Exam Stress is killing me. Slowly. Yeah, like the song.

Would it be ethical to dump someone cos they were stupid?

He’s not retarded stupid, but let’s say… he’s not the brightest spark. I reckon he’s got potential, just (admittedly) lazy.

Nah, not gonna dump him cos of that. That would be stupid in itself. And rude. And so uncalled for. Just a thought.

* * *

Emotional blackmail. Which is what Lea is worried I’m getting lured into.

Ok, seen the trap. I haven’t figured out how to disarm it yet, but I’m side stepping it for now.
(I use a hell of a lot of analogies in this blog…)

So unless he delivers an ultimatum, I’m not going to address the *ehem* issue. And if said ultimatum does come, he can kiss my ass. I’m not going to be trampled on.

* * *

At what point is it ok to lend your money to your boyfriend?

Some factors to consider:

• How long you have known each other
• How much is lent
• When are you going to get it back?
• What is the likelihood of getting it back?
• How much do you trust them (in using it for what he says he is going to use it for)?

And all that goes out the window once they turn on the charm and put the puppy dog eyes out. Glad that hasn’t happened to me. And cross my fingers that it won’t ever.

* * *

And curse the person who created exams.

But the feeling after you get great results is awesome tho.

* * *

And please note, I'm not being heartless that I don't care that he needs money. I just think that if I empathize too much - as Ihave a tendency of doing - I will end up doing something I know i will regret.

Make your own Slogan!

PORN PORN PORN... omg i did not just say that.

I dunno if I can write this down.

Part of me just wants to not think about it and the other part needs to cry out and go “WHY?”

So no comments please, not on this post or any others (no comment-jumping).

This post is about porn so if you’re not really up to stomach it, I’m warning you now.

The story starts quite simply enough.

Question: If a guy gives you porn, and you watch it, does that make you an idiot? Because you did what he wanted?
I mean, if the only reason you watched it was cos he sed “Watch it.” For, um, educational purposes. And yeah he is rather a sex-mad nut but anyway, whatever.

And it’s not really about the porn, or the fact that he put in on my computer. It’s just a video file and if any of you have never watched porn, I suggest you should. It’s rather like watching a person jump off a building – there’s some morbid fascination with it – cept with porn the fascination isn’t morbid, it’s something else. I don’t know the word for it.

You get to thinking, especially if you’ve never done it before, “wow, is it really as fun as it looks?” and good porn people will make it look fun. If it looks like it hurts, then they aren’t really selling the sex, are they?

Well the issue here with me is…

Bloody hell. I’m no way gonna be that good at it. Not at first anyway. And I don’t think I can live up to that video. I mean, she’s a pro (the woman in the vid). Damn.

This coming from a girl who’s never done it, and is dating a guy who has SO done it before. So basically there are issues of “I’m so not gonna live up to expectations/standards”.

And right now I’m envying those ppl in relationships where you don’t have to deal with shit like this. It really screws with your head.

So yes, this is something I have to talk with him post-Wednesday. This is slightly more a sensitive thing so this is definitely a post-exam thing.
I accidentally let slip about the thing I was sppsed to hold on to (ala prev post topic) yesterday and he was ok, if rather cocky, about it. Ah well, as long as he knows, and he turned it into a sweet kinda thing. Don’t really rmbr what he said, but it was a rather surprising turn of events. Anyway, that’s over with. And now there’s the new thing. Always something to discuss! Whee!

* * *

With all this in-head drama, I forget that I have a life outside this Boy and all the issues.

*

I’m playing netball for SFX! Every Saturday at 8am is practice at the Catholic High School. It’s fun! Like omg, middle aged people play! And there are a few teenagers but the older women take charge. And it’s slightly frustrating – they hardly know the rules! I felt like pulling my hair out after practice. I mean: obstruction, contact, footwork – the three basic rules of netball! And they only knew some of the infringements. Sigh. Well, I didn’t say anything last week cos it was my first time there, but I hope that they get the whole rule thing together soon.

The PJ District Games are in June so they are practicing for that. So yay! Netball! More netball!

Always enjoy an opportunity to run amok.

*

Exams are nearing! First week of May. Oh joy. Wish me luck! And hope I don’t get sick! Or in a fight! Or something like that!

*

Is the book “Crime and Punishment” good? I bought it in MPH for RM8.50. The blurb sounds interesting but I haven’t had a chance to sit down and absorb it’s greatness yet.

SO looking forward to post-exam FUN.

Speaking of which, here are a list of things I wanna do post-exams:

• Lots of hanging out with my Boy
• Lots of hanging out with friends
• Clubbing (pref with my Boy)
• Go to Shaun’s estate!
• Go on a non-parent holiday (also pref with my Boy or friends) – like to a beach or something
• Read Crime and Punishment
• Finally go to Sunway Lagoon again

So whatever it is that I do, I just want to get out of the house. Not that I don’t like my house, but being cooped up here for hours on end is enough to last me the whole year, thank you. And not having the car doesn’t help.

And for those of you assholes who like bugging me about getting my license (my Boy included), even if I did have my license, I wouldn’t have a car to drive anyway. We only have one car and my parents use it. That’s my story; I’m sticking with it – so STOP ASKING.

That stinking feeling

This is bad. This is very bad.

Self-induced badness sucks.

There is nothing wrong that he is aware of. There is nothing outwardly wrong. It’s all me. I take full blame for this.

So what is the problem, you ask?

The problem is I feel nothing. Or close to nothing. Or something that is not really what it should be.

