Moving on?

So its been more than a week since.

How am I faring?

Ok I guess.

Mornings are considerably easier. It doesn't hurt as much. The pangs are more or less gone, save for the times when I glimpse at a couple that reminds me of what used to be us, then it twinges.

I saw Azzy and bf in the street today while walking back home. Surreal. I always thought (cruelly probably) that we would at least outlast them. Guess not.

I have to stop referring to the past us as "us". It's not past continuous.

But enough moping. Have to get on with life.

Tho I did admit to Mel and Andrea that about half of my motivation for staying is gone. It's still there and it's still worth staying, but I didn't realise how much of the urge to stay was driven by my heart as it were. I'm such a soppy person.

It's always the hard nuts that are the soft cookies in the end.

Oh and P.S. I've learned to cry thanks to the Ex-Boy. And when he ended things, the tears wouldn't stop. It didn't feel like it would, but it's good to get it out of your system as quickly as possible. No point smothering it and pretending that it's gone when it's just buried.

Need to find a new hobby. Or at least a hobby. I'm moving house soon too. To closer to work. And am thinking about getting a new laptop. I've popped open my budget but I'll get it after I move so there's just less stuff for me to transport.

Also Keylet has decided to charge us cleaning fines. For stupid things. I'm fighting it, but I want my damn bond back. There is absolutely no reason for them to charge us and I don't care how long it takes.

Heartache still. Only cos I saw Azzy today with her Boy. And also cos Azzy was one of my links to him. I assume she knows. I bumped into her on Saturday at her work and she didn't mention him. Facebook has it's uses :)

I think I should blog more often. Maybe that'll be my hobby till ! find one that isn't so sedentary.

Also, 22 years old on Saturday! Dinner with Mel and Andrea and work ppl on Friday and gym on Saturday. 10 pound entry. I'm thinking of going for a spa thing but I might not now. I thought I had a voucher but turns out it's only a 10 pound discount.

I'll see how I feel later on this week. It's pay week as well. Yay for Friday!

Well, I don't feel like I should end on such a high, seeing as I'm not really feeling it, so it's bye for now. Till next time blogglar.

Speak of Mother Nature

And since my last post, Mother Nature has zapped me with her nature stick and blessed/cursed me with the crimson tide. The scarlet waterfall. And all the other euphemisms Lea, Squish and I came up with to gross out the guys. I still vividly remember the day we made tampon angels. Ah, good times, good times.

This comes as quite a shock because, even tho I said I was feeling the symptoms, the flow is usually delayed. Maybe it has come sooner because I'm not as stressed as last term. Or because Tash has some strange synchronising effect on me. We are starting to mind meld, and it's scaring me!

The only downside to getting my period now is that there is a danger that come March I might have my period around the same time. And that's no good for a romantic getaway to Paris. It just won't do.

I have to now start plotting to out maneuver Mother Nature. She's not messing with me again! Any suggestions for delaying or inducing periods are more than welcome. nothing permanent or dangerous please...

Opposite Day

Days don't normally go like this.

The day started off great. I totally aced the negotiation session. Well I did better than last time (which isn't that hard) but I can now say I don't suck at negotiation. There's hope for me yet! Negotiation was at 9am so I had a loooong break until 4pm when I had my Criminal Practice large group session. I do enjoy all the modules - there's something new to learn all the time, but that room was a little too warm and I found myself nodding off. My head tends to bounce like a bobblehead when I get drowsy. Sleep. Wake up. Close my eyes, nod off. Jerk awake again. And I was sitting in the second row right in the middle! Didn't get caught tho. It's a pity. I really do try and stay awake.

Netball practice was supposed to be my destresser of the day. I rushed home from the Legal Practice Library (LPL) at half seven to get to Talybont by 8pm or thereabouts. To cut a long story short, I ended up getting so angry at the end of practice because of a couple of silly girls who weren't taking practice seriously. I know it's just practice. By all means, have fun. But if you're playing a game (like we were) then you owe it to your team mates to put in some effort. Not just giggle and toss the ball around like it's a marshmellow. Have some goddamn respect for the other people on your team for crying out loud.

