Strange one for me.

10.31pm
It’s amazing how insecure I feel right now. I’m shocked by it myself. It’s not like a physical ache or something where you thump in and its temporarily relieved; kinda like an “Eugh” inside.
And as you know, it will probably be boy related.

I’m not longing for this one. Seriously. I am so not there yet. I dunno what it is. I had the word in my head a while ago – lost it.

Ok, lets see.

I don’t like him that much. I think he’s entertaining.

Oh I think I know what this is. I hate waiting for the phone to beep. Anxiety. That’s the word.

I think for me there are different levels of anxiety in terms of boy-related issues.

Low: waiting for the phone to beep
Medium: waiting for the phone to ring because he said he would call.
Higher than Medium: Waiting for the phone to ring for no reason
High: Uber-paranoia.

And for some retarded reason, I always manage to talk myself out of high anxiety situations. It’s harder than in Medium-anxiety situations. I guess the freaking out is so extreme even I can realised the ridiculousness of it.

There is a quick remedy to handling such phone-related anxiety, I have discovered. I just turn off my phone. Even if – oh, I don’t know – there is absolutely no reason for it, and it’s not like I get calls often, it’s just so calming and all of a sudden, the stress and anxiety is gone. I’ve taken back control. Maybe I’m a closet control freak.

That would make some sense I guess.

Now how does one NOT be a control freak…? Environmental factors have to be changed I guess.

* * *

Sigh. That’s the damn thing I hate about SMSes - the lag time. I always reply messages as soon as I can – unless I forget, then it can’t be helped. But lately I’ve been deliberately delaying sending messages. I wanted people to wait for them, just like they made me wait. Writing that down makes it sound so childish and not at all cool. More revelations to come I suppose.

Well, I’ve gotten past the whole anxiety thing. I don’t know what my time limit is on anxiety. Depends on what I’m doing other than waiting and how urgent I think it is. I should test it out one day when I’m thinking clearer.

* * *

Oh and if I have not yet mentioned:

I have a date for Valentine’s Day! Haha first time like… EVER. Hope I don’t scare him away tho. That would be crushing. Crushing, but not fatal.

And I’m more or less indifferent to Valentine’s Day this year. Like two years ago I was very anti-V day. Last year and this year I just don’t care. Even this year, where I am doing something “special”, there doesn’t seem to be a major change of perception. I don’t hate it, but I won’t say “yay! Flowers!” either. Tho flowers are nice.

Heh. Actually discussing a date is weird. I wonder if he’s actually serious. Oo those little butterflies are back (metaphor).

I don’t know what the dynamic here is. It’s strange because I don’t know whether I came on to him or the other way round. Here comes the control freak again. I’d at least like to know. But one can’t ask straight out loud, you see. Have to play by the rules of the game. The Dating Game.

And I promised my self that I wouldn’t play games. Ok, so you can’t completely not play. But I guess I have to try and minimise game-playing. I’ve gotten good advice from several corners (of the world) so we shall see. We’re always seeing. What happens when you don’t see it?

* * *

Is there anyway of acting (not completely, but somewhat) nonchalant and still getting a guy to fawn all over you? Because that would be bliss. With the exception of stalkers and the like.