Kinda like: I know I should like him. I do sorta. We are not stable yet obviously. But I think by now I should feel like there is some potential to feel that.

I was thinking, if I don’t feel stable enough by post-exam, then I can't take this to the UK, even if he wants to. I just wouldn’t feel secure enough.

I feel sick to my stomach now.

I have to and will talk to him about this and how it can be fixed. A simple discussion is enough to resolve this – I’m pretty certain. But then again, it might all go horribly wrong. The last time I tried resolving this with a Boy it went all kinds of crazy and I was the one who suffered.

I want this thing to last; because I know we can last this but the issue has to be pushed. We don’t have enough time around each other and with September looming, all this emotional baggage has to be dumped out. Um, slowly tho.

There is, I think, one main thing that he does that I don’t think he knows how bad it hits me. He likes to “disturb me” in the sense that he’ll say something – and I know very well he is joking – just to see what I’ll say and how I’ll react and all and it’s all a big laugh when he’ll switch back and contradict himself later on. Mainly what he bugs me on is that he’ll say something about going out with another girl and blahblahblah. Don’t panic, he’s kidding. I know he is kidding. Trust me. And I would say something and something. And it’s like usual.

However, there is a niggling issue – that sort of, rots inside. I can’t stand the thought of being cheated on. Mainly thanks to past experience (if you can count that as cheating – I kinda do) it’s like a constant worry, because I don’t think I could take it if that happened to me again. I’ve told him the ultimatum and he knows I’m serious but he doesn’t know how hurt I would be. Think, 100% first degree burns – on the inside. Radiation poisoning and so on and so forth. The thought of it makes me sick.

I’ll talk to him after Wednesday. I may feel awful now but he’s got finals and this can wait. And if things do go all down the drain, it wouldn’t be my exams that suffer – cos it was my fault, right? So if I initiated things, it wouldn't be as distracting to me. I can try and compartmentalise for now.

And in conjunction with that, there are other past things that I have to suck up and deal with too. Like: I’m tempted to have a serious, emotional conversation – sounds boring to me, but I think it has to be done, or something – but the last time I tried that (over msn, mind you) I got dumped. Well, we were never together, but it was bad news. So, fear must be overcome.

There is that whole thing that all guys are the same. And I’m resting on that.

Is it too much to ask him to show me how much he likes me? Not even show; how about just telling? Cos right now I don’t know if I’m a 3 or an 8 on his list and I can tell you, it’s a pretty long list. 10 being tops btw. And the whole problem is, if I ask him, and he says tops, can I trust the answer? Even if I do trust the answer, I may think back o it and doubt it. It has to come from the heart – which means no prompts from me. Sigh. Stupid. I should just ask, huh?
Edit: I was just thinking, if i have to ask"Is it too much to ask...", it usually is, isn't it? (rhetorical question btw)

I reiterate what I have said before (I think, or said to Lea, I can’t remember): I am relationship retarded. There should be a font bigger than "Largest".

* * *

Oh and I have thought of another reason why he doesn’t want his parents to know (I thought this up a while back, but I kept forgetting):
In case I call the house and they pick up and they let slip that I’m one of many or something like that.

Rather possible if I were completely cynical and totally untrusting. I’m getting there tho! All you relationship cynics must be so proud.

* * *

How do you deal with separation? I mean, I’m worrying my ass off because I haven’t seen him (properly) for… well since Wednesday, so you do the math (4 days). I know what he’s up to and I’m not worried about him stepping out on me, but there’s that whole “missing him” thing. I do, I know I do, I know he does, and yet… can’t he at least say it? Or better yet, I should just keep thinking “he misses me!” and all will be fine and dandy.

Ladies, if you have any clueless men in your lives, make them read this blog, I will take them so far into the female psyche, they may never look at a woman as sane again. I mean, I’m perfectly functional in the normal sense – but when in relationships, all hell breaks loose up there. It sucks ass.

I just want to see him and talk to him. I don’t know guys. I know guys as friends and they are easy to understand. And you don’t really care so much what they think. I can’t treat this one like that because we aren’t just friends and we never were. And if we do spilt (I can’t help but keep self preservation switch on) we won’t be. I’m friends with my so-called exes, but not by choice. It’s hard. Totally hard, because when you think of them in that way, it’s difficult to go back to being friends, and it’ll be harder if you never were that before. The line that you cross from being friends to more is quite a step, but at least there is a line. What if you started out on the other side, how do you step out?

Anyway, I’m really not in the mood to think about breaking up. Tho in a sense, sometimes I just want to tell him, can we just be FWB (Friends With Benefits)? Tho I would make a shitty FWB – I’m such a noob. Just, sort of like what we are now, minus the emotion.

Emotions suck. It’s like being stuck in a tumble dryer and then expected to function normally.

So to sum it up, we will talk. But after Wednesday.

* * *

I think all this is, is I want him to know about where I'm coming from. Then at least if he knows, and knows what I'm feeling - he doesn't have to do anything - then I'll feel better.

I wanna get off the mood swing - it's making me dizzy

I’m getting all moody again. But at least this time I caught it in time.

We are progressing alright – I’m getting used to it. It’s still all very new and there’s like so much to learn. You think it’s easy and you see other people doing ok – but it’s really not! It’s hard! It’s complicated!

Anyway, enough about that.

I was all moody after cos I was scared he would be sad and all. I mean, I know that I couldn’t make it but put it down to timing.