I really laid it into them after practice. I wasn't happy. I was angry. How dare they be so selfish. Netball is a team game. You win as a team and you lose as a team. If just one player gives up, what's the point in playing? Notts is on Saturday - 3/4 days away. We haven't had a lot of practices. You at least owe it to the rest of the people who are going to play to the best of your ability. Practices are supposed to help everyone, and it being a team game, there's no point saying I just don't feel like it today. Every practice counts.

I was still fuming on the walk home. I more or less marched home so now my feet hurt. And that's making me angry too. It's been a topsy turvy day.

Looks like its opposite day today, fer reals. Crikey.

* * *

I should also mention that The Boy now has internet. But no VOIP so it's msn messenger and skype calls from here. I still don't get to talk to him as much as I would like. But I'm not home most of the time tho I use a web-based msn chat in the library. This is like dejavu Swansea in the beginning all over again. I don't know tho. I'm not convinced yet.

Communication frustration

You’ve all heard of sexual frustration – you wanna do it, but you can’t. Same same.

1. France just wants to fk with me. Apparently this complete lack on internet-connectivity is not isolated to one university in one lone part of France, it’s nation-wide. Save the little children from cyber-pedos but wreck all forms of long-distance relationships, why don’t you? Yes, we all know French women are born and bred to sex up the world but you don’t have to give them their own private hunting ground. It’s not fair.
   
   
2. Bloody paperwork and customer service. Both in their extremes in France and neither in the good way. Duplicates, triplicates, come back tomorrow, next week, when we call you back. Nothing ever gets done in France unless you grab someone by the balls and yank at them until their eyes water. That or just suck it in and wait for freaking ages. I should know, I’m waiting still.
   
   
3. Blocking Skype. What the fk is up with that? I mean, what are you so afraid people are going to talk about? If it’s bandwidth you are so pissy about then just don’t give people internet in the first place and they won’t complain about it to you.
   
   
4. MSN Messenger for Mac – has no video capabilities. We know you’re ugly Steve Jobs, not everyone else is. Be a man.
   
   
5. It’s probably due to the time of night, but would it kill you to sound a little more enthusiastic when I call you? We haven’t spoken in a week, at least some sign that you still realise that I mean something to you would be nice. I’ve generally given you the benefit of the doubt and say that you’re tired, you’ve had a long day, you’ve had a stressful week – but given that you cut our conversation short and that we don’t get the chance to get pissed over the “phone”, I feel like I have the right to vent my immediate feelings here. Talking about the fact that you’re still going to be in France next year isn’t one of the glowing points on my list of things that make me smile at the moment. I’m glad that you get to do what you want but I’m not totally ok with it yet – I’m worried. Day by day, Sara. Day by day.

That’s all from me bloggy. It’s been a wonky day. I’m still sore from netball practice on Friday which isn’t at all helping my mood. I want ice cream and chocolate and maybe both. But heaven forbid that I get fat. That wouldn’t help at all, would it?

Oops I missed class

I overslept this morning. I had a 10am class. Almost unheard of to have a class start after 9am. Today was supposed to be a good day.

But I overslept. I set my alarm for 8.55, then reset it for 9.10. But i didn't I thought I did, but I didn't. And now I'm trying desperately to find an alternative Small Group Session to attend. If not, then I'll just go to the library tonight and make up the work anyway. AND I have to prep for Advocacy tomorrow. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

The Boy sent a message after reading the last post. Pity shitty situation but what can I do eh? Thanks Le Garçon.

Crummiest Day

Today has possibly been the crummiest day.

Got a letter from the bank saying that the account is going to be charged £25 overdraft fees for an overdraft that was caused by the other account holder - who doesn't seem to be giving a shit.

Yesterday the guy that was supposed to rent the room that is available in my flat decided not to because he doesn't have a UK guarantor - and the girl that really wanted the room hasn't called me back even tho she said she would.

I called The Boy on skype and he didn't pick up - twice.

Any one of these things would have made my day bad but bearable. All three in one day, all occurring in less than 1 hour of each other has got to be a new record.

