Back on track

Sorry sorry. I've been busy.

Since Paris it's been all about knuckling down and working hard. Fingers crossed it pays off.

Anyway, mondo stressed. Wasn't so stressed yesterday but things have changed / turned to shite since yesterday.

1. The place I thought I was going to live in during summer - turns out the letting agency has now done a 180 and said no, you can't stay there. Which would have been a fine thing to say 3 months ago. Not now. How the heck am I supposed to find a place to stay in one month. Looks like I'm going to be homeless from July.
   
   
2. Job hunting is also going nowhere. I've applied and applied. And applied. I feel... unemployable. There was a news article in the Daily Mail (of all places) of this girl who had sent over 200 applications for jobs and gotten none and she committed suicide. Depressing thought! She only had A-Levels so I thought, hey, I've got a degree and soon a post-grad! I should do better! Wrong. Well wrong so far anyway. Not to worry, I don't think I'm suicidal. Heavily worried about my future and almost immobile with fear, but not suicidal.
   
   
3. Last assessment looming. I'm really putting my all into these last ones. I haven't gotten all the grades I've wanted so far so it's all or nothing now. I should have worked harder during the last ones. Well, at the time I thought I did ok, but who knows. Please just give me a few more VCs. Please. I shouldn't please you. I should be slapping myself and shouting Come-on!

To France in a couple of days. I've started doing waitressing work with a recruitment company in Cardiff so I've got some jobs lined up before and after I go. I really want the security of a contracted or permanent job though. I have to pay my own rent and everything from July onwards. I've never had to do that before...

So if any of you have spare wishes or prayers left, if I could squeeze in a little corner of that to say help please that would be cool. If not, I understand that you have better things to do than be kind to the less fortunate. I'm sure you're feeding orphans in Africa or caring for sick puppies or something like that.

* * *

Back to the topic of France...

I really am excited to go. Well I was more excited to go a few days ago but the burden of recent events has somewhat diminished that light. If only I could go to Saint-Etienne and come back and all my problems were solved! I'd have a place to live and a great job. That's really all I want from life now.

So when can I open my present?

Paris Day 2

Day 2 - Monday

Sunny day! So it was up to the Sacre Coeur which was near our hotel in Montmarte. Uphill all the way.


And given my horrendous sense of direction, it was reassuring to have this sign pointing straight to it.

And yes, we did make it eventually. The place is truly impressive! And the view from the top of the hill was gorgeous - if not for the masses of tourists crowding round. Sigh.

Around the corner from the Sacre Coeur was the Artists' Market. There were painters and sketch artists flogging their wares in the market square. And as it was a sunny day, the tourists were out in force too. I was tempted to get a sketch done, but i cringed at the price. Plus, how would I get it home undamaged?


I think we were finding our way down the hill when I spotted this nifty little graffiti deer. Cute ain't it?

We had a spot of lunch then walked towards the Eiffel Tower!

Looks grand doesn't it?

We sat in the park and had some wine and some words.

Then waited in the longest line ever. Okay, so maybe not as long as in the summer time, but still too long for my liking. Plus I needed to pee - wine goes straight thru me.

We eventually did get a ticket and went all the way up! You have to stop on the 2nd floor

My fave view from the 2nd floor. Going UP!

And we did finally make it to the top! Paris is huge!

The third floor actually has an inside and an outside. The Inside looks like this:

And it's pretty small. Compared to the other floor of course, but when filled with people its tiny! Imagine summer - stuffy and hot. Yikes!

And only then did the Boy tell me he was afraid of heights. Bless.

We managed to Scramble our way down the Tower, no help from a group of teenage Irish school kids on a history trip. Noisy little fkers.

Walked up to Trocadero. Then to the Arc de Triomphe!

Taken from around about the Champs Elysée.

There are loads of names neatly inscribed on the inside of the Arc. All Napoleon's fallen methinks. I'm not sure.

Onwards down the Champs Elysée.

The Boy stopped off at the local McD for a toilet break when I spotted these:

Macarons!

In McDonalds! I was giggling my little arse off. And I bought a box of 6. It was like eating solid icing sugar. Very very sweet. But the caramel macaron was yum.

We headed back after that. Long day!

Paris Day 3

Day 3 - Tuesday - Last Day!

Decided not to do much today.

Went to visit Tom, one of the Boy's friend's from his year out in Brazil. Tom's Australian and lives in Paris with his French girlfriend on his ERASMUS year in uni.

And yes, I do feel a slight twinge of envy.

Anyway, Tom's place in Paris is awesome. It's small but cosy. I'll just say you can tell that a girl lives there. We brought some wine so we had salad, a baguette and cheese and the wine. The Boy and Tom were catching up on good times. Tom had to go pick up and babysit a little girl from school at 4pm so they had to cut their time short.

We walked around the Latin Quarter again bu it was raining so we ducked into Notre Dame Cathedral to escape the wetness. No queues this time.

When we got out, it was sunny!



But still a bit chilly. The Boy was wearing just a hoody over a t-shirt so he was a bit wet and therefore cold.

Had a spot of lunch at a nearby traiteur (caterer) d'Asique (Asian) - basically Asian buffet. The boy got nice and warm while we scoffed into some good filling food.

