End of the Rope

I swear to God, I'm at the end of my rope. There are so many things I have to do. List!

• Take a shower
• Dry my hair
• Sleep
• Pack party things
• Do some work for today

Tomorrow:

• Remember about party things tomorrow
• Go to 3 hours of lectures tomorrow
• Go to the SU and check the room booking
• Buy masking tape
• Buy a pumpkin
• Buy Sweets
  
• Take a shower
• Get Dressed
• Put on Make up
• Eat Lunch
• Decorate Party Room
• Make sure people have a good time
• Clean Up room
• Enjoy Halloween

And I have to hold all this in my HEAD.

I'm more stressed out than tired - don't be fooled by the tag. I'm sleepy, stinky, and uh. I dunno.

Few things I know for sure. I could really use a pick-me-up right now, and I can't wait till tomorrow ends. I really can't. Stress-free heaven lies on the dark side of 10pm tomorrow.

Till then - I shall tie a knot at the end and hang on.

Murphy’s law

“When anything can go wrong, it will.”

So far this week has felt like that.

Wanted to go out; it was raining.
Wanted to sell books; bookshop only takes them in on weekends.
Wanted to go to the gym; was carrying a bag of books.
Went to collect something; it wasn’t there.
Went to see someone; they weren’t in.

A summarily short list but it has roll-over consequences. It builds up one after the other. Especially if you haven’t caught a break in between them it feels as if things are ganging up on you.

* * *
On a slightly different tone, I was listening to Liz Phair’s Favourite and while grooving to the rock riff and the lyrical lyrics I realised what kind of songs I like – I like those that make analogies. Similes, metaphors, and all those words you learn in English lit. Lyrics are important of course and everyone is attracted to music that you can relate to. And if you know me (or read my posts) you will know that the weird way I express myself usually involves a lot of analogies like “chocolate covered train with a gooey marshmallow centre” or some nonsense like that. It works for me. I don’t know why.

I suppose I like to imagine things and when it comes to describing something I can’t describe, associating it to something I can visualise helps.

* * *
I only blog when I’m feeling- well, basically when I’m feeling down, or angry, or sad. Usually not when I’m happy. So those massive gaps in time between posts don’t mean that the previous post represents my feelings/thought/emotions until the next post; it means that nothing really twisted my gut till then.

So by the process of analysis, my gut is twisted as we speak.

I feel so F-ed up right now. There is one thing that’s niggling in the back of my mind which although is a small niggle, is a niggle nonetheless. Then there are the other things. The oppressive cloud of gloom and depressiveness that is looming over me. The things mention in the first bit of this post. The fact that I feel lonely – and that’s noone’s fault.

I feel I aught to qualify that last sentence. It’s nothing that anyone else can do about it. There are certain responsibilities and decisions that I have to take on my own shoulders. There are things that only I can do for whatever purpose. Its not that I don’t have friends or rather, that there aren’t friends around, but it’s more like being stuck on a branch that’s so high up that no one can get you down till the fire truck gets there. It’s rather a helpless situation.

There are so many things that I have to do – tomorrow, this week, this year. Its pretty much weighing down on my shoulders (no wonder my scapula have been stiff and sore since Sunday).

It’s only something time will heal. But until then, I feel like crap. I want to punch something.

What is Love?

Quite a subjective question? A question where personal experiences can’t truly be separated from the subject matter at hand. It was on of those lonely boring nights where I decided I would take the question up with the general public – my general public that is.

Here are the responses that I got when I asked some of my friends “What is Love?”