I can't be bothered anymore to think of the reasons why or justify them, no matter how rational or logical. The fact that they have happened is bad enough and I am too tired to think of all the optimistic, positive reasons. They have happened, and they suck. Life goes on.

Today is officially a Fk-It Day.

Miserable miserable MISERABLE f-ing day.

And it started out so well. The BT guy came over and sorted out the phone line. It was a lighting strike at the phone interchange so everything's fixed now. And now I have my internet back!

Then I got a message from Haeks saying that he’s NOT coming back to Cardiff this year, he’s going to ABERDEEN for placement. Great timing… So now I have to deal with having to find a NEW housemate as soon as possible so that Tash and I don’t get stuck with having to pay for Haek’s room ourselves. Selfish bastard. He’s been behind on rent payments and now this. I have to pay all the summer bills myself which is fair because I’m here but it’s still a lot of money I’ve spent in total to pay for Sky and the electricity and gas.

I don’t need this kind of shit so close to my course starting.

I want to be able to go to France and not have to worry about coming back to this crap situation. There’s not much I can do that I haven’t already done. I’ve told Tash. I’ve contacted the MSSCF to ask them to let people know that I have a room to rent but nothing confirmed yet of course. I hope things will work out. But till then: FML.

Summer's Over

I have less than 30 seconds to write this. I am quite annoyed.

I don't know why I'm even here sometimes.

Moar schopping

meaning MORE SHOPPING. well There are still things I want to buy but have not.

1. I went to Dorothy Perkins today and they HAVE the dress I wanted but not in my size. None in stock and none that they can order in. SHOOT.
2. I hit H&M a few days ago and was considering buying a nice light blue cardigan from them. Unforch its. £9.99 so a bit over my budget right now. Waiting till the parentals come...
3. Tried on the Red Next dress I was thinking of wearing to Grad but its not very flattering now that my middle has shrunk somewhat. I need a fitted, structured dress. Preferably red, preferably fitted.

Hmmm... So one is a size issue, one is a price issue and one is a "I-can't-find-anything-to-wear!" issue. I could always wear what I have in the closet. I have no problem with that looking between the price tags on the racks and my empty wallet. Oh why did my haircut have to cost so much!? Darnit...

Dream Scare

I hate it when dreams get poignant.

I also hate that poignant isn't spelt the way it sounds. So very annoying.

Will try not to think about aforementioned dream but it is haunting me at the moment. Instead of a dream catcher, someone should invent a dream swatter. To go with a memory eraser. And a sin scrubber.

Societies Awards dinner tonight. Dress code is formal so I have to get all fancied up. Deciding between a floor length plain purple dress and a low cut backless blue and black halter dress. Depends on how skinny I feel tonight I suppose.

Also must go to Lidl to stock up on food. Well not really food exactly. Microwave dinners and frozen oven things don't count as food. I will stock up on Milk and croissants. That seems to be the only thing I enjoy eating nowadays - well, hot choc and croissants. Eggs and butter only onthe shopping list when I feel the urge to bake.

Warwick Games 2009

No Warwick Netball for us this year either. Bus too expensive - 600 pounds. Not enough girls - 7 at the max.

Cardiff and Warwick just don't seem to gel right do they?

Mad, Madder, Mental

Things that are making me mad:

• Tash and I found the PERFECT house. Chern doesn't want to put down the non-refundable agency fee. I will be furious if we lose this house.
• I've spent the last 10 days negotiating with Phoenix Garden about Chinese New Year and sending out email after email asking the committee about what they want and now it's all shot down the drain. What is the point in doing all this work if it doesn't matter anyway?
• The Cardiff European Games are coming up and nothing is settled yet. Certain persons are implying that their life is so busy that they couldn't bother replying emails with a simple yes or no. I'm sorry, where was it stated that I have to give up my life so that you can deal with yours?
  

I swear, if I die of anything it will be DEATH BY BUREAUCRACY.

Water

Since the water pipe near Park Place burst, there's been no more water. Oh shit.

I need to pee.

Nottingham Malaysian Games 2008

I’m sore and fking moody as hell. I swing from being soft n squishy to being pissed as hell. If I didn’t know better, I swear I was going thru PMS. And since I’m not, I’m just fking moody.