So he was going to the gym after and I asked him to tell me when he was done – and this time I knew why I was worried so there would be no issue. He called up (after I found out my phone had been misfiring or something) and I asked if everything was ok and stuff and he was all reassuring and all. He even confided in issues with me! Score!

I sometimes think that it’s too uncanny that he knows what to say at exactly the right time. He knows females too well… he’s told me he’s learned from all his ex-gf’s and all. But I never thought he’d be this fluent in female. It’s comforting, yet slightly worrying, know what I mean? Kinda like I like that "he knows how I feel” yet I feel that he is just saying it to keep me sane.

So with that, I think I may be over the whole trust issue. That is, I don’t really trust him as much as I trusted the others. Probably because I don’t know him as well as I knew the other guys. I mean, in my terms, we’re going forward pretty quickly. And it’s rather uncomfortable (ok, maybe not uncomfortable – strange, different?) that he never started out as a mutual friend. It was straight from valentines to dating to actually going out. Nothing before. We have no history. And I have no idea what he’s like cept from what he’s told me and what his friends have said.

So ok, it doesn’t help that I think I’m on my period now and thinking this but I’ve acknowledged the moodiness and now I can deal with it properly, i.e. by blogging it out. The cramps have been replaced by a dull aching. Like a really full stomach – I think I’m bloating.

Oh, and this is perfect timing (at least this is) because I won’t be seeing him till next Wednesday or Thursday because he’s got Finals on Saturday and next Wednesday so he’s holing himself away from me for over a week. Which is also perfect for me because I have classes on both Thursdays (yeap, they are back – Thanks a bunch Vijaya) and a viva next Friday at 10am.

What he said: “What time’s your class on Thursday end?”
It’s become common place for me but I should think of the effort he’s putting up.

I forgot to ask if his classes end after his finals…

* * *

With remembrance to the post where I briefly mentioned that he doesn’t want his uni friends and parents to know that we are dating. Here is the rundown:

Friends in uni – not all of them don’t know. His close one’s know. The rest of them he doesn’t want them to know because he doesn’t want to make a fuss over it and he’s pretty sure they will tease him if they find out. Just because of who he is. I hope it’s got nothing to do with me.

Parents – they don’t want their precious boy to have a other half because they are worried (his words) “that if he has a fight with her, he will do badly in his exams.” Maybe I should egg him to tell them after finals. I wonder what excuse he’ll come up with then.

Anyway, I was also (in my head) wondering what other reasons there could be for keeping mum on us (so to speak):
1. He’s embarrassed / ashamed of me
2. He’s worried people will tell me nasty things about him – true and false stories
3. He doesn’t want so many people to know so after he dumps me he doesn’t have to deal with / tell so many people.

1. Not so much an issue because he’s very handsy (read: grabby) when we go out to like malls and all.
2. Is partially true. I so do want to hear those stories. But how bad can they be? I mean, my head’s already whirring with imagined stories.
3. it’s something I think of time to time. And it’s what think is most likely if the reasons he told me aren’t true. If so, sucks for me. And I think the upside to that is that at least I’m prepared for it. And I can tell myself I told you so in the future. You go, future-me!

So yes, I now have trust issues. Please fix me.

I don’t want to make this an issue for him to deal with until it becomes a big issue. It’s fixable, I just don’t want to freak him out with a gag order – “you cannot and must not joke around about leaving me and/or running off with someone else. It’s so not funny ok.” I would sound way too anal. If I expect him to take a joke, I should be able to take some too. Get a grip girl.

I want to trust him, but thanks to paranoia and mood swings (those I can handle) and a hyperactive imagination, I’m left sprawling in the dust. And I know, until I can get a hold of this stupid paranoia and rein it in – manic blogging like this are part of the control mechanism – I’ll never be able to fully trust him. I’ll be an insecure wreck (inside at least). And the crappy thing is that he knows how to push all my buttons to make me scared and insecure and worried. I have yet to find his. I know of one way to irritate the hell out of him, but I wouldn’t go so far as to make him really worried about it. And if I don’t do it to him, why does he do it to me? I should be strong enough to brush off his dumb jokes, but it’s annoying that I have to constantly keep saying “no, you are mine. No, you cannot do that.” But surprisingly, when I get fed up with playing, and just say “go for it” he gets slightly upset and is like “how can you say that, you’re my girlfriend?!” like I’m actually being serious. If he’s the one testing me, is he the one who’s actually insecure? It sometimes feels like it, tho I know he would never admit to it. Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking…

Fight? No fight? Fight...

No fights as of late. After having 2 in a row, I think we’ve mutually agreed how this thing is gonna work. I never mention what I think of him and he never pushes me to do what I don’t really want to do. Then we are both ok.

So, with that sorted, things are going good. Smooth sailing and stuff. The poor thing is sick with the flu at the moment and he has a test tomorrow morning. Law ball is tomorrow night but he’s not going because: 1) He has no formal wear, and 2) There were no more seats. Both lame excuses but he’s been sickly lately so even if, it wouldn’t be really too fun for him.

Anyway, I told him, as with all these grand ball dance function things, after the dinner, they don’t really mind who goes in, and I know most of the people in charge, so it’ll be no worries if he came round after dinner. He was a bit – ok, quite – reluctant to confirm. I do really wanna see him tomorrow. Only if he’s feeling better tho. Would feel awful if he dragged himself out for me.

I have the most awesome dress. It’s a soft halter low-back dress. Dark turquoise and black. I say low-back because the back falls just lower than my bra-line, which means I can’t wear a bra. It’s either tape or those cup things. I’m heading to MidValley to buy the boob thing and get make-up done. Maybe get hair done too. Then off to Westin to get dressed in Ally’s room. Thanks Ally! I’ll probably help out and end up ushering people in. It’s the least I could do, right?

