Speak of Mother Nature

And since my last post, Mother Nature has zapped me with her nature stick and blessed/cursed me with the crimson tide. The scarlet waterfall. And all the other euphemisms Lea, Squish and I came up with to gross out the guys. I still vividly remember the day we made tampon angels. Ah, good times, good times.

This comes as quite a shock because, even tho I said I was feeling the symptoms, the flow is usually delayed. Maybe it has come sooner because I'm not as stressed as last term. Or because Tash has some strange synchronising effect on me. We are starting to mind meld, and it's scaring me!

The only downside to getting my period now is that there is a danger that come March I might have my period around the same time. And that's no good for a romantic getaway to Paris. It just won't do.

I have to now start plotting to out maneuver Mother Nature. She's not messing with me again! Any suggestions for delaying or inducing periods are more than welcome. nothing permanent or dangerous please...

Period watch

Uh oh,

PMS is coming.

I can feel myself getting catty.

Tash is sensing hers is coming soon.

I've got all the symptoms that it's coming but somehow mine delays for another week or so.

I suppose this is a warning/notification/information/warning to The Boy and other people who will come into contact with me that I will be more sensitive and irritable than normal. This by all means doesn't reflex on you but it does mean that I will be more sulky and snappy, so don't take it too personally.

Hopefully it blows past with no permanent casualties.

Halfway holiday

I got my period yesterday. So I'm definitely feeling extra sensitive and vulnerable and hormonal.

At the moment I'm feeling a little pissed off.

It's a little bit of anger mixed with some frustration aimed at The Boy. It's not all his fault but I need to vent and usually I can vent to him but for the last 3 months, I haven't really been able to and therefore I'm aiming all my daggers in his direction.

My house mate is unaware of the dangerous time bomb sitting 20 metres from him which is why I'm planning to take a short stroll later on to cool off. I've been cooped up too long and leaving the pot to boil is going to burn a hole in the bottom of the kettle.

New Years is coming up soon.

I need some good news to perk me up or I might just grind my teeth to stumps.

It's my I-want-to-punch-something/someone time of the month. Beware, unless you have chocolate or good news.

Christmas Eve 2009

Things to do:

1. Get out of bed
2. Brush teeth
3. Change clothes
4. Contact lenses
5. Go to Tesco Metro and buy floor cleaner and chocolate chips
6. Go to Melody's house at 5.30 with a sieve
7. Go to Bin Hau's for steamboat

I should start getting on that.

* * *

I've also been in heat for the past 2 weeks. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Severe lack of Boy around I guess.

Period is also late. Not too troubling except the anxious waiting game. Red, no red? Maybe TMI. But hey, that's life.

Merry Christmas Blogosphere!

New Record!

I have period PAIN.

And it hurts like a mother.

It feels like my uterus is so heavy and just wants to drop out. I quite feel like I wouldn’t mind having it outside for a while – at least I won’t feel so bloated and at the same time, I could just get rid of all that vascular lining that is just itching to be disposed of.

I hate it when Aunt Flo springs up on me so unexpected. It was somewhat expected but not to this extent. Hit me right in the middle of advocacy preparations. My opponent tomorrow better watch out.

I’ve been eating well lately. Maybe too well. Actually it’s been alternative – good and bad. Pizza and noodles. No lunch but big dinner. Or visa versa.

47 days. I think that’s a new record, even for me. It must be the combination of 1 week of practice assessments and then placements. Stress does not agree with my female anatomy.

* * *

Had a good gossip session just now after dinner with Su-Ann and Cassandra. It was fun at the time but thinking back on it, it kinda feels a little evil. And I feel a little guilty. I’ve really got no beef with any of the people we were talking about. Nice to actually talk to someone about something other than law tho.

* * *

I may be in for the best Christmas present ever! But it’s dependant on:

1. the parents giving the go-ahead
2. getting my passport back before January!

Fingers and toes crossed! If you have any spare prayers, I could sure use some now. Thank you!

London "Weekend"

Inner Temple had their Introductory Weekend for Out of London Students this last Friday and Saturday. The normal stuff really. Friday in Dark Suits and formal stuff - Saturday we had a drama thing by LAMDA. Good fun jumping around and breathing and things. I didn't take my camera. Cos i forgot. Sorry.

Stayed at Lea's place! Bless her! Less than 2 days in London and she lets me crash at her place for a night. What would I do without ya Lea?

Interestingly, on Friday I almost missed my bus to London. Then I was almost late for the Inner Temple Registration and things on Friday. Running from Temple Tube Station Aunt Flo decided to come visit. Interesting run indeed. Good thing I was well prepared. Although not so prepared for the heels that I would have to wear all night. Ouchies. But I've been thru worse.

So I got back to Cardiff on Saturday. Almost missed my bus back from London too. I have got to break this crap habit. But I am so not a morning person... sigh.