"as far as i'm concerned, love is an excuse by mankind to dignify the lust that they feel for another during one point or another, it's a chemical reaction in the brain that lasts about 90 days (honeymoon period) proven by many scientists who really have too much time on their hands and don't get laid that often...
love is also a varying degree of admiration and acceptance garnered by one towards another
though in mine eyes it is the work of the DEVIL AAAAAAARGH
hahahahaha"

"God is love"

"Love is... that feeling inside when you look at the one you [love] . Its the feeling like you wanna be there for them when you can and you ALWAYS wanna be around them even when you have no reason to be.
Love is wanting to learn more about that person
Wanting to grow with that person
Love has different levels. Not puppy [love] and all that but [love] to different ppl. You do not [love] your gf the same way you [love] your parents.
There is [love] for siblings and [love] for a [love]r and for me, [love] to God.
But the one I told you about just now is of course, [lover] for a [love]r
Well, in general, I dont need to tell you about [love] of parents or God. Love for God is something else also
But when you [love[ someone, you cant seem to get that someone outta your head. You will feel happy when you think about her thought (sic) for guys, they sometimes dont express it that much.
Yea I am under the [love][sick] situation right now."

"warm fuzzy feeling and makes you skip and smile the whole time"

"hm
being a girl on her period and allowing someone to eat the last piece of chocolate and not killing them for it
cos u know that u can
and u know that they will take it
and u know that even if u dont kill them they will probably buy u more chocolate in the future
and that even if thye dont buy u chocolate in the future u still wont kill them cos its probably due to their lack of realisation that u REALLY NEED chocolate on ur period
hm
yes
and that once they realise all that they will probably laugh and thnk ur rly funny (in a nice way)
and u STILL wont seriously kill them properly
(and the same goes reverse, with something equivalent to periods and chocolate in guys - eg crashing their car)
oh oh and even if u kill them really badly they wont run away
cos its lik
not part of the imagination
intense yars"

"hmm
love is not just about loving someone wholeheartedly
it is more than that
love is based on acceptance, giving and understanding
and not forgetting tolerating
each other
and because of love, u want the other party to be happy regardless of how hurt or sad u are"

"it's something that can't be described in words
well..
i cant put it into words at least"

"Love is a feeling where u like someone and to da extent where it cant be defined..
lol"

"o.O
since there is no response...i would say...
Love is everything"

I won’t put what I think, mainly cos this post really isn’t about me. I did initiate this post as a search for an answer but ultimately there isn’t one. You make it all up as you go along.
I gotta say, I wholeheartedly agree with my best friend (her quote's up there) - if ya'll know me at all, you'll know which one I'm talking about.

Squeaky

This pic is too special to just post on Facebook yet.
Hmm, not to hold with tradition but no Boy's face has been put on this blog. EVER. So consider this an exception to that. Sort of.
Edit: By "Sort of." I mean that none of my Boy's faces have ever been displayed on my blog. And even tho this picture does not show his face, it's the closest I've ever come to putting it right up there on the front page. Rest assured your anonymity is still intact.
Edit-edit: Not so anonymous. Anyone who is mildly PC-literate could probably figure out who you are. But I don't think you mind, right?

Going to Dublin on Friday! It's going to be a hell of a trip. 12.5 hours to get there. 26 hours in Dublin. 11.5 hours back. Thankfully I have The Boy as company. I was going to go even if he wasn't with me but it's scary travelling at 11pm at night.

Not much has happened in terms of classes and all. I suppose I should break it down.

First Impressions of Final Year Classes:
Medicine, Ethics and Law: A highly debatable subject. One where I will be cramming the words of my lecturer and tutors down the throats of my soon-to-be doctor friends. Mwahahaha.
Evidence: Criminal Law under a microscope. Should answer a lot of questions I have about criminal and civil procedure as well as standards of proof.
Trusts: Oh lordy, if it were not for the Lecturer I'd be bored outta my mind. Entertaining and adorable fella.
Jurisprudence: If it's anything like the first few weeks, it'll be full of delays, confusion and mass hysteria. And classes haven't even started yet.
(colour coded to match the highlights in my timetable ;)

Everyone is doing well here. Last year's seniors for the most part are still here and therefore robbing me of my senior status! Bah. Ah well, BVC take them away!
The Juniors are a sweet and cool lot. Should be a wild year - of which I shall be watching intently from the sidelines. Apart from Netball and maybe FOD.

* * *

A quick aside about the picture above: I still get a funny gurgling feeling in my stomach everytime I see it. And I feel like squeaking. I think I may have hamster-itis or something. Weird.

