

Love is about understanding. Love is about acceptance. Love is admitting when you are wrong and accepting the consequences. Even if it is heartbreak. Because in the end, you can't make someone Love you. You can only be Loved, and if you have just that, you're lucky. It's the one thing in the world no one can take away but yourself.

To The Boy:

Maybe I thought wrong about us and it something that we can't get over. I can't not make it happen but I can try to make up for it. I don't know how. I don't know what it would take. I don't know what you are thinking but I can only hope that you'll forgive me.

And if you don't, not every woman is like me. Don't let me be the one who ruins Love for you. Because it's not fair for the lucky lady that gets to have your Love and trust.

Trust is something you earn. It's not given freely. And you trusted me and I abused it and I can promise that I will never do that again. Actions speak louder than words and I'm praying for the chance to earn that trust again.

* * *

It's funny. I hate those despicable losers who cheat on their girlfriends and significant others with such a passion. I have always said to hell with them. But I have always been an advocate for the second chance.

I know that it sounds self-serving now, given what has happened, but it's the truth. And dear blogosphere, I have never told you anything but the truth. If they fk up once, shit, but you learn from your mistakes. Fk up twice, and that's it. If they haven't learned then they never will.

Whatever the outcome dear blogosphere, I've learned my lesson the hard way. But that's the important thing isn't it? That I've learned.

Never to do it again. Never to treat someone's trust so lightly. Never take anything for granted.

And always tell the truth.

New uh... something

I feel like screaming.

Screaming out of frustration. Screaming out of anger. Screaming out of joy. A whole convulsion of emotions and there’s no right way to express them.

My whole body is twisted up in knots and those knots in unbreakable elastic bonds to another, miles away. I want to pound on the floor and beseech the sky to open up and drown me.

I have been watching RSC’s Hamlet in BBC iPlayer. Can you tell?

Ok, enough with the dramatics.

In truth, there’s not much to be all emotional about anymore. There’s a yes or a no and the answer is which path you take. Unfortunately I can’t help but wonder what will happen down that path. I worry so much about the next step that I forget to enjoy the last one I took. It’s a shit way of going but its what I’m used to.

I wish it were different but how can I complain when so many have gone down the same path and have gone so much further than me? Is there something wrong with me? Should I just stand still?

The problem with me is that I stop to look at the map and stop and ask directions that I never really get to where I’m going and I hardly enjoy the ride. Maybe if I had a car. Or a bicycle. Or at least knew where the heck I’m going.

* * *

HAPPY NEW YEAR! also

Communication frustration

You’ve all heard of sexual frustration – you wanna do it, but you can’t. Same same.

1. France just wants to fk with me. Apparently this complete lack on internet-connectivity is not isolated to one university in one lone part of France, it’s nation-wide. Save the little children from cyber-pedos but wreck all forms of long-distance relationships, why don’t you? Yes, we all know French women are born and bred to sex up the world but you don’t have to give them their own private hunting ground. It’s not fair.
   
   
2. Bloody paperwork and customer service. Both in their extremes in France and neither in the good way. Duplicates, triplicates, come back tomorrow, next week, when we call you back. Nothing ever gets done in France unless you grab someone by the balls and yank at them until their eyes water. That or just suck it in and wait for freaking ages. I should know, I’m waiting still.
   
   
3. Blocking Skype. What the fk is up with that? I mean, what are you so afraid people are going to talk about? If it’s bandwidth you are so pissy about then just don’t give people internet in the first place and they won’t complain about it to you.
   
   
4. MSN Messenger for Mac – has no video capabilities. We know you’re ugly Steve Jobs, not everyone else is. Be a man.
   
   
5. It’s probably due to the time of night, but would it kill you to sound a little more enthusiastic when I call you? We haven’t spoken in a week, at least some sign that you still realise that I mean something to you would be nice. I’ve generally given you the benefit of the doubt and say that you’re tired, you’ve had a long day, you’ve had a stressful week – but given that you cut our conversation short and that we don’t get the chance to get pissed over the “phone”, I feel like I have the right to vent my immediate feelings here. Talking about the fact that you’re still going to be in France next year isn’t one of the glowing points on my list of things that make me smile at the moment. I’m glad that you get to do what you want but I’m not totally ok with it yet – I’m worried. Day by day, Sara. Day by day.

