We shall go from top to below-the-bottom:
HAIR
Depending on the season and weather conditions, hair is quite hard to read in terms of what’s going on in her head.
Basically,
hair up means: I can’t be bothered to brush my hair. Au natural, that’s what I say; and
hair down means: look at my lovely luxurious feminine hair. I’m such a girly girl. Teeheeheehee HEE.
Usually, girls with long hair who frequently keep it down, don’t tend to like guys with long hair either. Don’t ask me why, it’s just something I’ve noticed.
Hair in a cap: bad hair day – it is best not to mess with this girl. Even worse if you pull her cap off. She could react in two ways: Scream and yell Bloody Mary or glare at you nonchalantly and ignore you. If she ignores you, there’s something deeper that’s bugging her.
Ladies with shorter cropped hair are rather limited in terms of hair options and are therefore harder to decipher.
But take, for example, a girl with short hair who styles it with wax/gel;
Gelled/Waxed: took those extra 5 minutes to slap on some hair cement this morning
Ungelled/unstyled: ran out of hair cement and had to settle for water
MAKE-UP
I, myself, am not a big fan of make-up: I find it tedious and pointless. Well, on a daily basis anyway.
Make-up: "Look at meee! I look so preeety! Mummy says I look like a beeeutiifool butterfly!!!11! Oh thank you! Thank you! World Peace!"
Make-off: "Don’t look at me! I’m hideous! Can’t you see my inner beauty instead? You shallow and superficial ass-wipes!"
EYEWEAR
The eyes are the window to the soul. So the frame is obviously very important.
Glasses: Ah am so smart. Loookie me! Ehem. Yah. Oh course I wear glasses! Silly billy ;)
No Glasses: Hello? Who’s there? Did someone say something?
Shades: I am… the One – “dun dun DUNNNN” *gets bitch slapped*
EARRINGS
Preeety dangly cat toys hanging precariously from flesh bits of the ear. Yay.
Dangly: Attention WANTER
Studs: Attention Seeker
No earrings: Nudist
No earring hole: Chicken.
Huge ass hole: "I have a hole in my head" [Well said]
NECK ACCESSORIES
And for those who "dunno" what accessories are, they are those other things like bracelets and necklaces that… oh nevermind. You wouldn’t know what an accessory what if it came alive and bit you in the nads.
Necklaces: It is a pretty necklace and it suits my clothes today (Loong Necklaces worn with low cut tops: Look at my boobiezz! )
Necklaces with pendants: It is a pretty necklace but only this stupid thing hanging from it matches what I’m wearing
Necklaces with butterfly pendants: "I want to be like Mariah Carey! OMG!!"1!!
Chokers: Like, I’m so hip and rebellious (sooo last century, hello?)
But pearls are classy. But only in context. Pearls at a formal dinner – OK; pearls at a frat party with horny drunken college idiots – stay back! Jail bait! She’s probably only 12!
NAILS
Nail polish is so a girl thing. Unfortunately.
Painted: at least they can’t see my deformed ugly nails
Painted black: I have frostbite
Painted with nail art: I have enough money to splurge on useless frivolities like this and then shove it in my "friends'" face and watch her admire and envy me. MWAHAHA
Unpainted: Who gives a fuck about nails.
Extra: Guys with painted nails: I am secure enough with my masculinity to paint my nails (and also gullible enough to believe the girl that told him so)
BRACELETS
Oh those annoying flashy things that more often than not, get caught in hair/fences/braces etc.
Shape:
Thin: minimalist
Thick: maximalist
Many thins: maxi minimalist (she is an oxymoron)
Colour:
Red: for ze passion!
Blue: Ahoy Sailor!
Green: Save the trees! The birds! The whales! (I keep my collection on the mantle. Where do you keep yours?)
Black: I hate you. The world. It’s nothing personal. You suck. Grrr.
CLOTHES:
What a woman wears is of the utmost importance. To her. To you, it’s either, clothes; no clothes. Easy choice; but try and understand the complexities of putting on clothes everyday.