Headed down to Pont Neuf (Bridge Nine) to go on our pre-paid boat ride!

Turns out the Boy had already been before. Pooh.

Saw some amazing sights as well as learned some interesting things about Paris' history via the monuments and statutes.

Alexandra III bridge - the most beautiful bridge in Paris. Built to commemorate the friendship between France and Russia!

Last night, we had to go to the Louvre. It's just got some magic about it at night.

Ok, so I wanted to go to the Louvre. The weather wasn't too cooperative and the Boy was cold but it's an awesome place to be.

We'll always have Paris.

Vanilla Chocolate day

It's been a day of upturns and down spirals. Its difficult to balance both, mainly because they not only happen to me, but to people I know and care about. Here's the break down.

1. Worked until 7.30am. Slept for 1 hour. Woke up at 8.45am for a 9am class. Result: serious sleep deprivation.
2. Presented work in PLR class. Got most of the answers right. Fave tutor teaching. Good start to the day.
3. Checked Summative assessment results. 2 VCs and 1C. I'm more than happy with that.
4. Finished drafting prep in the library while people talked about results. Some were pleased, some were elated. Some were disappointed.
5. Drafting small group with GG. Had to present again because (due to lack of sleep) I didn't want to sit in that class for longer than I had to. Work was ripped to shreds by GG. Got a little sad.
6. Classmates rallied to my defence - or rather on the offensive to GG. So it's not just me then.
7. Had a long chat with Su-Ann. Her Boy has gone off to Turkey travelling for 3 months so she's feeling the void. Thought I would try and cheer her up. I think I helped. I think.
8. Met Tash to accompany her to file a police report. Her passport and debit card was in a clutch bag in a house party and it was stolen. Tres upset and I was trying to help her do what she needs doing. Glad I could help a little.
9. Walked to town to deal with her debit card. Remember: 1 hour sleep. So very very sleepy.
10. Went to Oceana to see if her coat was found (Was lost on Sunday when she went out and was put behind the bar by a friend). Couldn't find it.
11. Went home. 6pm. Slept till 8.45pm.
12. Had food. Housemates are cheerier now even after sad things have happened. Tash is back to smiling again and Jun has returned to using me as an agony aunt. All is well in 72B.
13. Chatted to The Boy. Good news and bad. Tickets to Paris bought! But LLM results were not as expected. If he's sad I'm sad.

Tried to cheer him up. Don't know if it worked. Am aware overly optimistic point of view can be annoying but its how you deal with it personally that really matters. I try and cheer him up and look on the bright side. I do understand but I don't think dwelling on the past and what might have been is helpful. Especially when it comes to results. Exams are meant to be final and the culmination of months of learning. If you put in your all, who can tell you to do anything better? The Boy went quiet and went to bed. Granted it is late where he is. Hope he can see what I'm saying and am only trying to help. Hope he believes what I say is true and not just fluff to make him feel better. It is in part but I wouldn't be saying it if I didn't mean it. I would say the same to myself. Hope he feels better and can still look forward to Paris :)

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Always look on the bright side of life.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Be grateful for what you've got, thankful for what you have.

Always remember to feel blessed and never take anything for granted.

Opposite Day

Days don't normally go like this.

The day started off great. I totally aced the negotiation session. Well I did better than last time (which isn't that hard) but I can now say I don't suck at negotiation. There's hope for me yet! Negotiation was at 9am so I had a loooong break until 4pm when I had my Criminal Practice large group session. I do enjoy all the modules - there's something new to learn all the time, but that room was a little too warm and I found myself nodding off. My head tends to bounce like a bobblehead when I get drowsy. Sleep. Wake up. Close my eyes, nod off. Jerk awake again. And I was sitting in the second row right in the middle! Didn't get caught tho. It's a pity. I really do try and stay awake.

Netball practice was supposed to be my destresser of the day. I rushed home from the Legal Practice Library (LPL) at half seven to get to Talybont by 8pm or thereabouts. To cut a long story short, I ended up getting so angry at the end of practice because of a couple of silly girls who weren't taking practice seriously. I know it's just practice. By all means, have fun. But if you're playing a game (like we were) then you owe it to your team mates to put in some effort. Not just giggle and toss the ball around like it's a marshmellow. Have some goddamn respect for the other people on your team for crying out loud.

I really laid it into them after practice. I wasn't happy. I was angry. How dare they be so selfish. Netball is a team game. You win as a team and you lose as a team. If just one player gives up, what's the point in playing? Notts is on Saturday - 3/4 days away. We haven't had a lot of practices. You at least owe it to the rest of the people who are going to play to the best of your ability. Practices are supposed to help everyone, and it being a team game, there's no point saying I just don't feel like it today. Every practice counts.

I was still fuming on the walk home. I more or less marched home so now my feet hurt. And that's making me angry too. It's been a topsy turvy day.

Looks like its opposite day today, fer reals. Crikey.

* * *

I should also mention that The Boy now has internet. But no VOIP so it's msn messenger and skype calls from here. I still don't get to talk to him as much as I would like. But I'm not home most of the time tho I use a web-based msn chat in the library. This is like dejavu Swansea in the beginning all over again. I don't know tho. I'm not convinced yet.

