Back on track

Sorry sorry. I've been busy.

Since Paris it's been all about knuckling down and working hard. Fingers crossed it pays off.

Anyway, mondo stressed. Wasn't so stressed yesterday but things have changed / turned to shite since yesterday.

1. The place I thought I was going to live in during summer - turns out the letting agency has now done a 180 and said no, you can't stay there. Which would have been a fine thing to say 3 months ago. Not now. How the heck am I supposed to find a place to stay in one month. Looks like I'm going to be homeless from July.
   
   
2. Job hunting is also going nowhere. I've applied and applied. And applied. I feel... unemployable. There was a news article in the Daily Mail (of all places) of this girl who had sent over 200 applications for jobs and gotten none and she committed suicide. Depressing thought! She only had A-Levels so I thought, hey, I've got a degree and soon a post-grad! I should do better! Wrong. Well wrong so far anyway. Not to worry, I don't think I'm suicidal. Heavily worried about my future and almost immobile with fear, but not suicidal.
   
   
3. Last assessment looming. I'm really putting my all into these last ones. I haven't gotten all the grades I've wanted so far so it's all or nothing now. I should have worked harder during the last ones. Well, at the time I thought I did ok, but who knows. Please just give me a few more VCs. Please. I shouldn't please you. I should be slapping myself and shouting Come-on!

To France in a couple of days. I've started doing waitressing work with a recruitment company in Cardiff so I've got some jobs lined up before and after I go. I really want the security of a contracted or permanent job though. I have to pay my own rent and everything from July onwards. I've never had to do that before...

So if any of you have spare wishes or prayers left, if I could squeeze in a little corner of that to say help please that would be cool. If not, I understand that you have better things to do than be kind to the less fortunate. I'm sure you're feeding orphans in Africa or caring for sick puppies or something like that.

* * *

Back to the topic of France...

I really am excited to go. Well I was more excited to go a few days ago but the burden of recent events has somewhat diminished that light. If only I could go to Saint-Etienne and come back and all my problems were solved! I'd have a place to live and a great job. That's really all I want from life now.

So when can I open my present?

Speak of Mother Nature

And since my last post, Mother Nature has zapped me with her nature stick and blessed/cursed me with the crimson tide. The scarlet waterfall. And all the other euphemisms Lea, Squish and I came up with to gross out the guys. I still vividly remember the day we made tampon angels. Ah, good times, good times.

This comes as quite a shock because, even tho I said I was feeling the symptoms, the flow is usually delayed. Maybe it has come sooner because I'm not as stressed as last term. Or because Tash has some strange synchronising effect on me. We are starting to mind meld, and it's scaring me!

The only downside to getting my period now is that there is a danger that come March I might have my period around the same time. And that's no good for a romantic getaway to Paris. It just won't do.

I have to now start plotting to out maneuver Mother Nature. She's not messing with me again! Any suggestions for delaying or inducing periods are more than welcome. nothing permanent or dangerous please...

Vanilla Chocolate day

It's been a day of upturns and down spirals. Its difficult to balance both, mainly because they not only happen to me, but to people I know and care about. Here's the break down.

1. Worked until 7.30am. Slept for 1 hour. Woke up at 8.45am for a 9am class. Result: serious sleep deprivation.
2. Presented work in PLR class. Got most of the answers right. Fave tutor teaching. Good start to the day.
3. Checked Summative assessment results. 2 VCs and 1C. I'm more than happy with that.
4. Finished drafting prep in the library while people talked about results. Some were pleased, some were elated. Some were disappointed.
5. Drafting small group with GG. Had to present again because (due to lack of sleep) I didn't want to sit in that class for longer than I had to. Work was ripped to shreds by GG. Got a little sad.
6. Classmates rallied to my defence - or rather on the offensive to GG. So it's not just me then.
7. Had a long chat with Su-Ann. Her Boy has gone off to Turkey travelling for 3 months so she's feeling the void. Thought I would try and cheer her up. I think I helped. I think.
8. Met Tash to accompany her to file a police report. Her passport and debit card was in a clutch bag in a house party and it was stolen. Tres upset and I was trying to help her do what she needs doing. Glad I could help a little.
9. Walked to town to deal with her debit card. Remember: 1 hour sleep. So very very sleepy.
10. Went to Oceana to see if her coat was found (Was lost on Sunday when she went out and was put behind the bar by a friend). Couldn't find it.
11. Went home. 6pm. Slept till 8.45pm.
12. Had food. Housemates are cheerier now even after sad things have happened. Tash is back to smiling again and Jun has returned to using me as an agony aunt. All is well in 72B.
13. Chatted to The Boy. Good news and bad. Tickets to Paris bought! But LLM results were not as expected. If he's sad I'm sad.

