That stinking feeling

This is bad. This is very bad.

Self-induced badness sucks.

There is nothing wrong that he is aware of. There is nothing outwardly wrong. It’s all me. I take full blame for this.

So what is the problem, you ask?

The problem is I feel nothing. Or close to nothing. Or something that is not really what it should be.

Kinda like: I know I should like him. I do sorta. We are not stable yet obviously. But I think by now I should feel like there is some potential to feel that.

I was thinking, if I don’t feel stable enough by post-exam, then I can't take this to the UK, even if he wants to. I just wouldn’t feel secure enough.

I feel sick to my stomach now.

I have to and will talk to him about this and how it can be fixed. A simple discussion is enough to resolve this – I’m pretty certain. But then again, it might all go horribly wrong. The last time I tried resolving this with a Boy it went all kinds of crazy and I was the one who suffered.

I want this thing to last; because I know we can last this but the issue has to be pushed. We don’t have enough time around each other and with September looming, all this emotional baggage has to be dumped out. Um, slowly tho.

There is, I think, one main thing that he does that I don’t think he knows how bad it hits me. He likes to “disturb me” in the sense that he’ll say something – and I know very well he is joking – just to see what I’ll say and how I’ll react and all and it’s all a big laugh when he’ll switch back and contradict himself later on. Mainly what he bugs me on is that he’ll say something about going out with another girl and blahblahblah. Don’t panic, he’s kidding. I know he is kidding. Trust me. And I would say something and something. And it’s like usual.

However, there is a niggling issue – that sort of, rots inside. I can’t stand the thought of being cheated on. Mainly thanks to past experience (if you can count that as cheating – I kinda do) it’s like a constant worry, because I don’t think I could take it if that happened to me again. I’ve told him the ultimatum and he knows I’m serious but he doesn’t know how hurt I would be. Think, 100% first degree burns – on the inside. Radiation poisoning and so on and so forth. The thought of it makes me sick.

I’ll talk to him after Wednesday. I may feel awful now but he’s got finals and this can wait. And if things do go all down the drain, it wouldn’t be my exams that suffer – cos it was my fault, right? So if I initiated things, it wouldn't be as distracting to me. I can try and compartmentalise for now.

And in conjunction with that, there are other past things that I have to suck up and deal with too. Like: I’m tempted to have a serious, emotional conversation – sounds boring to me, but I think it has to be done, or something – but the last time I tried that (over msn, mind you) I got dumped. Well, we were never together, but it was bad news. So, fear must be overcome.

There is that whole thing that all guys are the same. And I’m resting on that.

Is it too much to ask him to show me how much he likes me? Not even show; how about just telling? Cos right now I don’t know if I’m a 3 or an 8 on his list and I can tell you, it’s a pretty long list. 10 being tops btw. And the whole problem is, if I ask him, and he says tops, can I trust the answer? Even if I do trust the answer, I may think back o it and doubt it. It has to come from the heart – which means no prompts from me. Sigh. Stupid. I should just ask, huh?
Edit: I was just thinking, if i have to ask"Is it too much to ask...", it usually is, isn't it? (rhetorical question btw)

I reiterate what I have said before (I think, or said to Lea, I can’t remember): I am relationship retarded. There should be a font bigger than "Largest".

* * *

Oh and I have thought of another reason why he doesn’t want his parents to know (I thought this up a while back, but I kept forgetting):
In case I call the house and they pick up and they let slip that I’m one of many or something like that.

Rather possible if I were completely cynical and totally untrusting. I’m getting there tho! All you relationship cynics must be so proud.

* * *

How do you deal with separation? I mean, I’m worrying my ass off because I haven’t seen him (properly) for… well since Wednesday, so you do the math (4 days). I know what he’s up to and I’m not worried about him stepping out on me, but there’s that whole “missing him” thing. I do, I know I do, I know he does, and yet… can’t he at least say it? Or better yet, I should just keep thinking “he misses me!” and all will be fine and dandy.

Ladies, if you have any clueless men in your lives, make them read this blog, I will take them so far into the female psyche, they may never look at a woman as sane again. I mean, I’m perfectly functional in the normal sense – but when in relationships, all hell breaks loose up there. It sucks ass.

I just want to see him and talk to him. I don’t know guys. I know guys as friends and they are easy to understand. And you don’t really care so much what they think. I can’t treat this one like that because we aren’t just friends and we never were. And if we do spilt (I can’t help but keep self preservation switch on) we won’t be. I’m friends with my so-called exes, but not by choice. It’s hard. Totally hard, because when you think of them in that way, it’s difficult to go back to being friends, and it’ll be harder if you never were that before. The line that you cross from being friends to more is quite a step, but at least there is a line. What if you started out on the other side, how do you step out?

Anyway, I’m really not in the mood to think about breaking up. Tho in a sense, sometimes I just want to tell him, can we just be FWB (Friends With Benefits)? Tho I would make a shitty FWB – I’m such a noob. Just, sort of like what we are now, minus the emotion.

Emotions suck. It’s like being stuck in a tumble dryer and then expected to function normally.

So to sum it up, we will talk. But after Wednesday.

* * *

I think all this is, is I want him to know about where I'm coming from. Then at least if he knows, and knows what I'm feeling - he doesn't have to do anything - then I'll feel better.