Probably stash my stuff in Ally’s room so I’ll end up there at the end of the night. Oh well. I’m not staying over so I don’t think I have to spring for the room. I don’t think it would be fair if I did. I mean, I’m not using it to the extent the others are. Well, we’ll see. I actually wanna go to Modestos with Venon and people, but since I have to stick with my stuff, doesn’t seem like I have a choice.

Anyway, I hope he’s doing better.

I keep having nagging questions that he’s doing something behind my back. Or it could be that I’m expecting too much. Either way, I’m still uneasy in this new relationship. That’s what I think this is. We are dating and stuff, and we are a couple couple. But still, there are moments where I doubt him and his commitment. And I know I shouldn’t. If I told you all of the reassurances he’s given me, you’d swoon – unfortunately, I’m crazily cynical about romance nowadays.

* * *
He just called. I have no idea if he’s coherent or not but he refuses to argue with me after bringing up the issue of arguments. Granted he’s sick – but that’s irritating. Now I’m all riled up. Dumb shit.

Memo to self: don’t bring up past arguments. You will never agree till… ever.

* * *

Have I mentioned that he is adamant that his college friends not know? I mean, I get that it's embarassing for people to talk about it, but not humiliating to the point where it's life threatening. Get a grip.

Short-lived, doesn't-really-count kinda thing

I think we had our first fight. Hard to tell cos it didn’t really last that long. Well, there was a long spell of silence on both our parts but he was a bit sore the whole thing.

It’s kinda like a three part miniseries. There were the offending words and the subsequent silence, the attempted reconciliation, then the make up bit.

The offending words were some small joking phrases that I said to him that really hit a nerve. He’s told me before that it really annoyed him, but I guess I forgot. To be honest, I really can’t see the big deal about it. He takes it as if I mean every word with malice and that I look at him in that way. And I don’t, I’m joking. Totally joking. I mean, for those of you who know me, I’m like a total goof, right? He can’t tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious – which is a big problem.

Anyway, the ensuing silence was uncomfortable to say the least. You all know how uncomfortable silences are like. And it’s worse when you don’t know the person well enough to know what they are likely to do and when you care what that person thinks.

I tried to reason without sounding too defensive, but I think I ended up sounding defensive anyway. Well I don’t know if my entreaties worked, but things seem patched up thanks to the next bit…

The make up bit is the usual – how you get guys to forgive you. And at this point I’m feeling pretty shitty so I’m really not up for anything. And he’s the one trying to start it. So I know it’s my fault and I know I have yet to apologise for goodness-knows-what I’ve done. I still don’t think it’s that serious.

Anyway, note to self: don’t ever insinuate, jokingly or otherwise, that he is a horny, sex-crazed pervert who is out to rape me.

Triumph 1 - Disasters 0

I am no longer afraid. Mwahaha. And I have found out that I am quite addictive. Cool…

I did it! I so totally did it! Minor triumph – but I’m so relieved. It’s not what it sounds like, really – I’m not that horny.

Anyway, after the triumph comes a bit of sad news. I have been told that I can’t tell all this stuff that I’ve been telling to you, to you. If that makes sense…

Anyway, I’m still gonna blog abt the same stuff, with perhaps a thin filter which will delete the mushy details. It may make me hurl later on, if you get my drift - so perhaps this is all for the best.

Anyway, with that little triumph comes a big sense of power and accomplishment. Turns out I ain’t bad and that I didn’t have to worry that much. Well, I was a little tentative at first but I guess I got the hang of it. I’m a natural! Or something.

I actually have something he wants. Man that feels good. Mwahahaha. I fear I may go megalomaniacal on this. Just revelling in the moment of triumph. It’s a double whammy!

On a side note, when I tell him things, he actually listens! Like omg! Now I feel bad for not listening to him. But not like I told him to change his whole wardrobe or anything personal like that. Like I told him abt the online thing and he just called to say he wasn’t going online, but going out with Marshal cos he just came over. Like he had to “report to me” – his words. Hope he’s not bitter. It’s not that I want a report or anything; I just don’t like ppl – so to speak – lying. When u say you’re gonna do something, and you’re not gonna do it, courtesy says at least inform the person you’re gonna keep waiting. You know, be polite. And I don’t expect a call. An sms will be fine. That’s not being demanding is it? Erk.

Fine, granted I am late sometimes - and he ribs me on that. But I really try not to. And it’s not like he has a reputation of being on time either. Pfft. This is like I’m arguing with myself.

Oh, today, at the football thing, I saw Ainul. Whom he calls Ainot – for whatever reason. She’s been going out with one of his basketball friends so she’s known him for a while. But all good things to say – with some stuff that I already know.

* * *

So far, no crazy outbursts from disgruntled readers so I guess I’m in the clear.

* * *

We may be on the path to wearing matching t-shirts. And that’s creepy. And very weird. And I will do everything in my power to prevent that from happening. I may never forgive myself if I turn into one of those crazy matching-t-shirt couples. Well, the t-shirt I’m talking about is the one I bought yesterday at Cineleisure. The “F.B.I. Faboulous Body Inside” one. I wore it today just to drive him crazy. I bought it cos I keep seeing the one made for guys that says "F.B.I. Female Body Inspector". At least there is one for girls! And I told him about it and he said “hey! I should get that one! blah blah” and I was thinking, um. That’s cute. I guess. I mean, if we wore it unintentionally, then fine. But thinking abt it, I guess it wouldn’t be as painful as I’d imagine. Just weirdly embarrassing. As long as we’re with a bunch of people who don’t think it’s overly mushy – it’s a gag t-shirt; nothing meant in the way of seriousness.

