Back on track

Sorry sorry. I've been busy.

Since Paris it's been all about knuckling down and working hard. Fingers crossed it pays off.

Anyway, mondo stressed. Wasn't so stressed yesterday but things have changed / turned to shite since yesterday.

1. The place I thought I was going to live in during summer - turns out the letting agency has now done a 180 and said no, you can't stay there. Which would have been a fine thing to say 3 months ago. Not now. How the heck am I supposed to find a place to stay in one month. Looks like I'm going to be homeless from July.
   
   
2. Job hunting is also going nowhere. I've applied and applied. And applied. I feel... unemployable. There was a news article in the Daily Mail (of all places) of this girl who had sent over 200 applications for jobs and gotten none and she committed suicide. Depressing thought! She only had A-Levels so I thought, hey, I've got a degree and soon a post-grad! I should do better! Wrong. Well wrong so far anyway. Not to worry, I don't think I'm suicidal. Heavily worried about my future and almost immobile with fear, but not suicidal.
   
   
3. Last assessment looming. I'm really putting my all into these last ones. I haven't gotten all the grades I've wanted so far so it's all or nothing now. I should have worked harder during the last ones. Well, at the time I thought I did ok, but who knows. Please just give me a few more VCs. Please. I shouldn't please you. I should be slapping myself and shouting Come-on!

To France in a couple of days. I've started doing waitressing work with a recruitment company in Cardiff so I've got some jobs lined up before and after I go. I really want the security of a contracted or permanent job though. I have to pay my own rent and everything from July onwards. I've never had to do that before...

So if any of you have spare wishes or prayers left, if I could squeeze in a little corner of that to say help please that would be cool. If not, I understand that you have better things to do than be kind to the less fortunate. I'm sure you're feeding orphans in Africa or caring for sick puppies or something like that.

* * *

Back to the topic of France...

I really am excited to go. Well I was more excited to go a few days ago but the burden of recent events has somewhat diminished that light. If only I could go to Saint-Etienne and come back and all my problems were solved! I'd have a place to live and a great job. That's really all I want from life now.

So when can I open my present?

January Heigh Ho

So the new year has started and in full swing too.

1. It's started snowing! In Cardiff! It snowed on Tuesday. And its forecasted to snow on Wednesday too. Its really amazing to look at, I would be thoroughly more excited about it if not for no. 2 below. Also, as I sit here typing this, there are snow tourists (as I call them) playing in the snow outside. Ah, winter rookies...
2. I've started on a mini-pupillage and I have to go to Pontypridd really early Weds morning. Which means I have to tramp through the snow. Hopefully it's not too slippery. This is the first job-type thing that I've gotten on my own in Cardiff! The Careers Service thing wasn't as serious. I'm not getting paid for this but it's valuable experience! And looks damn good on my CV. And the bloke I'm following to court is really nice. Yay!
3. Getting down with work for next semester. Which starts in less than a week! Next Monday! Yikes!
4. Crisis talks over with The Boy. I guess its ok to call them that now its more or less over with but it was like red alert for a few days. It really felt like the US and Japan negotiating to prevent nuclear fallout. Amazing how inflated situations feel when your neck deep in. Water under the bridge. Moving onwards and upwards!

* * *

More on The Boy.

I think I may have ranted rather unfairly with regards to his position. I know I'm in the habit of making excuses for the Boys I like but usually I have a checks to reassess my position on things. I was lacking two rather critical components of my check and balance system: the check and the balance.

Not talking back the pent up frustration evident in the previous postings, but now with a better understanding of where we stand and a better system of communication, I'm feeling a lot better about us, and as a result, me.

Wounds need to be licked and be allowed to heal before anything else hits us for a doozy.

On that note - don't worry, be happy, love.

* * *

I've been watching several old Eighties films lately - Highlander, The Princess Bride - not to mention so recent ones - Dorian Gray, The Forbidden Kingdom - and I've come to cringe at them for the same reason - the weak female characters.

The Eighties films can be forgiven for that period in time when there was no such thing as a strong female lead - until Ripley in the Alien franchise. The recent movies attempt to balance a macho male lead with a strong yet weak female lead. All or nothing boys! If you are going to make a female character prominent, don't make her kick ass for most of the movie, only for her to miserably fail at the climax. Firstly it make no sense that they survived/succeeded so far only to mess up when it counts and secondly, as a plot device, your only achievement would be to alienate your female audience that you so desperately wanted to get pulled in by that character. If the main lead can succeed throughout all the obstacles, why can't the other character? I'm not saying a happy ending just because she's female, but because it would make sense to. Specifically in Dorian Gray, granted, he's played by Ben Barnes *drool* but falling helplessly in love after one day with a man almost your father's age is extreme, even for a suffragette. At least give her a bit more personality other than being smiley, pretty and able to charm a jaded old man. It's not impressive.

Fave female character so far: Mary in the new Sherlock Holmes movie. Forget Irene Adler. Mary symbolises what I would consider a good balance between the good old and the strong new. She's pretty, polite, well mannered and classy. At the same time, witty, smart and unafraid to tell you what's what. At she does it al while still being feminine. There's a difference between being feminine and being a feminist and while I think both are strong, one embraces what women have, while the other chases what we don't have. It's important to keep both in mind when finding one's strengths.

I always find it amusing that while men are physically stronger, they always want what women have. Women don't have penis envy. Sorry to burst your bubble, boys. We are (or at least should be) happy to be frank and beans free.

* * *

I want to get a Brazilian wax one day. Just to try it. There's this thing called the Brazilian rush. Sounds fascinating...

New uh... something

I feel like screaming.

Screaming out of frustration. Screaming out of anger. Screaming out of joy. A whole convulsion of emotions and there’s no right way to express them.

My whole body is twisted up in knots and those knots in unbreakable elastic bonds to another, miles away. I want to pound on the floor and beseech the sky to open up and drown me.

I have been watching RSC’s Hamlet in BBC iPlayer. Can you tell?

Ok, enough with the dramatics.

In truth, there’s not much to be all emotional about anymore. There’s a yes or a no and the answer is which path you take. Unfortunately I can’t help but wonder what will happen down that path. I worry so much about the next step that I forget to enjoy the last one I took. It’s a shit way of going but its what I’m used to.

I wish it were different but how can I complain when so many have gone down the same path and have gone so much further than me? Is there something wrong with me? Should I just stand still?

The problem with me is that I stop to look at the map and stop and ask directions that I never really get to where I’m going and I hardly enjoy the ride. Maybe if I had a car. Or a bicycle. Or at least knew where the heck I’m going.

* * *

HAPPY NEW YEAR! also

Numb Bum

Have you ever sat on your bum so long that it becomes uncomfortable and you have to keep shifting your weight to get some feeling into that area?

Have you ever sat on your bum so long that it begins to hurt when the bottom of the pelvis digs into the seat cushion?

Have you ever sat on your bum so long that it stops hurting and begins to go painfully numb?

Have you ever sat on your bum so long that you can semi-feel the blood pooling at the butt tissues?

Have you ever sat on your bum so long that it stops hurting altogether and your bum feels like a big squishy cushion because there's no more feeling down there?

I just have. It's weird.

Balance

Oh dear,

I have become what I hated the most. Too many cutesy posts and none with actual intellectual substance. Exams are not to blame for this drain of blog post uncreativeness. I've just been too happy with life and/or otherwise preoccupied with the Boy and work and so forth to dwell on the darker side of society and existance.

