I think it's...

Gosh what is this feeling?

Overwhelming sensations of warmth and tinglyness that I wish would never go away. It truly radiates from deep within my heart and I can almost hear the contented sigh as is flows through my arteries and all over my body, right down to my toes.

I just watched 27 Dresses and don’t get me wrong, it’s a god awful movie but I’m a sucker for romantic happy endings so forgive me if I wax lyrical for a bit.

I think I’m going to have to watch some kick-ass kungfu action flick to offset the overload of dopamine that’s probably making me feel this way.

The thing about romantic comedies (from a girl’s perspective) is that when we watch it, we always put ourselves in their place. Regardless of how similar in characteristics we are or even if we would make the same decisions. Girls really just want to be wooed and chased and swept off their feet – in not such dramatic terms but along the lines.

Now I’m not your typical girly girl. I don’t like pink and I don’t like being all cutesy (unless it suits my purpose). I do like shopping but I tend to do a quick browse rather than a full scale rummage. I enjoy football – watching it mainly - and running around. I refuse to be limited by the fact that as a girl, I am a victim of my emotions but there are a few things I will readily admit to as being influential to my moods and therefore reactions. I get PMS. I do get mood swings. And as previously stated, I’m a sucker for happy endings.

I don’t know why that part of being a “girly girl” is evident in me and why the other emotional components aren’t. I’m a hopeless romantic and a cynic at the same time. I truly do believe in love at first sight and I think I’ve been a witness to it but I highly doubt that’s ever going to happen to me. I believe in everlasting love but yet again, not involving me.
There are so many good things in this world that happen to great people and I honestly believe that they do exist – I just can’t picture it happening to me – so if anything along those lines remotely seems to point to that direction, I can’t help but be cynical.

I question myself: why? Why be so cynical and disbelieving in my own fortune in, um, that area?
I blame history. But I shouldn’t really. I’m smarter than that.
I blame trust issues. But that shouldn’t count towards new things now should it?
I have to protect myself. Which is true. But to what extent?
So therein lies the question of Why?

There are a million excuses I could give before finally hitting the nail on the head but I doubt you want to hear it. It’s long winded and boring and probably you’ve heard it before. So without out going into details as to the what, let’s deal with the solution.

The quick fix solution is easy and fun and dare I say it, non-committal. Distract oneself until I grow up and have to make the real choices in life, because as is painfully obvious to me everyday, I am so very much younger (and unfortunately immature) than everyone else.
When I was younger, people used to say that I was very mature for my age. I would converse with people age groups above my own. I could hold an adult’s attention by the mere words that came out of my lips. I was used to being thought of as smart and educated and mature. But as I grew older and school came along, all that didn’t seem important. I wanted to play. And be a kid. And I think even until now I love living that childhood that I don’t remember having.

I’ve been reckless and foolish to put it bluntly in terms of stuff that people take a while to consider. Thinking back, I don’t regret anything that I did – I knew what I was doing and I accept that things had to end - but I just wish I knew then what I know now.

That is, not everything is so serious. There are times when you put everything you have into something just at the flick of a finger and times when you carefully wade into the shallows before you dive head first into the deep end. I shamefully say that I picked the wrong action for the wrong scenario.

But that was then.

So what has brought on this long babbling post about romance and the heart stuff and all that mushiness? I would be lying if I said that events of today had not altered my perception somewhat but in truth it’s the sappy chick flick known as 27 Dresses.

In the end, the reason that I like those movies isn’t the acting (heck no) or the storyline (well in part), but it’s the ending. Of course they never show you what happens afterwards – fights, divorce – the realities of life. But the endings are those picture-perfect moments that make all the ache and stuff worth it I think. And that’s what I think I’m hoping for. The movie plot sets the scene that tells you why it’s so special, but if it happens to you, then you know the past and you truly appreciate the fullness of emotion leading up to that moment.

Romantics like me tend to live moment to moment. It’s those glorious blips in time that make the sloppy journey all worthwhile. A true romantic (which I consider myself to be) is not fazed by the grand gestures of love and affection. We are touched by the deeper meaning behind it. You could hire a parade of flower floats declaring your undying love for someone but that would pale in comparison to a hand written note scrawled in crayon from the person sitting next to you that said “I Love You”.

Big WOAH right here. Don’t take this to mean this is what I or any other self proclaimed romantic wants. This is just emphasising the point about sincerity being the most prominent thing when it comes to these things. So if there’s anything that you take away after reading this blog (in addition to the encapsulating awe that you feel for me as a magnificent blog writer), let it be this: be sincere. With deepest feeling and the whole of your soul say it and make it be true. Don’t over do it but don’t under appreciate it.
Because for a certain few and a great many girls, that’s all that really counts.
And trust me; it will hold you in good stead in the long run.

Now I have to go and hide my head because I’ve just let out the secret to making a girl fall in love with anyone.

Prime Example

Major mental meltdown yesterday.

Must. Get. A. Grip.

Was probably over-reacting.

Freak out has died down.

You can come out now kiddies. I'm more or less rational again.

A bit embarrassed I told so much but at least its out there now. Free to roam and probably return to bite me in the butt.

O My God What Have I Done

I may have mentioned before that I have slight neurotic reaction to stressers.
Edit: And by neurotic I mean panicked and blabber mouthed.

Aaaaand stressers include getting hit by shocking statements.

Aaaaand these statements include those that make me choose between heart and head. Like right at that very instant.

I don’t wanna expose too much, this being kinda personal and all but I still feel bad. Felt like a rejection.
And: that’s not the implication I meant.

It’s not a flat out no. But it’s not a yes either. It’s a “gimme-a-bit-of-time-and-I-have-to-think-about-it” answer.