Wretched

I feel Awful. Gut-wrenchingly, heart-rippingly AWFUL. With a capital A if you haven't noticed.

I woke up at 10.14am today. Which is UNHEARD of. Demonstrating the extent of my wretchedness.

Verbal diarrhoea to Lea for about an hour till we had exhausted all possible topics of conversation.

Still feel wretched.

Wretched. Wretched. Wretched.

How does feeling wretched feel like? Like there's an anchor attached to some inner organ located in the chest area and it's been dropped of a bridge. Like I'm being sat on by a really lazy elephant. Like there's a significant increase in atmospheric pressure which makes it almost impossible to breathe. Like I'm bring slowly squeezed to death by a very hungry python.

I think the last one is the most accurate. There's definitely a tight, restrictive binding around my lungs. And I think I'm forgetting when to exhale...

Yeah I suppose this is all sounding way too exaggerated to be real. Sure, Misery loves company. But I hate being miserable. I love being happy. So Why should I make this up. I'd rather I not feel this awful and feel joyful and um. Good. I suppose is the operative word.

Calling this a cry for forgiveness would be such a wimpy way to go but seeing as my attempt to stop feeling so wretched was met with voicemail, I gotta let loose somewhere else. That notwithstanding I'm not gonna give up. But I was all prepared to to grovel a bit and that energy has got to go somewhere.

Wanderlust

I typed this out a while ago. Should tide you over till I get the Penang post ready.

* * *

I’ve never described myself as an avid adventurer. I’m no nature girl, I openly admit that. But I do have an insatiable curiosity about things. There’s never enough that I can learn about something I’m interested in. There’s always got to be something more.

Case in point: Kuala Lumpur.

This sprawling city of old and new, of 3 million odd people, of a multitude of cultures. And if you think about it, no one really knows anyone. I mean, sure there are friends of friends and the whole social networking scene but there’s no actual interpersonal interaction. No one says “good day” while passing on the street. No one thinks twice to look at the person passing them by in the mall. Everyone’s so involved in their own little world that you forget that you’re living in a city (a capital one no less) and your whole universe shrinks to those few people that you decided to pass the time with. And not like that is a terribly bad thing – but it does limit one’s horizon’s somewhat.

I suppose the car culture is partially to blame. As I have come to personally find obtrusive, you simply cannot function in Kuala Lumpur without a car. Public transport is less than hopeless and taxi’s are ripping people off left, right and centre. I think I read somewhere that there are more cars in this city than actual people – which, from a rational standpoint, is stupid. We have road tax. Why pay to keep a car on the road and not driving it half the time? But I can understand the beauty and fascination with cars. I love cars. I love the feel of a good solid car racing down an empty highway to somewhere. Drifting scares me somewhat tho.

But I’m getting off point. Cars and people. Cars are essential metal boxes which allow people to get from point A to B really really quick. And not taking away from the shape and form that they have evolved into but that was their base purpose – basic human transportation. But when you’re sitting in a metal box on wheels you get extremely isolated from everything else. Sure, no one wants to sit in traffic and inhale exhaust fumes but the sense of integration with society melts away. Cars nowadays are soundproof (tire rumble), air-sealed (recycled air-conditioned air) and relatively waterproof. At this point I have to point out the difference between Japanese cars and Continental cars in the sense that the Europeans have regulated that air filters in cars must allow a small percentage of outside air when pumping in cool air-conditioning. Nothing speeds up the conscience of the public than having their own smelly pollution sprayed right back into their face. But granted, the weather over there is different than over here. But even IF, we had cooler temperatures, I doubt the government would be conscientious enough to consider regulating something like that.

I suppose what I’m getting at is the sense of community, or rather, the lack thereof. How can we as a nation expect to strive forward together if we don’t care for the bigger picture? Personally I don’t feel as if the elected government care for the people much so why should I care for the country? I don’t feel obliged to work for a better, more efficient nation when the aforementioned country hasn’t noticeably progressed in the sense of civil liberties or human rights.