Tried to cheer him up. Don't know if it worked. Am aware overly optimistic point of view can be annoying but its how you deal with it personally that really matters. I try and cheer him up and look on the bright side. I do understand but I don't think dwelling on the past and what might have been is helpful. Especially when it comes to results. Exams are meant to be final and the culmination of months of learning. If you put in your all, who can tell you to do anything better? The Boy went quiet and went to bed. Granted it is late where he is. Hope he can see what I'm saying and am only trying to help. Hope he believes what I say is true and not just fluff to make him feel better. It is in part but I wouldn't be saying it if I didn't mean it. I would say the same to myself. Hope he feels better and can still look forward to Paris :)

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Always look on the bright side of life.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Be grateful for what you've got, thankful for what you have.

Always remember to feel blessed and never take anything for granted.

Walkies

So I took that walk.

And I feel a lot less... emo.

As a side note, on the way out I encountered my house mate who asked me "where are you going?" to which I replied "out for a walk" to which he laughed and said "oh! So emo!" Wrong. He has since realised the error of his ways and has not amused himself at my moodiness. Although I have to admit, the adjective was appropriate, I hate the word.

A lot less stressed and less cabin-fevered. I would have liked to have walked for longer (I was out only 45 minutes I think) but I couldn't find a quiet, safe spot to walk about town. Alexandra Gardens was cordoned off for the New Years Carnival thing and the City Centre was full of scary drunk yobs.

The Carnival is another sore point. I love going on these rides but it's only truly fun if someone enjoys it with you. No one here, and I stress no one here ever joins me on the rides. Its like living in a black and white library with all the fun sucked out. Where are my buds when I need them? Also sadly, I was thinking that even The Boy would not go on a ride with me. Not even the Big Wheel. What sadness.

Moping over, I'm sitting once again in my brightly lit room feeling a little like a bird in a gilded cage. Even if someone opens the door, will there be anyone on the other side?

Christmas Eve Night

Technically it's Christmas morning, but it's not really.

There's no tree.

There are no presents.

There's no family.

This is a sorry excuse for a Christmas if I ever saw one.

I can do without the tree and presents. But I'm home alone. The house mates have gone off to Malaysia and London respectively. The Boy is uncontactable. Family is thousands of miles away and the relatives I have here couldn't give a damn.

I'm normally a jolly kind of person. I can handle work stress, relationship stress even friendship stress. But at this time of year, I'm detached from my loved ones - so far I can't even feel them.

Everyone else is living it up with their Boy or Girl or family. And it feels wretched to not have that at this time of year.

It's not that I don't have friends here. I just don't have people who I'm close enough to here.

I don't need a Christmas miracle, just a Christmas hug.

Oops I missed class

I overslept this morning. I had a 10am class. Almost unheard of to have a class start after 9am. Today was supposed to be a good day.

But I overslept. I set my alarm for 8.55, then reset it for 9.10. But i didn't I thought I did, but I didn't. And now I'm trying desperately to find an alternative Small Group Session to attend. If not, then I'll just go to the library tonight and make up the work anyway. AND I have to prep for Advocacy tomorrow. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

The Boy sent a message after reading the last post. Pity shitty situation but what can I do eh? Thanks Le Garçon.