* * *

I fear the past few posts have been overly explicit. Sigh. I’m wondering how to tell him abt law ball. And how to tell him abt friendster and facebook. Which I have just updated. Without telling him. Oops…?

Just do what you say you are going to do

Was: Sad, Bored
Because: Just got home from Cineleisure. Was bored because there was nothing to do. Parents were out. Was watching tv. Man Utd game was on. Score was up to 2-0 (yay!). Then parents were back. Had to eat some take-away chicken rice. Wasn’t as satisfying as I’d thought it was. Man Utd game was getting interesting. Periodically waiting on a call from you-know-who, but then decided to fk it and not bother and watch the game instead.

Was: Happy
Because: He called. We talked abt shit. Went online cos of his damn phone connection. [I’ve just realised an eerie déjà vu]

Now: Pissed, Nonchalant
Because: He’s not online. He’s the one that told me to go online. I had to go online anyway, otherwise I would have forgotten to email Michelle. But still quite aggravated. Just miss-called him. Wonder what the hell he’s doing. I hate it when people don’t do what they say they are gonna do. Going to go offline after I post this, or at 12am, whichever is later. He can kiss my ass (no, not really).

* * *

Man Utd won 4-1! 3 goals by half time. I didn’t watch the second half cos of the phone call (fk), but I still think that to give away 1 goal like that is stupid.

* * *

Anyway, going to watch him play football tmr. Still quite… grrr…

Sigh. Probably won't be by tomorrow tho.

Getting laid... NOT

I don’t know whether I should blog this or not since so many people I know are reading this blog. But I need to get this off my chest so here goes.

I just hope he never finds this blog cos that would spell out HELL for me. Erk.

Go figure but I think I’m too innocent for my own good. Good god, I’m almost 20! I feel like a nun in a brothel. Really. Take for example, yesterday night. First. Hickey. Ever. How sad is that. Actually, I’m relishing the fact that I actually got a hickey so the sad part has yet to hit me.

Anyway, back to the bits that are worryin me…

He is so bloody horny. Like seriously horny. I’m partially flattered and partially a little scared. Flattered cos no one’s tried to get in my pants before. Scared – because no one’s tried to get in my pants before. So it’s safe to say, I’m a little freaked out.

So yeah, I’ve told him to tell me if anything I do is annoying cos I have a tendency not to notice. And one of those things, are my rules. The rules so far (that I’ve blogged out) are fine and harmless. It’s the extra rules that are really starting to annoy him; which are:

• No boys in the house when parents are out
• No you cannot kiss me there.
• You cannot French kiss me after you’ve been smoking – I still have to learn how to French kiss btw
• You cannot touch my ass – even thru jeans

I’ve actually relaxed those rules for other guys (!) but just that I’ve only known him for… a month or so? He’s still new to me. Hehe I’m kinda enjoying frustrating him so much tho. See how long he’s willing to wait – I really should stop with the games…

I’m very protective of myself. That’s true. It’s what he said – and I said that I have to be because no one else is going to be protective of me if I’m not. He said he would! But I said he has no self control – I have proof. He said he does. Should I take his word for it? Maybe I should let him prove that he does. But what if I’m right? Sigh. I should really buy some pepper spray.

Oh, and when I said before that I trust people unconditionally, that means that I trust them… to not screw me over. I don’t trust anyone not to screw me. There’s a difference.

Anyway, not to say that I don’t enjoy making out with him – I do enjoy that. Very much so. But I get to a point where I get so self conscious while making out that I have to stop and I should really get over that. It’s debilitating. I feel bad for him tho. I keep accusing him of being some sex-mad, horny guy. Defence mechanism. Sorry.

My favourite phrase this week is “See how.” It means – in my terms – that there is a possibility that I will [insert verb], but I’m not giving a definite answer. But the outlook is good.

Oh, and another thing he’s annoyed at me for is: the first time he sent me home from netball we took my sunglasses and I snatched them off his head. “Selfish” the word he used. Godd*ammit! I was kidding, you over-sensitive goof! Get over it! If you really want to wear them, you can. I just wanted to get your attention! And I’m sorry if I scratched ur face. Really sorry. But you can be such a big baby sometimes.

So this is what I mean when I say war is so much simpler that this whole… relationship thing. I wont say love even though it may fit the phrase better. He likes and lusts me. HAH. *exxxxxxxxxcellent* (Mr Burns style) and I don’t mean that in its porn context.

I have yet to find a stance on porn. I think I don’t mind. As long as it’s not an addiction its ok? Ok. Not that he's addicted. I hope not. That would be... gross.

He’s noticed that I waaaaay over-think things too much. Don’t let myself go with my heart over my head. Sorry, force of habit. I think I’ll relax more once I get to know you better. But for now, I’m sticking with what I know best. Actually, the last time I let myself go (emotionally, kinda) was with the, um, other one. No names… And that one hurt. So I locked up pretty hard. Lea should know what I’m talking about. Convince me to loosen up! In the immortal words of Shaun: “She needs to get laid.” I’m inclined to agree. Not that I’m actually gonna do it but I agree with the concept. I need to fking relax. And since I don’t smoke, I don’t really have a outlet. Getting laid (metaphorically) – objective 1.

