Happy Crappy Day

Right so there is a sudden influx of horrible mixed emotions which I just can’t deal with.

I am HAPPY cos I passed all my modules and don’t have to go back to Cardiff to resit which means I get to spend until September with The Boy who is flying back after his Graduation.

I am fking BUMMED OUT cos The Boy got a Third Class which means that he can’t do Masters OR BVC and is going to do the CLP in KL which means that after I go to Cardiff I won’t see him for 2 years cos I won’t be flying back to KL until after the Bar.

I am STUBBORN cos I know if I ask any of my friends (and by any, I mean ALL) what to do they will be like: “I might not work in the long run/you haven’t had enough time together/etc etc” and the end result would be complete and utter relationship failure. So I refuse to tell them my situation and have to deal with the same advice being spouted from different people.

I am CONFUSED and TORN between wanting to make it work cos I like him so much and cutting my losses and forgoing a painful break-up in the future. Which sounds better to you? Ending it now on the presumption that I might get hurt (some may consider this a definite result anyway) or Keep sticking by it and seeing where it ends up – sad break-up scenario now avoided.

I am tempted to recall the few long distance relationships that a couple of my friends are in but they are only relevant to the point where it’s long distance. And how can expect him to juggle the time difference AND do his course well – it’s just not fair on him.

I suppose it’s pretty clear where I stand on this issue. If it were anyone else but me, I have a slight inkling of what I would say:

do what you feel is best for you. Be aware of what you’re risking but if you’re sure that it’s worth the risk, go for it.

I hate giving up. I’m no quitter. I’m an eternal optimist and I believe there is real potential in everyone – unless they demonstrate otherwise. LDRs can be done. They can. I have seen the proof. But yes, I know everyone is different and it’s not like relationships are without their difficulties but this just seems: 1) very difficult given the timing and distance (and freaking time difference) and 2) extremely déjà vu.

I feel like a sucker for punishment.

That being said, and after rambling on about justifying my reasons and being balanced about the whole thing, there is one selfish request I will allow myself to ask of him, but only once.

INTERNATIONAL GRADUATE SCHEME. It’s just one more year! And it’ll look freaking ace on your CV!

There. I’ve said my peace. And if you wanna know more about the IGS thing puhlease don’t hesitate to ask! Working at the Careers Service has its perks (Come on! I could SO hook you up!).

Edit: I don't blame The Boy for anything. It's just something we have to deal with.

Edit: I have talked to Lea and I feel a lot better. She says we can commiserate together!

Back in KL!

Yes my darlings! I'm back in the motherland!

It's only been a couple of days (Arrived on Saturday) but I feel like I've been here longer. I think its the amount of stuff that I've done since I've been back.

Making the most of the tropical heat (and humidity!)

* * *

Missin' The Boy. And thinking he's adorable. Man I miss him. Sigh.

Best Cardiff Day So Far

I lurrrrrrrrve Bute Park when the sun is out. Its gorgeous and picturesque and beautiful.

Barbecue with the funniest ladies around. Footie with The Boy (I suck but that's beside the point) and just lazing around in the sunshine on green grass with a clear blue sky overhead. I could not ask for more from today.

It was a short 3 hours spent in the park but well good fun.

I want HUGS

ARGH

I dunno why I've been so stressed lately.

Things to do:

• Pack (for storage)
  
• Pack (for going back)
• Spend time with the Boy
• Chill the fk out

Doesn't seem like a lot of things on the list but they are damn hard to tick off. I haven't packed anything yet cept winter clothes. There are so many things I have to get before i pack as well, like my rucksack from Saiful.

And I would greatly love to spend every second with the Boy just lazing around doing nothing. As long as I have nothing to do. Which is not till like next week.

I want to chill out as well, by myself or otherwise but I just haven't had the time to spend with myself. This chilling out time would preferably be spent whilst The Boy is actually busy doing something else - which means I have no option but to not be with him.

Good grief, do I sound clingy or what?

This is me being in typical girlfriend mode.
Enduring motto applies: if I don't say it, it's not true. But dammit, I'm going to say it.

I wanna hang around him like all the time. Doing whatever menial whatever. Sounds desperately clingy no? Well, fk you then. I mean it sucks that I sound like I've taken a step backwards from being independently super single and self-sufficient. This is different I reckon, I still do the stuff I wanna do, just with an extra pair of legs, hands, ears and lips. Other body parts are there too fyi.

I just enjoy the company. Like, really enjoy it.

Is it wrong that I wanna jump on him and smother him with smooches? Yeah, I'm that kinda gal.
And what with the impending time that I have to fly off looming, I just wanna hang on to him and not let him outta my sight. I think accumulatively, that gives me the right to feel a little clingy, no?

* * *

Also, I've figured out why I dislike the "girlfriend" label so much. It separates the personality from the person. Instead of being "Sara, a cool girl who is fun to hang around with" it becomes "The Girlfriend, sucker of souls and trying to steal our friend from us." Having a girlfriend changes people in a way, priorities change, but the people shouldn't, and neither should how you think of them.

I suffer from Girlfriend complex. The belief that one must act in a different way because they are in a relationship. Which is why I've tried to stay away from labels for this time being. Now it's kinda stuck and I've accepted it, I just have to fight the complex. The clingyness, the not wanting to let go - part in parcel of being insecure, thank you very much.

I have a remedy for this:

"I trust this one." Repeat.

* * *

You know, I wasn't expecting this, but I actually believe it. And I do feel a whole shitload better.

Modern News

First off, let me say

Exams are OVER!!!
Yay!
Ok, so my unexplained hiatus of a month or something has been explained fully right?

On to more recent stuff.

Right now, feeling a bit glum.

I can’t help but feel glum when people I know well are glum. And especially if there’s nothing I can do about it.

I like cheering people up! Not out of pride but I like seeing people happy. Very frustrating when there’s nothing you can do about it. ARGH. Sigh.

In other news, I’ve just been called nice. Now nice is not a word I would use to describe me. I can be very mean and horrible at times – after which I feel terrible about. But thank you very much for the compliment and I fully appreciate it and think it’s a great quality to have. I do try and understand people and not prejudge and listen if they wanna talk but make no mistake that I have no qualms in being rude if that’s what it takes to get the point across. After which I will feel terrible about.

Being nice has a certain walkover-pansy-sissy connotation which I don’t agree with.

I guess I am nice. But not all the time.

Accommodating was another adjective that cropped up. I like that one. Tho the people used in the examples I don’t really feel like I was accommodating them, just being patient.

Ok, ok. So it was the Boy that said all that but it made the hairs on the back of my neck prick up. Damn, it’s such an awesome thing to hear but damn, it does place some added pressure to live up to expectations.

Gotta be wary not to “try” and just “be”. In the immortal words of Yoda:

Do or do not. There is no try.

Hah. Easier said than done.
P.S. Lemme just say, this one maybe special.