London "Weekend"

Inner Temple had their Introductory Weekend for Out of London Students this last Friday and Saturday. The normal stuff really. Friday in Dark Suits and formal stuff - Saturday we had a drama thing by LAMDA. Good fun jumping around and breathing and things. I didn't take my camera. Cos i forgot. Sorry.

Stayed at Lea's place! Bless her! Less than 2 days in London and she lets me crash at her place for a night. What would I do without ya Lea?

Interestingly, on Friday I almost missed my bus to London. Then I was almost late for the Inner Temple Registration and things on Friday. Running from Temple Tube Station Aunt Flo decided to come visit. Interesting run indeed. Good thing I was well prepared. Although not so prepared for the heels that I would have to wear all night. Ouchies. But I've been thru worse.

So I got back to Cardiff on Saturday. Almost missed my bus back from London too. I have got to break this crap habit. But I am so not a morning person... sigh.

I've got Opinion Writing to do for Monday so I have to get cracking on that ASAP. MSSCF Welcoming and Hari Raya Dinner on tomorrow evening but I doubt I'll have the time to go. Work first! When I have the time, I'll do as much work as I can, then stone out a little. I can't enjoy free time any more - it's a shame really.

* * *

I also properly realised how much my parents have to sacrifice for me to be here. Not only them, my aunt's been immensely generous in helping us out. I don't know how much, I can't say that I know how much anyway, but the fact that she's helping speaks volumes.

Things being as they are, and me realising the full weight of my burden to succeed, as it were, I'm not going anywhere any time soon. Unless I win some free all-expense-paid trips to anywhere, it's going to be Cardiff Autumn, Winter, Spring. Maybe Malaysia Summer.

I feel completely at a loss of what to do, but at least it's not like I have a choice in the matter. I hope I don't sound resentful, I just feel like the kid who has to stand at the other side of the fence while the other kids ride the roller-coaster.

Crummiest Day

Today has possibly been the crummiest day.

Got a letter from the bank saying that the account is going to be charged £25 overdraft fees for an overdraft that was caused by the other account holder - who doesn't seem to be giving a shit.

Yesterday the guy that was supposed to rent the room that is available in my flat decided not to because he doesn't have a UK guarantor - and the girl that really wanted the room hasn't called me back even tho she said she would.

I called The Boy on skype and he didn't pick up - twice.

Any one of these things would have made my day bad but bearable. All three in one day, all occurring in less than 1 hour of each other has got to be a new record.

I can't be bothered anymore to think of the reasons why or justify them, no matter how rational or logical. The fact that they have happened is bad enough and I am too tired to think of all the optimistic, positive reasons. They have happened, and they suck. Life goes on.

Today is officially a Fk-It Day.

The Beginning of the End of the Beginning

Just had my first day of BVC. Tiring. Stressful. But hopeful.

The Boy is in France learning French and doing his dissertation in Mediterranian weather. I miss him like anything but it helps to know that he misses me just as much. It's a small but powerful comfort.

His birthday is on Saturday and since I can't be with him I'm trying to do as much as I can from here. Which includes trading in my loyalties, at least temporarily. It hurts but it's for a good cause.

The BVC is a killer course. Not for the faint of heart. I can do it. I WILL make it thru. I HAVE to FOCUS and work HARD. Damn.

I bought a bag load of Tesco microwave rubbish. It'll be my sustainence for the next few days - with sporadic wholemal sandwiches and other foods inbetween, but mostly Tesco Value crap. It's like exam season all over again.

The Boy has no internet. Yet. Which sucks. Skype is doing it's job but it's quite expensive. Have to make the most of it tho. At least it's something.

Reminder: Write letters to Gih Jhen and Aunty Eve.

Summer Holidays are officially over like I said. But the weather has made up for the lost leisure time so I can't complain too much.

Buried

Azzy wants to stay till the end of October but I don’t think we can rent out the room if that’s the case. If you wanted to rent a room for Uni you would want to start from the End of September and at least October.