Thanks xckd

Indeed. Sigh.

Summer Things

Summer shopping list:

*To fill the empty shell in which my soul once resided... No actually, just cos there's a sale on and I oughta stock up on necessities.

• Yellow t-shirt Bra
  Tho you can never have enough good bras
• Asics netball shoes
  Not necessarily netball shoes, but shoes for netball - BUT Netball shoes would be tres awesome.
• Bikini Bottoms from Bods.Bodynits
  This brand really needs to have more outlets.
• Slip-on Heels of my own
  Cos the ones I have now are a bit troublesome (but pretty)
• Neutrogena Mild Facial Cleanser and Face Lotion
  Both good and light. Not too alkaline.
• Sunglasses
  Oakleys like my last pair or at least a pair made for sports. Rubber side grips are a must. I wants to runs around!

Summer To-Do List:

• Watch mucho movies
• Drink lots and lots - of water (haha GOTCHA)
• People to see - Sha, Ezzy, Grace, Ven, Nads, Elisa, Jem, Azzy, Ili, Dennis, Felix, Daniel, Chia Yin
• People to see again - Lea, Ikh, Durv, Squish, Chel, Syaz, David, Alex, baby cousin Bradley

More Things to Eat:

• Prawn crackery-thing lobak
• State Bak-Kut-Teh
• Hokkien Mee
• Loh Meen
• Lum Meen
• Kaya Toast
• Dim Sum (anywhere) - esp PRAWN CHEONG FUN
• Won Ton Meen / Kon Loh Meen
• Prawn Mee
• Penang Assam Laksa
• Pineapple
• big fat Prawn Crackers
• Mum's Chicken Casserole
• Mum's Chicken Rice
• Mum's Spag Bol
• KFC Hot & Spicky Chicken
• McDonald's Chicken McDeluxe
• Kepong Satay

I'm in the office. Still a bit frosty since dad sounded me off for some layout error which wasn't my fault. Brr to you too sir.

* * *

A vision of a holiday near some golden beach is being squashed in the back of my mind. I'm doing the squashing consiously to stop myself from leaping out of the office window in frustration. Sigh. Oi, where's my excuse to go on holiday at? Cepat sikit boleh tak?

I really wanna get away from KL which is why I'm working NOW so I can take mondo holiday time of LATER.
Ooo, U'd better appriciate this. And we'd better have a kick-ass time! Or Else! (Jkn :P)

HoHum... WOAH

The good kind of woah tho. The kind where u go woah and then smile. And perhaps chuckle at the enormity of the woah.

So yeah, what on Earth am I talking about?

Not that big a deal but I like to share whenever anything cheers me up so this is me sharing.

I was feeling a little glum these past few days - what with work and such and such - and just generally coasting along. Out clubbing with pals and drinking with friends is fun but not the great fun that it could be if said certain person was in town, but hey - a couple of weeks ain't gonna kill me. So right, general feeling of sitting in the doldrums and going "hohum" at everything.

When suddenly...

Ok, so not like I have awful or even questionable self esteem issues. I am pretty satisfied with everything I've been given and some parts that I'm even proud of.

So with mental mindset of: OK, gotta get dressed to go with mum to KLCC, I was out of the shower, dressed in a skirt and t-shirt when I decided to change t-shirts. Just cos I can.

*Male friends may want to avert their eyes at this point - mammaries are mentioned, awkwardness may ensue*

You know that point of taking off a t-shirt where u cross your arms and ur right hand is at ur left shoulder and vice versa? I was facing the mirror in my room and gawddamn - are those really mine? Pamela Anderson can go suck eggs. I've never been a fan of plastic surgery or anything - however good the result, I think it's a bit too gruesome a process. But heck, someone up there in the Big Guy's design department must be a pretty decent guy cos he went: Poor Sara, she's so damn short - I'm gonna give her BOOBS to compensate.

I'm quite aware that I'm luckily well endowed - so when it comes to clothes, my motto is: If you got 'em, flaunt 'em - but don't wave 'em in people's face.