Emotional baggage to be addressed of course. It’s still a bit soon so I don’t know whether I’m still reeling or even rebounding (if at all. I don’t feel it, but it could be one of those suppressed things you hear about). And granted we spend and have spent ages together and what with all the ensuing drama, it feels more spontaneous and electrifying (oooh, what a word) than a 2-week thing should at this point. Or maybe it’s just what would happen anyway regardless and I’m over-analysing again.

I think I’m over-analysing. Because I panicked. And rocked my mouth off again. At the wrong time. I think I need more feet because I keep sticking them in my mouth constantly.

Emotional baggage aside – UnnamedMale (you have yet to adopt the official label so this is what I’m calling you ;) hadn’t considered the Summer Cardiff-KL issue. I have. Extensively. And as per protocol – I’m just seeing how this will pan out. Now, Tomorrow, Later, In the Future.

And back with emotional baggage – I have horrible history and a huge chip on my shoulder about these things and I agree wholeheartedly that every one is different and I think and feel the same via vous. I really appreciate that you took it in your stride and made me feel crappy about being so caught up in this “generalisation of guys” issue, at the same time. Kudos to you matey (And no, I’m not angry).

I can’t help but draw from past experiences and keep telling myself to not jump the gun on things like this as I have yet to show prudent and mature decision-making with regards to my relationships with Boys. So I don’t trust myself at all. However, I am not so wimpy with my ways as to listen to whatever people are barking at me.

Internal monologue is on repeat and it says: Go only as far as he is willing to commit to. No more, no less. But less is ok because of self preservation.
Trying to prevent emotional death. Again.

* * *

Not one of my more elegant posts but today’s been pretty turbulent and a bit disappointing. My expected up, became a downer. Which stabled out for a bit. Elevated slightly but dropped dramatically. Wavered on mediocre for a bit and is still fluctuating like a monkey on a rope (???).

Wow, even my metaphors are suffering today.

* * *

Regardless of what I said yesterday – it would be nice to hear from both of my greatly appreciated readers.

Mild desperation with a hint of oops is the expected forecast for tomorrow. With warm smiles and intense flipping-out to be headed towards the Continent (The Netherlands in particular).

* * *

Just as a last minute addition - I'll come clean on my mental whereabouts so that noone's lost. In, dare I say, relationships, my attitude is all or nothing. Rather intense I know but that's how it is with me. Not to say I always plunge in, but I tend to wallow around fully clothed as it were. I'm not the sort to make rash decisions but the decisions I make I stand by them as if my life depended on it. It's not like me to second-guess myself - it's not something I like doing, nor am good at. So if I'm in, I'm in for the Whole Hog. The Long Haul.The Big Bang.
I've mentioned my on-off switch right? It's off right now. Do you dare turn it on? Ain't it lovely fun being rhetoric in blogs? Cryptic it's not.

Oh dear

Instead of blogging about the stressful few days when Saiful was "disappointed" in me for dating a smoker, I am instead going to focus on things that I am certain, or at least pretty sure about.

• Make outs are fun. I highly recommend them to pretty much everyone. Tho make sure you pick a suitable, erm, person. It's like buying a used car - cept you don't really want a brand new one. Lightly used, not to many miles on it and in good condition. Follow those criterion and you should be fine. And no, you can't borrow mine. Possessive tense for comedic effect only.
  
• I fear I may be going bimbotic. Again. The whole "Wheee!" no-brainer thing is causing me to lose more brain cells - or at least use more of them to remember less academically inclined subjects.

• Men are not to be trusted. Long term LDRs are shite. Tho proof has come in 2 forms, it's like those Bigfoot sightings - sure, people have actually seen them but you're still skeptical anyway. Must remember this. No matter how tempting it is to consider otherwise. Carpe Diem dammit!

• Must be wary of Saiful. Darnit Jem! Why'd you have to plant that notion in my head? That talk still haunts me. Eugh. Everything's got a new spin on it now...
  

• Which leads me to: Must be more careful with what I say to people - guys in particular. I don't want to become Cheryl. Lea! Tell me that I'm not becoming Cheryl! I will bury my head in sand if that is what it takes to de-Cheryl me.

* * *

Lea. I really need responses on this. Uh, no pressure k. I know ur busy. When u are free and not wanting to think about essays... Non-urgent stuff this.

Bring your Brollys!

HUJAN was in Cardiff! Yay!

Ok, so on to more exciting (i.e. me) stuff.
Hehehehe.

I think we have this Thing. (This is not a secret btw, but it kinda feels like it). We're not a couple. Nor do I want us to be at this point. But its getting harder trying to find a name for this whole situation. Far be it that I dare to label us.

Ah wells. I have decided - at least for now - to not think about it. Not until June or something crops up. So Live for the Moment! Carpe Diem! and all that stuff. You only get one life to live right?

And having said that - I'm having so much fun *super mega ultra grin*

First something.

Friday was fun. And as it ran into Saturday it got better.
Can you spell romantic?! Like OMFrickinG.
HAHA.

Oh no. No details. Kinda fuzzy right now cos it's been a run of late nights.

* * *

And 1st Days are a bitch. A fricking BITCH I tell you. And Aunt Flo couldn't have come at a worse time. Curse of the bloody crimson tide.

Quickie Numero Duex

This time i have to run out cos I'm supposed to go play badminton with some buddies.

Just been speed-reading thru some previous posts and although I hate doing retractions or qualifying anything I write - what with my current mood right now - I feel like it was so very melodramatic.

The panic attacks and freak outs are still quite vivid in my subconscious and by no means do I discredit their legitimacy or foundation for being, but OMG, I can really let it all out huh?

Yes yes, all I wrote down then is and was real at the time.

Just that when you're feeling pretty happy and all is good with the world, its hard to believe that you could ever be so stupid.

And this post is getting closer and closer to marshmellow central...

Which reminds me:
Lea: Remember what I said about the inevitable and unavoidable train crash? Well that train has turned into a marshmellow choo-choo driven by unicorns and filled with a soft chocolatey centre.
For anyone else: don't even bother to try and figure out what that means ;)

Quickie

Here's a quick post coz i gotta go to a HUJAN Meeting - somewhere.