I guess there are only 2 options, but to me, there’s only one. Azzy will essentially be kicked out of the house (not really, she can still stay, just not in that room) and that’s not going to sit too well with her. I really don’t like making other people unhappy, especially those who have been nothing but nice to me but unless she can guarantee someone taking over then room come the end of October, I don’t see what choice I have. I hope Tash feels the same way – there’s no other alternative as far as I can see. I’d rather not risk having to pay for an empty room for 8 months just to spare someone’s feelings.

I did tell her that it might come to that and she didn’t sound too happy. I wouldn’t either but I have to cover my own ass first before I can consider hurt feelings. I wouldn’t want to be in her place. Then again, I know she wouldn’t want to be in my shoes either.

* * *

The crimson tide hath cometh. And I am tremendously relieved. Even though I know my cycles pretty well and it’s been pretty regular these past few months, the long cycles tend either be rigid to schedule or deviate dramatically. These past 40 days has been one of the dramatic ones. It doesn’t help that it comes on the eve of the day I have to travel to Swansea before travelling to London but you can’t fight Mother Nature. Just one of the many things I have to take in my stride this time round. I’m grateful that I don’t have to worry about scaring myself and thinking about the "what ifs”. Its TERRIFYING and I pray that the scare never becomes real. Just thinking about it makes me want to explode and implode at the same time. I hate telling anyone if I’m scared because it’s so stupid and it’s all my fault anyway nad I should know better. And it’s not something you can just tell anyone.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, pray you never will.

* * *

Its been a rough few days I guess. The internet is sporadic at the moment – more down than up but it’s all part of life isn’t it. Go with the flow. If you fight it, you won’t get anywhere and all you’ll have is more white hair and less time to enjoy the things that are worth thinking about. Tho I must admit, it’s been difficult to count my blessings lately. Have to really dig through the muck to find the stuff that makes it all worth while. And it’s worth doing. Otherwise you forget and then you won’t have anything worth living for.

Blessings counted:

1. Parents
2. The Boy
3. Family (extended)
4. Get to go to France
5. Lucky to study in the UK
6. Nice big room to myself
7. People who care about me
8. Food to eat
9. Comfortable place to live
10. Clean running water
11. Electricity
12. Hot water
13. Clothes to wear

There is no point moaning about things that have gone wrong lately. Yeah it sucks but things going wrong are better than nothing going on at all. In a sense that, yes, my house mate has walked out but at least I have a house, friends, people that care. The silver lining is always there if you care to look for one – and it’s not that hard to find. Seeing the silver lining does not mean that you’re naive or ignorant, it’s optimistic focusing. Channelling positive energy and all that.

Personally, I don’t want to think about all the things that have made my last few days quite a shit hole but I’ve done what I can and tomorrow will be better if I leave the problems that I can’t fix behind.

Still. It doesn't stop me feeling all crap. I'll get over it.

Certain Things

Il ya certaines choses que je ne le comprendrai jamais.

Saying things in French gives it a certain mystique to that the English language cannot afford to it. With French, every phrase is said with emotion, with a gesture, with a deeper meaning and story behind it. It makes you wonder why.

* * *

It’s funny how people can get so attached to things that to others are of no consequence. A smelly old doll could be someone’s precious childhood keepsake. A threadbare stretched out t-shirt is a memoir of a long forgotten past when times were simpler and perhaps happier. We assign our emotions and memories to these objects to materialise the events, traumatic or delightful, in a separate body to distance ourselves from the past; to stop us dwelling on it.

In essence, no-one is a walking video recorder of memories, ready to recall every last detail at a flick of a switch. It can’t and won’t be done. Sometimes you may think that you don’t horde, you don’t have to keep things to remember but it can’t be escaped. The mere action and emotion is iterated in the English language: “sentimental”, to attach memories of the past to objects of no consequence to the event. There is no logic. A sentimental old fool is not an oxymoron but a description of what it is versus the harsh logic of reality. It cannot answer the question why with words but rather with deep emotion and longing glance into the past.

What if you become sentimental about a living being? Merging the past and the present where past emotions and present physicality battle to take precedence in the beholders eyes. Is there a right and wrong victor? A battered wife weeps at the better past, an unfaithful lover prays for blindness. How can you choose?