I've got Opinion Writing to do for Monday so I have to get cracking on that ASAP. MSSCF Welcoming and Hari Raya Dinner on tomorrow evening but I doubt I'll have the time to go. Work first! When I have the time, I'll do as much work as I can, then stone out a little. I can't enjoy free time any more - it's a shame really.

* * *

I also properly realised how much my parents have to sacrifice for me to be here. Not only them, my aunt's been immensely generous in helping us out. I don't know how much, I can't say that I know how much anyway, but the fact that she's helping speaks volumes.

Things being as they are, and me realising the full weight of my burden to succeed, as it were, I'm not going anywhere any time soon. Unless I win some free all-expense-paid trips to anywhere, it's going to be Cardiff Autumn, Winter, Spring. Maybe Malaysia Summer.

I feel completely at a loss of what to do, but at least it's not like I have a choice in the matter. I hope I don't sound resentful, I just feel like the kid who has to stand at the other side of the fence while the other kids ride the roller-coaster.

Buried

Azzy wants to stay till the end of October but I don’t think we can rent out the room if that’s the case. If you wanted to rent a room for Uni you would want to start from the End of September and at least October.

I guess there are only 2 options, but to me, there’s only one. Azzy will essentially be kicked out of the house (not really, she can still stay, just not in that room) and that’s not going to sit too well with her. I really don’t like making other people unhappy, especially those who have been nothing but nice to me but unless she can guarantee someone taking over then room come the end of October, I don’t see what choice I have. I hope Tash feels the same way – there’s no other alternative as far as I can see. I’d rather not risk having to pay for an empty room for 8 months just to spare someone’s feelings.

I did tell her that it might come to that and she didn’t sound too happy. I wouldn’t either but I have to cover my own ass first before I can consider hurt feelings. I wouldn’t want to be in her place. Then again, I know she wouldn’t want to be in my shoes either.

* * *

The crimson tide hath cometh. And I am tremendously relieved. Even though I know my cycles pretty well and it’s been pretty regular these past few months, the long cycles tend either be rigid to schedule or deviate dramatically. These past 40 days has been one of the dramatic ones. It doesn’t help that it comes on the eve of the day I have to travel to Swansea before travelling to London but you can’t fight Mother Nature. Just one of the many things I have to take in my stride this time round. I’m grateful that I don’t have to worry about scaring myself and thinking about the "what ifs”. Its TERRIFYING and I pray that the scare never becomes real. Just thinking about it makes me want to explode and implode at the same time. I hate telling anyone if I’m scared because it’s so stupid and it’s all my fault anyway nad I should know better. And it’s not something you can just tell anyone.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, pray you never will.

* * *

Its been a rough few days I guess. The internet is sporadic at the moment – more down than up but it’s all part of life isn’t it. Go with the flow. If you fight it, you won’t get anywhere and all you’ll have is more white hair and less time to enjoy the things that are worth thinking about. Tho I must admit, it’s been difficult to count my blessings lately. Have to really dig through the muck to find the stuff that makes it all worth while. And it’s worth doing. Otherwise you forget and then you won’t have anything worth living for.

Blessings counted:

1. Parents
2. The Boy
3. Family (extended)
4. Get to go to France
5. Lucky to study in the UK
6. Nice big room to myself
7. People who care about me
8. Food to eat
9. Comfortable place to live
10. Clean running water
11. Electricity
12. Hot water
13. Clothes to wear

There is no point moaning about things that have gone wrong lately. Yeah it sucks but things going wrong are better than nothing going on at all. In a sense that, yes, my house mate has walked out but at least I have a house, friends, people that care. The silver lining is always there if you care to look for one – and it’s not that hard to find. Seeing the silver lining does not mean that you’re naive or ignorant, it’s optimistic focusing. Channelling positive energy and all that.

Personally, I don’t want to think about all the things that have made my last few days quite a shit hole but I’ve done what I can and tomorrow will be better if I leave the problems that I can’t fix behind.

Still. It doesn't stop me feeling all crap. I'll get over it.

Beware all ye who dare...

I am in the foulest of foul moods.

1. My period came today. Effing OUCH. It feels like there are callipers trying to pry my hips apart. And not mentioning the dull ache of the fat kid trying to dig his way out with a blunt spoon. And the eternal flow of blood. Disgusting I know but I have to live with it and I’m not happy about it EITHER.

2. I have my final exam on Tuesday and this is the LAST thing I needed. What next? A power cut?

3. One of my flatmates with which I share pots and pans with is hogging them by cooking and not cleaning up after herself. I’m sick and tired of having to clean up after her every time I want to eat so I’m not going to clean up anymore. It’s oven pies and milk and toast and waffles for me from now own. Suck it.

4. Why do I look like such a dork when I wear glasses and tie my hair up? Seriously, there cannot be a more unattractive look but yet it’s amazingly practical. I can’t win can I?

5. FYI, period pains are like having gastric pains, just lower down. Imagine the worst pressure on your gut like you haven’t eaten all day and your intestines are so full of “wind” that they feel like they are going to burst, and that’s what period pains are like. Except they aren’t constant. Oh no. They ebb between excruciatingly painful to achingly bearable like a indecisive fly trying to get out of a closed window.