After reading some of my older posts and their comments, I feel like I have lost some good readers in favour of sunshine and sparkles.

I do promise to write something more thought-provoking after the Exams end.

Till then!

Damn browsing

While wasting time on the notorious social network site of my choice, I've been browsing thru a few of my 2nd and 3rd degree friend pages. Out of sheer boredom, I guess I end up wondering what my long lost comrades are getting up to.

I don't know about you but there hasn't been the influx of love-ness that there was last spring - maybe because spring hasn't hit yet. Regardless, I've got to admit that quite a few people who I have as friends are practically married to their other half. And I don't mean that in a "I shall get engaged to my sister so that creepy people won't add me" kind of thing - I mean real couples in (freakishly) long relationships.

I've got nothing against that. It just got me thinking.

I can list a few couples that I know of personally that have been going on for at least 3-4 years now. Not to mention the couples of which I only know one of them. Are all my buddies growing up and growing old together? It's hard to believe that only a few years ago, people were breaking up and making up like it didn't matter. But back then, it didn't really.

I can't help but compare them to my parents generation. And by that I mean who they're with. Practically 80% of the couples I know met in school. I don't know about you but my parents didn't meet in school. One of my friend's parents met in Uni but I only know 1, out of possibly 20 sets of parents that I know, that met in school - and I don't even know the parents, just their story.

So is true love the new love? Are the days of office romances a thing of the past? Will our generation be the high school sweetheart generation - living out the fantasy that our parents, grandparents and teenage chic lit tell us about?

Or is it (pessimistically) too early to say? None of my batch have gotten hitched - yet. Coming into our twenties, it makes you consider your future together. Do you grow up and change together? Or do priorities change and diverge?

I'll get back to you on that in about 5 years or so.

What's really quite niggling me: why am I am late starter, so to speak.
Credit that I never fit in (or wanted to fit in) with the cool crowd in school - I did my own thing and I don't regret it. High school romances are notorious for being short-lived and just a phase. Not that I didn't have my share of crushes, but who wants to be remembered as a blip in a guy's "love life". The one romantic thing that happened to me in school doesn't even register on my numerical count any more. Tragic.

For some reason I tend to make relationships hard for myself. Well, not intentionally, but I get drawn into all the difficult to manage situations - long distance, cheats, apathy. Not such a good track record I must say.

However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. What light, I hear you ask? I suppose, learn from the mistakes, spot the signs early and never stop hoping. I don't mean be naive, but it's very easy to become jaded. And when you don't try, things just happen naturally. It's like falling into your stride - walk, skip, run. You have to be comfortable with yourself and what you want and only then you know if you are comfortable with whoever comes along.

And plus, guys hate desperate.

Mad, Madder, Mental

Things that are making me mad:

• Tash and I found the PERFECT house. Chern doesn't want to put down the non-refundable agency fee. I will be furious if we lose this house.
• I've spent the last 10 days negotiating with Phoenix Garden about Chinese New Year and sending out email after email asking the committee about what they want and now it's all shot down the drain. What is the point in doing all this work if it doesn't matter anyway?
• The Cardiff European Games are coming up and nothing is settled yet. Certain persons are implying that their life is so busy that they couldn't bother replying emails with a simple yes or no. I'm sorry, where was it stated that I have to give up my life so that you can deal with yours?
  

I swear, if I die of anything it will be DEATH BY BUREAUCRACY.

What is Love?

Quite a subjective question? A question where personal experiences can’t truly be separated from the subject matter at hand. It was on of those lonely boring nights where I decided I would take the question up with the general public – my general public that is.

Here are the responses that I got when I asked some of my friends “What is Love?”

"as far as i'm concerned, love is an excuse by mankind to dignify the lust that they feel for another during one point or another, it's a chemical reaction in the brain that lasts about 90 days (honeymoon period) proven by many scientists who really have too much time on their hands and don't get laid that often...
love is also a varying degree of admiration and acceptance garnered by one towards another
though in mine eyes it is the work of the DEVIL AAAAAAARGH
hahahahaha"

"God is love"

"Love is... that feeling inside when you look at the one you [love] . Its the feeling like you wanna be there for them when you can and you ALWAYS wanna be around them even when you have no reason to be.
Love is wanting to learn more about that person
Wanting to grow with that person
Love has different levels. Not puppy [love] and all that but [love] to different ppl. You do not [love] your gf the same way you [love] your parents.
There is [love] for siblings and [love] for a [love]r and for me, [love] to God.
But the one I told you about just now is of course, [lover] for a [love]r
Well, in general, I dont need to tell you about [love] of parents or God. Love for God is something else also
But when you [love[ someone, you cant seem to get that someone outta your head. You will feel happy when you think about her thought (sic) for guys, they sometimes dont express it that much.
Yea I am under the [love][sick] situation right now."

"warm fuzzy feeling and makes you skip and smile the whole time"

"hm
being a girl on her period and allowing someone to eat the last piece of chocolate and not killing them for it
cos u know that u can
and u know that they will take it
and u know that even if u dont kill them they will probably buy u more chocolate in the future
and that even if thye dont buy u chocolate in the future u still wont kill them cos its probably due to their lack of realisation that u REALLY NEED chocolate on ur period
hm
yes
and that once they realise all that they will probably laugh and thnk ur rly funny (in a nice way)
and u STILL wont seriously kill them properly
(and the same goes reverse, with something equivalent to periods and chocolate in guys - eg crashing their car)
oh oh and even if u kill them really badly they wont run away
cos its lik
not part of the imagination
intense yars"

"hmm
love is not just about loving someone wholeheartedly
it is more than that
love is based on acceptance, giving and understanding
and not forgetting tolerating
each other
and because of love, u want the other party to be happy regardless of how hurt or sad u are"

"it's something that can't be described in words
well..
i cant put it into words at least"

"Love is a feeling where u like someone and to da extent where it cant be defined..
lol"

"o.O
since there is no response...i would say...
Love is everything"

I won’t put what I think, mainly cos this post really isn’t about me. I did initiate this post as a search for an answer but ultimately there isn’t one. You make it all up as you go along.
I gotta say, I wholeheartedly agree with my best friend (her quote's up there) - if ya'll know me at all, you'll know which one I'm talking about.

Wanderlust

I typed this out a while ago. Should tide you over till I get the Penang post ready.

* * *

I’ve never described myself as an avid adventurer. I’m no nature girl, I openly admit that. But I do have an insatiable curiosity about things. There’s never enough that I can learn about something I’m interested in. There’s always got to be something more.

Case in point: Kuala Lumpur.

This sprawling city of old and new, of 3 million odd people, of a multitude of cultures. And if you think about it, no one really knows anyone. I mean, sure there are friends of friends and the whole social networking scene but there’s no actual interpersonal interaction. No one says “good day” while passing on the street. No one thinks twice to look at the person passing them by in the mall. Everyone’s so involved in their own little world that you forget that you’re living in a city (a capital one no less) and your whole universe shrinks to those few people that you decided to pass the time with. And not like that is a terribly bad thing – but it does limit one’s horizon’s somewhat.