That’s all from me bloggy. It’s been a wonky day. I’m still sore from netball practice on Friday which isn’t at all helping my mood. I want ice cream and chocolate and maybe both. But heaven forbid that I get fat. That wouldn’t help at all, would it?

Forgive us our sins

I didn't go to Church like I was supposed to, even if I have had a hard week and an hour in church would have done me some good. Instead, I bummed around at home, did a bit of work and watched QI and Whose Line like a maniac.

To be fair, I was talking to my best friend so in light of that I think I should be granted a reprieve. Maybe I'll go to Mass on Wednesday at the University Chaplaincy. It’s a thought. I don’t make excuses for not going to church for others; I really make them for myself. I know I should go, and I should have gone – but it didn’t. *guilt*

* * *

I think I might have to take up a part-time job or something. The bills are coming in and they are shocking! I’m starting to truly realise how hard it is to keep a house. I’m horrified at the amounts…

I’m thinking: the money that TK is paying for rent should be able to cover the bills for this month. I don’t know what Tash will say but I hope she understands. I didn’t take into account how expensive the electricity is. Yikes…

* * *

I called The Boy today, after I exercised a great deal of self control and didn’t call him at all yesterday (there’s a feat to be proud of)!

I don’t know whether is because we’ve been together for a while or the fact that we’re no longer in the same time zone but he’s become a lot more vocal about his feelings and things. I’m leaning towards the latter reason but whatever it is, I like it :D

It sucks that he doesn’t have internet yet – hopefully he will by the end of the month – but skype is keeping us in touch and alright on the relationship front. It’s a bit like an addictive drug, you need your fixes once in a while.

I will admit to fits of jealousy and paranoia but what girlfriend doesn’t have them when their Boy is in a different country and not picking up his phone for 2 days? I don’t want to justify mad crazy girlfriends but I don’t do anything until I can talk to him. He should have his reasons. Then I calmly ask. Then I get angry. I think at that point I have the right to get angry – but it doesn’t last. You need to blow off steam and frustration occasionally.

* * *

We had English “class” last week. My spelling is atrocious. I do rely heavily on spell check I admit but mostly because I can’t touch type and I generally know what letters go where. I hope that I don’t get selected to sit for more English classes. More than anything, I don’t think I could stand the shame…

Crummiest Day

Today has possibly been the crummiest day.

Got a letter from the bank saying that the account is going to be charged £25 overdraft fees for an overdraft that was caused by the other account holder - who doesn't seem to be giving a shit.

Yesterday the guy that was supposed to rent the room that is available in my flat decided not to because he doesn't have a UK guarantor - and the girl that really wanted the room hasn't called me back even tho she said she would.

I called The Boy on skype and he didn't pick up - twice.

Any one of these things would have made my day bad but bearable. All three in one day, all occurring in less than 1 hour of each other has got to be a new record.

I can't be bothered anymore to think of the reasons why or justify them, no matter how rational or logical. The fact that they have happened is bad enough and I am too tired to think of all the optimistic, positive reasons. They have happened, and they suck. Life goes on.

Today is officially a Fk-It Day.

Supposed to be reading...

At the moment my favourite hobby is thinking up romantic, poetic things to send thru sms to The Boy in France. Inspiration comes in many shapes and forms. To list a few:

• a WH Auden poetry quote
• A Savage Garden song

I'm trying to keep them few and far between so as to keep them special and rare if you like. It's tempting to spend the whole day just coming up with some really handkerchief-soaking gems but I've set a 2-a-day limit which serves the above purpose as well as making sure I don't get too carried away and distracted from what work I have to do for class. Tomorrow! Gasps!