DRESSES
I like dresses. Easy, simple, one-piece outfits. Ready to wear and no matching necessary. But depending on style and colour they have different connotations.
Colour:
Every colour except black: Nice day huh?
Black: My father/mother/grandparent/gerbil DIED! WAHHHHHHH! [sympathy is needed]
Style:
Low-cut: You’d be better off going to prom or down Chow Kit with that dress.
High-hemmed: ditto as above
With bows: Front – lil’ lost farm girl; Back – wannabe lil’ lost farm girl
TOP
T-shirts, shirts, blouses; they all really mean the same thing. The Item of cloth that covers a girls ta-tas. Now before you try and pull the wretched material what’s obstructing your view away take in mind whether she’s up for it…
N.B. The following list is in reverse hierarchical order. i.e. Length trumps sleeves.
SLEEVES:
Long: noooooo touchie!
Short: casual, friendly. Belies a deeper and more vicious mean streak
One sleeve: Did you get lost on the way to the “dressing-yourself” lesson?
No sleeves: Phew! It’s hot here. And by hot, I mean me ;)
Bonus: No straps: JACKPOT!
LENGTH
Below the belt: Definitely. No. Touchie.
Belt-visible: And let’s keep it that way
Above belt: Lookie, lookie! Oh, you just missed it!
Midriff: Belly, what belly? Huh? HAH!
BOTTOMS
Now duh, if you’re gonna wear a top then obvious;y you gotta wear bottoms too right? YES. RIGHT.
Got 2 choices, skirt or pants.
Skirt: Girly, girlie, girlie GIRL!
Pants: Of course I’m a girl you cuntface!
Length wise, both are the same;
Long: Watchu looking at?
Cropped (from mid-calf to knee): I wanna run! I wanna run! Where are we goin’? C’mon! C’mon!
Short: HEL-lo
Mini-Short: I. Can’t. Sit. Down.
Micro-Short: What’s "underwear"?
SHOES
Shoes are the first things girls look at when looking at a guy. Usually. For the first time. Same with other girls. I think. Anyway, shoes can tell you a lot about a person. If they are neat or scruffy, if they are sporty or dorky, that kinda stuff. Girls can usually tell on instinct what kind of person another girl is just by judging her shoes. If she doesn’t like them, then she won’t like the person either. Guys should also learn to read shoes, they are the easiest way to tell what kind of mood she’s in.
Slippers: laid-back, i-don’t-really-care-about-anything-at-the-moment
Sandals: too hot to wear shoes; to formal to wear slippers, but sandals should do it. [there are sandal-holics btw]
OK, note: there is a difference between sandals and slippers. Slippers are just the flip-flips with a piece of rubber running between the big toe and the other one. Sandals have a strap behind the ankle.
High heels: Trying to look like a lady here. Watch where you’re walking! *squish* Sorry!
Trainers: I’m expecting to do a lot of walking so let’s go. The sooner we go, the sooner we finish. LET’S GO ALREADY.
Boots: Aren’t I SEX-AY? Kiss my sexy boots. Go on, kiss them.
SOCKS
Socks are ok. But they shold never be seen. Really, I’m all for foot comfort and all that, but as impractical as it sounds, I think the era of leg warmers and overgrown shoe fluff is way past it’s prime. Either hide them under some long pants or wear short socks. So,
For covered shoes exclusively:
High socks: DORK! (or Japanese school-girl wannabe, which equals to DORK! Anyway)
Ankle socks: smart and fashion savvy. You will pass thru the invisible fashion-bleugh detector undetected. Congratulations.
No socks: Good God woman?! Have you never heard of foot-hygiene?! I sentence you to an immediate dunking in the town duck pond and the cremation of those crimes against nasal passages everywhere!
ANKLETS
Yes, very DAHLING. Can be handmade or store bought, as long as they aren’t as gaudy as a clowns pants and less noisy than a tambourine.
Jingly ones: Cute, but not appropriate. Likes attention this one. Even at the expense of personal sanity.
Handmade: Hardworking. Yet pointless.