Wow. That is such a weird paragraph to write.

So yes, we have talked about the sex thing. And yes, I’m still a V. Go on, laugh. I don’t care. And I have made up my mind on when: when I’m in love. So he’s got a godd*amn long way to go. Hmm, what are the bases again? Well according to Wikipedia, we’re half way to First base.

Oh. And I just thought of another thing. He doesn’t get me horny. Yet. Well. Yeah, yet. So no chance there buddy. Hah. This it turning out to be such an X-rated post. Oh well. I’m hoping the comments wont be too… “omg Sara, you slut! How can you kiss and tell?!” How can I not? And I don’t see a problem. As long as I don’t go into intimate detail. Right?

Boy Noise: Vol 3 - Happy news! of sorts...

Wow. So we have progressed.

And things are not as bad as I have feared.

I think I’ll describe it in phases. Of increasing physical contact.

Phase 1:

He. Um. Grabbed my hand. And held it. And I didn’t resist. Ah well. That was cute. And all this was at his friends place while the other guys (his friends) were playing Winning Eleven on the PS2 – on the projector screen! Well, it was on the wall but same diff.

He kinda snuggled against it. It was slightly embarrassing at the time and I didn’t think abt it much but… well, you’ll see.

Phase 2:

He was dropping me home. Same night as the above. We’re at the clubhouse of my condo. We just had this, um, discussion about status stuff. And he kisses me on the cheek. Aww, so sweet right?

Phase 3:

This was… a few hours ago, before he dropped me home. I had just (well not just, but it was like a few hours after) finished netball practice and I haven’t had a shower cos I haven’t gone home yet. He’s driving up to my condo. And he asks what time I have to be back. And I say, “Why? I’m almost home already!” and he pulls over to the side of the road like right opposite the condo and leans over and… well, kinda nuzzles my neck. Silly boy didn’t take off his seat belt. Tho I think that was cos he didn’t wanna freak me out. And we get into this half talking-half nuzzling thing. And he’s leaning over to me and I’m curled up in my seat; and I don't mind so much cos it’s so cute of him. Just that it’s so… dunno. New. Never had a guy who wanted to get so mushy before. There are more descriptive ways to explain this, but its all a little fresh in my head to put into words today.

He tried to kiss me. As in, he was kissing my neck n my cheek and all but I refused to let him near the lips. New rule! You cannot kiss me if you have been smoking. The smell is bad enough – I don’t wanna taste it…

* * *

I kinda like the fact that he likes me so much and that I have finally found some guy that won’t run away. Yay me!

Ok, whatever.

But to be fair, I have no idea why he likes me so much. And he does! And he’s very manja. And in case I forget what manja is: manja comes from the malay word “to pamper” and it’s used in the sense that you will pout and be very child-like to get what you want. And usually it’s used in reference to annoying clingy girls but it’s very suitable for my Boy.

And he IS my Boy now. I asked him and he sed yeah but he was like “aiyah, I wanted to [make a big deal out of it]” kinda thing. And I sed “no need” but I talked to him online n sed, if u really wanna make a big deal out of it, u can – I’ll pretend I never sed what I sed.

So unofficially he is, but officially, dunno lah. But at least I know where we stand. And that’s all I care about. At least I can sleep at night knowing that I’m ok in his books. Hopefully more than ok, but we’ll start there. Let’s not get too ambitious.

I still have to tell him my one (just made up) rule about forgiveness:

I can forgive everything, except one thing – cheating. There is no turning back from that. Trust is something that I give everyone and once you give it away, you cant get it back.

A long speech, but necessary. I think the first line should suffice.

* * *

And he bites. Well not hard, but it’s a little weird. I’m not too fond of the feel of teeth on me but we’ll also see how that goes.

Seeing him tmr! Um, yay?

Uni Wifi sucks and I'm too distracted for words.

Here I am, sitting in a Contract lecture. Ubër bored. Kay Mi isn’t so bad. I like the shirt she’s wearing today.

I keep thinking about things with Boy and I think I’ve over-thought things somewhat. Bad habit, I know. Scenario is: I told him to back off for a few days because I have to concentrate on my moot. And now even, when I want to talk to him, he seems really distant. Shit, and I think it’s my fault. How am I going to fix this? I’m done with stress by Thursday but he’s got a quiz on Friday. And I’m going to netball practice on Thursday too and I haven’t told him – haven’t had the chance to.

And I don’t know how to handle disagreements. I’m so stuck.

I want to tell him about Thursday and netball and all but I’m afraid he’ll take it the wrong way and think it’s just cos I want him to send me home – which isn’t the case. I do want to see him. and I do totally appreciate the fact that he’s willing to send me home in the first place.

Should I just go along like it’s not a big deal that I brushed him off for a few days? I think I should but I’m too chicken shit to do it. Where’s my moral support?!

How am I supposed to let him know that I like him? Does he even know? Can I assume that he’s ok with everything? I think so. If I act like it, I think he’d go along. I don’t think there’s anything worth fighting or disagreeing over.

Wow. I really do think I’m a fighter not a lover. War is so much simpler to understand than this love stuff. How confusing.

I have to keep repeating this mantra in my head “Think of the good times. Think of the good times.” Tho, I can’t help but think the other.

* * *

Can’t help but feel really lost right now. I guess it’s a compound of being a little lonely and a little sad. I reckon I’ll be able to crawl my way out of this rut.