Piss off, all of you happy people, and leave me to wallow in my fury.

First something.

Friday was fun. And as it ran into Saturday it got better.
Can you spell romantic?! Like OMFrickinG.
HAHA.

Oh no. No details. Kinda fuzzy right now cos it's been a run of late nights.

* * *

And 1st Days are a bitch. A fricking BITCH I tell you. And Aunt Flo couldn't have come at a worse time. Curse of the bloody crimson tide.

Warning: Pissed off and Hungry

I don’t know what it is today but I’m feeling uber pissed. There are a few factors I can think of:

1. PMS
2. The Boy

1. Aches slightly and is probably the reason why I’m more irritable today and for a week to come (I can see the FUTURE!).

2. Here’s where I list the things that The Boy has done in the past 72 hours that are making me fuming mad:

He didn’t call. We have this mini rule that the first person to go to sleep calls the other one. Inevitably its usually me but sometimes he KO’s before I do. Even if I’m as groggy as a baby on cough medicine, I use my last ounce of strength to hit my speed dial and call him. It’s courtesy, right? But now. granted he had a test to study for, he KO’s on Tuesday night and doesn’t call. Me, thinking he’s still up, I call him. no answer. I then text him a pleasant night time greeting and go to sleep – thinking he’ll call me back after he’s out of the loo. Nope. Nothing. Not even the next morning. I get extremely frustrated and refuse to call him out of irritation to scold him for not calling. He calls around 7pm Wednesday night – after a long day of forcing him out of my mind. Idiot.

He’s slow. We’re playing this online MMORPG (Last Chaos) and its ard 1am Thursday morning and I’m getting groggy and sleepy and I wanna go to bed. His character needs some accessories for something and I offer to give one of mine to him. Remember, this is 1am and I’m really tired. I’m back in the town centre and I ask him to come back to town so I can give him the stone accessory and go to bed. No reply. I wait about 2 minutes and get fed up and decide to go to him and stand in front of him till he wakes up or realises he’s being talked to. Granted, he was probably in the toilet or something. Halfway there, he finally replies and he teleports back to town. I run all the way back. Trade the stupid accessory with him, say good night and leave. I’m in no mood to talk to him, especially since he’s got a test tomorrow so I message “night” and go to sleep – sorta hoping he’ll call me.

* * *

I have realised that I only get period pains when I’m stressed out. Like in the office, or worrying about The Boy. When I’m at home relaxing, I’m fine. That’s gonna screw up my career if I let it so I’m suffering thru it in the office right now. Don’t wanna move around too much tho.

* * *

I think the second thing was a relapse of me being pissed over the first one. The “not-calling” thing really pushes my buttons. And it’s not the first time he’s done it. Not on purpose but omission is just as good as guilty. Especially if you have a duty to do something. (Law School’s good for something.)

* * *

Staring into a toilet bowl of red liquid is strangely gross and fascinating at the same time. You know its blood, and you know it’s yours, but its so blended and not at all lumpy. Rather cool.

And wow, I just grossed myself out. Ew.

Singular outpouring of Grief.

I started out with a list of things I wanted to write, just, you know, so I wouldn’t forget. This is pre-Friday.

Now that Friday’s come and effectively gone, I have other things on my mind.

Exam results are below. The breakdown is as follows:
Legal Method and System: C
Contract Law: D
Constitutional and Administrative Law: C
Criminal Law: B
Legal Skills: B

FYI, D is 40-49%, C is 50-59% and so on and so forth. Needless to say, the D pulled me way down and now it all up to the graciousness of the Cardiff University International Department. Will they want a screw-up like me on campus? My friend said that last year the University accepted students who, like me, got one D grade; so all hope is not lost. If the University reject me grades and don’t offer me a place then HELP will help me appeal.

It’s about 10.30pm Friday night writing this and after a day of crying, sleeping and watching telly, I’ve thought some things thru.

So now you know my situation, I have a few things on my mind.

1. I’m a complete wreck. Not now, now that I’ve pulled myself together somewhat (into blogging shape, ain’t bad), but it really hit me hard. I mean. I expected to pass. And I passed. But barely. I mean, what does that say about me as a person? I put almost 100% into preparing for that exam and all I could muster was a pass? And barely at that. [40% is a pass btw]. It’s given my whole self-esteem and self-confidence a huge blow. I didn’t expect As – I was dreaming about it tho – but a D is way below anything I could have possibly hoped for. Consolation: my friend who did all the past year papers and essays only got a B for that paper so I’m not the only one disappointed, he expected an A. And not to say that my results are satisfactory (far from it) but my friend who admittedly studied for the exam papers till 4am in the morning also got a D. don’t know what subject tho.

I don’t blame anyone but myself. I really don’t. I should have tried harder. I don’t know how, but I should have. Done past year papers. Read up more. I did all that I thought I could and should do. I should have done better.