SORE
Cos I went to Notts on Saturday and played 6 games of netball. Got 3rd place but no medal. Yeah, what the fk, right? Which in short, is why I am

FKING MOODY

1. Cos the head official, when asked, said “yes, there will be a third place medal” which therefore implies that once you are confirmed to have secured third place, the aforementioned medal would be yours. But nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Apparently, Nottingham Malaysian Society does not feel that third place warrants a medal. Which leads me to
2. When I approached the NMS Sports Sec with MSSCF’s Sports Sec, he rather smirkingly said:
   “Sorry, we don’t have a third place medal for netball.”
   “Do you have third place medals for the other sports?” I politely asked back.
   “Only for individual games we give third place medals. Do you want us to make you a medal?” He replied, his words dripping in sarcasm.
   “Yes!” I said.
   “No, it’s not necessary” interrupted our sports secretary. “It’s ok, don’t trouble yourself.”
   

And this is where we are today.

I received a message from one of the netball girls: “How come we didn’t get a bronze medal? One of my friends said football and basketball got a bronze medal.” I didn’t know what to say. “I’ll get you an answer, I promise.” I replied.

And Damn Straight I’m going to get an answer. Even if I have to wring that pathetic NMS Sports Secretary’s neck to get it.

Needless to say, I’m still infuriated at the way I was brushed off by Nottingham AND Cardiff’s own Sports Sec. I figured on Friday, it’s probably just the heat of the moment that’s making me see red. I’ll go to sleep, wake up fresh on Sunday and see how I feel. I was still pissed.

Now far be it for me to question the NMS committee for their decisions but as a participant and an athlete AND a Committee Member myself, I find it hard to justify why there ISN’T a bronze medal.

To be fair: Possible reasons why there aren’t bronze medals

• Not enough money – I seriously find that hard to believe. Over 80 universities attend Notts, each paying registration fees. Plus, if they can cough up enough money to get bronzes for football and basketball, what is so different with netball? And if they say, because they have more teams – what the heck does that have to do with anything? Take the bronzes away from chess and scrabble and give it to us! A game is a game, regardless of how popular.
• We never have bronzes for Netball. It’s tradition. – A pretty crap tradition. Do you still demand that men and women should have separate class rooms and eat at separate tables too? You are autonomous University students. Regardless of tradition, however longstanding, you don’t just follow something because it says you should, there should be a logical defendable basis for any decision. Pardon the lawyer coming out in me but being so limp-wristed and spineless in the face of such a stupid tradition follows that you aren’t fit to be in the committee and kicked out immediately.

Whatever the reason, they are making me harbour an enormous amount of ill-will towards them. And I never give up without a fight.

Solely in my capacity as Netball Captain and Manager, this complete and utter disregard and disrespect towards me, my team, and my University will not be tolerated. I am so disappointed in how Nottingham has handled this event. There will be questions, and there WILL be answers.

Murphy’s law

“When anything can go wrong, it will.”

So far this week has felt like that.

Wanted to go out; it was raining.
Wanted to sell books; bookshop only takes them in on weekends.
Wanted to go to the gym; was carrying a bag of books.
Went to collect something; it wasn’t there.
Went to see someone; they weren’t in.

A summarily short list but it has roll-over consequences. It builds up one after the other. Especially if you haven’t caught a break in between them it feels as if things are ganging up on you.

* * *
On a slightly different tone, I was listening to Liz Phair’s Favourite and while grooving to the rock riff and the lyrical lyrics I realised what kind of songs I like – I like those that make analogies. Similes, metaphors, and all those words you learn in English lit. Lyrics are important of course and everyone is attracted to music that you can relate to. And if you know me (or read my posts) you will know that the weird way I express myself usually involves a lot of analogies like “chocolate covered train with a gooey marshmallow centre” or some nonsense like that. It works for me. I don’t know why.

I suppose I like to imagine things and when it comes to describing something I can’t describe, associating it to something I can visualise helps.