There's been a spate of retractions lately ain't there? I hope that in no way reflects on my fickle nature. Not totally. I mean. Um. Nevermind. Heh.

Right, so what was I going to say?

Ah yes.

Emotional Rollercoaster Week!
Monday (24th March) - Excited. Worried. Bummed.
Tuesday - Uber worried. Stressed. Panicked.
Wednesday - Confused. Less worried. Pissed. Annoyed.
Thursday - Fickle. Confused. Determined to figure out what's going on.
Friday - Tired. Stressed. Really Bummed.
Saturday - Excited. Tired. Confused.
Sunday (Easter) - Holy (hahahaha). Excited. Normal (!). OK. --> Really OK *grin* Happy!

N.B. Will edit this post in lovely colours later.
Edit: Editted!

Just to let you all know

I take back the melodramatic stuff below.

Stuff has changed.

Let's just say I don't have to make myself do anything now.

I really need to sleep.

A pint a pub keeps me happy

Let’s get the menial over and done with first ey?

UNITED 3 – Liverpool 0
Chelsea 2 – Arsenal 1

Woot woot!

Which means:

• United are top of the table
• Chelsea leapfrogs Arsenal into second place
• Chelsea and Arsenal are behind United by 5 and 6 points respectively
• Only 7 more games to go!

The odds that United would win 3-0 (according to a betting shop I passed in town on the way back from Easter Mass) were 1:16! Don’t know more the bookies come up with the most likely odds… Insider information perhaps. Must make mental note to find out one day.

* * *

Now for the more interesting stuff.

Here’s a juicy little story:

I liked this guy. Nice guy. Decent guy. I liked him pretty much before he did anything but that has no bearing on this story. Much.
We went out a few times. Informally. Casual. Friendly.
He asked me out. Formally.
There was a Thing. Something happened. Things were said. I meant it one way, he thought it meant something else. No more date.
Bummed out. Things left hanging in the air.
Now friends. So I say.
It’s like being dumped really. But not really.
Still like him a bit. Always hard to be the one left behind.

And no. I don’t care if he reads this. And you damn well know who you are.

To Lea: This is what you missed!

* * *

So that’s just my take on it. I know (well I guess I know) that he still reads this blog. I wish you didn’t but I can’t do much about that now. I think I’m going to stop reading yours cos it’s just a little too painful. No hard feelings – you’re a good writer, but reading what goes on in someone’s head without context is annoying. Half the time I think it’s about me and half the time I wish it was.

Total creative license restored. Check.

So how am I coping? Well. I stole his tobacco box. Twice.
So the simple answer to that is: childishly. But hey – to each his own.

I’d prefer not to have to see him or talk to him or anything him ever again. But I’ve come to realise that avoidance isn’t the answer. Its just makes things bitter and I think we make too good friends for that to happen. Even if that’s all it is.

Looking back, one of my Ex-Boys (He is too insignificant in terms of numerical accounting) was and still is one of my good friends. And the reason why is that we hung out in the same group and we were practically forced to deal with each other on a daily basis – together with taunts, teases and jeers from our peers. At the time I didn’t want anything to do with him but for the sake of keeping the group together and not making a big fuss, I just tried to be as amiable and as civil as possible. Long story short, we’re still friends and we can both laugh at that month that we both tried and failed to make it work.

Same concept to be applied.

Cept I don’t have friends to cater to so I’ll do this for myself. I won’t go out of my way to avoid him nor force myself into situations where we will be around each other.

Shall see if it works. *fingers crossed*
This trial and error thing sucks. I don’t like uncertainties.

One problem that I can think of is how to start acting like friends? No details here but ask me (Lea) and I’ll tell you.

I give myself 1 month. If not, I’ll be very disappointed.

* * *

Almost forgot:

BRONZE for NETBALL in CARDIFF MALAYSIAN GAMES 2007/2008!

A tad disappointing but we worked really hard for it!

Other results:
Futsal Cup – GOLD – Cardiff C [who beat Cardiff A in the semis!]
Futsal Cup – Bronze – Cardiff A
Futsal Plate – Bronze – Cardiff Keluarga (Taufik’s team)
Congkak – GOLD – Yih Jia (Cardiff!)
Batu Seremban (5 stones) – GOLD – Julie!
Badminton – Men’s Singles – Silver
Badminton – Men’s Doubles – Silver and GOLD (one of the players was a girl!)
Badminton – Women’s Singles – Silver (Played in the Men’s Doubles too)
Basketball – Bronze

More fights: during the Quarterfinals of the Futsal Cup (Cardiff A v Chinese Soc), the Chinese Soc players (well one of the players) didn’t like the way Derek was refereeing so after the game he confronted him and what resulted was a huge mass of guys either trying to rip the other guy’s throat out or stop some guy from doing it. Taufik threw a punch so I heard.
I here readily admit I’m no good at fights. I will support and motivate from a distance but I prefer to keep a distance. I think only basic curiosity would lead me to actually get near a fight.

Come to think of it, if I were in a fight with a girl I wouldn’t mind. But not with guys. Especially guys who are twice as big as me and twice as heavy.

Minor Melodies

Today is Good Friday and being Catholic (admittedly, not a good one) I should take at least some time out to appreciate His sacrifice for us. Now I don't wanna go all gospel-truth and everything so this is my Thanksgiving time:

• Thanks that we have someone to believe in when times get tough
• Thanks for that really good book that has really good sayings in it
• Thanks for being the One who loves us unconditionally
• Thanks for being selfless and setting an example
• Thanks for showing us the meaning of LOVE.

There are some more but it'll make this blog sound a bit too religious so I'll just leave it at that.

* * *

I've had quite a number of friends throughout the years and its natural that you lose touch or just drift apart. But there are those whose friendship you lose suddenly and maybe without warning. It's not so hard when you are the one initiating the divide but its awful when you are the one being cut off. And even harder in a subtle passive-aggressive manner.