2. How am I going to tell my dad? That’s the thing that freaking me out the most. My mum already knows. But my dad. He’s going to do a Mount Vesuvius. I want mum to tell him. Then he can cool off somewhere where I’m not. I can live with being disappointed in myself. That’s hard enough. But with both parents aiming the blame gun on me (rightly so but still, it’s hurts), I don’t think I could face it at the moment. Circumventing that, I’m locking myself in my room till she tells him. Good thing tmr is Saturday and they both have to go to the office. At least I can sneak out to get something to eat.

Speaking of which I only had toast and milo for breakfast, a jam sandwich and lots of water today. Not really hungry seeing as Aunt Flo decided so aptly to come this morning. And with a truckload of HURT too. So you’ll have to excuse me if I’m feeling moody and grumpy.

3. I wonder how long I can not tell him?

4. I was thinking that if I go, I’ll have to end it with the Boy. I really don’t trust him enough to leave him here while I’m over there. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate. If I end up not going – which is entirely possible now – then things remain to be seen.

He suggested that he would come over today. I was sounding pretty messed up over the phone so maybe he got the hint. I wouldn’t have minded some positive support. However, as usual, he was busy. Another disappointment. Granted, it took my mind off the other ginormously huge disappointment that happened that day, so now I’m thinking that being irritated at him was some sort of projection-hormonal effect. Pity that people get caught in the crossfire of things.

Well he called me up this afternoon about something and we were talking abt my thing and I came off rather hopeless. Dunno whether that irritated him or not. Another thing I was wondering abt.

5. I don’t want to make a big fuss over it. I’m not writing all my tiny petty things so people will feel sorry for me and bake me cookies or send me flowers. I’m sad and depressed and lonely, not dying. Save the pity for someone who wants it. I was in the pity mood a while back. Past that. I guess I just want to be left alone now. I have too many things to think about.

6. The crappy thing about mood swings are the swings themselves. Being moody is fine. Swinging is annoying cos u feel like an idiot and a hypocrite all the time. Fine. I do want some pity. And I do want some attention. Just don’t make me feel like I’m a lost cause. I need… positive encouragement. Not “oh, sorry for your bad grades. I’m sure you’ll do better next time.” Gimme something to work with.

7. Some more Boy issues. How much should I expect him to do? Or try to do? Deep down I want him to try. And that’s not happening. I’m trying. I think. I don’t know what he expects me to do but I’m doing the best I can. I still keep wondering how compatible we are.

8. I can lay out my schedule for the day so you can see how I fared. Would you have done the same?
9am Wake up
10am To the office and breakfast.
12.15pm Check results.
1.30pm Lunch down stairs. I have cramps so I only have hot tea.
2.30pm Go home. Thanks mum.
3pm Cry
4.30pm Sleep
6pm Cry myself to sleep.
7pm Watch TV
10pm Try to sleep again.
10.30pm Call Boy. Still don’t feel any better.
11pm Writing this line. [wow, and that’s exact]

I don’t cry very often. The last time I cried… was period pains and those were just a few tears rolling down and some muffled sobs. The last time I wept was when my rabbit died. Years ago.

9. I am in such emotional and physical pain. I’ve cried my eyes out. Its hurts to blink now, my eyes are so swollen. My nose is clogged. My uterus is being stabbed.

Period cramps are like gastric pains. Same problem, different organ. My theory is that because the blood is coming out, and the uterus is squeezing but remaining swollen and the same size, and that air is going in – and the pain is the uterus squeezing on nothing. Just air. And those of you who’ve suffered gastric problems before, you know it hurts. Cept the uterus isn’t a muscle like the stomach is. It has muscle, but weaker ones so the pain isn’t as sharp.

And my head hurts from the dehydration I think. Yeah, it’s gotten that far.

I will still cry again if I think about whatever it is that happened today and the people it will affect and the problems that I now have to face. As stupid as it sounds, I want to go to sleep and wake up like it’s a nightmare.

Nothing is going right today. There is no silver lining on my cloud.

N.B. Crying is physically and emotionally draining. I now understand how people can cry themselves to sleep. Not that you cry and sob and then sleep. But more like you have a big cry and wail and sob and weep and after the hysterics have calmed down, you feel really tired. And you just don’t want to cry anymore. The crying represents all the pain and sleep is really the only thing that will stop you from remembering what you were crying over. Some ice cream would have helped too but we didn’t have any. I don’t recommend crying to anyone unless you’ve already started. Then you should really just cry it all out. I was sobbing in the car with a huge ball of tissues in my hand. Quite gross.

11.11pm. A good time to sign off. Good night.

"Over the course of several days..."

Time for a new list!

1. Flights! Out of the country! Soon!
2. Croydon School of Gymnastics
3. Lurve – the definition of
4. Other things I want to get.

I know, I want a lot of things. But there are some things that just catch my eye, that’s all. Ahh, I want an unlimited bank account. Hehe.