I suppose the car culture is partially to blame. As I have come to personally find obtrusive, you simply cannot function in Kuala Lumpur without a car. Public transport is less than hopeless and taxi’s are ripping people off left, right and centre. I think I read somewhere that there are more cars in this city than actual people – which, from a rational standpoint, is stupid. We have road tax. Why pay to keep a car on the road and not driving it half the time? But I can understand the beauty and fascination with cars. I love cars. I love the feel of a good solid car racing down an empty highway to somewhere. Drifting scares me somewhat tho.

But I’m getting off point. Cars and people. Cars are essential metal boxes which allow people to get from point A to B really really quick. And not taking away from the shape and form that they have evolved into but that was their base purpose – basic human transportation. But when you’re sitting in a metal box on wheels you get extremely isolated from everything else. Sure, no one wants to sit in traffic and inhale exhaust fumes but the sense of integration with society melts away. Cars nowadays are soundproof (tire rumble), air-sealed (recycled air-conditioned air) and relatively waterproof. At this point I have to point out the difference between Japanese cars and Continental cars in the sense that the Europeans have regulated that air filters in cars must allow a small percentage of outside air when pumping in cool air-conditioning. Nothing speeds up the conscience of the public than having their own smelly pollution sprayed right back into their face. But granted, the weather over there is different than over here. But even IF, we had cooler temperatures, I doubt the government would be conscientious enough to consider regulating something like that.

I suppose what I’m getting at is the sense of community, or rather, the lack thereof. How can we as a nation expect to strive forward together if we don’t care for the bigger picture? Personally I don’t feel as if the elected government care for the people much so why should I care for the country? I don’t feel obliged to work for a better, more efficient nation when the aforementioned country hasn’t noticeably progressed in the sense of civil liberties or human rights.

Happy Crappy Day

Right so there is a sudden influx of horrible mixed emotions which I just can’t deal with.

I am HAPPY cos I passed all my modules and don’t have to go back to Cardiff to resit which means I get to spend until September with The Boy who is flying back after his Graduation.

I am fking BUMMED OUT cos The Boy got a Third Class which means that he can’t do Masters OR BVC and is going to do the CLP in KL which means that after I go to Cardiff I won’t see him for 2 years cos I won’t be flying back to KL until after the Bar.

I am STUBBORN cos I know if I ask any of my friends (and by any, I mean ALL) what to do they will be like: “I might not work in the long run/you haven’t had enough time together/etc etc” and the end result would be complete and utter relationship failure. So I refuse to tell them my situation and have to deal with the same advice being spouted from different people.

I am CONFUSED and TORN between wanting to make it work cos I like him so much and cutting my losses and forgoing a painful break-up in the future. Which sounds better to you? Ending it now on the presumption that I might get hurt (some may consider this a definite result anyway) or Keep sticking by it and seeing where it ends up – sad break-up scenario now avoided.

I am tempted to recall the few long distance relationships that a couple of my friends are in but they are only relevant to the point where it’s long distance. And how can expect him to juggle the time difference AND do his course well – it’s just not fair on him.

I suppose it’s pretty clear where I stand on this issue. If it were anyone else but me, I have a slight inkling of what I would say:

do what you feel is best for you. Be aware of what you’re risking but if you’re sure that it’s worth the risk, go for it.

I hate giving up. I’m no quitter. I’m an eternal optimist and I believe there is real potential in everyone – unless they demonstrate otherwise. LDRs can be done. They can. I have seen the proof. But yes, I know everyone is different and it’s not like relationships are without their difficulties but this just seems: 1) very difficult given the timing and distance (and freaking time difference) and 2) extremely déjà vu.

I feel like a sucker for punishment.

That being said, and after rambling on about justifying my reasons and being balanced about the whole thing, there is one selfish request I will allow myself to ask of him, but only once.

INTERNATIONAL GRADUATE SCHEME. It’s just one more year! And it’ll look freaking ace on your CV!

There. I’ve said my peace. And if you wanna know more about the IGS thing puhlease don’t hesitate to ask! Working at the Careers Service has its perks (Come on! I could SO hook you up!).

Edit: I don't blame The Boy for anything. It's just something we have to deal with.

Edit: I have talked to Lea and I feel a lot better. She says we can commiserate together!

Quickie Numero Duex

This time i have to run out cos I'm supposed to go play badminton with some buddies.

Just been speed-reading thru some previous posts and although I hate doing retractions or qualifying anything I write - what with my current mood right now - I feel like it was so very melodramatic.

The panic attacks and freak outs are still quite vivid in my subconscious and by no means do I discredit their legitimacy or foundation for being, but OMG, I can really let it all out huh?

Yes yes, all I wrote down then is and was real at the time.

Just that when you're feeling pretty happy and all is good with the world, its hard to believe that you could ever be so stupid.

And this post is getting closer and closer to marshmellow central...

Which reminds me:
Lea: Remember what I said about the inevitable and unavoidable train crash? Well that train has turned into a marshmellow choo-choo driven by unicorns and filled with a soft chocolatey centre.
For anyone else: don't even bother to try and figure out what that means ;)

Minor Melodies

Today is Good Friday and being Catholic (admittedly, not a good one) I should take at least some time out to appreciate His sacrifice for us. Now I don't wanna go all gospel-truth and everything so this is my Thanksgiving time:

• Thanks that we have someone to believe in when times get tough
• Thanks for that really good book that has really good sayings in it
• Thanks for being the One who loves us unconditionally
• Thanks for being selfless and setting an example
• Thanks for showing us the meaning of LOVE.

There are some more but it'll make this blog sound a bit too religious so I'll just leave it at that.

* * *

I've had quite a number of friends throughout the years and its natural that you lose touch or just drift apart. But there are those whose friendship you lose suddenly and maybe without warning. It's not so hard when you are the one initiating the divide but its awful when you are the one being cut off. And even harder in a subtle passive-aggressive manner.

There are occasions where even sorry can't fix the most minor of wounds because even thought everything looks alright on the surface, it cuts straight down into the core. Those, only time can mend.

I've never been good at fixing deep wounds that I've caused. Could never find the right words or get the timing right. Always with my foot in my mouth or just gabbing off random rubbish to try and make them feel better.

Basic emotions I can deal with. Happiness. Sadness. Anger. Because for those, there is a corresponding opposite emotion that one can try and evoke to counteract the present one.
Complex emotions like frustration and confusion are more deeply rooted within a person and it takes a deeper understanding of that person's personality and experiences to be able to connect with them. I'm a guesser, I don't know much.

But I know this. I'm a simple creature. No really, I am.
I say what I mean - always. Especially if I'm being serious.
I mean what I say - hand on heart, hope to die.
I have a tendency to be sarcastic when defensive.
I joke a lot about everything but when I say I'm being serious I mean serious.

If you can't tell: look at my face and you'll see what I mean.
Grinning = I'm kidding
Smiling = Keep it lighthearted
Frowning (with sideways mouth) = Thinking hard
Gritted teeth = Angry

*Biting lip; Looking away = Lying.

* * *

Like I said. I don't know what else to say. I don't know what to say. I've said all that I can think of. That's all I have to say, I guess.

I know I don't know

I have no freakin idea what I'm doing anymore.

I'm not even writing this post properly like I should (MS Word, then notepad then Blogger Compose!).

I don't know whether to say something or not bring it up, or just ignore it or see what's going on.

