to my grandma:
SAY IT.
Ok. Good. My family and my grandma and I went to Genting Highlands a while back to watch this Mysteria magic show. Good entertainment and everything. Anyway, we spent most of our non-Mysteria time at First World Plaza – the hotel with like a shopping mall and an indoor theme park below it. All jolly good fun.
Anyway, around the fast food area (McDs and Burger King within 50 meters of each other! Actually they were on top of one another which is even weirder) there was this little stage thing and on the stage were the creepiest figures I could ever imagine.
It wasn’t part of the Ripley’s exhibit that was set up on the north wing nor was it part of the Ponitanak horror house. It was horrifyingly and terrifyingly part of an animatronic animal band designed to “entertain” small children.
(Distorted) Animal: Bear
No. of (terrifying) members: 5
(Useless) Instruments: Vocals, guitar, bass, keyboard, drums
Genre: (Creepy) Silence
What follows is an account of my impression of these “so-called” musicians.
Not advisable for small children or the faint of heart.
Bear #1
The Girl Bear
Yeah, they followed the traditional format and went with a female lead to draw in the crowds on horny 4-year olds that make up their demographic.
Puh-lease. She looks like Courtney Love after she forgot to shave. And evolve. She’s got a nose the size of the moon and I have the feeling that anything musical coming from her would not come out of her mouth (the other end maybe, but not the mouth). When they dug the bear remains out of the pit, they really should have spent more on trying to hide the bones than dressing them up (which failed miserably too).
Plus, she’s butt-UG-LEE. If you’re going to have a band of 4 guys and a girl, at least make one of them ok-looking. Anyway, they’re bears. Ugly bears, but that’s not my problem. Someone should petition the Bear Family and Children Council to stop in-breeding. It’s destroying their reputation.
Bear #2
The Lead Bear
And by lead, I mean lead – as in: lead the way over a cliff please.
First thing, bears don’t have opposable thumbs so how can he possibly hold a guitar. No way.
And second, what the heck kind of guitar is that? Yeah I know Martha Stewart was a great inspiration but even she would go out and BUY a guitar. Get some money and purchase one, buddy. Or better yet, I’ll give u mine – anything’s better that a box with strings.
Third, remove the owl. It’s not cute. It’s not anything. However, it is annoying.
And fourth, shut your trap! You’re not even singing! What are you? Part-time venus fly-trap? No one wants to smell your stanky bear breath! Go kill brain cells else where! Yuk.
Fifth. Dude. I may not be the best dresser in the world (well I am, but modesty forbids and all that), but I say lose the PJs. Striped overalls? Honey those are so 3 years ago.
Love from: Queer Hair for the Straight Bear. Muax muax etcetera.
P.S. Do you have your own eyeballs? I’m just guessing cos it doesn’t look like you have any.
Bear #3 and #4
Bass Bear and Keyboard Bear
Ok, so is he wearing underpants? They look like underpants but I’m not sure. I don’t really want to take a closer look. Go ahead if you want.
And I think the dude on the right had a face but it melted the camera lens. Either that or he’s part gorilla. Make that ALL gorilla.
Bear #5
Drummer Dude
ARGH! There’s a cross-dressing bear! Now there’s something you don’t see every day. It’s the pigtails that confuse me. Or ears. Or whatever. I detect metallic pants. Oh good grief, have these people no shame?!
Sigh. I wanted to finish this post today because I feel ashamed for the long time I haven’t posted. Forgive me blogging overlords, for I have failed you. [impales self on literary sword]