Suggestions are more than welcome tho my personal tastes are non-cheesy yet romantically inclined. The whole "Roses are red, violets are blue..." is tres cliche unless it's got a cute kick at the end.

* * *

I've always claimed to be a soft ol' romantic at heart and I like that I can stretch those poetry-loving heart-strings of mine. Bravo to France!

* * *

It was The Boy's birthday yesterday! I called him a couple of times as is appropriate for The Girl to do when it is The Boy's birthday and they are not in the same country but both do not have Skype. Unfortunately, Tottenham were playing United at White Hart Lane yesterday too so against my life-long loyalties and as a sign of affection, I traded loyalties for a few days as a present. Granted, United won 3-1 (of course) but I must say that Spurs are looking well on form and could possibly break into the top 4 this year, if not at least finish in the top 6.

The Boy mentioned that I was the only one to call him that day. Of course. I'm the only one that has his number. Silly. His fb wall was littered with loads of well-wishers but I always consider fb birthday wishes to be a little superficial. The fb wall is a bit whoreish - it takes whatever it can get and it doesn't care how many. I hope I don't sound jealous or envious. I should mention that I take the same attitude to birthday greetings on my own page.

I posted The Boy's present a few days ago but he didn't get it on time. Boo! I hope it at least arrives by tomorrow. I hope it at least gets to him. I don't want to think about if it got lost in the mail (!). I may well cry. So since he hasn't gotten it yet, I can't reveal what it is but I do hope he likes it.

Summer's Over

I have less than 30 seconds to write this. I am quite annoyed.

I don't know why I'm even here sometimes.

Sunny Monday

Woke up this morning with the radiant glow of sunshine permeating through my curtains. Spent an hour reading my latest Jeffery Archer acquisition until I felt too hungry to go and strolled down the corridor to do the toothbrushing business and make some breakfast. No cereal and milk this time – soup noodles with mince beef, veggies and egg! Lovely and warm even if it was a bit too dilute. Didn’t really care, I was too hungry.

Telly time in the living room so while scarfing away at my home-made bowl of flavoured water and noodles, I watched Criminal Intent and Privileged. Currently in the process of watching SVU which I think is far more interesting that the previous two, although am a bit saddened to discover that there is only one season of Privileged. I quite like the character development but I can see how it can get quite annoying.

Rafie came and bought my home phone which I bought from the antiques shop. I got a nicer one on ebay for about the same price and anyway, I can’t return the one off ebay can I...

Thinking of what else I have to do for the rest of the day: watch the remaining recorded episodes of whatever is on the Sky+ box, return pan scourers to Tesco Express and… I’m out of ideas.

* * *

Call the Boy – but he’s busy/I’ve got nothing interesting to say.

Don’t call the Boy – but I miss his voice.

There’s a catch 22 if I ever saw one. Damned if I do, and damned if I don’t.

* * *

Ah yes, buy new batteries for my wireless mouse. Tho I may have some spare, I can’t find them…

Poetry

I'm scared. Confused.
Like I'm peering into the the darkness
and all I see is a light that blinds.

Shell shock. Mortar bombed.
The dust cloud rises up
and obscures what should be clear.

The radio crackles in silence.
Surrounded by a choking warmth
my skin shivers in fere.

How did it come to this?
A hatred of the soft
and the condemnation of the lost.

-Anon, 2009

Solitudeness

I feel like I'm in a white washed bubble. Something like the white room/place in the Matrix. Cept I'm there all by alone feeling sorry for myself.

Sounds so pathetic.

Oh well. I'll take a gander round and see if I can't find a door or at least some company.

Oh yes. Exams on the 12th, 22nd and 26th.

Good luck to everyone for theirs.

Good Friday. Sit. Stay. Play Dead

I think the post title is a little blasphemous but I'm ok with it. If Jesus can't laugh at himself, then he's no fun.

I haven't scrolled thru or re-read my blog in a while but I can't help but remember what I wrote last Good Friday and what was planned for that day. It was a day in March and further research leads me to declare that it indeed was March 21 2008.