There are occasions where even sorry can't fix the most minor of wounds because even thought everything looks alright on the surface, it cuts straight down into the core. Those, only time can mend.

I've never been good at fixing deep wounds that I've caused. Could never find the right words or get the timing right. Always with my foot in my mouth or just gabbing off random rubbish to try and make them feel better.

Basic emotions I can deal with. Happiness. Sadness. Anger. Because for those, there is a corresponding opposite emotion that one can try and evoke to counteract the present one.
Complex emotions like frustration and confusion are more deeply rooted within a person and it takes a deeper understanding of that person's personality and experiences to be able to connect with them. I'm a guesser, I don't know much.

But I know this. I'm a simple creature. No really, I am.
I say what I mean - always. Especially if I'm being serious.
I mean what I say - hand on heart, hope to die.
I have a tendency to be sarcastic when defensive.
I joke a lot about everything but when I say I'm being serious I mean serious.

If you can't tell: look at my face and you'll see what I mean.
Grinning = I'm kidding
Smiling = Keep it lighthearted
Frowning (with sideways mouth) = Thinking hard
Gritted teeth = Angry

*Biting lip; Looking away = Lying.

* * *

Like I said. I don't know what else to say. I don't know what to say. I've said all that I can think of. That's all I have to say, I guess.

Zone of Pain

I couldn't resist putting this in. Credits to Sha for blogging it and I would credit the person who made it up but I'm not sure who made it!

I like it. Cos it's true. *grins*

P.S. Blog editting is so much easier in Firefox.

O Happy Day!

I’m amazed how what netball does to my sense of wellbeing.

Walking to netball: pessimistic, depressive, a tad emo and a bit sad.
Walking BACK from netball: energetic, lively and generally happy-go-lucky.

I felt brilliant.

No more worries about what I was worrying about.

And about that: I figured, just let it go. I’m a little disappointed but not that I can complain. Deal with it as it comes and if it does, great. If not then we keep the status quo. Both is fine and no harm no foul, you know?

So no more emo, depressive posts! Good news at last!

* * *

And more good news boys and girls!

MANCHESTER UNITED 2 – BOLTON 0
TOTTENHAM HOTSPURS 4 – CHELSEA 4*
*What a bloody cracker of a game that was!

I could not be happier.
(Actually I could but that’s a different matter. ;)

This means:

1. United retain the top spot – 3 points ahead of Arsenal
2. Chelsea are stuck in 3rd position
3. Chelsea got stumped by Tottenham – again! Tottenham Hotspur who are in 11th place FYI.
4. There are 11 points separating the top 4 sides with 8 matches to go!
5. THE TOP FOUR PLAY EACH OTHER THIS SUNDAY!

Manchester United v Liverpool - 1pm
Arsenal v Chelsea - 3.30pm

I am so not getting any work done this weekend.
(Because Cardiff Games are on Saturday.)

* * *

Spending even 2 hours in Shaq’s house make my clothes smell like I grew up in the industrial revolution. That house is a sure-fire way to get lung cancer.

I know I don't know

I have no freakin idea what I'm doing anymore.

I'm not even writing this post properly like I should (MS Word, then notepad then Blogger Compose!).

I don't know whether to say something or not bring it up, or just ignore it or see what's going on.

Normally I can rationalise and say "You know what. I'm going to do this, this and this. And this and this will happen." But you all know how it is when emotions get in the way. There's the scared bit and the anxious bit and the I-Don't-Know-What-I'm-Doing-So-I'm-Just-Winging-It Bit.

Its kinda like my head's exploded and I don't know how to put all the wires back in the right place. There is a manual (logic) but it's like there's a monkey stealing my tools (emotions). And you can go and enjoy that little piece of imagery right there.

Like I said. I just want this week to be over with. And to be honest it's not because of the timesheet or anything like that.

And the problem I have isn't going to be over once this week is over either. It'll only be done with once I get the balls to face it. And I'm slowly wimping out here.

* * *

I've got this thing, right? And it's been stomped. Shit. Flat as a pancake. Metaphorically speaking. EUGH. This should not be happening. I'm so piss furious at myself.

This! Again! Should know better, girl. Should know better.

Good Moaning to you too

Just having checked my Bank Account finances I just remembered something I neglected to include in the past blog posts.

I’ve lost my timesheet for this week.

Which means I don’t get paid.

Let me break it down for you:
I work at the Career Service for Cardiff University as a Student Communications Representative. I work for 2 hours a week (in the contract) and get paid £5.52 an hour.
At the end of the week I collect a time sheet which tells the JobShop (the Univeristy Employment Agency) to pay me for 2 hours work at £5.52 an hour so that comes up to £11.04 per week. However, the Jobshop pays me £12.29 a week for some reason (not that I’m complaining).

So.

Now that I’ve told you that I’ve just lost my timesheet for this week you can see what that means.

I’ve just lost £12.29 out of my own pocket. That's RM73.74!

And it’s not like I can be pissed. It’s my own fault. I’ve looked everywhere! That tiny piece of paper can do wonders for your esteem.

* * *

And I’m having a bad week. As a result of an accumulation of things.

Illud est (i.e.):

• Lost timesheet
• Oceana Incident
• Friday plans gone awry
• London plans gone awry
• Not enough players for Netball
• Shelling out money to book the court for said Netball
• Nothing to do but work (which I should consider a sign that I should actually do work)

* * *

Have I mentioned that I’ve given up chocolate for Easter?

It’s not what’s bringing me down at the moment but I could sure use a dose of some right now.

Just need something to take my mind off everything. Poker, a movie or just walking around with friends! I’ve even lost the will to go window shopping. I think it just depresses me more.

* * *
Is it safe to write with full artistic license yet? There are deep dark secrets bursting to be told!