* * *

1. I’m leaving, on a jet plane!
I called STA Travel the other day and I’m sending in my travel booking form on Monday (written on Friday). So the plan is to leave on the 19th September – which is the beginning of my residency if it comes through. I’ve applied for a return ticket (valid for a year) so I’ll prob be back in June 2008. Why, you ask? Well:
a) Its cheaper to come back rather than stay there. Even if I work I don’t think it would be worth it.
b) The Boy is begging me to come back after the year is done. How can I resist those puppy dog pleas?

Granted I was planning to stay in the UK before The Boy came along but thinking about it now, even if The Boy and I don’t pan out, it’s still worth coming back. Maybe after my third year I’ll stay there and do my qualification. Long distance has never been so painful before.

2. Croydon School of Gymnastics
is closing down!
Its nuts, I know! I have so many memories there! It’s a total tragedy for it to just be gone because of lack of premises. I love all the coaches that coached me and were so supportive and patient and I can’t imagine it not being around for the next bunch of kids to enjoy themselves. That place really fosters a sense of love for the sport. Its not only great exercise but they make it so fun. If you’re not good enough, they’ll push you to be better, and once you get better you really feel like you’ve progressed. There is never any second best. 100% effort. Which makes it a crying shame when the community over there just lets it die off.

So if you live in Croydon or in London or anywhere, join the Facebook group or even better, petition the city council if you can. Do whatever you can. Trust me. This is a truly worthwhile cause.

3. Lurve – the definition of
I think I’d better define my definition of love before I contradict myself.

To clarify, I’ve never been in love. I’ve been in like. And I imagine being in love is similar but more intense? It’s just a guess.
So what do I think love feels like? Well, like I said, I’ve never felt it, but it think I have a pretty good idea from a dream I had. I woke up with the most awesome feeling of being in love and being loved. Very cool.

Well to me, it was kinda like the feeling of being warm and tingly all over and being with that one person who you love and who you know loves you back and you don’t even have to say it, you just know.

Yeah. The unspoken bond. You can remove the stereotype stick from my ribs please. I know how cliché it sounds.

I mean, I believe in love and I want to be in love. I just don’t want to waste saying the 3 words when I don’t feel it. When you say something often, it tends to lose its meaning.

And love has very little to do with lust. Just to clarify. Remember. I am immoral.

And. It’s still no.

4. Other things I want to get.
Sports bra from Sorella. Cos the ones I have give no shape and let my boobs bounce around too much. And they give it a line when I wear t-shirts. The Sorella one is pretty good cos it’s got wire and gives shape and it’s not uncomfortable so I wanna get it. And it’s only RM39.90. KLCC Isetan.
Jeans. Choice #1: P&Co. Choice #2: PDI Hipster Jeans. Choice #3: Any jeans that are low waist, boot leg and not stretchy.
Studs. Cos The Netball tournament is on grass and they (the rest of the other players) said wearing studs would definitely be recommended. I’m not entirely sure what they studs look like or how they attach to my shoes, but I’ll try and find out.
RAM. For my Notebook. It's at 512MB now but it can go up to 2Gigs. I want to upgrade it before I go... Dunno how much that's gonna set me back.

* * *

FYI, my parent’s office address is:
SL Consultants
1220, 12th Floor, Block A, Damansara Intan.
Use Entrance 4 and go to the 12th floor. Turn left out of the elevator and left again. The glass door on the right with the keypad opposite AlfaCom.

Save me!

* * *

Having lunch with Ee Leen this week. Apparently she’s interning at her dad’s friend’s law firm which so happens to be in the same building block as I am; tho entrance 6. She’s knows how to use a typewriter! It’s so fun! No. really. It is. And you can delete letters and words too! It’s so cool! Mostly for filling out forms and things. I think most law firms have at least one. The law firm I was in last time had one too, tho it hadn’t been used in ages.
Edit: She's bailed on me today. Damnit. Got to eat some Thai Fried rice of Mum's. Pretty damn good.

* * *

Aunt Flo’s going to pay a visit soon so that’s going to suck. Tho lately she hasn’t been such a pain. She’s just annoying to deal with all the time.

* * *

I’m thinking that The Boy and I aren’t compatible. It’s pretty obvious. But why stick it out? I can live without an other half – and seeing as this current other half isn’t really my other half, more of just AN other half, why stick with it. I reckon it’s a why not instead of a why. Living by a “why not” is much more opening.

And I kinda guess getting into this is partially my fault. I was the one who gave him that “live for the now” speech.

“If something good comes along now, why give it up just because it might
not work out?”

I distinctly remember myself saying that. Me and my big mouth.

* * *

And I highly recommended that people ____________ because… I say so.
(a) listen to Michael Buble’s Everything
(b) watch Supernatural
(c) read Jeffery Archer
(d) believe everything I say *mwahahaha*

I wanna get off the mood swing - it's making me dizzy

I’m getting all moody again. But at least this time I caught it in time.

We are progressing alright – I’m getting used to it. It’s still all very new and there’s like so much to learn. You think it’s easy and you see other people doing ok – but it’s really not! It’s hard! It’s complicated!