Normally I can rationalise and say "You know what. I'm going to do this, this and this. And this and this will happen." But you all know how it is when emotions get in the way. There's the scared bit and the anxious bit and the I-Don't-Know-What-I'm-Doing-So-I'm-Just-Winging-It Bit.

Its kinda like my head's exploded and I don't know how to put all the wires back in the right place. There is a manual (logic) but it's like there's a monkey stealing my tools (emotions). And you can go and enjoy that little piece of imagery right there.

Like I said. I just want this week to be over with. And to be honest it's not because of the timesheet or anything like that.

And the problem I have isn't going to be over once this week is over either. It'll only be done with once I get the balls to face it. And I'm slowly wimping out here.

* * *

I've got this thing, right? And it's been stomped. Shit. Flat as a pancake. Metaphorically speaking. EUGH. This should not be happening. I'm so piss furious at myself.

This! Again! Should know better, girl. Should know better.

Making sense of my Fallible definitions

Sara’s Social Interaction Gradient.

The following lists out the different and segregated levels of Social Interaction as interpreted by yours truly.

• Hanging Out – The more the merrier. Primary purpose is to just goof around and do general brain flushing activities.
• Casual Dating – Almost the same as Hanging Out but the intention is to get to know the other person better.
• Serious Dating – Progressive from Casual. Mutual Attraction. Romance starts here.
• Courting – That semi-awkward period where you both wanna get serious and committed but neither are willing to ask. Also known as the “Bubble Phase”.
• Couple Status – The Boyfriend/Girlfriend Stage. Congrats. You are now in a relationship. Whoopdee-frickin-doo.
  

Pardon me if I sound a bit cynical but it’s not like I’ve experienced the upside to this scale at any point. In hindsight, I suppose you could consider it a mental progression into Romance.

The main reason I figured I had to put down this list (and Lea agrees with me here) is cos of past misunderstandings with members of the opposite sex.

He says: Let’s go out.
I say: Ok.

He means: Let’s be a couple!
I mean: Let’s go hang out.

And you can see where it can all go horribly wrong.

Stupid high school, hormonally driven boys.
(Well it lasted like a week. Who says “I Love You” after a week?)

And then there are the ones that take the flirting seriously. And I know it’s cruel to lead people on and I always stop it before it gets too bad. And I always clarify that I just mean to be friends. Unforch, it’s cost me a few friends and a few broken hearts (that have happily mended I’m pleased to say).

Ok, as a disclaimer to that last paragraph, there are those to whom flirting is intentional and are intended to produce results.

* * *

The thrill of the hunt.

I really think like a guy sometimes. And I know some of you will hate me after this next bit.

You know how guys have this biological urge to spread their seed? I think I’m the anti-matter to that. Not that I’m the female version but the thrill of the chase is soooo much fun.

Flirtatious banter should never end between couples I think. It’s what makes having an other half fun to be around. Kinda shows that the attraction never dies, ya’know?
The last one turned into a squatting toad after we got thru the couple stage.

And I make a terrible girlfriend I think. Clingy, needy and jealous. I think jealous goes with the territory but the first two are probably by-products of the neglect of that idiot Ex.

* * *

Enough depressive crap.

I have just finished a whole half-pack of sour gummies. And didn’t eat anything else all day. No, not anorexic (Did you not read about the gummies?). Dunno, just didn’t feel like making anything to eat. Nothing I can think of to make to eat in the kitchen.

* * *

Cardiff Games (22^nd March 2008)

Not enough players for netball! I’m going out of my mind! It’s so not fair. Dammit. And we could beat the Bruneians too. We can’t host the Games and NOT send a team. That’s just pathetic.

* * *

Oh and as I’m going back to KL in the Summer, Sin Yew has tagged along my flight and is apparently booking tickets. This will be my last Summer in the tropics! Its 3^rd year, then BVC. Parents want me to stay in the UK and “not go back to Malaysia”. Gotta find a house next session.

A bit of a random post but I’m all drained out after doing Labour Law tutorials and staring at my Laptop all day.

* * *

I refuse to use the phrase “Ciao” to sign off anything. Its stupid and poser-ish and a blatant attempt to try and seem “cool”. A simple “bye” will do for me.

Bye.

Oh dear, where'd all the hot water go?

The best blog posts of mine are carefully thought out and descriptively worded in a place of solitude and peace and calm i.e. the shower.

1. The “m” key is being a pain in the ass and not pressing when it’s supposed to. Which leads to repressing and retyping of words which is a waste of time and is making me more annoyed than usual. I think it started like a week ago and it’s still not fixed!

2. Warwick Games

Not going. Why? Because the bus broke down AND we don’t have enough players for the team.

THIS is why I am seriously pissed. I WAS feeling gutted but now I just want to vent. ARGH!

What happened, I hear you ask (silently)? This is what happened:

Saturday, 15^th March

• Got a text message from Iman (Netball Sports Coordinator) saying that there are technical difficulties with the coach and that we can’t go. I wonder: what technical difficulties?
• Saiful swings by and we eat beef rendang (slightly burned, but edible-ish) and I tell him that the netball team isn’t going. He is shocked.
• He calls Pijan (MSSCF Sports Sec). Finds out the bus broke down and the football boys are taking cars to Warwick Games. I wonder: why can’t the girls take cars too?
• Jeremy (Footie boy) IMs and is concerned that we are not going. He calls Pijan (Sorry Pijan! Didn’t mean to sic 2 guys on ur butt).
• Jem volunteers his friend’s car, subject to insurance matters and finding a driver.
• Manage to convince Saiful to drive to Warwick (!)
• Call Iman. 3 times. No response.
• Iman calls back.
• Tells me that even with transport issues sorted, we don’t have enough players. Mun and Niz are injured and that leaves us with 6 players – short of 1 for the minimum of 7. I wonder: any possibility of getting them to play anyway.
• She calls me back and tells me there’s no way they will be fit to play.

I am GUTTED.

Seriously, I don’t wanna think about it anymore. The more I think about it the more frustrated I get and then I tend to snap at people and say mean things.

3. I told you that so I could tell you this:

Actually no, but I always wanted to say that!

This bit’s about Boy Issues. I have deduced, while meditating is calming warm water, that if somehow I have delivered mixed signals to unintentional target that steps should be taken to rectify said misconceptions. Here, in two parts, are my main problems:

Male #1

Unknown and unintended signals were allegedly sent. Spotted by external third party. Sender (me) warned of possibility of signal misunderstanding and actions were taken to clarify with sendee (Male #1). Sender wary of signals sent to sendee but after clarification with parties involved, is able to communicate at own discretion.

However, third party further warns of deception on the part of the sendee with regards to understanding the clarification. Sender is so warned and remains wary but does not act as paranoid as before.

Problem: Sender has already clarified with sendee but has been further notified of possible deliberate falsehood of understanding.

Male #2

Intentional signals were sent. Unknown if received and/or understood. Interference in the form of social lubricant may have caused cross wiring, garbled transmissions or various forms of miscommunication. Signals sent at rare and brief occasions. Sendee (Male #2) eventually returns signals but sender is unclear of meaning. Unable to clarify signals as sendee–sender status is unstable. Sender has decided to stop sending signals as sendee is not of permanent status.

Problem: Sender is unsure whether to keep sending mild signals as is unsure of sendee translation of signals.

*No names, as to protect my dignity. Sigh.