Forgive us our sins

I didn't go to Church like I was supposed to, even if I have had a hard week and an hour in church would have done me some good. Instead, I bummed around at home, did a bit of work and watched QI and Whose Line like a maniac.

To be fair, I was talking to my best friend so in light of that I think I should be granted a reprieve. Maybe I'll go to Mass on Wednesday at the University Chaplaincy. It’s a thought. I don’t make excuses for not going to church for others; I really make them for myself. I know I should go, and I should have gone – but it didn’t. *guilt*

* * *

I think I might have to take up a part-time job or something. The bills are coming in and they are shocking! I’m starting to truly realise how hard it is to keep a house. I’m horrified at the amounts…

I’m thinking: the money that TK is paying for rent should be able to cover the bills for this month. I don’t know what Tash will say but I hope she understands. I didn’t take into account how expensive the electricity is. Yikes…

* * *

I called The Boy today, after I exercised a great deal of self control and didn’t call him at all yesterday (there’s a feat to be proud of)!

I don’t know whether is because we’ve been together for a while or the fact that we’re no longer in the same time zone but he’s become a lot more vocal about his feelings and things. I’m leaning towards the latter reason but whatever it is, I like it :D

It sucks that he doesn’t have internet yet – hopefully he will by the end of the month – but skype is keeping us in touch and alright on the relationship front. It’s a bit like an addictive drug, you need your fixes once in a while.

I will admit to fits of jealousy and paranoia but what girlfriend doesn’t have them when their Boy is in a different country and not picking up his phone for 2 days? I don’t want to justify mad crazy girlfriends but I don’t do anything until I can talk to him. He should have his reasons. Then I calmly ask. Then I get angry. I think at that point I have the right to get angry – but it doesn’t last. You need to blow off steam and frustration occasionally.

* * *

We had English “class” last week. My spelling is atrocious. I do rely heavily on spell check I admit but mostly because I can’t touch type and I generally know what letters go where. I hope that I don’t get selected to sit for more English classes. More than anything, I don’t think I could stand the shame…

Flicker of hope

I wasn't going to write anything cos nothing fabulous has happened but it has been a marked improvement on the day before.

Heck any improvement would be a marked improvement from yesterday.

The bank has lowered the overdraft fee to £15 so at least there's some possibility of him paying it on time. Whoo!

The other account holder has paid in about half of what he owes or is going to owe so at least the account is no longer in Debt. No more big D next to the account balance! Whooo!

The BVC bunch were supposed to head out to Oceana tonight but I don't think I'll be going since I have to rely on Jules cos I don't have my passport with me and I have no phone credit. Ah well. A peaceful night in.

I also took a 2 hour nap this afternoon. 5pm to 7.30. Totally Awesome. It makes up for the one and a half hours of sleep that I missed cos the time on my phone was off. I have to get to bed before 12am these days. I'm starting to worry that my panda eyes are permanent.

* * *

I've been part of a contact lens trial for about a month now. They are rigid gas permeable lenses and they are quite good, except when you get something in your eye - then it hurts like a glowing hot poker. It takes some getting used to but I haven't worn them in a while cos of the wind and it's tendency to whick little bits of dirt and aim them straight into my eye. Too bad - cos they are actually better and more hygenic than the soft lenses. And you can keep the same pair for up to a year! Very nice indeed.

The Beginning of the End of the Beginning

Just had my first day of BVC. Tiring. Stressful. But hopeful.

The Boy is in France learning French and doing his dissertation in Mediterranian weather. I miss him like anything but it helps to know that he misses me just as much. It's a small but powerful comfort.

His birthday is on Saturday and since I can't be with him I'm trying to do as much as I can from here. Which includes trading in my loyalties, at least temporarily. It hurts but it's for a good cause.

The BVC is a killer course. Not for the faint of heart. I can do it. I WILL make it thru. I HAVE to FOCUS and work HARD. Damn.

I bought a bag load of Tesco microwave rubbish. It'll be my sustainence for the next few days - with sporadic wholemal sandwiches and other foods inbetween, but mostly Tesco Value crap. It's like exam season all over again.

The Boy has no internet. Yet. Which sucks. Skype is doing it's job but it's quite expensive. Have to make the most of it tho. At least it's something.

Reminder: Write letters to Gih Jhen and Aunty Eve.

Summer Holidays are officially over like I said. But the weather has made up for the lost leisure time so I can't complain too much.

Viva la BVC

The Boy is heading off to France to learn French. Very soon. A little too soon but what can I do eh? Quite happy for him to frolic around in Gaul while I slave away in Cardiff. At least there’s something for me to do. That’s my Achilles’ heel – boredom. It kills me.

I have to start brushing up on my French now. Out of competitiveness than anything I must admit. I do miss learning French but the classes at Alliance Francais were crap and I didn’t have any motivation to really listen and learn. I figure I should take this as a boost to actually properly learn French.

I wanted to take the Summer French course in the Lifelong Learning Centre in June but I wasn’t in Cardiff at the time. Bugger.

Audio Tapes? E-books? I don’t think I’ll have time for an actual French course tho. BVC is a time killer.