* * *
I only blog when I’m feeling- well, basically when I’m feeling down, or angry, or sad. Usually not when I’m happy. So those massive gaps in time between posts don’t mean that the previous post represents my feelings/thought/emotions until the next post; it means that nothing really twisted my gut till then.

So by the process of analysis, my gut is twisted as we speak.

I feel so F-ed up right now. There is one thing that’s niggling in the back of my mind which although is a small niggle, is a niggle nonetheless. Then there are the other things. The oppressive cloud of gloom and depressiveness that is looming over me. The things mention in the first bit of this post. The fact that I feel lonely – and that’s noone’s fault.

I feel I aught to qualify that last sentence. It’s nothing that anyone else can do about it. There are certain responsibilities and decisions that I have to take on my own shoulders. There are things that only I can do for whatever purpose. Its not that I don’t have friends or rather, that there aren’t friends around, but it’s more like being stuck on a branch that’s so high up that no one can get you down till the fire truck gets there. It’s rather a helpless situation.

There are so many things that I have to do – tomorrow, this week, this year. Its pretty much weighing down on my shoulders (no wonder my scapula have been stiff and sore since Sunday).

It’s only something time will heal. But until then, I feel like crap. I want to punch something.

Freakin Habit

Bleh, not normal for me but what the hell.

Suffering from withdrawal-type symptoms.

Compounded by the fact that I am out of phone credit. Well, not completely - I have £0.77 balance left. I have a whole bunch of free text messages but the lack of ability to call people is annoying.

That plus the almost complete inability to focus and study.

I am unbelievably frustrated.
So not funny. I could kill for a bit of relief.

*angry growl*

Oh dear, where'd all the hot water go?

The best blog posts of mine are carefully thought out and descriptively worded in a place of solitude and peace and calm i.e. the shower.

1. The “m” key is being a pain in the ass and not pressing when it’s supposed to. Which leads to repressing and retyping of words which is a waste of time and is making me more annoyed than usual. I think it started like a week ago and it’s still not fixed!

2. Warwick Games

Not going. Why? Because the bus broke down AND we don’t have enough players for the team.

THIS is why I am seriously pissed. I WAS feeling gutted but now I just want to vent. ARGH!

What happened, I hear you ask (silently)? This is what happened:

Saturday, 15^th March

• Got a text message from Iman (Netball Sports Coordinator) saying that there are technical difficulties with the coach and that we can’t go. I wonder: what technical difficulties?
• Saiful swings by and we eat beef rendang (slightly burned, but edible-ish) and I tell him that the netball team isn’t going. He is shocked.
• He calls Pijan (MSSCF Sports Sec). Finds out the bus broke down and the football boys are taking cars to Warwick Games. I wonder: why can’t the girls take cars too?
• Jeremy (Footie boy) IMs and is concerned that we are not going. He calls Pijan (Sorry Pijan! Didn’t mean to sic 2 guys on ur butt).
• Jem volunteers his friend’s car, subject to insurance matters and finding a driver.
• Manage to convince Saiful to drive to Warwick (!)
• Call Iman. 3 times. No response.
• Iman calls back.
• Tells me that even with transport issues sorted, we don’t have enough players. Mun and Niz are injured and that leaves us with 6 players – short of 1 for the minimum of 7. I wonder: any possibility of getting them to play anyway.
• She calls me back and tells me there’s no way they will be fit to play.

I am GUTTED.

Seriously, I don’t wanna think about it anymore. The more I think about it the more frustrated I get and then I tend to snap at people and say mean things.

3. I told you that so I could tell you this:

Actually no, but I always wanted to say that!

This bit’s about Boy Issues. I have deduced, while meditating is calming warm water, that if somehow I have delivered mixed signals to unintentional target that steps should be taken to rectify said misconceptions. Here, in two parts, are my main problems:

Male #1

Unknown and unintended signals were allegedly sent. Spotted by external third party. Sender (me) warned of possibility of signal misunderstanding and actions were taken to clarify with sendee (Male #1). Sender wary of signals sent to sendee but after clarification with parties involved, is able to communicate at own discretion.