I can still remember how I felt and what I wanted to say that day. The Boy and I weren't getting along and frankly he was avoiding me altogether. Fair enough, I had ticked him off and we were actually supposed to have dinner that night. I felt one of us had to reach out to the other one, even if it was just in the form of a friendly handshake to say "that's it I guess". And to all intents and purposes it was just a last-gasp, sombre shot at at least mending the friendship. I was rather bummed out thinking about what we could have been doing at the dinner and the fish fingers I had cooked up for myself weren't helping any.

To be perfectly honest, I can't really remember what I had for dinner that night but as my staple food for the last months of Year 2 consisted mainly of fish fingers and potato waffles, it's a safe bet that was probably it.

Back to the story behind the post...

I remember feeling mildly defeated. Mainly because I didn't expect The Boy to cancel. Or rather, to agree to cancel. But fair play to him, he was really upset. I remember from the time he had asked me to dinner a good two weeks before the date, I was getting all giddy and excited about it. And for it to just vanish in a few words really took the wind out of my sails. It did make me think back and wonder what I said wrong and try to figure out what exactly happened from his point of view.

Yeah, we didn't have the smoothest of starts...

What did I do? I couldn't think of anything. If it's something I can't think of, but he thinks it's so important, should I even give it a try? Maybe this was fate or destiny saying something. I really questioned myself and my actions and at the end of it, I was tired of analysing my every move. I was tired of being so cautious around him.

At this point, rookie readers may think: "Ah, you got rid of him! Good for you! You go girl!" *ZZZTZT* WRONG. Thank you for playing.

I was in the process of flushing him out of my system and the same was with him. Blog dialogue is so ghey but ultimately effective. He blogged about meeting me and getting to know me and finished with

but i suppose, after reading the signs, i cant see where this is going. perhaps if there was no exams going on in a month plus time, things couldve been different. alas, my parents deserve to see some returns for their little outlay; so this time round, its my turn to apologize.

So basically nothing was going to happen. And frankly I was relieved. I was tired of playing little cat and mouse games and I think he was too. I know he's not a fan of the little mind games that I used to do and maybe I went too far in playing with him. That said we ended up having a chat during the Cardiff Games at which I was determined to make peace with The Boy.

I don't know whether it was because I still liked him or because I still wanted him to like me, even as a friend but any discussion to hash things out would be a win-win for me. Clear the air. Sort things out. Clean up the mess. Nothing to lose. I had already lost a friend. What else was there?

If you're still reading till now you could consider this a behind the scenes look into my brain. But I can't help but feel it's like a story that you already know the ending to - kinda like Star Wars Episode 3. Without the screaming.

So with things said and sorted on that Saturday, I was energised and determined to put it to bed once and for all. I needed a plan. I needed to be sure of what I was going to do and stick to it. I actually figured it out in the shower...

It resulted in this post. A full on confession, albeit, a summary of what I felt and what I thought had happened and what I was going to do about it. I was angry. I was determined. I was fed up.

And what did he do? He messaged me and invited himself over to my place to talk. About the post. And he was going to walk over. At 10 o'clock at night. I thought "Blimey. It must be something serious." I agreed.

We talked. I sat on my wooden chair. He sat in the cushioned seat. He said he still liked me. I told him I thought you were done with all that. He said he reconsidered, in the light of what my blog had said. I guess it struck a nerve somewhere.

I was a little confused but that was squashed with the glee and giddiness that 1) he still liked me, 2) he walked all the way over to tell me that, and 3) um, i guess i still liked him. But I already said that in the post.

Back to the present.

Since then, I can't help but look back and think that if we could get thru that, we could pretty much get thru anything if we wanted to. It wasn't the prettiest of starts but we're on more or less the same wavelength now tho the zodiac/horoscopes aren't working in our favour.

Is it foolish to be optimistic about the future? Is there a future that I should be optimistic about? I dare say I'd rather not get my hopes up. I can daydream and fantasize as well as the next person - dare i say, better. One day, one week, one month at a time.