* * *

Kenneth T had a BBQ today. Really nice food – Moroccan lamb steaks and fat sausage hot dogs and chicken wings. I’m suffering Pre-M Bloat so I wasn’t feeling my… best, but the food was scrumptious. Unfortunately the weather didn’t agree and it was incontinent rain clouds all evening. Bummer. Compounded by the fact that I was the only girl there and it was Kenneth’s group of friends. Not that I’m intentionally anti-social but as they’re all smokers, and I’m not and it was cold out, I’d rather not inhale any more second-hand smoke than I already have thanks to a certain someone. I wonder what my chest x-ray would look like now.

* * *

Azzy is staying in Tash’s room for the time being. That part’s alright but it’s confusing about her Boy being round. Cos he’s not really her Boy, well, he thinks he is again but he isn’t and she can’t be bothered to tell him or something. I don’t really understand it. She’s stressed enough with resits coming up on the 7th so good luck!

I have to say I love listening to gossip and drama and all that but I dread (and avoid) gossip and drama ‘bout meself. Its so high school and I’ve had enough of that thank you!

* * *

BVC Enrolment is on the 10th of September. Jeepers! I can’t wait to start. I’m such a nerd for school starting. It’s so new and fresh and anything could happen! I know I’ve been saying that I hate being bored but I hope that I don’t get too stressed. I can’t sleep if I get too stressed.

Happy Merdeka and Bank Holiday Monday to my few and far between readers! Sleep like a bee in a rose and grow like a booger in a nose. Toodles!

Solitudeness

I feel like I'm in a white washed bubble. Something like the white room/place in the Matrix. Cept I'm there all by alone feeling sorry for myself.

Sounds so pathetic.

Oh well. I'll take a gander round and see if I can't find a door or at least some company.

Oh yes. Exams on the 12th, 22nd and 26th.

Good luck to everyone for theirs.

Warwick Games 2009

No Warwick Netball for us this year either. Bus too expensive - 600 pounds. Not enough girls - 7 at the max.

Cardiff and Warwick just don't seem to gel right do they?

End of the Rope

I swear to God, I'm at the end of my rope. There are so many things I have to do. List!

• Take a shower
• Dry my hair
• Sleep
• Pack party things
• Do some work for today

Tomorrow:

• Remember about party things tomorrow
• Go to 3 hours of lectures tomorrow
• Go to the SU and check the room booking
• Buy masking tape
• Buy a pumpkin
• Buy Sweets
  
• Take a shower
• Get Dressed
• Put on Make up
• Eat Lunch
• Decorate Party Room
• Make sure people have a good time
• Clean Up room
• Enjoy Halloween

And I have to hold all this in my HEAD.

I'm more stressed out than tired - don't be fooled by the tag. I'm sleepy, stinky, and uh. I dunno.

Few things I know for sure. I could really use a pick-me-up right now, and I can't wait till tomorrow ends. I really can't. Stress-free heaven lies on the dark side of 10pm tomorrow.

Till then - I shall tie a knot at the end and hang on.

Murphy’s law

“When anything can go wrong, it will.”

So far this week has felt like that.

Wanted to go out; it was raining.
Wanted to sell books; bookshop only takes them in on weekends.
Wanted to go to the gym; was carrying a bag of books.
Went to collect something; it wasn’t there.
Went to see someone; they weren’t in.

A summarily short list but it has roll-over consequences. It builds up one after the other. Especially if you haven’t caught a break in between them it feels as if things are ganging up on you.

* * *
On a slightly different tone, I was listening to Liz Phair’s Favourite and while grooving to the rock riff and the lyrical lyrics I realised what kind of songs I like – I like those that make analogies. Similes, metaphors, and all those words you learn in English lit. Lyrics are important of course and everyone is attracted to music that you can relate to. And if you know me (or read my posts) you will know that the weird way I express myself usually involves a lot of analogies like “chocolate covered train with a gooey marshmallow centre” or some nonsense like that. It works for me. I don’t know why.

I suppose I like to imagine things and when it comes to describing something I can’t describe, associating it to something I can visualise helps.

* * *
I only blog when I’m feeling- well, basically when I’m feeling down, or angry, or sad. Usually not when I’m happy. So those massive gaps in time between posts don’t mean that the previous post represents my feelings/thought/emotions until the next post; it means that nothing really twisted my gut till then.

So by the process of analysis, my gut is twisted as we speak.

I feel so F-ed up right now. There is one thing that’s niggling in the back of my mind which although is a small niggle, is a niggle nonetheless. Then there are the other things. The oppressive cloud of gloom and depressiveness that is looming over me. The things mention in the first bit of this post. The fact that I feel lonely – and that’s noone’s fault.

I feel I aught to qualify that last sentence. It’s nothing that anyone else can do about it. There are certain responsibilities and decisions that I have to take on my own shoulders. There are things that only I can do for whatever purpose. Its not that I don’t have friends or rather, that there aren’t friends around, but it’s more like being stuck on a branch that’s so high up that no one can get you down till the fire truck gets there. It’s rather a helpless situation.

There are so many things that I have to do – tomorrow, this week, this year. Its pretty much weighing down on my shoulders (no wonder my scapula have been stiff and sore since Sunday).

It’s only something time will heal. But until then, I feel like crap. I want to punch something.

Another Year

It feels just like 365 days ago. Same situation. Same circumstances. Heck, even same state of being. Found out in the same place around the same time.

Being a law student sucks balls.