However, third party further warns of deception on the part of the sendee with regards to understanding the clarification. Sender is so warned and remains wary but does not act as paranoid as before.

Problem: Sender has already clarified with sendee but has been further notified of possible deliberate falsehood of understanding.

Male #2

Intentional signals were sent. Unknown if received and/or understood. Interference in the form of social lubricant may have caused cross wiring, garbled transmissions or various forms of miscommunication. Signals sent at rare and brief occasions. Sendee (Male #2) eventually returns signals but sender is unclear of meaning. Unable to clarify signals as sendee–sender status is unstable. Sender has decided to stop sending signals as sendee is not of permanent status.

Problem: Sender is unsure whether to keep sending mild signals as is unsure of sendee translation of signals.

*No names, as to protect my dignity. Sigh.

Not to say I don’t know what to do – I hashed out my plan of action already – but some unbiased suggestions would be nice. Just to see if I’m on the wrong track or just really not sane.

4. Non-emotional stuff

Thursday

Went to TigerTiger. Via Liquid [closed], Revolution [age restrictions] and Walkabout [it was mentioned]. Not that many people but danced my arse off anyway. Got drunk as a skunk (how drunk do skunks get? Anyone know?) but no puking – that is and will be the rule. Didn’t feel drunk, just really free and having lots of fun. According to Saiful, I was a 7 on the Sober(1)-Wasted(10) Scale. And that’s pretty far along. The last time I got to maybe a 7 was at Elisa’s 16^th. I tend to hold back but I didn’t feel like it this time.

Friday

Drink the Bar Dry! But I’ll get to that.

Work – real paid work – from 12pm to 2pm. Woke up at 11.30 for it. Still not feeling awake.
Netball training from 3-6pm. Took a 30 min nap from 2.10pm to 2.40pm. Decided to go see the play.
8pm. Ran to the Sherman Theatre. The Almond and the Seahorse. Basically a theatre show about 2 couples and lost memories due to Traumatic Brain Injuries (TBI). Good acting and brilliant scripting. 8 pounds well spent.
Hopped over to Ambala for (what else) Lamb Briyani!
Decided to go to the Taf and check out the Drink the Bar Dry event. Cheap drinks. Got boring.
Went to Solus. More fun. At least there was music. Couldn’t dance at first because of food baby ala Ambala. By time food baby stopped trying to leap out my throat, music went weird. Last 5 or so songs were pleasantly a nice balance between closing the club and happy emo rock.
Wasn’t tired but didn’t really wanna hang at Shaq’s house and play poker so took a stroll to Julies place and crashed in her living room. Regaled by the mistress of the house herself of the delicious *sarcasm* and nutritious blend of chicken chowder, pepper and Lingams Chilli sauce.
Music tv was on-and-off good and sucky. Left at around 4am.
Didn’t sleep till 6.30 thanks to a restless soul who tricked me into learning what spooning was (over the phone ppl! Stop thinking dirty thoughts.)

Saturday

Woke up at 3pm thanks to a call from a freaked out Saiful wanting to come over and listen to the United game (Derby-United 0-1!). Declined only to get a further half an hour sleep after which I woke up and proceeded to waste my Saturday.

Bummed around till about 7. Saiful popped over after buying beef and we made beef rendang (see above).Chern joined us and we had a little picnic in my room complete with oranges and sparkling juice – which tasted slightly fermented.

* * *

And here we are. Back to the Present.

I should really work on my tutorials.

NAH. Later. ;o)

New Ending

Short post:

The Boy is gone.
(Yeah like the Jason Mraz song - look it up people!)

Reason: I didn't feel like he cared about (read: was missing me) as much as I did him. So I don't like doing the whole one way street thing so I called it quits. Felt bad. For a while.

Still get nauseously ill about it sometimes. BUT Dealing well.

Miss the makeouts and the other nice bits. Must remind oneself not to daydream about that too often.

Feel bad about doing the dumping, but I feel like I had no choice. Is it bad of me to say that I foresaw it? Not that I wanted to, but there was no future with this one really. He wasn't the settling type anyway. Too many ifs, ands or buts. Whereas I'm more of a WHY NOT kinda gal.