St. Patrick's Day Cock-up

I have never needed chocolate as much as I need it now. and here’s why:

Yesterday I went to Oceana at 11pm. Supposed to “celebrate” St. Patrick’s Day (even tho we’re not in Ireland) as an excuse to go on a bit of a binge. The night turned out horribly.

Around about 1.40am, Tuesday morning, someone grabbed Jeremy’s beret and tossed it into the crowd. Needless to say, what with the throng of people around, the beret was quickly engulfed and never to be seen again. Now according to Jem (and I don’t doubt him on this), his parents bought the beret in Dublin for 50 quid! No joke. And obviously he was quite pissed.

After looking and not finding the beret, he went back to the guy who tossed it (drunk as a frickin skunk – he went commando in front of us once. Yuck) and asked him where it was, to get it back and if not, just pay for it. Now, telling that to a guy that drunk would be like teaching algebra to a 4 yr old. As a result the guy got offensive and there was some sorta scuffle thing. Guys were circling and the dance floor was starting to resemble a boxing ring. Bouncers stepped in and bounced Jem.

I didn’t know at the time but Jem did nothing wrong.
[No-one fking tells me anything.]

So to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I was just like “Ok. Jem’s bounced. I wonder why. Tell me the fk why!” [I was swearing at that point.]

10 minutes later there really wasn’t any point in staying in Oceana so most of them went downstairs and I followed. The mood was killed and Jem was evidently pretty ticked off and so were the Cambrian Boys (a bunch of guys who live together up in Cambrian Point. No idea where that is – all I know is it’s far away). Jack and Wai Cheong were up in arms for him and Jack called the local police (not much help there) and threatened ECHR action up their asses if they didn’t show up. It was at this point where I learned what had gone down up in the club and I doubt there was any possibility of re-entry anyway.

* * *

Damn. First bar fight I’ve ever been involved in. Scary as shit I tell you. Especially when everyone around you wants to get involved and as a rule, I don’t condone violence – especially if there is a non-violent way of dealing with it. Not like beating the guy up is going to get ur cap back, right? Granted, if you don’t get your cap back anyway, and then by all means, kick the shit out of him. But if the moment passes, then just chill out and get on with life.

I really don’t get the whole violence thing. I know, I know. Stand up for yourself and don’t take shit from anyone.
It’s just not who I am. Raised as a pacifist. Not by choice I must add. If I were 5’6” then I would gladly back you up in any fight but (almost) 20 years of being shot down for being short and other shortcomings, you learn to take things in your stride.

And then there is the only male confrontation I ever occasionally get into, which is with my dad. And there is no arguing with him. So I just back down till he cools off and find some other way of getting sneaky, cunning revenge. Like putting pepper in his underwear.

Passive aggressive.
It’s what I’m good at.
Maybe sometimes too passive. But I’m working on it.

What I’m trying to say is. For those of you who read what happened above and think why didn’t she do something, this is for you.

I wanted to do something. I wanted to storm back into the club and drag that sucker out so he could get his just desserts.
Why didn’t I?
I figured with enough hot heads around and not that I knew what the hell was going on anyway; it would just make things worse. And rational thinking in times of crisis is what I’m good at. Not soothing tempers or saying the right things. So I figured: just shut up and be supportive. Which is what I tried to do (apparently I failed).

Preventing a fight was my main goal. I hate watching violence thrown down (unless I’m in the throes of it, then bring it on!) cos it always means someone gets hurt and I can’t abide by that. Call it empathy or being overly-sensitive but if it looks like it hurts, it does to me.
Unless I feel you deserve it, then it’s a busted leg and traction for you.

The guy in Oceana was way past sober thinking and not that that’s an excuse but somehow I didn’t feel like he deserved to get beaten up. Maybe it was cos that would have made the end end in such a horrible fashion. Not that it had a happy ending but I think better everyone walk away with arms and legs fully functional than as casualties of war.

* * *

Back to yesterday:

Jem went back up into Oceana after the cops came after doors closed and went looking for his beret. Couldn’t find it.

Nothing else much interesting happened after that. We all slunk off home. Sin Yew wanted to use the loo but couldn’t find one and the Aberdare toilet was locked. He gallantly made it all the way back to his place with a bursting bladder.

* * *

As a side note, I didn’t wanna say this yesterday, but your fly was open.

* * *

And Jack, if you’re reading this. Welcome. Now get out.

Making sense of my Fallible definitions

Sara’s Social Interaction Gradient.

The following lists out the different and segregated levels of Social Interaction as interpreted by yours truly.

• Hanging Out – The more the merrier. Primary purpose is to just goof around and do general brain flushing activities.
• Casual Dating – Almost the same as Hanging Out but the intention is to get to know the other person better.
• Serious Dating – Progressive from Casual. Mutual Attraction. Romance starts here.
• Courting – That semi-awkward period where you both wanna get serious and committed but neither are willing to ask. Also known as the “Bubble Phase”.
• Couple Status – The Boyfriend/Girlfriend Stage. Congrats. You are now in a relationship. Whoopdee-frickin-doo.
  

Pardon me if I sound a bit cynical but it’s not like I’ve experienced the upside to this scale at any point. In hindsight, I suppose you could consider it a mental progression into Romance.

The main reason I figured I had to put down this list (and Lea agrees with me here) is cos of past misunderstandings with members of the opposite sex.

He says: Let’s go out.
I say: Ok.

He means: Let’s be a couple!
I mean: Let’s go hang out.

And you can see where it can all go horribly wrong.

Stupid high school, hormonally driven boys.
(Well it lasted like a week. Who says “I Love You” after a week?)

And then there are the ones that take the flirting seriously. And I know it’s cruel to lead people on and I always stop it before it gets too bad. And I always clarify that I just mean to be friends. Unforch, it’s cost me a few friends and a few broken hearts (that have happily mended I’m pleased to say).

