I wanna get off the mood swing - it's making me dizzy

I’m getting all moody again. But at least this time I caught it in time.

We are progressing alright – I’m getting used to it. It’s still all very new and there’s like so much to learn. You think it’s easy and you see other people doing ok – but it’s really not! It’s hard! It’s complicated!

Anyway, enough about that.

I was all moody after cos I was scared he would be sad and all. I mean, I know that I couldn’t make it but put it down to timing.

So he was going to the gym after and I asked him to tell me when he was done – and this time I knew why I was worried so there would be no issue. He called up (after I found out my phone had been misfiring or something) and I asked if everything was ok and stuff and he was all reassuring and all. He even confided in issues with me! Score!

I sometimes think that it’s too uncanny that he knows what to say at exactly the right time. He knows females too well… he’s told me he’s learned from all his ex-gf’s and all. But I never thought he’d be this fluent in female. It’s comforting, yet slightly worrying, know what I mean? Kinda like I like that "he knows how I feel” yet I feel that he is just saying it to keep me sane.

So with that, I think I may be over the whole trust issue. That is, I don’t really trust him as much as I trusted the others. Probably because I don’t know him as well as I knew the other guys. I mean, in my terms, we’re going forward pretty quickly. And it’s rather uncomfortable (ok, maybe not uncomfortable – strange, different?) that he never started out as a mutual friend. It was straight from valentines to dating to actually going out. Nothing before. We have no history. And I have no idea what he’s like cept from what he’s told me and what his friends have said.

So ok, it doesn’t help that I think I’m on my period now and thinking this but I’ve acknowledged the moodiness and now I can deal with it properly, i.e. by blogging it out. The cramps have been replaced by a dull aching. Like a really full stomach – I think I’m bloating.

Oh, and this is perfect timing (at least this is) because I won’t be seeing him till next Wednesday or Thursday because he’s got Finals on Saturday and next Wednesday so he’s holing himself away from me for over a week. Which is also perfect for me because I have classes on both Thursdays (yeap, they are back – Thanks a bunch Vijaya) and a viva next Friday at 10am.

What he said: “What time’s your class on Thursday end?”
It’s become common place for me but I should think of the effort he’s putting up.

I forgot to ask if his classes end after his finals…

* * *

With remembrance to the post where I briefly mentioned that he doesn’t want his uni friends and parents to know that we are dating. Here is the rundown:

Friends in uni – not all of them don’t know. His close one’s know. The rest of them he doesn’t want them to know because he doesn’t want to make a fuss over it and he’s pretty sure they will tease him if they find out. Just because of who he is. I hope it’s got nothing to do with me.

Parents – they don’t want their precious boy to have a other half because they are worried (his words) “that if he has a fight with her, he will do badly in his exams.” Maybe I should egg him to tell them after finals. I wonder what excuse he’ll come up with then.

Anyway, I was also (in my head) wondering what other reasons there could be for keeping mum on us (so to speak):
1. He’s embarrassed / ashamed of me
2. He’s worried people will tell me nasty things about him – true and false stories
3. He doesn’t want so many people to know so after he dumps me he doesn’t have to deal with / tell so many people.

1. Not so much an issue because he’s very handsy (read: grabby) when we go out to like malls and all.
2. Is partially true. I so do want to hear those stories. But how bad can they be? I mean, my head’s already whirring with imagined stories.
3. it’s something I think of time to time. And it’s what think is most likely if the reasons he told me aren’t true. If so, sucks for me. And I think the upside to that is that at least I’m prepared for it. And I can tell myself I told you so in the future. You go, future-me!

So yes, I now have trust issues. Please fix me.

I don’t want to make this an issue for him to deal with until it becomes a big issue. It’s fixable, I just don’t want to freak him out with a gag order – “you cannot and must not joke around about leaving me and/or running off with someone else. It’s so not funny ok.” I would sound way too anal. If I expect him to take a joke, I should be able to take some too. Get a grip girl.

I want to trust him, but thanks to paranoia and mood swings (those I can handle) and a hyperactive imagination, I’m left sprawling in the dust. And I know, until I can get a hold of this stupid paranoia and rein it in – manic blogging like this are part of the control mechanism – I’ll never be able to fully trust him. I’ll be an insecure wreck (inside at least). And the crappy thing is that he knows how to push all my buttons to make me scared and insecure and worried. I have yet to find his. I know of one way to irritate the hell out of him, but I wouldn’t go so far as to make him really worried about it. And if I don’t do it to him, why does he do it to me? I should be strong enough to brush off his dumb jokes, but it’s annoying that I have to constantly keep saying “no, you are mine. No, you cannot do that.” But surprisingly, when I get fed up with playing, and just say “go for it” he gets slightly upset and is like “how can you say that, you’re my girlfriend?!” like I’m actually being serious. If he’s the one testing me, is he the one who’s actually insecure? It sometimes feels like it, tho I know he would never admit to it. Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking…