Not a happy camper.

1. Krakatoa
2. Things to do
3. High falls, large splatter
4. Tear ducts

* * *

1. Well he knows. Mum told him some time between yesterday night and this afternoon.

Bottomline is: my results are nowhere near good enough to send me to the UK.
So my best efforts are not worth 2 years in Cardiff University. Fine. I’ll take that.
So what am I worth? Am I worth the price of a car? The price of a house? More likely the price of a stamp. (See 3.)

2. Things to do Monday morning:

Call STA Travel and see if I can get my deposit back.
Go to or call HELP Law Department to:
1) Enroll into Year 2
2) Ask how much my first year contributes to my final degree grading (Hons, 1st Class, Second Upper etc)
3) Tell them to reject any offer of acceptance to Cardiff or Sheffield.

3. I was sitting in my room in the dark being angry at myself for crying so much over the last… 31 hours and I was thinking how worthless I really am. It’s quite shocking to realize that you’re no good at anything. And that anything that you value you shouldn’t have. Like good friends. Never worked hard for them – shouldn’t have any. The Boy – didn’t even really try, he shouldn’t be around. Having shitty grades showed me that.

Dangerously thinking how my parents would suffer less (more pain, less time. Relative to now) if I just took a swan dive out of my window. No, I’m not so stupid to actually do it. But the thought came up a few times and I scolded myself for it.

Have you ever questioned your own self worth? How do you account for your own worth? Of course you can’t just rely on one factor but what would it include? What would be the ratio of importance? Expectations? Grades? Personal achievements? How other people feel about you? How many friends you have?
Well at the moment, I guess you could say I don’t really feel worth anything. I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve to go out. I don’t deserve to have fun. I don’t deserve to have a life. It’s the dutiful daughter from now on. God, I hate that label. My parents don’t deserve to have such a crappy ass child like me. Not after all the hard work they put in to get this far.

But what more can I do?

I’ve had very little to eat today for one thing. 3 siew mais and a char siew pau. Dim sum stuff.

Supposed to have dinner with Lea and Ikhwan and Shaun and some people but I said I wouldn’t be going. Foresight, alright?

4. I think my face hurts after all the crying, not so much because of dehydration, but cos the eyes are swollen. Not as swollen as yesterday, but still. Swollenness, I think, because it takes quite some effort to push out all that water thru such tiny channels and out a really small hole. I can feel the upper half of my face just kinda go numb.

* * *

I’m alright I think. Anybody want to talk abt non-Grades related stuff? I’ll be more than happy to listen.

* * *

And parents said that I have to get rid of all my distractions, save netball, because that’s exercise. All done cos I’ve dropped out of everything. Only question is, is The Boy a distraction? I don’t want him to be, but I think he might.