* * *

If you’re stranded on a snow-covered mountain top should you scream for help? Avalanche or ambulance?

Poetry

I'm scared. Confused.
Like I'm peering into the the darkness
and all I see is a light that blinds.

Shell shock. Mortar bombed.
The dust cloud rises up
and obscures what should be clear.

The radio crackles in silence.
Surrounded by a choking warmth
my skin shivers in fere.

How did it come to this?
A hatred of the soft
and the condemnation of the lost.

-Anon, 2009

Yeee ouch

Exams are over. Will it's been over since last Tuesday.

I was trying to be good and I went to a gym class on Friday. Legs, Bums & Tums. A good class and left feeling all worked out, tired but a bit sore. I was sore all day until i went to bed.

Come Saturday.

Getting up in the morning was such a pain. And I mean PAIN. From the waist down. Quads. Hamstrings. Calves. And all the tendons and ligaments were twitching and straining and refused to hold my body upright or move me around the room smoothly.

I walked down to the city to try and walk out the built up lactic acid in my legs. MISTAKE. After a relatively pleasant stroll around the city for a few hours, I was walking back past city hall when my left leg decided to seize up and stop working and decided to tell me by sending shooting pains every time i tried to put any pressure on my knee.

All I can say is OUCH. and still ouch.

Solitudeness

I feel like I'm in a white washed bubble. Something like the white room/place in the Matrix. Cept I'm there all by alone feeling sorry for myself.

Sounds so pathetic.

Oh well. I'll take a gander round and see if I can't find a door or at least some company.

Oh yes. Exams on the 12th, 22nd and 26th.

Good luck to everyone for theirs.

Warwick Games 2009

No Warwick Netball for us this year either. Bus too expensive - 600 pounds. Not enough girls - 7 at the max.

Cardiff and Warwick just don't seem to gel right do they?

Murphy’s law

“When anything can go wrong, it will.”

So far this week has felt like that.

Wanted to go out; it was raining.
Wanted to sell books; bookshop only takes them in on weekends.
Wanted to go to the gym; was carrying a bag of books.
Went to collect something; it wasn’t there.
Went to see someone; they weren’t in.

A summarily short list but it has roll-over consequences. It builds up one after the other. Especially if you haven’t caught a break in between them it feels as if things are ganging up on you.

* * *
On a slightly different tone, I was listening to Liz Phair’s Favourite and while grooving to the rock riff and the lyrical lyrics I realised what kind of songs I like – I like those that make analogies. Similes, metaphors, and all those words you learn in English lit. Lyrics are important of course and everyone is attracted to music that you can relate to. And if you know me (or read my posts) you will know that the weird way I express myself usually involves a lot of analogies like “chocolate covered train with a gooey marshmallow centre” or some nonsense like that. It works for me. I don’t know why.

I suppose I like to imagine things and when it comes to describing something I can’t describe, associating it to something I can visualise helps.

* * *
I only blog when I’m feeling- well, basically when I’m feeling down, or angry, or sad. Usually not when I’m happy. So those massive gaps in time between posts don’t mean that the previous post represents my feelings/thought/emotions until the next post; it means that nothing really twisted my gut till then.

So by the process of analysis, my gut is twisted as we speak.

I feel so F-ed up right now. There is one thing that’s niggling in the back of my mind which although is a small niggle, is a niggle nonetheless. Then there are the other things. The oppressive cloud of gloom and depressiveness that is looming over me. The things mention in the first bit of this post. The fact that I feel lonely – and that’s noone’s fault.

I feel I aught to qualify that last sentence. It’s nothing that anyone else can do about it. There are certain responsibilities and decisions that I have to take on my own shoulders. There are things that only I can do for whatever purpose. Its not that I don’t have friends or rather, that there aren’t friends around, but it’s more like being stuck on a branch that’s so high up that no one can get you down till the fire truck gets there. It’s rather a helpless situation.

There are so many things that I have to do – tomorrow, this week, this year. Its pretty much weighing down on my shoulders (no wonder my scapula have been stiff and sore since Sunday).

It’s only something time will heal. But until then, I feel like crap. I want to punch something.