And I know how important bra sizes are to guys, but do guys know that bra sizes are important to women too? It's a slight buzz when you go bra shopping and find that you've jumped up in sizes. I've had the opportunity to experience this at least 3 times (depending on the cut of the bra) and I gotta admit, it's pretty cool - tho slightly scary.

Thinking back on a conversation I was listening in on on night on the way to Maison - boobs are majorly important in determining a girls "hotness" but not the defining factor. Ladies about to embark on breast augmentation take note.

And as proud as I am of my twins, I've always had em around - so dealing with them is not something new. Do a double take or go wide eyed or whatever, just keep the lewd thoughts to a minimum. Advice applicable to all males with regard to all females.

All modestly aside, I say happily brag that I have never worn a push up. Take THAT Wonderbra.

Sigh, silly boy

Ah, this is a purely responsive post, and probably won't make sense to anyone else. But hey, of you know me, you can ask me what's it about.

* * *

Dear Boy,

I'm not comparing you and whatshisface. Everyone is different. That's over and done and you've definitely come out tops. When I say deja vu last year, I just mean with results and the overwhelming sense of failure. Nothing to do with the Boys in my life. Mutually exclusive in a way. So don't worry your round little head about me worrying about this twisting into last year and so on and so forth. Personal and Professional tend to go on different tracks with me.

What else...

Ah, yes. "Inadequate to fill the need" [stop with the naughty thoughts the rest of you]. Venting is venting. All one really needs to do is just not interrupt, as rude as that sounds. Possibly with some affirmations here and there but comfort or words of wisdom are really not required. A pair of ears and a voicebox to go "mhmmm" once in a while is enough. Not to say that that's all your good for, but when dealing with vents, less is more.

I don't want you to ever feel like I think your second best or not good enough or not doing enough or whatever bad adjectives there are. I have standards and I generally stick to them. If I don't like something I'd tell you straight up.

So chin up. Don't worry about me. For the record, I've kinda told the parents and to be fair, its a big deal to me cos it's a big deal to them - me being the only one that they have and the only one that will have to take care of them in the future. I can carry the burden pretty well most times but I admit I have my weak moments. MOMENTS, mind you. One-off things.

I like you. I can forsee that I will continue to like you in the immediate future. So unless you do some major fkup in the relationship department, you're home dry.

*Major fkups include: cheating, serious indifference and general non-effort.

Take care, and I will see you in 18 days.

Love, Sara

* * *

A bit brutal. Not intended to make you (him) cry or feel bad. Just to reassure you that we're solid.

* * *

I have discovered that I'm no good at talking things like this through. I'm way better at writing. More organised. I like paragraphs. There are spaces in between. For some reason, I can't think in paragraphs. More like - shopping lists.

* * *

Lea: when you see me, ask me abt this. I have a new metaphor for you to digest. It's a good one :)

* * *

Note the lack of formatting and colour in this post to reflect the seriousness and somber mood that I'm in. Is it working? Are you reflecting with me?

Another Year

It feels just like 365 days ago. Same situation. Same circumstances. Heck, even same state of being. Found out in the same place around the same time.

Being a law student sucks balls.

CODE MODULE TITLE MARK RESULT
CL2320 INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY 52 PM
CL2324 LABOUR LAW 45 PM
CL3109 TORT [20] 55 PM
CL3412 LAW OF THE EUROPEAN UNION [20] 58 PM
CL3413 LAND LAW [20] 62 PM

I'm going to drop kick anyone who tells me to be happy with this.
One D, three Cs and a B.

Worse than last year. But I can make my own optimism, thanks.

And to gel it altogether in a whirlwind of "piss-on-Sara Day", I went to bed at 1am, with the thoughts of: I shall get lots of sleep because I have to work tomorrow and awake at 8.30 in the morning. I shall not be tired, nor grumpy because I will be fully rested and full of energy.

But no. In conjunction with "piss-on-Sara Day" I was very rudely awakened by none other than Sin Yew - he not caring that some people have to work in the morning or may be sleeping or doing something that doesn't revolve around him.