Not to say I don’t know what to do – I hashed out my plan of action already – but some unbiased suggestions would be nice. Just to see if I’m on the wrong track or just really not sane.

4. Non-emotional stuff

Thursday

Went to TigerTiger. Via Liquid [closed], Revolution [age restrictions] and Walkabout [it was mentioned]. Not that many people but danced my arse off anyway. Got drunk as a skunk (how drunk do skunks get? Anyone know?) but no puking – that is and will be the rule. Didn’t feel drunk, just really free and having lots of fun. According to Saiful, I was a 7 on the Sober(1)-Wasted(10) Scale. And that’s pretty far along. The last time I got to maybe a 7 was at Elisa’s 16^th. I tend to hold back but I didn’t feel like it this time.

Friday

Drink the Bar Dry! But I’ll get to that.

Work – real paid work – from 12pm to 2pm. Woke up at 11.30 for it. Still not feeling awake.
Netball training from 3-6pm. Took a 30 min nap from 2.10pm to 2.40pm. Decided to go see the play.
8pm. Ran to the Sherman Theatre. The Almond and the Seahorse. Basically a theatre show about 2 couples and lost memories due to Traumatic Brain Injuries (TBI). Good acting and brilliant scripting. 8 pounds well spent.
Hopped over to Ambala for (what else) Lamb Briyani!
Decided to go to the Taf and check out the Drink the Bar Dry event. Cheap drinks. Got boring.
Went to Solus. More fun. At least there was music. Couldn’t dance at first because of food baby ala Ambala. By time food baby stopped trying to leap out my throat, music went weird. Last 5 or so songs were pleasantly a nice balance between closing the club and happy emo rock.
Wasn’t tired but didn’t really wanna hang at Shaq’s house and play poker so took a stroll to Julies place and crashed in her living room. Regaled by the mistress of the house herself of the delicious *sarcasm* and nutritious blend of chicken chowder, pepper and Lingams Chilli sauce.
Music tv was on-and-off good and sucky. Left at around 4am.
Didn’t sleep till 6.30 thanks to a restless soul who tricked me into learning what spooning was (over the phone ppl! Stop thinking dirty thoughts.)

Saturday

Woke up at 3pm thanks to a call from a freaked out Saiful wanting to come over and listen to the United game (Derby-United 0-1!). Declined only to get a further half an hour sleep after which I woke up and proceeded to waste my Saturday.

Bummed around till about 7. Saiful popped over after buying beef and we made beef rendang (see above).Chern joined us and we had a little picnic in my room complete with oranges and sparkling juice – which tasted slightly fermented.

* * *

And here we are. Back to the Present.

I should really work on my tutorials.

NAH. Later. ;o)

Greetings old friend

It's been a while but hello again!

Granted, some inspiration towards writing has come in the form of late/early sleep times, new blog readings and the first and second seasons of How I Met Your Mother.

I suppose I should do lists, since I find it easier to list things at this ungodly hour than form actual paragraphs.

1. People I Know In Cardiff and Labels/Identities

• Chern - Third Floor Hallmate and closest thing to a best friend here. Knows me better than I know myself - scary! Cooking companion and all round hardworking gal. Avid ballet dancer and food-unwaster. Would go mental without.
• Saiful - Token Malay Boy. No, just kidding. Best Gay Non-Gay Guy Friend Ever. And by that I mean he is given the "Gay Best Friend" label without being gay. We click. And it's cool.
• Su-Ann - Sister in Surname. Also Floormate. And fellow HELPian. Met by proxy and knowledgeable big sis. Smarty pants but that's ok.
• Divan – Fellow Man United supporter and one of the few Indian Malaysians we have here. Exceedingly smart and downright nice guy. Aberdare intruder but that’s ok.
• Danny – Fun when sober. Even more fun when drunk. Bucket loads of charisma. Loves a good joke and has suspicious taste in music. Great actor and would make a hilarious comedian one day. You know, if this whole law thing doesn’t pan out.
• Gin Jhen – Doesn’t own a proper coat. Smooth talker and friendly (maybe too friendly) guy. Favourite game: Fishing. Fun to flirt with – we know what’s up. Fun to make shit up around too – he plays along!\
• Sumitra – Uber tall and uber skinny. Not sick skinny, just like tall skinny. Knows how to dress.
• Yvonne – Aberdare Hallmate. Used to live next door but moved to catered. Smart as a button and Library resident. Crazy neat small print hand writing.
• Shih Yin – Controversial new mover to Cardiff. Quiet and reserved but definitely a sweet girl. Seems shy and really needs to be more proactive.
• Jeremy – Social Secretary together with TK (below). Fellow Law sports person, tho he actually makes the team. Great social drinker and fun drunk dancer. Likes his emo music and emo movies (and sucker for anything Wes Anderson touches). Poker buddy in real life and msn. Looks good in a suit.
• Teck Kang – Social Sec along with above. Mr. All-Rounder and MSSCF enthusiast. A whiz with movie editing and graphics design. Architecture student, I think. Lives in same house as Alice.
• Alice – Sweet sweet girl. Would fit in in a 50s movie. Always smiling no matter what.
• Ili Liyana – FOD Producer, Director and Scriptwriter. Super hard worker and is so kind it’s cruel. Respected, saluted and seen for the wonder she is. Quote Lion King.
• Julie – Party hardy. See Above for FOD Description. Is fierce – in the Tyra Banks way.
• Nina – More fun than a barrel of monkeys. Grinds with the girlies. Only at parties. Always up for a drink.
• Nash – Would do anything for Julie. Ditto Party description. Sweet yet high pitched voice.
• Aziah – Totally gorgeous. Has “shaggable hair.” Knows how to dress up and make it look easy.
• Shaq – Lives in a very smokey house filled with various smokes. Malaysian music fan and guitar player. Makes awesome curry.
• Salad – Good boy. Med student. Asked me advice about something. Bonded a bit. Cheeky bugger tho.
• Mo (Farah) – Cute little clubbin gal. First yr Accounts and Finance. Really knows how to party smart.
• Tash (Farah) – Has absolutely gorgeous hair. Besties with Mo. Wears fake nails.
• Kamal – Lives in Shaq’s house. Is quite tall I think.
• Sin Yew – From 1st year in HELP. Used to be good friends, and then drifted apart, then good friends again. Likes to annoy/gross out/piss people off just to see what their reaction is.
• Kirsty – Didn’t really like her at first, but finding her alright nowadays. Still ok in small doses. Will up dosage gradually. Has Boy in Malaysia. Sickeningly mushy.
• Hui Lynn – Kirsty’s bestie. Denies lesbian relationship adamantly. Has Boy in London (at time of writing).
• Rowena – Also has Boy in Malaysia but not close. Free spirit and wild child. Born in wrong decade tho I reckon would suffer without modern make-up.
• Charlaine – Gorgeous mixed girlie. Has long term boyfriend – used to be jealous of but is ok with. Calls most people “sweetie” or “hun” but actually means it so it’s ok.
• Jane – Friend by proxy and Aberdare Hallmate. Knows her way around Cardiff.
• Yun Sin – Large in person and larger than life. Great fun when drunk. So bubbly and wears glasses.
• Ivan – Soon-to-be-Ex President of MSSCF (elections are soon). A bit long-winded but well intentioned.
• Rohini – Member of the 4am group! We click from 3-5am. Don’t ask. Likes to dance, but really should drink more.
• Chong – Fun Chinese guy who invented 4C. Cardiff will never be the same again.