Ok, as a disclaimer to that last paragraph, there are those to whom flirting is intentional and are intended to produce results.

* * *

The thrill of the hunt.

I really think like a guy sometimes. And I know some of you will hate me after this next bit.

You know how guys have this biological urge to spread their seed? I think I’m the anti-matter to that. Not that I’m the female version but the thrill of the chase is soooo much fun.

Flirtatious banter should never end between couples I think. It’s what makes having an other half fun to be around. Kinda shows that the attraction never dies, ya’know?
The last one turned into a squatting toad after we got thru the couple stage.

And I make a terrible girlfriend I think. Clingy, needy and jealous. I think jealous goes with the territory but the first two are probably by-products of the neglect of that idiot Ex.

* * *

Enough depressive crap.

I have just finished a whole half-pack of sour gummies. And didn’t eat anything else all day. No, not anorexic (Did you not read about the gummies?). Dunno, just didn’t feel like making anything to eat. Nothing I can think of to make to eat in the kitchen.

* * *

Cardiff Games (22^nd March 2008)

Not enough players for netball! I’m going out of my mind! It’s so not fair. Dammit. And we could beat the Bruneians too. We can’t host the Games and NOT send a team. That’s just pathetic.

* * *

Oh and as I’m going back to KL in the Summer, Sin Yew has tagged along my flight and is apparently booking tickets. This will be my last Summer in the tropics! Its 3^rd year, then BVC. Parents want me to stay in the UK and “not go back to Malaysia”. Gotta find a house next session.

A bit of a random post but I’m all drained out after doing Labour Law tutorials and staring at my Laptop all day.

* * *

I refuse to use the phrase “Ciao” to sign off anything. Its stupid and poser-ish and a blatant attempt to try and seem “cool”. A simple “bye” will do for me.

Bye.

Oh dear, where'd all the hot water go?

The best blog posts of mine are carefully thought out and descriptively worded in a place of solitude and peace and calm i.e. the shower.

1. The “m” key is being a pain in the ass and not pressing when it’s supposed to. Which leads to repressing and retyping of words which is a waste of time and is making me more annoyed than usual. I think it started like a week ago and it’s still not fixed!

2. Warwick Games

Not going. Why? Because the bus broke down AND we don’t have enough players for the team.

THIS is why I am seriously pissed. I WAS feeling gutted but now I just want to vent. ARGH!

What happened, I hear you ask (silently)? This is what happened:

Saturday, 15^th March

• Got a text message from Iman (Netball Sports Coordinator) saying that there are technical difficulties with the coach and that we can’t go. I wonder: what technical difficulties?
• Saiful swings by and we eat beef rendang (slightly burned, but edible-ish) and I tell him that the netball team isn’t going. He is shocked.
• He calls Pijan (MSSCF Sports Sec). Finds out the bus broke down and the football boys are taking cars to Warwick Games. I wonder: why can’t the girls take cars too?
• Jeremy (Footie boy) IMs and is concerned that we are not going. He calls Pijan (Sorry Pijan! Didn’t mean to sic 2 guys on ur butt).
• Jem volunteers his friend’s car, subject to insurance matters and finding a driver.
• Manage to convince Saiful to drive to Warwick (!)
• Call Iman. 3 times. No response.
• Iman calls back.
• Tells me that even with transport issues sorted, we don’t have enough players. Mun and Niz are injured and that leaves us with 6 players – short of 1 for the minimum of 7. I wonder: any possibility of getting them to play anyway.
• She calls me back and tells me there’s no way they will be fit to play.

I am GUTTED.

Seriously, I don’t wanna think about it anymore. The more I think about it the more frustrated I get and then I tend to snap at people and say mean things.

3. I told you that so I could tell you this:

Actually no, but I always wanted to say that!

This bit’s about Boy Issues. I have deduced, while meditating is calming warm water, that if somehow I have delivered mixed signals to unintentional target that steps should be taken to rectify said misconceptions. Here, in two parts, are my main problems:

Male #1

Unknown and unintended signals were allegedly sent. Spotted by external third party. Sender (me) warned of possibility of signal misunderstanding and actions were taken to clarify with sendee (Male #1). Sender wary of signals sent to sendee but after clarification with parties involved, is able to communicate at own discretion.

However, third party further warns of deception on the part of the sendee with regards to understanding the clarification. Sender is so warned and remains wary but does not act as paranoid as before.

Problem: Sender has already clarified with sendee but has been further notified of possible deliberate falsehood of understanding.

Male #2

Intentional signals were sent. Unknown if received and/or understood. Interference in the form of social lubricant may have caused cross wiring, garbled transmissions or various forms of miscommunication. Signals sent at rare and brief occasions. Sendee (Male #2) eventually returns signals but sender is unclear of meaning. Unable to clarify signals as sendee–sender status is unstable. Sender has decided to stop sending signals as sendee is not of permanent status.

Problem: Sender is unsure whether to keep sending mild signals as is unsure of sendee translation of signals.

*No names, as to protect my dignity. Sigh.

Not to say I don’t know what to do – I hashed out my plan of action already – but some unbiased suggestions would be nice. Just to see if I’m on the wrong track or just really not sane.

4. Non-emotional stuff

Thursday

Went to TigerTiger. Via Liquid [closed], Revolution [age restrictions] and Walkabout [it was mentioned]. Not that many people but danced my arse off anyway. Got drunk as a skunk (how drunk do skunks get? Anyone know?) but no puking – that is and will be the rule. Didn’t feel drunk, just really free and having lots of fun. According to Saiful, I was a 7 on the Sober(1)-Wasted(10) Scale. And that’s pretty far along. The last time I got to maybe a 7 was at Elisa’s 16^th. I tend to hold back but I didn’t feel like it this time.

Friday

Drink the Bar Dry! But I’ll get to that.

