Singular outpouring of Grief.

I started out with a list of things I wanted to write, just, you know, so I wouldn’t forget. This is pre-Friday.

Now that Friday’s come and effectively gone, I have other things on my mind.

Exam results are below. The breakdown is as follows:
Legal Method and System: C
Contract Law: D
Constitutional and Administrative Law: C
Criminal Law: B
Legal Skills: B

FYI, D is 40-49%, C is 50-59% and so on and so forth. Needless to say, the D pulled me way down and now it all up to the graciousness of the Cardiff University International Department. Will they want a screw-up like me on campus? My friend said that last year the University accepted students who, like me, got one D grade; so all hope is not lost. If the University reject me grades and don’t offer me a place then HELP will help me appeal.

It’s about 10.30pm Friday night writing this and after a day of crying, sleeping and watching telly, I’ve thought some things thru.

So now you know my situation, I have a few things on my mind.

1. I’m a complete wreck. Not now, now that I’ve pulled myself together somewhat (into blogging shape, ain’t bad), but it really hit me hard. I mean. I expected to pass. And I passed. But barely. I mean, what does that say about me as a person? I put almost 100% into preparing for that exam and all I could muster was a pass? And barely at that. [40% is a pass btw]. It’s given my whole self-esteem and self-confidence a huge blow. I didn’t expect As – I was dreaming about it tho – but a D is way below anything I could have possibly hoped for. Consolation: my friend who did all the past year papers and essays only got a B for that paper so I’m not the only one disappointed, he expected an A. And not to say that my results are satisfactory (far from it) but my friend who admittedly studied for the exam papers till 4am in the morning also got a D. don’t know what subject tho.

I don’t blame anyone but myself. I really don’t. I should have tried harder. I don’t know how, but I should have. Done past year papers. Read up more. I did all that I thought I could and should do. I should have done better.

2. How am I going to tell my dad? That’s the thing that freaking me out the most. My mum already knows. But my dad. He’s going to do a Mount Vesuvius. I want mum to tell him. Then he can cool off somewhere where I’m not. I can live with being disappointed in myself. That’s hard enough. But with both parents aiming the blame gun on me (rightly so but still, it’s hurts), I don’t think I could face it at the moment. Circumventing that, I’m locking myself in my room till she tells him. Good thing tmr is Saturday and they both have to go to the office. At least I can sneak out to get something to eat.

Speaking of which I only had toast and milo for breakfast, a jam sandwich and lots of water today. Not really hungry seeing as Aunt Flo decided so aptly to come this morning. And with a truckload of HURT too. So you’ll have to excuse me if I’m feeling moody and grumpy.

3. I wonder how long I can not tell him?

4. I was thinking that if I go, I’ll have to end it with the Boy. I really don’t trust him enough to leave him here while I’m over there. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate. If I end up not going – which is entirely possible now – then things remain to be seen.

He suggested that he would come over today. I was sounding pretty messed up over the phone so maybe he got the hint. I wouldn’t have minded some positive support. However, as usual, he was busy. Another disappointment. Granted, it took my mind off the other ginormously huge disappointment that happened that day, so now I’m thinking that being irritated at him was some sort of projection-hormonal effect. Pity that people get caught in the crossfire of things.

Well he called me up this afternoon about something and we were talking abt my thing and I came off rather hopeless. Dunno whether that irritated him or not. Another thing I was wondering abt.

5. I don’t want to make a big fuss over it. I’m not writing all my tiny petty things so people will feel sorry for me and bake me cookies or send me flowers. I’m sad and depressed and lonely, not dying. Save the pity for someone who wants it. I was in the pity mood a while back. Past that. I guess I just want to be left alone now. I have too many things to think about.

6. The crappy thing about mood swings are the swings themselves. Being moody is fine. Swinging is annoying cos u feel like an idiot and a hypocrite all the time. Fine. I do want some pity. And I do want some attention. Just don’t make me feel like I’m a lost cause. I need… positive encouragement. Not “oh, sorry for your bad grades. I’m sure you’ll do better next time.” Gimme something to work with.

7. Some more Boy issues. How much should I expect him to do? Or try to do? Deep down I want him to try. And that’s not happening. I’m trying. I think. I don’t know what he expects me to do but I’m doing the best I can. I still keep wondering how compatible we are.

8. I can lay out my schedule for the day so you can see how I fared. Would you have done the same?
9am Wake up
10am To the office and breakfast.
12.15pm Check results.
1.30pm Lunch down stairs. I have cramps so I only have hot tea.
2.30pm Go home. Thanks mum.
3pm Cry
4.30pm Sleep
6pm Cry myself to sleep.
7pm Watch TV
10pm Try to sleep again.
10.30pm Call Boy. Still don’t feel any better.
11pm Writing this line. [wow, and that’s exact]

I don’t cry very often. The last time I cried… was period pains and those were just a few tears rolling down and some muffled sobs. The last time I wept was when my rabbit died. Years ago.

9. I am in such emotional and physical pain. I’ve cried my eyes out. Its hurts to blink now, my eyes are so swollen. My nose is clogged. My uterus is being stabbed.

Period cramps are like gastric pains. Same problem, different organ. My theory is that because the blood is coming out, and the uterus is squeezing but remaining swollen and the same size, and that air is going in – and the pain is the uterus squeezing on nothing. Just air. And those of you who’ve suffered gastric problems before, you know it hurts. Cept the uterus isn’t a muscle like the stomach is. It has muscle, but weaker ones so the pain isn’t as sharp.

And my head hurts from the dehydration I think. Yeah, it’s gotten that far.

I will still cry again if I think about whatever it is that happened today and the people it will affect and the problems that I now have to face. As stupid as it sounds, I want to go to sleep and wake up like it’s a nightmare.

Nothing is going right today. There is no silver lining on my cloud.

N.B. Crying is physically and emotionally draining. I now understand how people can cry themselves to sleep. Not that you cry and sob and then sleep. But more like you have a big cry and wail and sob and weep and after the hysterics have calmed down, you feel really tired. And you just don’t want to cry anymore. The crying represents all the pain and sleep is really the only thing that will stop you from remembering what you were crying over. Some ice cream would have helped too but we didn’t have any. I don’t recommend crying to anyone unless you’ve already started. Then you should really just cry it all out. I was sobbing in the car with a huge ball of tissues in my hand. Quite gross.

11.11pm. A good time to sign off. Good night.