Wanderlust

I typed this out a while ago. Should tide you over till I get the Penang post ready.

* * *

I’ve never described myself as an avid adventurer. I’m no nature girl, I openly admit that. But I do have an insatiable curiosity about things. There’s never enough that I can learn about something I’m interested in. There’s always got to be something more.

Case in point: Kuala Lumpur.

This sprawling city of old and new, of 3 million odd people, of a multitude of cultures. And if you think about it, no one really knows anyone. I mean, sure there are friends of friends and the whole social networking scene but there’s no actual interpersonal interaction. No one says “good day” while passing on the street. No one thinks twice to look at the person passing them by in the mall. Everyone’s so involved in their own little world that you forget that you’re living in a city (a capital one no less) and your whole universe shrinks to those few people that you decided to pass the time with. And not like that is a terribly bad thing – but it does limit one’s horizon’s somewhat.

I suppose the car culture is partially to blame. As I have come to personally find obtrusive, you simply cannot function in Kuala Lumpur without a car. Public transport is less than hopeless and taxi’s are ripping people off left, right and centre. I think I read somewhere that there are more cars in this city than actual people – which, from a rational standpoint, is stupid. We have road tax. Why pay to keep a car on the road and not driving it half the time? But I can understand the beauty and fascination with cars. I love cars. I love the feel of a good solid car racing down an empty highway to somewhere. Drifting scares me somewhat tho.

But I’m getting off point. Cars and people. Cars are essential metal boxes which allow people to get from point A to B really really quick. And not taking away from the shape and form that they have evolved into but that was their base purpose – basic human transportation. But when you’re sitting in a metal box on wheels you get extremely isolated from everything else. Sure, no one wants to sit in traffic and inhale exhaust fumes but the sense of integration with society melts away. Cars nowadays are soundproof (tire rumble), air-sealed (recycled air-conditioned air) and relatively waterproof. At this point I have to point out the difference between Japanese cars and Continental cars in the sense that the Europeans have regulated that air filters in cars must allow a small percentage of outside air when pumping in cool air-conditioning. Nothing speeds up the conscience of the public than having their own smelly pollution sprayed right back into their face. But granted, the weather over there is different than over here. But even IF, we had cooler temperatures, I doubt the government would be conscientious enough to consider regulating something like that.

I suppose what I’m getting at is the sense of community, or rather, the lack thereof. How can we as a nation expect to strive forward together if we don’t care for the bigger picture? Personally I don’t feel as if the elected government care for the people much so why should I care for the country? I don’t feel obliged to work for a better, more efficient nation when the aforementioned country hasn’t noticeably progressed in the sense of civil liberties or human rights.

Another Year

It feels just like 365 days ago. Same situation. Same circumstances. Heck, even same state of being. Found out in the same place around the same time.

Being a law student sucks balls.

CODE MODULE TITLE MARK RESULT
CL2320 INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY 52 PM
CL2324 LABOUR LAW 45 PM
CL3109 TORT [20] 55 PM
CL3412 LAW OF THE EUROPEAN UNION [20] 58 PM
CL3413 LAND LAW [20] 62 PM

I'm going to drop kick anyone who tells me to be happy with this.
One D, three Cs and a B.

Worse than last year. But I can make my own optimism, thanks.

And to gel it altogether in a whirlwind of "piss-on-Sara Day", I went to bed at 1am, with the thoughts of: I shall get lots of sleep because I have to work tomorrow and awake at 8.30 in the morning. I shall not be tired, nor grumpy because I will be fully rested and full of energy.

But no. In conjunction with "piss-on-Sara Day" I was very rudely awakened by none other than Sin Yew - he not caring that some people have to work in the morning or may be sleeping or doing something that doesn't revolve around him.

Now some of you soft hearts may be saying: Sara, don't be so harsh on the boy. How was he to know that you had work in the morning or tht you were sleeping. He just wanted to let you know that the results were out. You can't blame him for trying to help.