Damn browsing

While wasting time on the notorious social network site of my choice, I've been browsing thru a few of my 2nd and 3rd degree friend pages. Out of sheer boredom, I guess I end up wondering what my long lost comrades are getting up to.

I don't know about you but there hasn't been the influx of love-ness that there was last spring - maybe because spring hasn't hit yet. Regardless, I've got to admit that quite a few people who I have as friends are practically married to their other half. And I don't mean that in a "I shall get engaged to my sister so that creepy people won't add me" kind of thing - I mean real couples in (freakishly) long relationships.

I've got nothing against that. It just got me thinking.

I can list a few couples that I know of personally that have been going on for at least 3-4 years now. Not to mention the couples of which I only know one of them. Are all my buddies growing up and growing old together? It's hard to believe that only a few years ago, people were breaking up and making up like it didn't matter. But back then, it didn't really.

I can't help but compare them to my parents generation. And by that I mean who they're with. Practically 80% of the couples I know met in school. I don't know about you but my parents didn't meet in school. One of my friend's parents met in Uni but I only know 1, out of possibly 20 sets of parents that I know, that met in school - and I don't even know the parents, just their story.

So is true love the new love? Are the days of office romances a thing of the past? Will our generation be the high school sweetheart generation - living out the fantasy that our parents, grandparents and teenage chic lit tell us about?

Or is it (pessimistically) too early to say? None of my batch have gotten hitched - yet. Coming into our twenties, it makes you consider your future together. Do you grow up and change together? Or do priorities change and diverge?

I'll get back to you on that in about 5 years or so.

What's really quite niggling me: why am I am late starter, so to speak.
Credit that I never fit in (or wanted to fit in) with the cool crowd in school - I did my own thing and I don't regret it. High school romances are notorious for being short-lived and just a phase. Not that I didn't have my share of crushes, but who wants to be remembered as a blip in a guy's "love life". The one romantic thing that happened to me in school doesn't even register on my numerical count any more. Tragic.

For some reason I tend to make relationships hard for myself. Well, not intentionally, but I get drawn into all the difficult to manage situations - long distance, cheats, apathy. Not such a good track record I must say.

However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. What light, I hear you ask? I suppose, learn from the mistakes, spot the signs early and never stop hoping. I don't mean be naive, but it's very easy to become jaded. And when you don't try, things just happen naturally. It's like falling into your stride - walk, skip, run. You have to be comfortable with yourself and what you want and only then you know if you are comfortable with whoever comes along.

And plus, guys hate desperate.

Wretched

I feel Awful. Gut-wrenchingly, heart-rippingly AWFUL. With a capital A if you haven't noticed.

I woke up at 10.14am today. Which is UNHEARD of. Demonstrating the extent of my wretchedness.

Verbal diarrhoea to Lea for about an hour till we had exhausted all possible topics of conversation.

Still feel wretched.

Wretched. Wretched. Wretched.

How does feeling wretched feel like? Like there's an anchor attached to some inner organ located in the chest area and it's been dropped of a bridge. Like I'm being sat on by a really lazy elephant. Like there's a significant increase in atmospheric pressure which makes it almost impossible to breathe. Like I'm bring slowly squeezed to death by a very hungry python.

I think the last one is the most accurate. There's definitely a tight, restrictive binding around my lungs. And I think I'm forgetting when to exhale...

Yeah I suppose this is all sounding way too exaggerated to be real. Sure, Misery loves company. But I hate being miserable. I love being happy. So Why should I make this up. I'd rather I not feel this awful and feel joyful and um. Good. I suppose is the operative word.

Calling this a cry for forgiveness would be such a wimpy way to go but seeing as my attempt to stop feeling so wretched was met with voicemail, I gotta let loose somewhere else. That notwithstanding I'm not gonna give up. But I was all prepared to to grovel a bit and that energy has got to go somewhere.