Anyway, enough about that.

I was all moody after cos I was scared he would be sad and all. I mean, I know that I couldn’t make it but put it down to timing.

So he was going to the gym after and I asked him to tell me when he was done – and this time I knew why I was worried so there would be no issue. He called up (after I found out my phone had been misfiring or something) and I asked if everything was ok and stuff and he was all reassuring and all. He even confided in issues with me! Score!

I sometimes think that it’s too uncanny that he knows what to say at exactly the right time. He knows females too well… he’s told me he’s learned from all his ex-gf’s and all. But I never thought he’d be this fluent in female. It’s comforting, yet slightly worrying, know what I mean? Kinda like I like that "he knows how I feel” yet I feel that he is just saying it to keep me sane.

So with that, I think I may be over the whole trust issue. That is, I don’t really trust him as much as I trusted the others. Probably because I don’t know him as well as I knew the other guys. I mean, in my terms, we’re going forward pretty quickly. And it’s rather uncomfortable (ok, maybe not uncomfortable – strange, different?) that he never started out as a mutual friend. It was straight from valentines to dating to actually going out. Nothing before. We have no history. And I have no idea what he’s like cept from what he’s told me and what his friends have said.

So ok, it doesn’t help that I think I’m on my period now and thinking this but I’ve acknowledged the moodiness and now I can deal with it properly, i.e. by blogging it out. The cramps have been replaced by a dull aching. Like a really full stomach – I think I’m bloating.

Oh, and this is perfect timing (at least this is) because I won’t be seeing him till next Wednesday or Thursday because he’s got Finals on Saturday and next Wednesday so he’s holing himself away from me for over a week. Which is also perfect for me because I have classes on both Thursdays (yeap, they are back – Thanks a bunch Vijaya) and a viva next Friday at 10am.

What he said: “What time’s your class on Thursday end?”
It’s become common place for me but I should think of the effort he’s putting up.

I forgot to ask if his classes end after his finals…

* * *

With remembrance to the post where I briefly mentioned that he doesn’t want his uni friends and parents to know that we are dating. Here is the rundown:

Friends in uni – not all of them don’t know. His close one’s know. The rest of them he doesn’t want them to know because he doesn’t want to make a fuss over it and he’s pretty sure they will tease him if they find out. Just because of who he is. I hope it’s got nothing to do with me.

Parents – they don’t want their precious boy to have a other half because they are worried (his words) “that if he has a fight with her, he will do badly in his exams.” Maybe I should egg him to tell them after finals. I wonder what excuse he’ll come up with then.

Anyway, I was also (in my head) wondering what other reasons there could be for keeping mum on us (so to speak):
1. He’s embarrassed / ashamed of me
2. He’s worried people will tell me nasty things about him – true and false stories
3. He doesn’t want so many people to know so after he dumps me he doesn’t have to deal with / tell so many people.

1. Not so much an issue because he’s very handsy (read: grabby) when we go out to like malls and all.
2. Is partially true. I so do want to hear those stories. But how bad can they be? I mean, my head’s already whirring with imagined stories.
3. it’s something I think of time to time. And it’s what think is most likely if the reasons he told me aren’t true. If so, sucks for me. And I think the upside to that is that at least I’m prepared for it. And I can tell myself I told you so in the future. You go, future-me!

So yes, I now have trust issues. Please fix me.

I don’t want to make this an issue for him to deal with until it becomes a big issue. It’s fixable, I just don’t want to freak him out with a gag order – “you cannot and must not joke around about leaving me and/or running off with someone else. It’s so not funny ok.” I would sound way too anal. If I expect him to take a joke, I should be able to take some too. Get a grip girl.

I want to trust him, but thanks to paranoia and mood swings (those I can handle) and a hyperactive imagination, I’m left sprawling in the dust. And I know, until I can get a hold of this stupid paranoia and rein it in – manic blogging like this are part of the control mechanism – I’ll never be able to fully trust him. I’ll be an insecure wreck (inside at least). And the crappy thing is that he knows how to push all my buttons to make me scared and insecure and worried. I have yet to find his. I know of one way to irritate the hell out of him, but I wouldn’t go so far as to make him really worried about it. And if I don’t do it to him, why does he do it to me? I should be strong enough to brush off his dumb jokes, but it’s annoying that I have to constantly keep saying “no, you are mine. No, you cannot do that.” But surprisingly, when I get fed up with playing, and just say “go for it” he gets slightly upset and is like “how can you say that, you’re my girlfriend?!” like I’m actually being serious. If he’s the one testing me, is he the one who’s actually insecure? It sometimes feels like it, tho I know he would never admit to it. Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking…

Pain in the Neck, literally. HAH

I am freaking pissed off.

Various reasons are as follows:

Main Source of irritation: Parents. Who else?

I’m just lying on my bed chatting away on my computer and my busybody father sits next to me and goes “you're getting bald on the back of your head!”