Now some of you soft hearts may be saying: Sara, don't be so harsh on the boy. How was he to know that you had work in the morning or tht you were sleeping. He just wanted to let you know that the results were out. You can't blame him for trying to help.

First off: I never asked him to call me. I haven not called him since I've been back. Not that I don't like the guy, but 2 years (18 months) of him is more than enough and I can honestly say that my summer holiday would not be lacking if I did not see him once.
Secondly: Regardless of your intentions, who in their right mind calls anyone at 2.22 in the morning? That's right. Just as I've dozed off into sweet sweet slumber and am comfortably resting in my bed, the SHOCK of getting jolted out of REM sleep and having to 1) figure out what the hell that bloody noise is, and 2) having to be concious enough to know its Sin Yew, realise what he's saying and try and politely get him to bugger off.
Thirdly: If i know anything about Sin Yew, he probably thought it was funny. But that's giving him too much credit. He probably didn't care or think about what I could possibly be doing at 2.22am that warranted him to think that I desperately needed to know at that very minute that results were out.

It boggles the mind.

But I suppose I'm transferring. This morning didn't start off well and the day is probably going downhill. I'm going to keep my head down and my nose clean. I just hope that I can hold it in till I at least get home.

And no, I haven't told my parents yet. They are gonna skin me alive.

Happy Crappy Day

Right so there is a sudden influx of horrible mixed emotions which I just can’t deal with.

I am HAPPY cos I passed all my modules and don’t have to go back to Cardiff to resit which means I get to spend until September with The Boy who is flying back after his Graduation.

I am fking BUMMED OUT cos The Boy got a Third Class which means that he can’t do Masters OR BVC and is going to do the CLP in KL which means that after I go to Cardiff I won’t see him for 2 years cos I won’t be flying back to KL until after the Bar.

I am STUBBORN cos I know if I ask any of my friends (and by any, I mean ALL) what to do they will be like: “I might not work in the long run/you haven’t had enough time together/etc etc” and the end result would be complete and utter relationship failure. So I refuse to tell them my situation and have to deal with the same advice being spouted from different people.

I am CONFUSED and TORN between wanting to make it work cos I like him so much and cutting my losses and forgoing a painful break-up in the future. Which sounds better to you? Ending it now on the presumption that I might get hurt (some may consider this a definite result anyway) or Keep sticking by it and seeing where it ends up – sad break-up scenario now avoided.

I am tempted to recall the few long distance relationships that a couple of my friends are in but they are only relevant to the point where it’s long distance. And how can expect him to juggle the time difference AND do his course well – it’s just not fair on him.

I suppose it’s pretty clear where I stand on this issue. If it were anyone else but me, I have a slight inkling of what I would say:

do what you feel is best for you. Be aware of what you’re risking but if you’re sure that it’s worth the risk, go for it.

I hate giving up. I’m no quitter. I’m an eternal optimist and I believe there is real potential in everyone – unless they demonstrate otherwise. LDRs can be done. They can. I have seen the proof. But yes, I know everyone is different and it’s not like relationships are without their difficulties but this just seems: 1) very difficult given the timing and distance (and freaking time difference) and 2) extremely déjà vu.

I feel like a sucker for punishment.

That being said, and after rambling on about justifying my reasons and being balanced about the whole thing, there is one selfish request I will allow myself to ask of him, but only once.

INTERNATIONAL GRADUATE SCHEME. It’s just one more year! And it’ll look freaking ace on your CV!

There. I’ve said my peace. And if you wanna know more about the IGS thing puhlease don’t hesitate to ask! Working at the Careers Service has its perks (Come on! I could SO hook you up!).

Edit: I don't blame The Boy for anything. It's just something we have to deal with.

Edit: I have talked to Lea and I feel a lot better. She says we can commiserate together!

Back in KL!

Yes my darlings! I'm back in the motherland!

It's only been a couple of days (Arrived on Saturday) but I feel like I've been here longer. I think its the amount of stuff that I've done since I've been back.