Work – real paid work – from 12pm to 2pm. Woke up at 11.30 for it. Still not feeling awake.
Netball training from 3-6pm. Took a 30 min nap from 2.10pm to 2.40pm. Decided to go see the play.
8pm. Ran to the Sherman Theatre. The Almond and the Seahorse. Basically a theatre show about 2 couples and lost memories due to Traumatic Brain Injuries (TBI). Good acting and brilliant scripting. 8 pounds well spent.
Hopped over to Ambala for (what else) Lamb Briyani!
Decided to go to the Taf and check out the Drink the Bar Dry event. Cheap drinks. Got boring.
Went to Solus. More fun. At least there was music. Couldn’t dance at first because of food baby ala Ambala. By time food baby stopped trying to leap out my throat, music went weird. Last 5 or so songs were pleasantly a nice balance between closing the club and happy emo rock.
Wasn’t tired but didn’t really wanna hang at Shaq’s house and play poker so took a stroll to Julies place and crashed in her living room. Regaled by the mistress of the house herself of the delicious *sarcasm* and nutritious blend of chicken chowder, pepper and Lingams Chilli sauce.
Music tv was on-and-off good and sucky. Left at around 4am.
Didn’t sleep till 6.30 thanks to a restless soul who tricked me into learning what spooning was (over the phone ppl! Stop thinking dirty thoughts.)

Saturday

Woke up at 3pm thanks to a call from a freaked out Saiful wanting to come over and listen to the United game (Derby-United 0-1!). Declined only to get a further half an hour sleep after which I woke up and proceeded to waste my Saturday.

Bummed around till about 7. Saiful popped over after buying beef and we made beef rendang (see above).Chern joined us and we had a little picnic in my room complete with oranges and sparkling juice – which tasted slightly fermented.

* * *

And here we are. Back to the Present.

I should really work on my tutorials.

NAH. Later. ;o)

Greetings old friend

It's been a while but hello again!

Granted, some inspiration towards writing has come in the form of late/early sleep times, new blog readings and the first and second seasons of How I Met Your Mother.

I suppose I should do lists, since I find it easier to list things at this ungodly hour than form actual paragraphs.

1. People I Know In Cardiff and Labels/Identities

• Chern - Third Floor Hallmate and closest thing to a best friend here. Knows me better than I know myself - scary! Cooking companion and all round hardworking gal. Avid ballet dancer and food-unwaster. Would go mental without.
• Saiful - Token Malay Boy. No, just kidding. Best Gay Non-Gay Guy Friend Ever. And by that I mean he is given the "Gay Best Friend" label without being gay. We click. And it's cool.
• Su-Ann - Sister in Surname. Also Floormate. And fellow HELPian. Met by proxy and knowledgeable big sis. Smarty pants but that's ok.
• Divan – Fellow Man United supporter and one of the few Indian Malaysians we have here. Exceedingly smart and downright nice guy. Aberdare intruder but that’s ok.
• Danny – Fun when sober. Even more fun when drunk. Bucket loads of charisma. Loves a good joke and has suspicious taste in music. Great actor and would make a hilarious comedian one day. You know, if this whole law thing doesn’t pan out.
• Gin Jhen – Doesn’t own a proper coat. Smooth talker and friendly (maybe too friendly) guy. Favourite game: Fishing. Fun to flirt with – we know what’s up. Fun to make shit up around too – he plays along!\
• Sumitra – Uber tall and uber skinny. Not sick skinny, just like tall skinny. Knows how to dress.
• Yvonne – Aberdare Hallmate. Used to live next door but moved to catered. Smart as a button and Library resident. Crazy neat small print hand writing.
• Shih Yin – Controversial new mover to Cardiff. Quiet and reserved but definitely a sweet girl. Seems shy and really needs to be more proactive.
• Jeremy – Social Secretary together with TK (below). Fellow Law sports person, tho he actually makes the team. Great social drinker and fun drunk dancer. Likes his emo music and emo movies (and sucker for anything Wes Anderson touches). Poker buddy in real life and msn. Looks good in a suit.
• Teck Kang – Social Sec along with above. Mr. All-Rounder and MSSCF enthusiast. A whiz with movie editing and graphics design. Architecture student, I think. Lives in same house as Alice.
• Alice – Sweet sweet girl. Would fit in in a 50s movie. Always smiling no matter what.
• Ili Liyana – FOD Producer, Director and Scriptwriter. Super hard worker and is so kind it’s cruel. Respected, saluted and seen for the wonder she is. Quote Lion King.
• Julie – Party hardy. See Above for FOD Description. Is fierce – in the Tyra Banks way.
• Nina – More fun than a barrel of monkeys. Grinds with the girlies. Only at parties. Always up for a drink.
• Nash – Would do anything for Julie. Ditto Party description. Sweet yet high pitched voice.
• Aziah – Totally gorgeous. Has “shaggable hair.” Knows how to dress up and make it look easy.
• Shaq – Lives in a very smokey house filled with various smokes. Malaysian music fan and guitar player. Makes awesome curry.
• Salad – Good boy. Med student. Asked me advice about something. Bonded a bit. Cheeky bugger tho.
• Mo (Farah) – Cute little clubbin gal. First yr Accounts and Finance. Really knows how to party smart.
• Tash (Farah) – Has absolutely gorgeous hair. Besties with Mo. Wears fake nails.
• Kamal – Lives in Shaq’s house. Is quite tall I think.
• Sin Yew – From 1st year in HELP. Used to be good friends, and then drifted apart, then good friends again. Likes to annoy/gross out/piss people off just to see what their reaction is.
• Kirsty – Didn’t really like her at first, but finding her alright nowadays. Still ok in small doses. Will up dosage gradually. Has Boy in Malaysia. Sickeningly mushy.
• Hui Lynn – Kirsty’s bestie. Denies lesbian relationship adamantly. Has Boy in London (at time of writing).
• Rowena – Also has Boy in Malaysia but not close. Free spirit and wild child. Born in wrong decade tho I reckon would suffer without modern make-up.
• Charlaine – Gorgeous mixed girlie. Has long term boyfriend – used to be jealous of but is ok with. Calls most people “sweetie” or “hun” but actually means it so it’s ok.
• Jane – Friend by proxy and Aberdare Hallmate. Knows her way around Cardiff.
• Yun Sin – Large in person and larger than life. Great fun when drunk. So bubbly and wears glasses.
• Ivan – Soon-to-be-Ex President of MSSCF (elections are soon). A bit long-winded but well intentioned.
• Rohini – Member of the 4am group! We click from 3-5am. Don’t ask. Likes to dance, but really should drink more.
• Chong – Fun Chinese guy who invented 4C. Cardiff will never be the same again.