I did consider using a numbered list instead of labels but it occurred to me while typing that it would be too much like prioritizing my friends, and that's just something I don't think anyone should do.

2. Recent Occurrings

Festival of Diversity V
Was totally awesome! Should link it. (Will do later.) I played the Laksamana – which is the Admiral guy in the Malaya Royal hierarchy thing. Was supposed to be the Bendahara (Main villain and antagonist) but there were personal issues so I had to be swapped. And it didn’t really wanna sing that song.

Love my newfound FOD family! Great bunch of people! I always tell people (and I bet they are sick of hearing this) that I would never have hung out with all the great people that I did if not for FOD.


Post-FOD Partying
Went to Iota – club/bar in Cardiff. Good company, bad music. What the hell I’ll dance to anything. Actually got bought a drink. Didn’t even try. Wore Orange and Black Dress from Urban & Co. Must remember to buy from them again.
Decided on the wobbly walk home, to get properly drunk at least once more and have drunken stories to relate. Wobbly only because of painful, yet gorgeous shoes. I have the blisters to prove it. So thankful Saiful was sober and a guy and willing to put up with my painful feet.


MSSCF Netballin’
Had practice on Sunday. So fun! I actually woke up and actually went relatively early! If not for the slackers at 11 Colum Road, I would be there on time. But I digress. Practiced with the Bruneians and had a truly fun time. Practice is so much more worthwhile when people actually show up!

Also made my day:
Bruneian very good netballer / coach (I think), who used to play for her country (so I hear) told me, “You have very good footwork. Very good. Well done.”

Sweet! Very stoked and ego-inflated. But I think I owe it to myself to put it down to years of hard work on technique.


Friday Night/Saturday
Loooong Friday night. Went to Shaq’s house (ref above). Kirsty, Saiful, Chong and Sin Yew and I went to play poker.
We played:

• Chor Tai Ti (4 and 2 player versions – I owe Chong a lollipop now)
• Poker
• Xbox (Boy territory)

Ended up playing like a little bit of poker, lots of Xbox and eating the infamous 4C from Chicago.

4C: Chicken, Chips, Curry and Cheese (In no particular order). Tres delish!

Left aforementioned Shaq’s house at 7am. Went to sleep in my very own comfy 2ft-across bed at 8am. Slept till 6.30pm, Saturday. Groggy till 7.30pm. Awake at 8pm. Up till 1am, Sunday. Slept at 1.30am.

Short and sweet summary. Truly fun weekend.

* * *

I’ve made it a point to write in here all the things I have trouble saying out loud. Be it for embarrassing reasons or personal or emotional turmoil, cyber space feels anonymous and therefore private. There are so many other things out there that are so much more interesting that noone could possibly find your blog and if they did, then they probably wouldn’t even know you.

Unless you gave them your blog address in trade. Dammit I shouldn’t have done it.

"Dear Readers (you know who you are),

I have this one rule, and one rule only. You are never, ever to reference any material in this blog in real life EVER. Comments are allowed, welcomed and encouraged, but the leaking of this blog would spell the defragmentation of my mental stability and you wouldn’t want that on your hands, would you?

Yours Sincerely,

Sara."

* * *

Boy Issues have once again cropped up in the new-posting on this blog. Tis not the content but the process that I find hard to do. Censor is something I do not like.

Chern knows. And thinks it’s just how I am. It probably is. And I now know what I feel but it can never be. No matter how much I hope. It’s stupid and it wouldn’t work. I won’t let myself lower standards again. It was fine that one time but from alternate reality to leak into real reality left me really confused. I think that’s just what I needed to sort out. I wanted to be flattered but who am I kidding. It’s probably just the desperation talking. Or just the lack of partying (and aftermath) that I miss.

Man I really need to get drunk and do something stupid.
(End: 4.22am)

P.S. Now that I've been reminded, yes I miss make-outs. The most fun part of PDAs I think. Gross out your friends while showing affection - can't miss! And the closest thing to pre-non-unsex I can think of.
(End: 4.25am)

Triumphs 3 - Disasters 1

FYI, Cardiff said yes.

So I’m definitely going.

Going to have to say goodbye to the Boy. Unless he does something drastic. But that’s entirely up to me and partly up to him. I’m not going to say anything, I’ll just drop the bomb cos there’s no point in trying to whine about something that not gonna change.

What else…

Ah yes. I bought the Everlast shoes I wanted. In beige. OK, the colour is kinda crap and the right shoe is giving me blisters but that’s all to do with my eerily deformed feet and nothing to do with those gorgeous shoes. I wish I had them in green tho. But alas. I couldn’t wait. No more sizes.

* * *

I’ve been stressing lately cos after I found out that Cardiff accepted me, I told parents and they gave me a lecture-life lesson in finances and expenses and working hard and expectations and effort and study tips. Basically the whole shebang. Not that I don’t appreciate what they have to go thru, but I now feel like not going because I feel like a useless parasite. Like a lowly tapeworm. No. Make that “like a tapeworm of a tapeworm.”

Really wasn’t in the mood at all that day. Monday by the way.

Then I called Boy up that night and whined about it. He was slightly helpful. Well, more help than a brick wall but that’s good enough. I reckon I should have called up one of my girlfriends, but it wasn’t that kind of talk. Go figure – I go to him for reassurance and I get “Normal lah.” I just keep asking for it, don’t I? When will I learn… *grins*

And surprisingly, yesterday with the Boy wasn’t bad. Helped him do his assignment somewhat which I don’t really mind. Well, as long as he’s around, I don’t feel annoyed. As long as he’s around or I’m keeping busy. Keep those nasty destructive thoughts at bay.

Went for a nice dinner in Bangsar Villiage (!) at Fish & Co. Yeah, the (!) is cos he rarely ever takes me out on account of a flat wallet. I can’t complain. A treat is a treat. Wish his wallet wasn’t so flat tho. But, it does save me the trouble of having to worry about what he's up to all the time. I think: “I wonder what he’s doing/where he is/who he’s with?” and then I think: “Can’t be anything to worry about, he’s broke.” There is fun to be had without money, but that’s nothing to worry about either. Hah, he whines enough for me to not have to worry. It’s only if he stops whining, then I should be suspicious.

* * *

BBQ at Lea’s tmr and if he can get his assignment done by then, I’m dragging him along. Or maybe not. Still… I need a ride there.

Ponderific.

Singular outpouring of Grief.

I started out with a list of things I wanted to write, just, you know, so I wouldn’t forget. This is pre-Friday.

Now that Friday’s come and effectively gone, I have other things on my mind.

Exam results are below. The breakdown is as follows:
Legal Method and System: C
Contract Law: D
Constitutional and Administrative Law: C
Criminal Law: B
Legal Skills: B

FYI, D is 40-49%, C is 50-59% and so on and so forth. Needless to say, the D pulled me way down and now it all up to the graciousness of the Cardiff University International Department. Will they want a screw-up like me on campus? My friend said that last year the University accepted students who, like me, got one D grade; so all hope is not lost. If the University reject me grades and don’t offer me a place then HELP will help me appeal.

It’s about 10.30pm Friday night writing this and after a day of crying, sleeping and watching telly, I’ve thought some things thru.