Can’t wait till Thursday rolls around and I can run all this excess stress off on the netball pitch. Still wondering how to tell him tho…

* * *

I'm in the process of cutting a wisdom tooth too. Le OUCH. Actually, less ouch, more, gummy feeling. Whee! So this is what it feels like to grow up...

Updates and BOY NOISE!

There have been a multitude of goings-on in my life so pardon me for being absent for quite some time. Chronologically:

1. Chinese New Year
Was fun! I actually enjoyed the family this year. Tho the suckiest thing was not being able to go hang out with my Boy (I forget what I’m sppsed to call him. more on that later). Lots of family dinners. Let me emphasise that there were a LOT of family dinners.

Day 1: Dinner in Aunt Theresa’s – bak kut teh and all.
Day 2: Aunt Jessie’s Wedding thing – dinner at Overseas Restaurant
Day 3: Went out with Boy (I think, I forget what day)
Day 4: Hung out with Hlbh and Durv at home – watching “Night at the Museum”, they ate a lot of the CNY cookies
Day 5: Dinner with Uncle Johnny and Co
Day 6: Dinner with the Mow’s at home – gambling and all

Day 15: Chap Goh Meh – Dinner with the Mow’s again. Gambling. Again.

2. Mooting
Stupid. Stupid stupid. Not me. The damn assignment. I hate having to do this. Stress is coming from two directions – from the actual moot, and from preparing.
Stress from preparing because I actually don’t have to prepare as much as I’m doing. But I figure if I do all the work NOW, I won’t be as stressed on the Thursday itself. I think.
And stress from actually having to stand up there are talk like a lawyer and worrying about not saying the right thing and being talked back to by the judge (Vijaya).
Most people who’ve done it have said it’s ok and when she questions you she just wants to see if your willing to stick to your point and how you handle it. I just fear the worst. Damn me and my anxiety attacks.

3. Law Ball
Actually nothing to worry about here cept that I wanna take my Boy there and there are no more seats. And I have to find a seat without anyone finding out why, tho I think Venon may know why. I asked him about seating, but I don’t know if he’s considered why I asked. I faked an interested friend who wants to go, but wants to sit with me.
Damn, I really want to find a seat for him. Anyone wanna give up yours?

4. Boy Noise
Here we go. Finally.

a) recently, while going thru female problems, I kinda had a panic attack and went totally mad – or at least I think I was mad. PMS makes you very moody so I was freaked and I dunno what he thought then but I think its ok now. Just have to remember to catch it before I do anything stupid next time.

b) and what makes a good girlfriend? A girl who lets you do whatever you want? Or a girl who wants to know what you’re doing all time? I think I may be oscillating between the two – which is why I was thinking about the boy manual a few posts back… I fear I may be hitting the “annoying” button at the same time as the “she doesn’t care” button. Yeesh, this is confusing.

c) what else. Oh right. I am extremely insecure and paranoid. And this is worsened when I am bored. Then I start to imagine what fun he’s having sans moi and I get bummed. Damn. This sounds like a repost of the last dude. I gotta get a more exciting life. I told Peter this and sed, and I quote, “you worrywart!” Thanks Peter. At least I know what to call myself :)

d) Should I assume that he likes me? or is that too much to assume? How important is actually saying “it” anyway? But can you sure if you just work on an assumption? I know they say actions speak louder than words, but words are still there for a reason – to be used.

e) I have just realised that being in a “relationship” or the closest I’ve gotten to one, is actually quite boring. Sigh.
There is no more flirting. There is no more playing catch-and-release, in a manner of speaking. Is this what it’s like all the time? Man. Being in a couple is kinda overrated. And we’re not even a “couple” couple yet. Not sure if we ever will be…
The story is: I’ve been pushing him to say the “magic words”. No, not the “L” word but something along the lines of “I like you” or any question with the word “girlfriend” which pertains to him and me. And so far, he’s been extremely evasive, if not, avoiding the issue altogether. We’ve spoken abt me going to UK, but as far as I know, he’s just filling convo space. AND from past experiences, what guys say, and what they mean, are two very separate animals. Anyway, giving him the benefit of the doubt, I’m going to assume (as I have been assuming all along) that he does like me.
I’m not sure I like him entirely tho. There’s the issue where I do like going out with him but it’s all quite weird when I haven’t seen him for a while and I get stupidly paranoid.
Oh, and bringing back the lists:
How I know he does like me: he leans against me when we watch stuff – football, movies, he touches my knee, he puts his arm over my shoulders when we walk, he avoids the issue of how he feels (tho that may just be a guy thing – not so sure), he drives me home (which is really sweet and I totally appreciate)
How I think he knows I like him: I lean against him when we watch stuff, I turn to him when I semi-squeal in movies, I let him touch my knee, I favour him over his friends (duh, but obv)
How I may be annoying: I msg him randomly (tho not excessively much), I ask stupid questions, I laugh too much, I let pms affect me (I’m trying!),
How I may seem to not care: I won’t contact him for a whole day (24 hours! – ok, happened once, and then he called me), I’ll be quiet when his friends are around (cos: 1. I dunno what they are talking abt, and 2. I don’t wanna be like all nosy and whatnot), I’m reluctant to be all girly ard him and his friends (none of that “oh! Omg! Like omg!” nonsense - I try to be concerned and all, and not all embarassed about it)

I have this awfully strong urge to hug him or smtg but thanks to my remarkable powers of self control I don’t. Actually, I only get the urge when I’m alone, when I’m around him – nothing. I’ve actually started withdrawing privileges such as letting him put his arm around my shoulder on the excuse that it’s just cos I’m short. Damn it. I wonder if he's getting the hint that's i'm getting a little tired of playing games. Tho, i suppose if it's a hint, then he's definately not getting it.