CODE MODULE TITLE MARK RESULT
CL2320 INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY 52 PM
CL2324 LABOUR LAW 45 PM
CL3109 TORT [20] 55 PM
CL3412 LAW OF THE EUROPEAN UNION [20] 58 PM
CL3413 LAND LAW [20] 62 PM

I'm going to drop kick anyone who tells me to be happy with this.
One D, three Cs and a B.

Worse than last year. But I can make my own optimism, thanks.

And to gel it altogether in a whirlwind of "piss-on-Sara Day", I went to bed at 1am, with the thoughts of: I shall get lots of sleep because I have to work tomorrow and awake at 8.30 in the morning. I shall not be tired, nor grumpy because I will be fully rested and full of energy.

But no. In conjunction with "piss-on-Sara Day" I was very rudely awakened by none other than Sin Yew - he not caring that some people have to work in the morning or may be sleeping or doing something that doesn't revolve around him.

Now some of you soft hearts may be saying: Sara, don't be so harsh on the boy. How was he to know that you had work in the morning or tht you were sleeping. He just wanted to let you know that the results were out. You can't blame him for trying to help.

First off: I never asked him to call me. I haven not called him since I've been back. Not that I don't like the guy, but 2 years (18 months) of him is more than enough and I can honestly say that my summer holiday would not be lacking if I did not see him once.
Secondly: Regardless of your intentions, who in their right mind calls anyone at 2.22 in the morning? That's right. Just as I've dozed off into sweet sweet slumber and am comfortably resting in my bed, the SHOCK of getting jolted out of REM sleep and having to 1) figure out what the hell that bloody noise is, and 2) having to be concious enough to know its Sin Yew, realise what he's saying and try and politely get him to bugger off.
Thirdly: If i know anything about Sin Yew, he probably thought it was funny. But that's giving him too much credit. He probably didn't care or think about what I could possibly be doing at 2.22am that warranted him to think that I desperately needed to know at that very minute that results were out.

It boggles the mind.

But I suppose I'm transferring. This morning didn't start off well and the day is probably going downhill. I'm going to keep my head down and my nose clean. I just hope that I can hold it in till I at least get home.

And no, I haven't told my parents yet. They are gonna skin me alive.

O My God What Have I Done

I may have mentioned before that I have slight neurotic reaction to stressers.
Edit: And by neurotic I mean panicked and blabber mouthed.

Aaaaand stressers include getting hit by shocking statements.

Aaaaand these statements include those that make me choose between heart and head. Like right at that very instant.

I don’t wanna expose too much, this being kinda personal and all but I still feel bad. Felt like a rejection.
And: that’s not the implication I meant.

It’s not a flat out no. But it’s not a yes either. It’s a “gimme-a-bit-of-time-and-I-have-to-think-about-it” answer.

Emotional baggage to be addressed of course. It’s still a bit soon so I don’t know whether I’m still reeling or even rebounding (if at all. I don’t feel it, but it could be one of those suppressed things you hear about). And granted we spend and have spent ages together and what with all the ensuing drama, it feels more spontaneous and electrifying (oooh, what a word) than a 2-week thing should at this point. Or maybe it’s just what would happen anyway regardless and I’m over-analysing again.

I think I’m over-analysing. Because I panicked. And rocked my mouth off again. At the wrong time. I think I need more feet because I keep sticking them in my mouth constantly.

Emotional baggage aside – UnnamedMale (you have yet to adopt the official label so this is what I’m calling you ;) hadn’t considered the Summer Cardiff-KL issue. I have. Extensively. And as per protocol – I’m just seeing how this will pan out. Now, Tomorrow, Later, In the Future.

And back with emotional baggage – I have horrible history and a huge chip on my shoulder about these things and I agree wholeheartedly that every one is different and I think and feel the same via vous. I really appreciate that you took it in your stride and made me feel crappy about being so caught up in this “generalisation of guys” issue, at the same time. Kudos to you matey (And no, I’m not angry).

I can’t help but draw from past experiences and keep telling myself to not jump the gun on things like this as I have yet to show prudent and mature decision-making with regards to my relationships with Boys. So I don’t trust myself at all. However, I am not so wimpy with my ways as to listen to whatever people are barking at me.

Internal monologue is on repeat and it says: Go only as far as he is willing to commit to. No more, no less. But less is ok because of self preservation.
Trying to prevent emotional death. Again.

* * *

Not one of my more elegant posts but today’s been pretty turbulent and a bit disappointing. My expected up, became a downer. Which stabled out for a bit. Elevated slightly but dropped dramatically. Wavered on mediocre for a bit and is still fluctuating like a monkey on a rope (???).

Wow, even my metaphors are suffering today.

* * *

Regardless of what I said yesterday – it would be nice to hear from both of my greatly appreciated readers.

Mild desperation with a hint of oops is the expected forecast for tomorrow. With warm smiles and intense flipping-out to be headed towards the Continent (The Netherlands in particular).