So now you know my situation, I have a few things on my mind.

1. I’m a complete wreck. Not now, now that I’ve pulled myself together somewhat (into blogging shape, ain’t bad), but it really hit me hard. I mean. I expected to pass. And I passed. But barely. I mean, what does that say about me as a person? I put almost 100% into preparing for that exam and all I could muster was a pass? And barely at that. [40% is a pass btw]. It’s given my whole self-esteem and self-confidence a huge blow. I didn’t expect As – I was dreaming about it tho – but a D is way below anything I could have possibly hoped for. Consolation: my friend who did all the past year papers and essays only got a B for that paper so I’m not the only one disappointed, he expected an A. And not to say that my results are satisfactory (far from it) but my friend who admittedly studied for the exam papers till 4am in the morning also got a D. don’t know what subject tho.

I don’t blame anyone but myself. I really don’t. I should have tried harder. I don’t know how, but I should have. Done past year papers. Read up more. I did all that I thought I could and should do. I should have done better.

2. How am I going to tell my dad? That’s the thing that freaking me out the most. My mum already knows. But my dad. He’s going to do a Mount Vesuvius. I want mum to tell him. Then he can cool off somewhere where I’m not. I can live with being disappointed in myself. That’s hard enough. But with both parents aiming the blame gun on me (rightly so but still, it’s hurts), I don’t think I could face it at the moment. Circumventing that, I’m locking myself in my room till she tells him. Good thing tmr is Saturday and they both have to go to the office. At least I can sneak out to get something to eat.

Speaking of which I only had toast and milo for breakfast, a jam sandwich and lots of water today. Not really hungry seeing as Aunt Flo decided so aptly to come this morning. And with a truckload of HURT too. So you’ll have to excuse me if I’m feeling moody and grumpy.

3. I wonder how long I can not tell him?

4. I was thinking that if I go, I’ll have to end it with the Boy. I really don’t trust him enough to leave him here while I’m over there. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate. If I end up not going – which is entirely possible now – then things remain to be seen.

He suggested that he would come over today. I was sounding pretty messed up over the phone so maybe he got the hint. I wouldn’t have minded some positive support. However, as usual, he was busy. Another disappointment. Granted, it took my mind off the other ginormously huge disappointment that happened that day, so now I’m thinking that being irritated at him was some sort of projection-hormonal effect. Pity that people get caught in the crossfire of things.

Well he called me up this afternoon about something and we were talking abt my thing and I came off rather hopeless. Dunno whether that irritated him or not. Another thing I was wondering abt.

5. I don’t want to make a big fuss over it. I’m not writing all my tiny petty things so people will feel sorry for me and bake me cookies or send me flowers. I’m sad and depressed and lonely, not dying. Save the pity for someone who wants it. I was in the pity mood a while back. Past that. I guess I just want to be left alone now. I have too many things to think about.

6. The crappy thing about mood swings are the swings themselves. Being moody is fine. Swinging is annoying cos u feel like an idiot and a hypocrite all the time. Fine. I do want some pity. And I do want some attention. Just don’t make me feel like I’m a lost cause. I need… positive encouragement. Not “oh, sorry for your bad grades. I’m sure you’ll do better next time.” Gimme something to work with.

7. Some more Boy issues. How much should I expect him to do? Or try to do? Deep down I want him to try. And that’s not happening. I’m trying. I think. I don’t know what he expects me to do but I’m doing the best I can. I still keep wondering how compatible we are.

8. I can lay out my schedule for the day so you can see how I fared. Would you have done the same?
9am Wake up
10am To the office and breakfast.
12.15pm Check results.
1.30pm Lunch down stairs. I have cramps so I only have hot tea.
2.30pm Go home. Thanks mum.
3pm Cry
4.30pm Sleep
6pm Cry myself to sleep.
7pm Watch TV
10pm Try to sleep again.
10.30pm Call Boy. Still don’t feel any better.
11pm Writing this line. [wow, and that’s exact]

I don’t cry very often. The last time I cried… was period pains and those were just a few tears rolling down and some muffled sobs. The last time I wept was when my rabbit died. Years ago.

9. I am in such emotional and physical pain. I’ve cried my eyes out. Its hurts to blink now, my eyes are so swollen. My nose is clogged. My uterus is being stabbed.

Period cramps are like gastric pains. Same problem, different organ. My theory is that because the blood is coming out, and the uterus is squeezing but remaining swollen and the same size, and that air is going in – and the pain is the uterus squeezing on nothing. Just air. And those of you who’ve suffered gastric problems before, you know it hurts. Cept the uterus isn’t a muscle like the stomach is. It has muscle, but weaker ones so the pain isn’t as sharp.

And my head hurts from the dehydration I think. Yeah, it’s gotten that far.

I will still cry again if I think about whatever it is that happened today and the people it will affect and the problems that I now have to face. As stupid as it sounds, I want to go to sleep and wake up like it’s a nightmare.

Nothing is going right today. There is no silver lining on my cloud.

N.B. Crying is physically and emotionally draining. I now understand how people can cry themselves to sleep. Not that you cry and sob and then sleep. But more like you have a big cry and wail and sob and weep and after the hysterics have calmed down, you feel really tired. And you just don’t want to cry anymore. The crying represents all the pain and sleep is really the only thing that will stop you from remembering what you were crying over. Some ice cream would have helped too but we didn’t have any. I don’t recommend crying to anyone unless you’ve already started. Then you should really just cry it all out. I was sobbing in the car with a huge ball of tissues in my hand. Quite gross.

11.11pm. A good time to sign off. Good night.

Get the Skinny. Shoes, Sex, and Stinking.

I‘ve been thinking about all the things I want to write on my blog and the list is overwhelming.

1. Getting skinny and henceforth eating more
2. What I need to buy – not really necessities but required clothing nonetheless
Which leads to
3. Shoes
4. Elisa and Lea and ThouWhoShouldNotBeMentioned and the whole Sex thing.
5. New label – “Candid”. For relationship things now that not everything is so depressing.
6. Working stinks.
7. Clubbing

Ok, have to get out of the office – finally. So I have to log off. Will continue this later.

-Tuesday, 5.56pm.

* * *

Ok, so I was out for a couple of days not blogging. Good thing I wrote down that list. There is more to add to that but let’s just get started shall we?

1. The skinny.
Fact: My pants are looser. Fact: My wrists are smaller. Fact: I do not own a scale so I go by clothes.
I think its cos of stress. First it was exams. And when that was over with there were scheduling probs with The Boy. During exams I did loose a fair bit of weight but nothing I was too worried about. Then after exams just lying at home, too lazy to fix my own lunch, I lost some more. Then all the worrying about The Boy and how we are and what we are gonna do or not do or whatever. I’m a constant worrier of relationship things as you are well aware.
So as a guess, I have lost a bit of weight as counted by the loosened pants and the lack of inches around my waist.
There is one thing about this that troubles me. I’ve always been quite round and chubby, especially thru the puberty phase and all and I’ve always wanted to lose a few inches around the tummy area. However, when you friends start saying how skinny you are getting, it raises a few flags in my head. Am I skinny-you’ve lost the baby fat, good for you-skinny, or skinny-you’ve lost too much, we are scared you are getting anorexic-skinny?
I mean, I’m happy I look better in t-shirts and things but the lack of ass is annoying. My boobs are still firmly meaty tho.
I do love to eat but my skipping lunch is not really a problem for me anymore. It used to be: skip lunch = whine to mum about dinner. Now it’s: skip lunch = wait for dinner. There is a big diff. I still like to eat but I definitely think my stomach has shrunk. Like after the 30-Hour Famine feeling. The smallest morsel of food makes you satisfied.
And then there is the added fat-burning netball practice – now twice a week till end of June. THAT, plus I’m playing CENTRE. Which means twice the running I’m used too. I need to work on my stamina but with the long hours in the office and the late coming home (from office – I blame parents), I don’t have time to go swimming or even go jogging. And no way’ I’m getting up at 6am to do either. I’m not a morning person.
So: less food – check. More exercise – check. More stress – check. Loss of appetite – check. I’m well on my way to a really unhealthy lifestyle. I want to not work. It would really solve a lot. I think.