Yeah, big shock. I have really fine hair and not much of it and pointing it out isn’t going to help it any. My parents know about my hair so I don’t know why they bring it up. They’ve even paid for some hair package thing in Mont’ Kiara. I go there sometimes.

Yeah, so my mum comes in and they both prod and poke at my tiny cranium as if hitting the right pressure points will make hair spring up like zombies in a bad horror flick.

You know that saying: If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all? My parents are hypocrites. But that’s a rant for another day.

Other irritants: Yearbook Issues

It’s too fking expensive. I hate not having money for things like these. It’s not my fault.

Other Other Irritants: Soreness

The throat issue has worsened and I may be getting sick. Thanks so much bacteria of the world.

* * *

In other news…

Law ball’s coming up and I am, as usual, dateless. Not that I want one or am expecting anyone to ask me. I’ve gone thru that, and unless I’m safe and secure that we are totally platonic, I don’t want to risk it. Ever. Again.

Futsal’s on Friday and I may be staying over at Michelle’s. Bless her little energetic heart.

* * *

The crimson tide is waning and this cycle hasn’t been too harsh. There’s been the usual bloating and cravings for food but nothing to get teary-eyed over. I’m having the major mood swings tho. Eugh. Those can be a bitch too. At least with the cramps you can legitimately say you’re in pain and are there for cranky. With moodiness, you can’t (“I’m feeling really emo! Stay the hell away from me!”).

* * *

Note to dad: stop being such a pussy.
If you don’t want to get pinched:
1. Stop being annoying
2. Start learning how to tell if ppl are PMS-ing
3. Stop coming near me when I’m on my bed
4. Realise that I pinch
5. Stop telling me to go to sleep. I want to, I am tired, I don’t need another reminder from YOU.

Impending Bad Day Syndrome (IBDS)

I’m not having a bad day.



I seriously have no thoughts about putting a smile on my face at this particular moment. It feels as if I have lead weights dragging my face down. It’s rather depressing to think about. So I’m trying not to.

Here are the things, in no particular order, which have affected me throughout today.

Here comes Aunt Flo

And with that comes *ouch* period cramps, gastric aches, wind, gassiness, intestinal discomfort and the ever popular cramps. The last one has yet to hit. I have this on-and-off feeling that I need to poop but I think that’s the wind. But then again, you can never be sure.

I may have to call upon the hot water bottle before the night is out.



I’m cranky and I have aches everywhere – joint-wise. I’m all bloated and totally uncomfortable.

Exhaustive-ness

I don’t feel comfortable calling it exhaustion, because I don’t want to detract from the seriousness that the term “exhaustion” connotes. People pass out from exhaustion. I just feel… exhausted. Not lethargic, but slightly achy and generally out of energy.



I guess it could be linked to the periods. Also, every time I move anywhere it’s an effort. Even blinking has become somewhat of a chore. I really do need more sleep. In general.

Tomorrow is going to suck

Tomorrow I am supposed to have class till 1pm, then follow my friends to the Curve for this months Birthday bash in Red Box (Karaoke Style!). Love karaoke, I do.

But change of plans thanks to mortal intervention.

Turns out I have to attend an Editorial Meeting with Vasantha at 3pm. Tomorrow. Which means that I could only possibly get to The Curve by 3.30pm, earliest. As the event at The Curve lasts until 9pm, that shouldn’t be a problem. There’s an issue of whether I want to bother going too but that’s a 50-50 thing. I’ll decide tomorrow. See how I feel.



BUT as it turns out, my parents don’t want me to go to The Curve. I asked and they said no and gave no reason even when asked. I didn’t try very hard to convince them tho. I’ll probably see how I feel about it tomorrow.

But the fact that I’m technically not allowed to go is bumming me out further. I know I’ll probably be able to go but I feel that it would be redundant to ask if it turns out that I don’t want to go.

Should I try and persuade them? Maybe I should.

Money ain’t flowing in like it should

The editorial board is producing a yearbook cum magazine for the Law Society that will document the activities of the Law Society and its students. It’s more fun that it sounds.



It’s going to cost some moneh tho. That’s where sponsorship comes in. the total cost will be in the thousands but that’s no big surprise.

HOWEVER the precious little squirt that’s in charge of sponsorship is moving at the speed of a glacier, so I suspect that by the time any money starts showing up, the project will be scrapped (we have until the end of March, then we start publication).

AND because of stupid department policy, any sponsorship we get goes straight to the consolidated fund, not to our Editorial Board. And because the Law Ball is occurs before our publication, they not only get priority, they will also probably use up all the money first. Not to mention, the Law Ball made a loss last year.



So you can see how totally stoked I am about the meeting tomorrow.

They want us to reduce costs to RM10,000 for 1,000 books. That’s RM10 per book. It’s doable, but it’ll look like shit – not worth doing in my opinion. So basically everything relies on sponsorship – but even contributions to that might not even reach us.

Guys and their spots

No, not zits. It’s like how leopards can’t change their spots.