***

Writing this n Barcelona! Backpackers BCN, Barcelona - nice hostel if you are ever in this part of the world. Mildly pissed off because someone stole my shower, WHILE MY CLOTHES WERE HANGING IN IT. damn biatch. The clothes were fine but I just stepped out to grab my towel and all of a sudden I'm sans one shower and a set of PJs. couldn't even go to another cubicle if i wanted to.

HMPH.

Warning: Pissed off and Hungry

I don’t know what it is today but I’m feeling uber pissed. There are a few factors I can think of:

1. PMS
2. The Boy

1. Aches slightly and is probably the reason why I’m more irritable today and for a week to come (I can see the FUTURE!).

2. Here’s where I list the things that The Boy has done in the past 72 hours that are making me fuming mad:

He didn’t call. We have this mini rule that the first person to go to sleep calls the other one. Inevitably its usually me but sometimes he KO’s before I do. Even if I’m as groggy as a baby on cough medicine, I use my last ounce of strength to hit my speed dial and call him. It’s courtesy, right? But now. granted he had a test to study for, he KO’s on Tuesday night and doesn’t call. Me, thinking he’s still up, I call him. no answer. I then text him a pleasant night time greeting and go to sleep – thinking he’ll call me back after he’s out of the loo. Nope. Nothing. Not even the next morning. I get extremely frustrated and refuse to call him out of irritation to scold him for not calling. He calls around 7pm Wednesday night – after a long day of forcing him out of my mind. Idiot.

He’s slow. We’re playing this online MMORPG (Last Chaos) and its ard 1am Thursday morning and I’m getting groggy and sleepy and I wanna go to bed. His character needs some accessories for something and I offer to give one of mine to him. Remember, this is 1am and I’m really tired. I’m back in the town centre and I ask him to come back to town so I can give him the stone accessory and go to bed. No reply. I wait about 2 minutes and get fed up and decide to go to him and stand in front of him till he wakes up or realises he’s being talked to. Granted, he was probably in the toilet or something. Halfway there, he finally replies and he teleports back to town. I run all the way back. Trade the stupid accessory with him, say good night and leave. I’m in no mood to talk to him, especially since he’s got a test tomorrow so I message “night” and go to sleep – sorta hoping he’ll call me.

* * *

I have realised that I only get period pains when I’m stressed out. Like in the office, or worrying about The Boy. When I’m at home relaxing, I’m fine. That’s gonna screw up my career if I let it so I’m suffering thru it in the office right now. Don’t wanna move around too much tho.

* * *

I think the second thing was a relapse of me being pissed over the first one. The “not-calling” thing really pushes my buttons. And it’s not the first time he’s done it. Not on purpose but omission is just as good as guilty. Especially if you have a duty to do something. (Law School’s good for something.)

* * *

Staring into a toilet bowl of red liquid is strangely gross and fascinating at the same time. You know its blood, and you know it’s yours, but its so blended and not at all lumpy. Rather cool.

And wow, I just grossed myself out. Ew.

Weepy weepy. Cry baby.

I don’t know who to talk to. I was thinking about this and I figure I just need someone who will sit and give me a hug. Don’t need to say anything.

Can’t call Boy. He probably won’t come over and if he did he’d end up playing Last Chaos on my computer anyway.

Don’t really want to call Lea. To my knowledge she’s never failed anything in her life.

Yeah. I really feel like a loser.

Can’t call my Uni friends. If they are like me, they feel bad enough already. And if they got better results, who am I to burden them with my problems?

Actually, all of my old high school friends have had stellar results so far. Damn, so I’m the dumbass of the bunch. Why do I even bother hanging round?

Noone else I’m really that close to. Noone I could call and weep to. Great. I’m a loner and a loser.

* * *

Screw it. I might just be desperate enough to call Boy. Maybe not call. Ask if he’d come round today. And as usual, no expectations. I’ve had enough disappointment in the last 24 hours.

* * *

Do I make my own bad luck? They say that luck is just when preparation meets opportunity. What about bad luck? I guess it’s the same cept it’s a “lack of” one or the other. Yet again, my own damn fault.