* * *

Just as a last minute addition - I'll come clean on my mental whereabouts so that noone's lost. In, dare I say, relationships, my attitude is all or nothing. Rather intense I know but that's how it is with me. Not to say I always plunge in, but I tend to wallow around fully clothed as it were. I'm not the sort to make rash decisions but the decisions I make I stand by them as if my life depended on it. It's not like me to second-guess myself - it's not something I like doing, nor am good at. So if I'm in, I'm in for the Whole Hog. The Long Haul.The Big Bang.
I've mentioned my on-off switch right? It's off right now. Do you dare turn it on? Ain't it lovely fun being rhetoric in blogs? Cryptic it's not.

Oh dear

Instead of blogging about the stressful few days when Saiful was "disappointed" in me for dating a smoker, I am instead going to focus on things that I am certain, or at least pretty sure about.

• Make outs are fun. I highly recommend them to pretty much everyone. Tho make sure you pick a suitable, erm, person. It's like buying a used car - cept you don't really want a brand new one. Lightly used, not to many miles on it and in good condition. Follow those criterion and you should be fine. And no, you can't borrow mine. Possessive tense for comedic effect only.
  
• I fear I may be going bimbotic. Again. The whole "Wheee!" no-brainer thing is causing me to lose more brain cells - or at least use more of them to remember less academically inclined subjects.

• Men are not to be trusted. Long term LDRs are shite. Tho proof has come in 2 forms, it's like those Bigfoot sightings - sure, people have actually seen them but you're still skeptical anyway. Must remember this. No matter how tempting it is to consider otherwise. Carpe Diem dammit!

• Must be wary of Saiful. Darnit Jem! Why'd you have to plant that notion in my head? That talk still haunts me. Eugh. Everything's got a new spin on it now...
  

• Which leads me to: Must be more careful with what I say to people - guys in particular. I don't want to become Cheryl. Lea! Tell me that I'm not becoming Cheryl! I will bury my head in sand if that is what it takes to de-Cheryl me.

* * *

Lea. I really need responses on this. Uh, no pressure k. I know ur busy. When u are free and not wanting to think about essays... Non-urgent stuff this.

Just to let you all know

I take back the melodramatic stuff below.

Stuff has changed.

Let's just say I don't have to make myself do anything now.

I really need to sleep.

Good Moaning to you too

Just having checked my Bank Account finances I just remembered something I neglected to include in the past blog posts.

I’ve lost my timesheet for this week.

Which means I don’t get paid.

Let me break it down for you:
I work at the Career Service for Cardiff University as a Student Communications Representative. I work for 2 hours a week (in the contract) and get paid £5.52 an hour.
At the end of the week I collect a time sheet which tells the JobShop (the Univeristy Employment Agency) to pay me for 2 hours work at £5.52 an hour so that comes up to £11.04 per week. However, the Jobshop pays me £12.29 a week for some reason (not that I’m complaining).

So.

Now that I’ve told you that I’ve just lost my timesheet for this week you can see what that means.

I’ve just lost £12.29 out of my own pocket. That's RM73.74!

And it’s not like I can be pissed. It’s my own fault. I’ve looked everywhere! That tiny piece of paper can do wonders for your esteem.

* * *

And I’m having a bad week. As a result of an accumulation of things.

Illud est (i.e.):

• Lost timesheet
• Oceana Incident
• Friday plans gone awry
• London plans gone awry
• Not enough players for Netball
• Shelling out money to book the court for said Netball
• Nothing to do but work (which I should consider a sign that I should actually do work)

* * *

Have I mentioned that I’ve given up chocolate for Easter?

It’s not what’s bringing me down at the moment but I could sure use a dose of some right now.

Just need something to take my mind off everything. Poker, a movie or just walking around with friends! I’ve even lost the will to go window shopping. I think it just depresses me more.

* * *
Is it safe to write with full artistic license yet? There are deep dark secrets bursting to be told!

Making sense of my Fallible definitions

Sara’s Social Interaction Gradient.

The following lists out the different and segregated levels of Social Interaction as interpreted by yours truly.

• Hanging Out – The more the merrier. Primary purpose is to just goof around and do general brain flushing activities.
• Casual Dating – Almost the same as Hanging Out but the intention is to get to know the other person better.
• Serious Dating – Progressive from Casual. Mutual Attraction. Romance starts here.
• Courting – That semi-awkward period where you both wanna get serious and committed but neither are willing to ask. Also known as the “Bubble Phase”.
• Couple Status – The Boyfriend/Girlfriend Stage. Congrats. You are now in a relationship. Whoopdee-frickin-doo.
  

Pardon me if I sound a bit cynical but it’s not like I’ve experienced the upside to this scale at any point. In hindsight, I suppose you could consider it a mental progression into Romance.

The main reason I figured I had to put down this list (and Lea agrees with me here) is cos of past misunderstandings with members of the opposite sex.

He says: Let’s go out.
I say: Ok.

He means: Let’s be a couple!
I mean: Let’s go hang out.

And you can see where it can all go horribly wrong.

Stupid high school, hormonally driven boys.
(Well it lasted like a week. Who says “I Love You” after a week?)

And then there are the ones that take the flirting seriously. And I know it’s cruel to lead people on and I always stop it before it gets too bad. And I always clarify that I just mean to be friends. Unforch, it’s cost me a few friends and a few broken hearts (that have happily mended I’m pleased to say).

Ok, as a disclaimer to that last paragraph, there are those to whom flirting is intentional and are intended to produce results.

* * *

The thrill of the hunt.