I did consider using a numbered list instead of labels but it occurred to me while typing that it would be too much like prioritizing my friends, and that's just something I don't think anyone should do.

2. Recent Occurrings

Festival of Diversity V
Was totally awesome! Should link it. (Will do later.) I played the Laksamana – which is the Admiral guy in the Malaya Royal hierarchy thing. Was supposed to be the Bendahara (Main villain and antagonist) but there were personal issues so I had to be swapped. And it didn’t really wanna sing that song.

Love my newfound FOD family! Great bunch of people! I always tell people (and I bet they are sick of hearing this) that I would never have hung out with all the great people that I did if not for FOD.


Post-FOD Partying
Went to Iota – club/bar in Cardiff. Good company, bad music. What the hell I’ll dance to anything. Actually got bought a drink. Didn’t even try. Wore Orange and Black Dress from Urban & Co. Must remember to buy from them again.
Decided on the wobbly walk home, to get properly drunk at least once more and have drunken stories to relate. Wobbly only because of painful, yet gorgeous shoes. I have the blisters to prove it. So thankful Saiful was sober and a guy and willing to put up with my painful feet.


MSSCF Netballin’
Had practice on Sunday. So fun! I actually woke up and actually went relatively early! If not for the slackers at 11 Colum Road, I would be there on time. But I digress. Practiced with the Bruneians and had a truly fun time. Practice is so much more worthwhile when people actually show up!

Also made my day:
Bruneian very good netballer / coach (I think), who used to play for her country (so I hear) told me, “You have very good footwork. Very good. Well done.”

Sweet! Very stoked and ego-inflated. But I think I owe it to myself to put it down to years of hard work on technique.


Friday Night/Saturday
Loooong Friday night. Went to Shaq’s house (ref above). Kirsty, Saiful, Chong and Sin Yew and I went to play poker.
We played:

• Chor Tai Ti (4 and 2 player versions – I owe Chong a lollipop now)
• Poker
• Xbox (Boy territory)

Ended up playing like a little bit of poker, lots of Xbox and eating the infamous 4C from Chicago.

4C: Chicken, Chips, Curry and Cheese (In no particular order). Tres delish!

Left aforementioned Shaq’s house at 7am. Went to sleep in my very own comfy 2ft-across bed at 8am. Slept till 6.30pm, Saturday. Groggy till 7.30pm. Awake at 8pm. Up till 1am, Sunday. Slept at 1.30am.

Short and sweet summary. Truly fun weekend.

* * *

I’ve made it a point to write in here all the things I have trouble saying out loud. Be it for embarrassing reasons or personal or emotional turmoil, cyber space feels anonymous and therefore private. There are so many other things out there that are so much more interesting that noone could possibly find your blog and if they did, then they probably wouldn’t even know you.

Unless you gave them your blog address in trade. Dammit I shouldn’t have done it.

"Dear Readers (you know who you are),

I have this one rule, and one rule only. You are never, ever to reference any material in this blog in real life EVER. Comments are allowed, welcomed and encouraged, but the leaking of this blog would spell the defragmentation of my mental stability and you wouldn’t want that on your hands, would you?

Yours Sincerely,

Sara."

* * *

Boy Issues have once again cropped up in the new-posting on this blog. Tis not the content but the process that I find hard to do. Censor is something I do not like.

Chern knows. And thinks it’s just how I am. It probably is. And I now know what I feel but it can never be. No matter how much I hope. It’s stupid and it wouldn’t work. I won’t let myself lower standards again. It was fine that one time but from alternate reality to leak into real reality left me really confused. I think that’s just what I needed to sort out. I wanted to be flattered but who am I kidding. It’s probably just the desperation talking. Or just the lack of partying (and aftermath) that I miss.

Man I really need to get drunk and do something stupid.
(End: 4.22am)

P.S. Now that I've been reminded, yes I miss make-outs. The most fun part of PDAs I think. Gross out your friends while showing affection - can't miss! And the closest thing to pre-non-unsex I can think of.
(End: 4.25am)

Desperation post

Jem.

This blog remains SECRET!

Means no linky linky ok?

New Ending

Short post:

The Boy is gone.
(Yeah like the Jason Mraz song - look it up people!)

Reason: I didn't feel like he cared about (read: was missing me) as much as I did him. So I don't like doing the whole one way street thing so I called it quits. Felt bad. For a while.

Still get nauseously ill about it sometimes. BUT Dealing well.

Miss the makeouts and the other nice bits. Must remind oneself not to daydream about that too often.

Feel bad about doing the dumping, but I feel like I had no choice. Is it bad of me to say that I foresaw it? Not that I wanted to, but there was no future with this one really. He wasn't the settling type anyway. Too many ifs, ands or buts. Whereas I'm more of a WHY NOT kinda gal.

***

Writing this n Barcelona! Backpackers BCN, Barcelona - nice hostel if you are ever in this part of the world. Mildly pissed off because someone stole my shower, WHILE MY CLOTHES WERE HANGING IN IT. damn biatch. The clothes were fine but I just stepped out to grab my towel and all of a sudden I'm sans one shower and a set of PJs. couldn't even go to another cubicle if i wanted to.

HMPH.