Store bought: rich biatch
Store bought but handmade: rich pointlessness
THE WHOLE ENSOMBLE
Now, it all had no meaning if you don’t put it altogether.
It basically doesn’t matter what she’s wearing, but how she’s wearing it. Mood-wise, this is a basic guide to guessing how she’s feeling, but if she’s wearing black and being all bubbly, then obviously she’s not Goth and depressed. Visa versa, even if she’s wearing yellow and cropped pants and slippers but still kinda lethargic and sleepy, then something is obviously wrong.
So gentlemen, take heed. It pays to pay attention. It may get you some booty, it may help you avoid a fight.
And as a last note, if a girl in high heels is forced to walk non-stop up and down town for 6+ hours, then YES her feet are gonna hurt and NO are not gonna STOP HURTING till she stops walking. Ipso facto, she WILL be pissed till she can sit down. Good to know.
dearest sara,
ReplyDeleteit's spelt ensemble.
i just wanted to get that out of the way.
what i really wanted to say is this. from my reading of your blog, specifically the post 'Body Language 101', it appears to me you intend to do one of two things:
1. you attempt to reject the stereotypes that you believe modern culture has imposed upon us by mocking said stereotypes (eg: "girlie girlie GIRL" etc.)
or
2. you attempt to mock the people who uphold these stereotypes using (poorly executed, might i add) irony.
some people might not understand the difference between the two. if the former holds true, then the opinions that you propose in your post are actually yours. in the latter, you borrow from opinions that you think other people might hold. hence the irony or satire or whatever.
upon closer inspection, i decided it was the former.
what compelled me to write this comment is this -
in your attempted subversion and mockery of these stereotypes through your sarcastic representation of them, you, in actuality, endorse them.
think about it.
where do stereotypes come from? do you think blondes came up with all the lame 'blonde' jokes that exist in this world? noooo.
stereotypes evolve from external perceptions of other people. hence, when you poke fun at said 'stereotypes' you champion them. the 'girly girl' doesn't exist until you label her as such. she is just another person until someone like you comes along, points their finger and says, 'you are this.'
what disturbs me the most is that you style yourself as some sort of social observer. a purveyor of truths, if you will. if you will allow me to quote you, "I think I’m a pretty clear cut judge of character" and also your proposal of several relationship 'truths' seem to imply that you believe yourself as retaining some sense of objectivity and realism about your points of view.
as a result, you imbue your readers with the sense that what they are reading is more than a mere opinion. people are going to look at your posts and believe you. some will, at any rate. your thoughts are going to pass on to some other people. and they, in turn, will similarly endorse the same stereotypes you do. this obviously, would lead to a proliferation of labels in our social consciousness. granted, your blog is obviously not going to poison the entire society, but every little bit counts.
my point is this. if you have warped perceptions of life and the society that you inhabit, you are more than welcome to share them. it's a human right. but don't style them as 'truths' or insight. because whatever stereotypes that presently exist in your mind are going to filter their way into the minds of your readers.
if you have the talent for writing and writing convincingly, don't abuse it.
well first and foremost, thank you for actually bothering to read the whole post. not once, but twice. I understand that is about 10 minutes of your life gone that, unfortunately, i can't give back to you.
ReplyDeleteI do sincerly appriciate you comment and in my own defence, I would like to say this:
I don't take my own writing seriously. Sure, they stem from serious thoughts, but my own sense of (warped) humour won't allow for serious posts. So in that case, I don't take my blogging seriously, and neither should anyone else.
Any point that I may try and put across will be stated as clearly as possible e.g. I think make-up is useless. There is NO sub-text. If you happen to read one, thats a mistake and I apologise.
The whole blog is MINE and when I say MINE, I mean MY own Point of View. I don't intend to speak for the majority or the minority but to put MY own views out there. If i wanted people to pay serious attention to what I write, I would go back to being a journalist (in the most obscure sense).
If I may, you said, quote unquote,if you have warped perceptions of life and the society that you inhabit, you are more than welcome to share them. it's a human right.