Thanks xckd

Indeed. Sigh.

Sigh, silly boy

Ah, this is a purely responsive post, and probably won't make sense to anyone else. But hey, of you know me, you can ask me what's it about.

* * *

Dear Boy,

I'm not comparing you and whatshisface. Everyone is different. That's over and done and you've definitely come out tops. When I say deja vu last year, I just mean with results and the overwhelming sense of failure. Nothing to do with the Boys in my life. Mutually exclusive in a way. So don't worry your round little head about me worrying about this twisting into last year and so on and so forth. Personal and Professional tend to go on different tracks with me.

What else...

Ah, yes. "Inadequate to fill the need" [stop with the naughty thoughts the rest of you]. Venting is venting. All one really needs to do is just not interrupt, as rude as that sounds. Possibly with some affirmations here and there but comfort or words of wisdom are really not required. A pair of ears and a voicebox to go "mhmmm" once in a while is enough. Not to say that that's all your good for, but when dealing with vents, less is more.

I don't want you to ever feel like I think your second best or not good enough or not doing enough or whatever bad adjectives there are. I have standards and I generally stick to them. If I don't like something I'd tell you straight up.

So chin up. Don't worry about me. For the record, I've kinda told the parents and to be fair, its a big deal to me cos it's a big deal to them - me being the only one that they have and the only one that will have to take care of them in the future. I can carry the burden pretty well most times but I admit I have my weak moments. MOMENTS, mind you. One-off things.

I like you. I can forsee that I will continue to like you in the immediate future. So unless you do some major fkup in the relationship department, you're home dry.

*Major fkups include: cheating, serious indifference and general non-effort.

Take care, and I will see you in 18 days.

Love, Sara

* * *

A bit brutal. Not intended to make you (him) cry or feel bad. Just to reassure you that we're solid.

* * *

I have discovered that I'm no good at talking things like this through. I'm way better at writing. More organised. I like paragraphs. There are spaces in between. For some reason, I can't think in paragraphs. More like - shopping lists.

* * *

Lea: when you see me, ask me abt this. I have a new metaphor for you to digest. It's a good one :)

* * *

Note the lack of formatting and colour in this post to reflect the seriousness and somber mood that I'm in. Is it working? Are you reflecting with me?

Happy Crappy Day

Right so there is a sudden influx of horrible mixed emotions which I just can’t deal with.

I am HAPPY cos I passed all my modules and don’t have to go back to Cardiff to resit which means I get to spend until September with The Boy who is flying back after his Graduation.

I am fking BUMMED OUT cos The Boy got a Third Class which means that he can’t do Masters OR BVC and is going to do the CLP in KL which means that after I go to Cardiff I won’t see him for 2 years cos I won’t be flying back to KL until after the Bar.

I am STUBBORN cos I know if I ask any of my friends (and by any, I mean ALL) what to do they will be like: “I might not work in the long run/you haven’t had enough time together/etc etc” and the end result would be complete and utter relationship failure. So I refuse to tell them my situation and have to deal with the same advice being spouted from different people.

I am CONFUSED and TORN between wanting to make it work cos I like him so much and cutting my losses and forgoing a painful break-up in the future. Which sounds better to you? Ending it now on the presumption that I might get hurt (some may consider this a definite result anyway) or Keep sticking by it and seeing where it ends up – sad break-up scenario now avoided.

I am tempted to recall the few long distance relationships that a couple of my friends are in but they are only relevant to the point where it’s long distance. And how can expect him to juggle the time difference AND do his course well – it’s just not fair on him.

I suppose it’s pretty clear where I stand on this issue. If it were anyone else but me, I have a slight inkling of what I would say:

do what you feel is best for you. Be aware of what you’re risking but if you’re sure that it’s worth the risk, go for it.

I hate giving up. I’m no quitter. I’m an eternal optimist and I believe there is real potential in everyone – unless they demonstrate otherwise. LDRs can be done. They can. I have seen the proof. But yes, I know everyone is different and it’s not like relationships are without their difficulties but this just seems: 1) very difficult given the timing and distance (and freaking time difference) and 2) extremely déjà vu.