I really think like a guy sometimes. And I know some of you will hate me after this next bit.

You know how guys have this biological urge to spread their seed? I think I’m the anti-matter to that. Not that I’m the female version but the thrill of the chase is soooo much fun.

Flirtatious banter should never end between couples I think. It’s what makes having an other half fun to be around. Kinda shows that the attraction never dies, ya’know?
The last one turned into a squatting toad after we got thru the couple stage.

And I make a terrible girlfriend I think. Clingy, needy and jealous. I think jealous goes with the territory but the first two are probably by-products of the neglect of that idiot Ex.

* * *

Enough depressive crap.

I have just finished a whole half-pack of sour gummies. And didn’t eat anything else all day. No, not anorexic (Did you not read about the gummies?). Dunno, just didn’t feel like making anything to eat. Nothing I can think of to make to eat in the kitchen.

* * *

Cardiff Games (22^nd March 2008)

Not enough players for netball! I’m going out of my mind! It’s so not fair. Dammit. And we could beat the Bruneians too. We can’t host the Games and NOT send a team. That’s just pathetic.

* * *

Oh and as I’m going back to KL in the Summer, Sin Yew has tagged along my flight and is apparently booking tickets. This will be my last Summer in the tropics! Its 3^rd year, then BVC. Parents want me to stay in the UK and “not go back to Malaysia”. Gotta find a house next session.

A bit of a random post but I’m all drained out after doing Labour Law tutorials and staring at my Laptop all day.

* * *

I refuse to use the phrase “Ciao” to sign off anything. Its stupid and poser-ish and a blatant attempt to try and seem “cool”. A simple “bye” will do for me.

Bye.

Greetings old friend

It's been a while but hello again!

Granted, some inspiration towards writing has come in the form of late/early sleep times, new blog readings and the first and second seasons of How I Met Your Mother.

I suppose I should do lists, since I find it easier to list things at this ungodly hour than form actual paragraphs.

1. People I Know In Cardiff and Labels/Identities

• Chern - Third Floor Hallmate and closest thing to a best friend here. Knows me better than I know myself - scary! Cooking companion and all round hardworking gal. Avid ballet dancer and food-unwaster. Would go mental without.
• Saiful - Token Malay Boy. No, just kidding. Best Gay Non-Gay Guy Friend Ever. And by that I mean he is given the "Gay Best Friend" label without being gay. We click. And it's cool.
• Su-Ann - Sister in Surname. Also Floormate. And fellow HELPian. Met by proxy and knowledgeable big sis. Smarty pants but that's ok.
• Divan – Fellow Man United supporter and one of the few Indian Malaysians we have here. Exceedingly smart and downright nice guy. Aberdare intruder but that’s ok.
• Danny – Fun when sober. Even more fun when drunk. Bucket loads of charisma. Loves a good joke and has suspicious taste in music. Great actor and would make a hilarious comedian one day. You know, if this whole law thing doesn’t pan out.
• Gin Jhen – Doesn’t own a proper coat. Smooth talker and friendly (maybe too friendly) guy. Favourite game: Fishing. Fun to flirt with – we know what’s up. Fun to make shit up around too – he plays along!\
• Sumitra – Uber tall and uber skinny. Not sick skinny, just like tall skinny. Knows how to dress.
• Yvonne – Aberdare Hallmate. Used to live next door but moved to catered. Smart as a button and Library resident. Crazy neat small print hand writing.
• Shih Yin – Controversial new mover to Cardiff. Quiet and reserved but definitely a sweet girl. Seems shy and really needs to be more proactive.
• Jeremy – Social Secretary together with TK (below). Fellow Law sports person, tho he actually makes the team. Great social drinker and fun drunk dancer. Likes his emo music and emo movies (and sucker for anything Wes Anderson touches). Poker buddy in real life and msn. Looks good in a suit.
• Teck Kang – Social Sec along with above. Mr. All-Rounder and MSSCF enthusiast. A whiz with movie editing and graphics design. Architecture student, I think. Lives in same house as Alice.
• Alice – Sweet sweet girl. Would fit in in a 50s movie. Always smiling no matter what.
• Ili Liyana – FOD Producer, Director and Scriptwriter. Super hard worker and is so kind it’s cruel. Respected, saluted and seen for the wonder she is. Quote Lion King.
• Julie – Party hardy. See Above for FOD Description. Is fierce – in the Tyra Banks way.
• Nina – More fun than a barrel of monkeys. Grinds with the girlies. Only at parties. Always up for a drink.
• Nash – Would do anything for Julie. Ditto Party description. Sweet yet high pitched voice.
• Aziah – Totally gorgeous. Has “shaggable hair.” Knows how to dress up and make it look easy.
• Shaq – Lives in a very smokey house filled with various smokes. Malaysian music fan and guitar player. Makes awesome curry.
• Salad – Good boy. Med student. Asked me advice about something. Bonded a bit. Cheeky bugger tho.
• Mo (Farah) – Cute little clubbin gal. First yr Accounts and Finance. Really knows how to party smart.
• Tash (Farah) – Has absolutely gorgeous hair. Besties with Mo. Wears fake nails.
• Kamal – Lives in Shaq’s house. Is quite tall I think.
• Sin Yew – From 1st year in HELP. Used to be good friends, and then drifted apart, then good friends again. Likes to annoy/gross out/piss people off just to see what their reaction is.
• Kirsty – Didn’t really like her at first, but finding her alright nowadays. Still ok in small doses. Will up dosage gradually. Has Boy in Malaysia. Sickeningly mushy.
• Hui Lynn – Kirsty’s bestie. Denies lesbian relationship adamantly. Has Boy in London (at time of writing).
• Rowena – Also has Boy in Malaysia but not close. Free spirit and wild child. Born in wrong decade tho I reckon would suffer without modern make-up.
• Charlaine – Gorgeous mixed girlie. Has long term boyfriend – used to be jealous of but is ok with. Calls most people “sweetie” or “hun” but actually means it so it’s ok.
• Jane – Friend by proxy and Aberdare Hallmate. Knows her way around Cardiff.
• Yun Sin – Large in person and larger than life. Great fun when drunk. So bubbly and wears glasses.
• Ivan – Soon-to-be-Ex President of MSSCF (elections are soon). A bit long-winded but well intentioned.
• Rohini – Member of the 4am group! We click from 3-5am. Don’t ask. Likes to dance, but really should drink more.
• Chong – Fun Chinese guy who invented 4C. Cardiff will never be the same again.