Damn right I have warped perceptions. And I don't care. And don't take everything so seriously. When I say truth, i mean, truth. Take it or leave it. It may not be PC to you now, but sooner or later it will return to bite you in the ass.
I am not ignorant, not am I the most informed person in teh world, but while I have the ability to do what I want with my blog, I write what ever I damn want. Of course, i don't intend to promote stereotypes. I am one myself. I jsut understand that there will always be stereotypes because a vast majority are. And if you want to break it, that's cool. You're a stereotype-breaker. How non-conformist.
Let it be known that people sould haev a sense of humour. About who they are and what they are. And people aren't labels. That I get.
Get over your beef with thinking that everything is life or death.
I don't like people beating around the bush so thank you for getting straight to the point.
Another thing, I don't HAVE readers. I have probably 1 visitor a month. So I doubt my reach will go as far as to start a stereotype war.
And taking that you chose to remain anonymous, I assume that I know you and vice versa.
haha.
ReplyDeleteokay..
wow, there's so much to say, where do i start?
why not from the beginning?
i totally agree with you. a lot of things in life are not serious. a lot of people would be a lot better off NOT taking things seriously. but, we must admit, that a lot of people DO take things seriously. a lot of people ARE going to take this blog, and therefore, your opinions, seriously. it doesn't matter if this is one person or a million, i still hold the opinion that anyone that writes anything has a responsibility to adhere to the spirit of truth in the relaying of their message. if your intent was in presenting your own personal "Points of View", then you should establish that and not treat them like they are tried and true facts. which is what you did.
my "beef" is not with your political-correctness at all. i don't really care about the kinds of stereotypes that you may hold or that you may be. it's totally fine to think in terms of 'girly-girl' or 'make-up is bad'. hey, whatever. what i care about is not passing those stereotypes on.
if you say that you didn't intend on passing any 'home truths' on, i refer you to the following quotes.
"So gentlemen, take heed. It pays to pay attention. It may get you some booty, it may help you avoid a fight."
"There are a few truths that I have painfully filtered out through many painful relationships (mine and other peoples) and will share with the World Wide Web that is my audience."
and if you didn't really MEAN for them to take it seriously, you should also establish that. (some people are dense, sara, like me. they need to be told. sad fact.)
i know when you say truths you MEAN truths. and i can accept that. but you must also accept that these are PERSONAL truths. they are truths that exist in your life, in your world. but are they really universal truths, that are prevalent everywhere, in everyone's life? i doubt that anyone can say definitively if they are.
my "beef" is not with WHAT you write, it is with HOW you write it. my point wasn't to say, 'oh, sara, why the hell do you think that?' my point wasn't to make you out as some specific type of person or other. yes, write what you want. write whatever you want. i applaud that you have the guts to just lay it out there and say, this is what i think. but you ignore the need to tell them that it is JUST what you think/know/feel. YOU. not everyone in the whole wide world is going to think/know/feel the same things. i just wanted you to tell people that your opinions are opinions not "truths". at the very least admit that what may be true to you might not be true to everyone else.
point in case: even when you say "It may not be PC to you now, but sooner or later it will return to bite you in the ass." you are again assuming that YOUR truths are going to be true in MY life. i assure you, it doesn't work like that. your experiences are never going to be the same as my experiences.
yes, sara, my "beef" is that everything IS life and death. what isn't? maybe it's a character flaw but i am simply incapable of getting over that. you, or anyone else, for that matter, are not going to be able to convince me that every moment of my life and every thing that makes up that moment, is not a matter of LIFE and DEATH.
(and obviously sara, you DO have readers. I'M a reader! and i KNOW i'm not the only one.)
lastly, i chose to remain anonymous because i didn't want to compromise my objectivity in your eyes. i have no qualms with saying something and admitting that i did say it. i have no qualms with what you may think of me. i do have qualms over you letting your personal opinions of me cloud your perception of what i am saying to you. i know that if i personalise what i said, then it would be construed as some personal attack upon you. which it isn't.
if you really want to know who i am, all you have to do is ask. nicely, of course.