Oh, and we were supposed to go to Sunway Lagoon next week – and I was looking forward to it! But ends up we might not. Damn it.

So in conclusion – I don’t know where we stand. I’m sticking by the phrase “I don’t have a/He is not my boyfriend” and technically that’s true. Tho I wish it were the opposite.

I don’t know what I want tho – do I want just someone to call a boyfriend? Or do I actually want him to be around? Do I just want someone to make out with (very fun!) or someone to care for and who cares for me? Does it matter what I want more? Am I actually going to get the chance to try this out or do I have to keep playing these frustrating games with him?

And so ends another instalment of Boy Noise!

Lea has been super busy with law work in Holland so I’ve been struggling with internal conflict for a while now. I have no idea if what I’m thinking is sane or if I’m just relationship retarded. My Boy is so not ready to hear all this nonsense yet so I’m stuck with speculating on my sanity in cyber space. Man, its quiet out here.

Omen-ing?

Not much to report today.

I mean, stuff happened and I did things, but nothing that elicited overwhelming emotion or that I feel that warrants a special post. So here’s a breakdown…

1. UN Exco Meeting

• Upcoming activities – UNICEF
• March GM outline
• PRO activites
• MDGs

I don’t particularly enjoy Exco meetings. I’ve become more and more detached from this club. Sad. Thank goodness there’s Andrew with his enthusiasm to keep things together. I don’t know why, but I’ve run out of energy to push towards the UN Club. I suppose I can blame the previous efforts to motivate my PROs which have failed miserably. There’s only so much time and effort you can put into trying before you burn out. That, plus my transition to Law. To be honest, I can’t wait till the hand over. Sigh.

2. Hair Appointment

I have previously mentioned that I go to regular hair treatments in Mont Kiara for my hair problem.

YES, I have a hair problem. PLEASE don’t tell me about it. I KNOW already.

Anyway, I got my hair low-lighted! Its kinda sorta reddish purple. I wanted purple purple but the girl there said it wouldn’t last and it wouldn’t show much. And as it turns out the colour is pretty dark so they are low-lights, not high.

Doesn’t matter. =)

I like it!

It’s a tad dark now but she said it would lighten after a few washes. Perfect.

I just hope no one calls me an ah lian. Grrrr.

3. Home

Well, nothing happened at home today but computer wise there is some small boy noise.

Oh, while I was in Mont Kiara, he asked if I was free to go out. Today. And I was. And I was like “okay, cool. I get to go out today. And I get to see him before CNY.” Because I kinda figured that if I got to see him before the long holiday it would be better y’know? Like…so he would think about me during the long hols. So any time before then would be a plus. Not that I miss him or anything. Sigh, and I promised myself not to play games…

Turns out, he cancelled tonight cos of reunion dinner. Ok, fine.

Offered to drop by tomorrow (Saturday, which is today I guess) morning. Fine also. Then then – he can’t because he has to go shopping for CNY clothes. Sigh. Can’t be helped.

So that leaves me with no opportunity to get in his head before the long hol. Dammit.

* * *

You know, after watching Under The Tuscan Sun, I have this eerie feeling about what the Spanish guy said: It must come naturally. If it were meant to be, it would all work out. It would click in place.

I know I shouldn’t be thinking too long term or what not, but it’s just frustrating.

The thing about that movie that's ringing true for me, is that they kept missing each other. Never in the same place at the same time. I hope it's not premonition of reality...

* * *

So, Chinese New Year is dawning upon us… soon! Year of the Boar apparently. Very cool My oldest auntie (on mum’s side)’s year. So she’s… 48! Multiples of 12 unite!

I’m actually looking forward to Sunday (1st Day) – see my cousins, relatives. No matter how annoying or shallow or whatever I think, they are still blood. Plus, I get to wear new clothes! And that’s always a cause for celebration.

And the question I’m looking forward to most: “Do you have a boyfriend?”
And why? Because this year I can tentatively (but convincingly) say “Yes.” If only to stop them asking, and get them talking about my beloved cousin whom they dote upon so. I wonder if Stephanie has a boyfriend…I don’t like people asking, so I won’t ask. And plus, if I ask her, then she will ask me back, then I will have to be truthful (“Yes.”) and then it will seem that I want to brag about it.

Technically I am lying, but I do have a boy – who is interested. It’s close enough. Whatever. Just to shut them up.

* * *

Today’s rose picture is proudly taken in mum’s bathroom:

The bud has fallen to a 90 degree angle and the stem has turned a little yellow. Still smells fantastic tho.

Rules of Sara: Boys (Part 2)

1. Do not yearn. Yearning is bad for health.
2. Don’t play games. Even if you know you’re going to win, you will lose. And it will only confuse you further.
3. Don’t think long term. Consider the implications but live for the here and now.
4. When he says he will call or message you, he means in the next 24 hours or so – time is relative.
5. When walking side by side, do not fold your arms. Leave the arm closest to him free and naturally swinging – giving him the perfect opportunity to initiate hand holding.
6. When talking across the table, never fold your arms unless in jest or if you are cold.
7. Remain passionate but fair about favoured sports teams.
8. Never try and bluff about a subject.
9. Try to look at him when in conversation at least 80% of the time.
10. Talk to him more than you talk to his friends – regardless of how important you think it is for his friends to like you.