I feel like a sucker for punishment.

That being said, and after rambling on about justifying my reasons and being balanced about the whole thing, there is one selfish request I will allow myself to ask of him, but only once.

INTERNATIONAL GRADUATE SCHEME. It’s just one more year! And it’ll look freaking ace on your CV!

There. I’ve said my peace. And if you wanna know more about the IGS thing puhlease don’t hesitate to ask! Working at the Careers Service has its perks (Come on! I could SO hook you up!).

Edit: I don't blame The Boy for anything. It's just something we have to deal with.

Edit: I have talked to Lea and I feel a lot better. She says we can commiserate together!

I want HUGS

ARGH

I dunno why I've been so stressed lately.

Things to do:

• Pack (for storage)
  
• Pack (for going back)
• Spend time with the Boy
• Chill the fk out

Doesn't seem like a lot of things on the list but they are damn hard to tick off. I haven't packed anything yet cept winter clothes. There are so many things I have to get before i pack as well, like my rucksack from Saiful.

And I would greatly love to spend every second with the Boy just lazing around doing nothing. As long as I have nothing to do. Which is not till like next week.

I want to chill out as well, by myself or otherwise but I just haven't had the time to spend with myself. This chilling out time would preferably be spent whilst The Boy is actually busy doing something else - which means I have no option but to not be with him.

Good grief, do I sound clingy or what?

This is me being in typical girlfriend mode.
Enduring motto applies: if I don't say it, it's not true. But dammit, I'm going to say it.

I wanna hang around him like all the time. Doing whatever menial whatever. Sounds desperately clingy no? Well, fk you then. I mean it sucks that I sound like I've taken a step backwards from being independently super single and self-sufficient. This is different I reckon, I still do the stuff I wanna do, just with an extra pair of legs, hands, ears and lips. Other body parts are there too fyi.

I just enjoy the company. Like, really enjoy it.

Is it wrong that I wanna jump on him and smother him with smooches? Yeah, I'm that kinda gal.
And what with the impending time that I have to fly off looming, I just wanna hang on to him and not let him outta my sight. I think accumulatively, that gives me the right to feel a little clingy, no?

* * *

Also, I've figured out why I dislike the "girlfriend" label so much. It separates the personality from the person. Instead of being "Sara, a cool girl who is fun to hang around with" it becomes "The Girlfriend, sucker of souls and trying to steal our friend from us." Having a girlfriend changes people in a way, priorities change, but the people shouldn't, and neither should how you think of them.

I suffer from Girlfriend complex. The belief that one must act in a different way because they are in a relationship. Which is why I've tried to stay away from labels for this time being. Now it's kinda stuck and I've accepted it, I just have to fight the complex. The clingyness, the not wanting to let go - part in parcel of being insecure, thank you very much.

I have a remedy for this:

"I trust this one." Repeat.

* * *

You know, I wasn't expecting this, but I actually believe it. And I do feel a whole shitload better.

I think it's...

Gosh what is this feeling?

Overwhelming sensations of warmth and tinglyness that I wish would never go away. It truly radiates from deep within my heart and I can almost hear the contented sigh as is flows through my arteries and all over my body, right down to my toes.

I just watched 27 Dresses and don’t get me wrong, it’s a god awful movie but I’m a sucker for romantic happy endings so forgive me if I wax lyrical for a bit.

I think I’m going to have to watch some kick-ass kungfu action flick to offset the overload of dopamine that’s probably making me feel this way.

The thing about romantic comedies (from a girl’s perspective) is that when we watch it, we always put ourselves in their place. Regardless of how similar in characteristics we are or even if we would make the same decisions. Girls really just want to be wooed and chased and swept off their feet – in not such dramatic terms but along the lines.