I did consider using a numbered list instead of labels but it occurred to me while typing that it would be too much like prioritizing my friends, and that's just something I don't think anyone should do.

2. Recent Occurrings

Festival of Diversity V
Was totally awesome! Should link it. (Will do later.) I played the Laksamana – which is the Admiral guy in the Malaya Royal hierarchy thing. Was supposed to be the Bendahara (Main villain and antagonist) but there were personal issues so I had to be swapped. And it didn’t really wanna sing that song.

Love my newfound FOD family! Great bunch of people! I always tell people (and I bet they are sick of hearing this) that I would never have hung out with all the great people that I did if not for FOD.


Post-FOD Partying
Went to Iota – club/bar in Cardiff. Good company, bad music. What the hell I’ll dance to anything. Actually got bought a drink. Didn’t even try. Wore Orange and Black Dress from Urban & Co. Must remember to buy from them again.
Decided on the wobbly walk home, to get properly drunk at least once more and have drunken stories to relate. Wobbly only because of painful, yet gorgeous shoes. I have the blisters to prove it. So thankful Saiful was sober and a guy and willing to put up with my painful feet.


MSSCF Netballin’
Had practice on Sunday. So fun! I actually woke up and actually went relatively early! If not for the slackers at 11 Colum Road, I would be there on time. But I digress. Practiced with the Bruneians and had a truly fun time. Practice is so much more worthwhile when people actually show up!

Also made my day:
Bruneian very good netballer / coach (I think), who used to play for her country (so I hear) told me, “You have very good footwork. Very good. Well done.”

Sweet! Very stoked and ego-inflated. But I think I owe it to myself to put it down to years of hard work on technique.


Friday Night/Saturday
Loooong Friday night. Went to Shaq’s house (ref above). Kirsty, Saiful, Chong and Sin Yew and I went to play poker.
We played:

• Chor Tai Ti (4 and 2 player versions – I owe Chong a lollipop now)
• Poker
• Xbox (Boy territory)

Ended up playing like a little bit of poker, lots of Xbox and eating the infamous 4C from Chicago.

4C: Chicken, Chips, Curry and Cheese (In no particular order). Tres delish!

Left aforementioned Shaq’s house at 7am. Went to sleep in my very own comfy 2ft-across bed at 8am. Slept till 6.30pm, Saturday. Groggy till 7.30pm. Awake at 8pm. Up till 1am, Sunday. Slept at 1.30am.

Short and sweet summary. Truly fun weekend.

* * *

I’ve made it a point to write in here all the things I have trouble saying out loud. Be it for embarrassing reasons or personal or emotional turmoil, cyber space feels anonymous and therefore private. There are so many other things out there that are so much more interesting that noone could possibly find your blog and if they did, then they probably wouldn’t even know you.

Unless you gave them your blog address in trade. Dammit I shouldn’t have done it.

"Dear Readers (you know who you are),

I have this one rule, and one rule only. You are never, ever to reference any material in this blog in real life EVER. Comments are allowed, welcomed and encouraged, but the leaking of this blog would spell the defragmentation of my mental stability and you wouldn’t want that on your hands, would you?

Yours Sincerely,

Sara."

* * *

Boy Issues have once again cropped up in the new-posting on this blog. Tis not the content but the process that I find hard to do. Censor is something I do not like.

Chern knows. And thinks it’s just how I am. It probably is. And I now know what I feel but it can never be. No matter how much I hope. It’s stupid and it wouldn’t work. I won’t let myself lower standards again. It was fine that one time but from alternate reality to leak into real reality left me really confused. I think that’s just what I needed to sort out. I wanted to be flattered but who am I kidding. It’s probably just the desperation talking. Or just the lack of partying (and aftermath) that I miss.

Man I really need to get drunk and do something stupid.
(End: 4.22am)

P.S. Now that I've been reminded, yes I miss make-outs. The most fun part of PDAs I think. Gross out your friends while showing affection - can't miss! And the closest thing to pre-non-unsex I can think of.
(End: 4.25am)