First off: I never asked him to call me. I haven not called him since I've been back. Not that I don't like the guy, but 2 years (18 months) of him is more than enough and I can honestly say that my summer holiday would not be lacking if I did not see him once.
Secondly: Regardless of your intentions, who in their right mind calls anyone at 2.22 in the morning? That's right. Just as I've dozed off into sweet sweet slumber and am comfortably resting in my bed, the SHOCK of getting jolted out of REM sleep and having to 1) figure out what the hell that bloody noise is, and 2) having to be concious enough to know its Sin Yew, realise what he's saying and try and politely get him to bugger off.
Thirdly: If i know anything about Sin Yew, he probably thought it was funny. But that's giving him too much credit. He probably didn't care or think about what I could possibly be doing at 2.22am that warranted him to think that I desperately needed to know at that very minute that results were out.

It boggles the mind.

But I suppose I'm transferring. This morning didn't start off well and the day is probably going downhill. I'm going to keep my head down and my nose clean. I just hope that I can hold it in till I at least get home.

And no, I haven't told my parents yet. They are gonna skin me alive.

Modern News

First off, let me say

Exams are OVER!!!
Yay!
Ok, so my unexplained hiatus of a month or something has been explained fully right?

On to more recent stuff.

Right now, feeling a bit glum.

I can’t help but feel glum when people I know well are glum. And especially if there’s nothing I can do about it.

I like cheering people up! Not out of pride but I like seeing people happy. Very frustrating when there’s nothing you can do about it. ARGH. Sigh.

In other news, I’ve just been called nice. Now nice is not a word I would use to describe me. I can be very mean and horrible at times – after which I feel terrible about. But thank you very much for the compliment and I fully appreciate it and think it’s a great quality to have. I do try and understand people and not prejudge and listen if they wanna talk but make no mistake that I have no qualms in being rude if that’s what it takes to get the point across. After which I will feel terrible about.

Being nice has a certain walkover-pansy-sissy connotation which I don’t agree with.

I guess I am nice. But not all the time.

Accommodating was another adjective that cropped up. I like that one. Tho the people used in the examples I don’t really feel like I was accommodating them, just being patient.

Ok, ok. So it was the Boy that said all that but it made the hairs on the back of my neck prick up. Damn, it’s such an awesome thing to hear but damn, it does place some added pressure to live up to expectations.

Gotta be wary not to “try” and just “be”. In the immortal words of Yoda:

Do or do not. There is no try.

Hah. Easier said than done.
P.S. Lemme just say, this one maybe special.

Good Moaning to you too

Just having checked my Bank Account finances I just remembered something I neglected to include in the past blog posts.

I’ve lost my timesheet for this week.

Which means I don’t get paid.

Let me break it down for you:
I work at the Career Service for Cardiff University as a Student Communications Representative. I work for 2 hours a week (in the contract) and get paid £5.52 an hour.
At the end of the week I collect a time sheet which tells the JobShop (the Univeristy Employment Agency) to pay me for 2 hours work at £5.52 an hour so that comes up to £11.04 per week. However, the Jobshop pays me £12.29 a week for some reason (not that I’m complaining).

So.

Now that I’ve told you that I’ve just lost my timesheet for this week you can see what that means.

I’ve just lost £12.29 out of my own pocket. That's RM73.74!

And it’s not like I can be pissed. It’s my own fault. I’ve looked everywhere! That tiny piece of paper can do wonders for your esteem.

* * *

And I’m having a bad week. As a result of an accumulation of things.

Illud est (i.e.):

• Lost timesheet
• Oceana Incident
• Friday plans gone awry
• London plans gone awry
• Not enough players for Netball
• Shelling out money to book the court for said Netball
• Nothing to do but work (which I should consider a sign that I should actually do work)

* * *

Have I mentioned that I’ve given up chocolate for Easter?

It’s not what’s bringing me down at the moment but I could sure use a dose of some right now.

Just need something to take my mind off everything. Poker, a movie or just walking around with friends! I’ve even lost the will to go window shopping. I think it just depresses me more.

* * *
Is it safe to write with full artistic license yet? There are deep dark secrets bursting to be told!