Updates and BOY NOISE!

There have been a multitude of goings-on in my life so pardon me for being absent for quite some time. Chronologically:

1. Chinese New Year
Was fun! I actually enjoyed the family this year. Tho the suckiest thing was not being able to go hang out with my Boy (I forget what I’m sppsed to call him. more on that later). Lots of family dinners. Let me emphasise that there were a LOT of family dinners.

Day 1: Dinner in Aunt Theresa’s – bak kut teh and all.
Day 2: Aunt Jessie’s Wedding thing – dinner at Overseas Restaurant
Day 3: Went out with Boy (I think, I forget what day)
Day 4: Hung out with Hlbh and Durv at home – watching “Night at the Museum”, they ate a lot of the CNY cookies
Day 5: Dinner with Uncle Johnny and Co
Day 6: Dinner with the Mow’s at home – gambling and all

Day 15: Chap Goh Meh – Dinner with the Mow’s again. Gambling. Again.

2. Mooting
Stupid. Stupid stupid. Not me. The damn assignment. I hate having to do this. Stress is coming from two directions – from the actual moot, and from preparing.
Stress from preparing because I actually don’t have to prepare as much as I’m doing. But I figure if I do all the work NOW, I won’t be as stressed on the Thursday itself. I think.
And stress from actually having to stand up there are talk like a lawyer and worrying about not saying the right thing and being talked back to by the judge (Vijaya).
Most people who’ve done it have said it’s ok and when she questions you she just wants to see if your willing to stick to your point and how you handle it. I just fear the worst. Damn me and my anxiety attacks.

3. Law Ball
Actually nothing to worry about here cept that I wanna take my Boy there and there are no more seats. And I have to find a seat without anyone finding out why, tho I think Venon may know why. I asked him about seating, but I don’t know if he’s considered why I asked. I faked an interested friend who wants to go, but wants to sit with me.
Damn, I really want to find a seat for him. Anyone wanna give up yours?

4. Boy Noise
Here we go. Finally.

a) recently, while going thru female problems, I kinda had a panic attack and went totally mad – or at least I think I was mad. PMS makes you very moody so I was freaked and I dunno what he thought then but I think its ok now. Just have to remember to catch it before I do anything stupid next time.

b) and what makes a good girlfriend? A girl who lets you do whatever you want? Or a girl who wants to know what you’re doing all time? I think I may be oscillating between the two – which is why I was thinking about the boy manual a few posts back… I fear I may be hitting the “annoying” button at the same time as the “she doesn’t care” button. Yeesh, this is confusing.

c) what else. Oh right. I am extremely insecure and paranoid. And this is worsened when I am bored. Then I start to imagine what fun he’s having sans moi and I get bummed. Damn. This sounds like a repost of the last dude. I gotta get a more exciting life. I told Peter this and sed, and I quote, “you worrywart!” Thanks Peter. At least I know what to call myself :)

d) Should I assume that he likes me? or is that too much to assume? How important is actually saying “it” anyway? But can you sure if you just work on an assumption? I know they say actions speak louder than words, but words are still there for a reason – to be used.

e) I have just realised that being in a “relationship” or the closest I’ve gotten to one, is actually quite boring. Sigh.
There is no more flirting. There is no more playing catch-and-release, in a manner of speaking. Is this what it’s like all the time? Man. Being in a couple is kinda overrated. And we’re not even a “couple” couple yet. Not sure if we ever will be…
The story is: I’ve been pushing him to say the “magic words”. No, not the “L” word but something along the lines of “I like you” or any question with the word “girlfriend” which pertains to him and me. And so far, he’s been extremely evasive, if not, avoiding the issue altogether. We’ve spoken abt me going to UK, but as far as I know, he’s just filling convo space. AND from past experiences, what guys say, and what they mean, are two very separate animals. Anyway, giving him the benefit of the doubt, I’m going to assume (as I have been assuming all along) that he does like me.
I’m not sure I like him entirely tho. There’s the issue where I do like going out with him but it’s all quite weird when I haven’t seen him for a while and I get stupidly paranoid.
Oh, and bringing back the lists:
How I know he does like me: he leans against me when we watch stuff – football, movies, he touches my knee, he puts his arm over my shoulders when we walk, he avoids the issue of how he feels (tho that may just be a guy thing – not so sure), he drives me home (which is really sweet and I totally appreciate)
How I think he knows I like him: I lean against him when we watch stuff, I turn to him when I semi-squeal in movies, I let him touch my knee, I favour him over his friends (duh, but obv)
How I may be annoying: I msg him randomly (tho not excessively much), I ask stupid questions, I laugh too much, I let pms affect me (I’m trying!),
How I may seem to not care: I won’t contact him for a whole day (24 hours! – ok, happened once, and then he called me), I’ll be quiet when his friends are around (cos: 1. I dunno what they are talking abt, and 2. I don’t wanna be like all nosy and whatnot), I’m reluctant to be all girly ard him and his friends (none of that “oh! Omg! Like omg!” nonsense - I try to be concerned and all, and not all embarassed about it)

I have this awfully strong urge to hug him or smtg but thanks to my remarkable powers of self control I don’t. Actually, I only get the urge when I’m alone, when I’m around him – nothing. I’ve actually started withdrawing privileges such as letting him put his arm around my shoulder on the excuse that it’s just cos I’m short. Damn it. I wonder if he's getting the hint that's i'm getting a little tired of playing games. Tho, i suppose if it's a hint, then he's definately not getting it.

Oh, and we were supposed to go to Sunway Lagoon next week – and I was looking forward to it! But ends up we might not. Damn it.

So in conclusion – I don’t know where we stand. I’m sticking by the phrase “I don’t have a/He is not my boyfriend” and technically that’s true. Tho I wish it were the opposite.

I don’t know what I want tho – do I want just someone to call a boyfriend? Or do I actually want him to be around? Do I just want someone to make out with (very fun!) or someone to care for and who cares for me? Does it matter what I want more? Am I actually going to get the chance to try this out or do I have to keep playing these frustrating games with him?

And so ends another instalment of Boy Noise!

Lea has been super busy with law work in Holland so I’ve been struggling with internal conflict for a while now. I have no idea if what I’m thinking is sane or if I’m just relationship retarded. My Boy is so not ready to hear all this nonsense yet so I’m stuck with speculating on my sanity in cyber space. Man, its quiet out here.