Making the most of the tropical heat (and humidity!)

* * *

Missin' The Boy. And thinking he's adorable. Man I miss him. Sigh.

Best Cardiff Day So Far

I lurrrrrrrrve Bute Park when the sun is out. Its gorgeous and picturesque and beautiful.

Barbecue with the funniest ladies around. Footie with The Boy (I suck but that's beside the point) and just lazing around in the sunshine on green grass with a clear blue sky overhead. I could not ask for more from today.

It was a short 3 hours spent in the park but well good fun.

I want HUGS

ARGH

I dunno why I've been so stressed lately.

Things to do:

• Pack (for storage)
  
• Pack (for going back)
• Spend time with the Boy
• Chill the fk out

Doesn't seem like a lot of things on the list but they are damn hard to tick off. I haven't packed anything yet cept winter clothes. There are so many things I have to get before i pack as well, like my rucksack from Saiful.

And I would greatly love to spend every second with the Boy just lazing around doing nothing. As long as I have nothing to do. Which is not till like next week.

I want to chill out as well, by myself or otherwise but I just haven't had the time to spend with myself. This chilling out time would preferably be spent whilst The Boy is actually busy doing something else - which means I have no option but to not be with him.

Good grief, do I sound clingy or what?

This is me being in typical girlfriend mode.
Enduring motto applies: if I don't say it, it's not true. But dammit, I'm going to say it.

I wanna hang around him like all the time. Doing whatever menial whatever. Sounds desperately clingy no? Well, fk you then. I mean it sucks that I sound like I've taken a step backwards from being independently super single and self-sufficient. This is different I reckon, I still do the stuff I wanna do, just with an extra pair of legs, hands, ears and lips. Other body parts are there too fyi.

I just enjoy the company. Like, really enjoy it.

Is it wrong that I wanna jump on him and smother him with smooches? Yeah, I'm that kinda gal.
And what with the impending time that I have to fly off looming, I just wanna hang on to him and not let him outta my sight. I think accumulatively, that gives me the right to feel a little clingy, no?

* * *

Also, I've figured out why I dislike the "girlfriend" label so much. It separates the personality from the person. Instead of being "Sara, a cool girl who is fun to hang around with" it becomes "The Girlfriend, sucker of souls and trying to steal our friend from us." Having a girlfriend changes people in a way, priorities change, but the people shouldn't, and neither should how you think of them.

I suffer from Girlfriend complex. The belief that one must act in a different way because they are in a relationship. Which is why I've tried to stay away from labels for this time being. Now it's kinda stuck and I've accepted it, I just have to fight the complex. The clingyness, the not wanting to let go - part in parcel of being insecure, thank you very much.

I have a remedy for this:

"I trust this one." Repeat.

* * *

You know, I wasn't expecting this, but I actually believe it. And I do feel a whole shitload better.

Modern News

First off, let me say

Exams are OVER!!!
Yay!
Ok, so my unexplained hiatus of a month or something has been explained fully right?

On to more recent stuff.

Right now, feeling a bit glum.

I can’t help but feel glum when people I know well are glum. And especially if there’s nothing I can do about it.

I like cheering people up! Not out of pride but I like seeing people happy. Very frustrating when there’s nothing you can do about it. ARGH. Sigh.

In other news, I’ve just been called nice. Now nice is not a word I would use to describe me. I can be very mean and horrible at times – after which I feel terrible about. But thank you very much for the compliment and I fully appreciate it and think it’s a great quality to have. I do try and understand people and not prejudge and listen if they wanna talk but make no mistake that I have no qualms in being rude if that’s what it takes to get the point across. After which I will feel terrible about.

Being nice has a certain walkover-pansy-sissy connotation which I don’t agree with.

I guess I am nice. But not all the time.

Accommodating was another adjective that cropped up. I like that one. Tho the people used in the examples I don’t really feel like I was accommodating them, just being patient.

Ok, ok. So it was the Boy that said all that but it made the hairs on the back of my neck prick up. Damn, it’s such an awesome thing to hear but damn, it does place some added pressure to live up to expectations.