2. What I need to buy
Track pants. Tight ones that stick to my legs and don’t flop around like baggy pants. I was thinking Nike – cos of the DriFit fabric, but that’s just cos I have expensive taste. Anything that fits me and isn’t waist high will be fine. I am realizing that shorts during netball are not too comfy. I mean, they are ok, but my legs need airing and if I sit like guys sit to cool down, my shorts are pretty exposed.
New trainers. The ones I bought 3 years ago (that’s right! Time for new ones!) are, um, falling apart. If you can call a bit of rubber on the bottom getting unstuck. I’m so bored with the white ones. I want funky coloured ones. I want the silver and neon green Reeboks that were so comfy! Damn you empty bank account.
A black fabric belt. I know I can get one from 1Utama. 2 belts for RM10. And they are reversible. Which makes it 4 belts for RM10. Not so much a want as a fashion necessity.

Oh. In addition to things I want (for like a present) – Notebook sleeve / holder / bag. Probably from Penskin, Golla, or something else that’s not black, sissy or plain. Really expensive so not expecting any returns on this wish. No harm in trying.

3. Shoes
As above, I want new trainers. I also want the Everlast shoes. I can't find a picture to post up to show you so if you want to know what they are like, just ask. They are RM69.90 by the way and almost out of sizes!

4. ThouWhoShouldNotBeMentioned (Sex)
I took down the name from the last post. Had a lot of questions about that I it kinda felt think I was betraying a confidence so name is down but statement still applies.
Elisa was webcamming me in the office that day so she read it and asked some questions and figured it out. I mean its fine and all to ask me about it. I don’t mind. It’s the whole judgemental thing I want to stay away from. Not that you are not entitled to your own opinion about sex but its different once you actually have to face it and deal with it and after you do, a lot of things change. It’s not so taboo anymore and because I have some questions, I’d prefer talking to someone who won’t judge me. Well, not as much as the others might.
It’s hard to talk about sex when: a) you’re not sure if the person’s had it, b) how they deal with talking about it, and c) how they will perceive you once they know what your situation is. By the way, the answer to the above for me is: a) no, b) very candidly, and c) I’m probably the most immoral and outrageous of my bunch of friends so if I frown on you, you are defiantly going to hell.

5. “Candid”
To deal with the relationship issues that doesn’t make me sad. Like talking about what the guy did and what questions I have about “us”. And especially about sex. I have to be rather in a nonchalant mood to talk about it as if it were a whole normal thing.

And while I’m at it, the previous post about “being in love” is moot. Rephrase to “being in lust”. I know - I’m a bad Christian, but… I have no excuse. Temptation is too fun.

And the answer is still No.
His answer that is.
Oh, mine is too btw. *sly wink*

6. Working stinks.
Picture a secretary. Then picture her in a really small cubicle. Now make her chair immobile. Now imagine her boss is a total spaz. Now imagine she doesn’t get paid. Or have a car. Or the ability to escape her employers even once she gets home.
Welcome to my work week.
Tho I do get one day off (negotiated).The office makes my nose clog or something. Whatever it is, the office is reaaaaaally dry. The old office was and the new office is. I think my parents are like human moisture suckers or something. And they don’t feel the dryness at all. I’m like drinking water all day so I won’t crackle up and disintegrate into dust. And yet, I try not to drink so much because then I would have to climb out of the prison that is my chair and go to the loo every 15 minutes – no joke.

And I get the most mundane jobs too. I’m the best photocopier in the office (of 4 people) so I get the glamorous job of sitting in front of the 4-in-1 printer-scanner-fax-copier for 4 hours breathing in toner powder.
And let’s not forget binding. Which is preferable to copying because at least I have something to do all the time instead of pressing a button and waiting.
Other than the admin stuff I have a file of invoices that I have to enter into the accounting system, also known as data entry. THE most boring and not-worthwhile job ON THE PLANET. If it were up o me, I’d quit and look for another job. No amount of money could possibly tempt me to ever do data entry. Even for a million ringgit. Make that pound sterling and we should talk…

7. Clubbing
Thursday night + Maison = Ladies night + R&B! The best time ever! Unforch, The Boy asked to see me on Thursday so No Clubbing for Moi. Was planning on taking Friday off and seeing him then, but I usually cave. No biggie. I can go some other time, plus I would feel dead tired the next day and what with Saturday and Sunday killer practices, I may just collapse. And it’s no fun if Your Boy isn’t there dancing with you.

* * *

The Boy has immaculate timing. Just when I kicked him out of the house (not literally - like how celebs kick the Mtv Cribs crew out) I was feeling all like “it’s all very physical” and “there’s no like real connection” and “I don’t know what he’s thinking”. 10 minutes later on the way to Futsal he msgs me to know he appreciates me. I could copy it verbatim but it’s not required.

I would be a shitty celeb. I don’t like telling people about my situation unless they ask. And I don’t like people prying into my personal issues unless I need and ask for help. Yeah, the paparazzi can lick my middle finger.

Oh, we (Boy and I) are kinda hooked on this game called Last Chaos. It’s an online free MMORPG. Kinda like WOW but smaller. Fun tho. He’s way more addicted to it than I am. Not so much an issue – tho I get bored sometimes and I want ATTENTION! But heading the list on Facebook of “There Are Some Things Girls Should Always Do For Guys. Period.”, I allow him the small window of nerdiness. And I take comfort that at least I play it too.

The Boy has a lack of money. It shouldn’t annoy me. But it does. Cos I paid for his lunch (RM12.50) and… there was no compensation. I mean, at least offer. I think I would have said no. But at least offer. Oh well, no major harm.
Things would work a lot easier if we were on the same pay scale. But he tells me his family has financial issues with juggling money here and in Australia so I’ll give him a bye this time.
We haven’t gone to see a movie in ages. So technically we aren’t going out. Weird huh.

* * *

Sex: Yes please.
[Reference to old McDonald’s application joke. Chill.]

I have slept with him however. Where “sleeping with” is defined as “sleeping. In the same bed. Next to each other.” Albeit, with minimal clothing.

* * *

With all the other guys I dated. Or something close to that, I could usually tell what they were thinking. Andin turn, manipulate them to my evil needs. Mwahahahahahaha... Evil laugh aside, I can't read this one. I think I've mentioned this before. And it troubles me because I have slight control freak issues and I constatly worry if he's gonna cheat on me. Because he does love his sex, that I will say. Could i like put a tracker on him or something? Just a thought.