Now I’m not your typical girly girl. I don’t like pink and I don’t like being all cutesy (unless it suits my purpose). I do like shopping but I tend to do a quick browse rather than a full scale rummage. I enjoy football – watching it mainly - and running around. I refuse to be limited by the fact that as a girl, I am a victim of my emotions but there are a few things I will readily admit to as being influential to my moods and therefore reactions. I get PMS. I do get mood swings. And as previously stated, I’m a sucker for happy endings.

I don’t know why that part of being a “girly girl” is evident in me and why the other emotional components aren’t. I’m a hopeless romantic and a cynic at the same time. I truly do believe in love at first sight and I think I’ve been a witness to it but I highly doubt that’s ever going to happen to me. I believe in everlasting love but yet again, not involving me.
There are so many good things in this world that happen to great people and I honestly believe that they do exist – I just can’t picture it happening to me – so if anything along those lines remotely seems to point to that direction, I can’t help but be cynical.

I question myself: why? Why be so cynical and disbelieving in my own fortune in, um, that area?
I blame history. But I shouldn’t really. I’m smarter than that.
I blame trust issues. But that shouldn’t count towards new things now should it?
I have to protect myself. Which is true. But to what extent?
So therein lies the question of Why?

There are a million excuses I could give before finally hitting the nail on the head but I doubt you want to hear it. It’s long winded and boring and probably you’ve heard it before. So without out going into details as to the what, let’s deal with the solution.

The quick fix solution is easy and fun and dare I say it, non-committal. Distract oneself until I grow up and have to make the real choices in life, because as is painfully obvious to me everyday, I am so very much younger (and unfortunately immature) than everyone else.
When I was younger, people used to say that I was very mature for my age. I would converse with people age groups above my own. I could hold an adult’s attention by the mere words that came out of my lips. I was used to being thought of as smart and educated and mature. But as I grew older and school came along, all that didn’t seem important. I wanted to play. And be a kid. And I think even until now I love living that childhood that I don’t remember having.

I’ve been reckless and foolish to put it bluntly in terms of stuff that people take a while to consider. Thinking back, I don’t regret anything that I did – I knew what I was doing and I accept that things had to end - but I just wish I knew then what I know now.

That is, not everything is so serious. There are times when you put everything you have into something just at the flick of a finger and times when you carefully wade into the shallows before you dive head first into the deep end. I shamefully say that I picked the wrong action for the wrong scenario.

But that was then.

So what has brought on this long babbling post about romance and the heart stuff and all that mushiness? I would be lying if I said that events of today had not altered my perception somewhat but in truth it’s the sappy chick flick known as 27 Dresses.

In the end, the reason that I like those movies isn’t the acting (heck no) or the storyline (well in part), but it’s the ending. Of course they never show you what happens afterwards – fights, divorce – the realities of life. But the endings are those picture-perfect moments that make all the ache and stuff worth it I think. And that’s what I think I’m hoping for. The movie plot sets the scene that tells you why it’s so special, but if it happens to you, then you know the past and you truly appreciate the fullness of emotion leading up to that moment.

Romantics like me tend to live moment to moment. It’s those glorious blips in time that make the sloppy journey all worthwhile. A true romantic (which I consider myself to be) is not fazed by the grand gestures of love and affection. We are touched by the deeper meaning behind it. You could hire a parade of flower floats declaring your undying love for someone but that would pale in comparison to a hand written note scrawled in crayon from the person sitting next to you that said “I Love You”.

Big WOAH right here. Don’t take this to mean this is what I or any other self proclaimed romantic wants. This is just emphasising the point about sincerity being the most prominent thing when it comes to these things. So if there’s anything that you take away after reading this blog (in addition to the encapsulating awe that you feel for me as a magnificent blog writer), let it be this: be sincere. With deepest feeling and the whole of your soul say it and make it be true. Don’t over do it but don’t under appreciate it.
Because for a certain few and a great many girls, that’s all that really counts.
And trust me; it will hold you in good stead in the long run.

Now I have to go and hide my head because I’ve just let out the secret to making a girl fall in love with anyone.