Gotta be wary not to “try” and just “be”. In the immortal words of Yoda:

Do or do not. There is no try.

Hah. Easier said than done.
P.S. Lemme just say, this one maybe special.

In Honour of Mr. Hedburg

I've been dying to say this for ages now. Ever since I heard Mitch say it.

"I don't have a boyfriend - but I know a boy who would be very angry if he heard me say that."

Quote Mitch Hedburg in an appropriate situation. Check.

P.S. Just kidding. But C'mon! It's funny :o)

And I want this, and this and...

I fell in love with it the moment I walked past it in KLCC. Praise to the Master of Complications that is Franck Muller.

I mean just look at it! It is the embodiment of all that I feel inside.
Crazy. Yet functional.
Stylish and quirky.
Simple.

Oh and did I forget to mention HELLA Expensive?
The price range is somewhere in the "thousands of Pounds" range. But warranted since it's framed in gold.

I would so love to own this watch. And I will. The day I earn my first £10,000 paycheck, I'm going to buy that watch. Rolex can F-Off.

Some new, some old

Its one of those late nights where there is something I should be doing but I don’t feel like doing it. I SHOULD be studying but I’ve done all the notes for EU and I’ll start IP tomorrow. Promise!

So the topic of this post is something along the lines of unintentional change – personality wise. And yes it’s got something to do with relationships *cringe* so reader discretion is advised.

N.B. I really don’t like writing posts about relationships because I don’t think there should be anything to write about. It should be easy going and the only thing to do is be yourself etc.

With reference to the above, that’s the whole problem. Once you like someone, it’s hard not to like the same things they like. I mean, sure there are bound to be similar interests and things like that but after a while it’s tough to disentangle your own likes and dislikes with the other persons. Not to say you lost yourself completely but you find yourself noticing and appreciating things that you never noticed before, just by the sheer fact that you like that person.

When you spend copious amounts of time with a person there is a tendency to try and compromise certain things just because you’re gonna have to spend a lot of time with them in the future and you don’t wanna make things awkward. At this time of writing, nothing in particular springs to mind but the feeling still lingers in my mind. I’m pretty sure I’ve been guilty of it a few times – hidden it a lot, been moody a bit. Credit to The Boy tho he’s been a trooper.
The Boy – the title is now officially yours. Not feeling too possessive today, hence the “The”.
* * *

Personally speaking, I find that when I like someone, and they tell me that they like something that I do or something about me; it makes me madly aware that I do it. And unforch it also makes me wanna do it more just by the mere fact that they like it. Then it ends up I do it too often and it backfires.
I mean, I’m aware of this thing that I do so I really try not to do it.

And now to gush about The Boy – he says those kindsa things, but its things I do that I don’t even try to do to impress him or make him like me. Which is nice cos it means I can be myself and be a slob and things like that. *snicker*

And I’m a firm follower of reciprocal affection. Just a memo for the future.

* * *

I don’t know how many people have had this conversation with their partners or lovers or spouses or other halves (unmarried people anyway) but there’s this line of conversation that involves heavily in discussing marriage, kids, kids names, family and the works.

Not to say that I don’t think about it – not to a detailed degree – but it’s more of a general idea than a time-specific plan.

Of course there are some things that I want in life and some things I expect and there are some things that I’ll just wait and see how it pans out. I’m not so good with specific details – because I need focus. It’s always been the case that when faced with questions, I can come up with some surprising details off the top of my head.

* * *

Summer, I can’t wait for you to get here…

* * *

And Surprisingly I've also learned that sex isn't all about the end result. What a blow for the porn industry. Not literally of course.

Freakin Habit

Bleh, not normal for me but what the hell.

Suffering from withdrawal-type symptoms.

Compounded by the fact that I am out of phone credit. Well, not completely - I have £0.77 balance left. I have a whole bunch of free text messages but the lack of ability to call people is annoying.

That plus the almost complete inability to focus and study.

I am unbelievably frustrated.
So not funny. I could kill for a bit of relief.

*angry growl*