There’s this guy in my intake (being general here, never know who’s lurking around)… actually, you’ll probably be able to figure out who he is. Whatever, I’ll start from the middle.

He saw this supposed “hot” chick, and she was walking around etcetera. He couldn’t see her face but her bod is rather like the typical skinny Chinese types – thin waist, kinda flat around the boobage and no butt. Rather like the anti-Me. Anyway, face aside; the two fellas thought she was hot – till they saw her face. After that it was game over man.



Anyway, the point is that the first guy – he shall be henceforth known as “the guy”, the other guy is negligible for the rest of this recollection – said “Hey, hot chick.” This is the guy who, not to say I fancy, but the guy who I get along with and am (or was) at the moment trying to figure out if there is a chance or not for anything. After today, I say not. And it bums me out for a couple of reasons.

I say not, because:
1. He likes the “Chinese chick” types. And guys generally have types they like and they tend to stick to them. I guess. I’m not to sure on this point.
2. I do not fall into the category of the “Chinese chick”. It doesn’t bother me that I’m not; it bothers me that guys have types they stick to. It makes the playing field easier to narrow down for them, but makes it oh so irritating for people like me. people like me being people who may fancy other people but know there is one extra hurdle to cross and figure it’s not worth the effort.



And it bums me out because:
1. I know I have no chance. So now I have to find a new hobby, a new something-to-do-with-spare-lunchtime.
2. After watching too many chick flicks, you find yourself yearning for that one guy who will change the way he is or who will learn to appreciate different qualities (namely yours) in a girl. That never happens. Unless you’re different and exceptionally hot. But I have yet to observe case studies on this. So I’m going to take it as set that guys don’t change the types they like – ever.

* * *

All the above has made me cranky and rather apathetic.

At the moment I think my right leg has fallen asleep so I’ve resorted to wiggling my toes in intervals to make sure the leg still works. It’s a really weird sensation when you can feel an appendage fall asleep.



But you know what faithful blog? I feel a little better after jotting all this down. Still tired and sleepy and achy and possibly still cranky, but more light-hearted and a little relieved. At least I don’t have to complain about things to the same people and get the same response – tried that today too, and I know they’re only trying to justify what can’t be changed, but it’s frustrating and the tension builds up.

You are like a demister of emotions, blog. You can run blindly through a fog, or be guided through by a friend. Next to myself, I couldn’t ask for a better listener.

Hey look, a joke! I guess I’m feeling a lot better. Ok, don’t push it.

Late night and totally unnecessary

Still itchy.

G*dd*nm m*therf*cker s*n of a b*tch b*llsh*t cr*pf*ck.

My earlobes are the worst…




I’m going to look back on that last line and laugh one day….

And I need to cut my nails too. I’ve got client counselling on Thursday and I don’t wanna take the guy’s skin off when I shake his hand.

Life has been moderate to me so far. So long as the LMS assignment stuff comes in on time (by Wednesday) so I can put it all together and bind it and everything. Shouldn’t be too tough.




Dada’s watching Star Wars – one of the oldies I think. From the sounds of the old-school trumpets and the “zang” of the space fighter things. I am tempted to go kick him off so I can watch Las Vegas, but I’m sleepy.

Class tomorrow has been relocated to god-knows-where. Actually, I do know where but its so damn inconvenient. And all because of bloody A-level exams. Stupid building is infested with them. Like termites. They keep multiplying every year! Not literally, of course. There weren’t that many of us way back when I was there. Wow. I sound so old.

Whatever. Age grants you the privilege of moaning about the youth.




Been getting the munchies lately and I think it might be cause of impending downward blood rush – if you get my drift. Been a tad bloated too. Bl**dy f*cking hormones. Why couldn’t they make us retain something more useful like knowledge, or do something more aesthetically pleasing with it, like accumulate into the boobage area? Well it sorta does, but not much.


I just thought of something.

Hormones are hor-MOANS

...

I'm a genius.
Plus, having rashes on the face does not help the situation any. I’m forced to pull back my hair so it doesn’t irritate my face. So now, my face is kinda puffed up and slightly red; itchy at the sides; really rough cos of the swelling; AND I have to pull back my hair so it looks like I have no sense of style what so ever.

Why didn’t the guy up there at least give me a face that looks good sans hair?!

Grumble grumble grumble…

Periods minus the pain equals boring posts. Sorry.

You may be wondering where the painful period posts have gone (I love alliteration, don’t you?). Well it seems that due to stabilizing hormones and all that, I’m all fine and pain-free.

So the rants and raves about stabbing pains may halt for a while. Tho, now that I’ve said I don’t suffer from it anymore, I’ll probably hit me double this month.

That’s justice for you. I guess my destiny is to be a blogging ball of fury and rage. So be it. I think I write more interesting stuff when I’m in pain anyway – both the physical and mental.

And I ain’t sadistic before you bombard me with labels of sadism and whatnot.

* * *

Anyway

On other fronts, the peaceful feeling has passed somewhat and I’m rather back in apathy mode. Sort of half-half.

Got a lot on my plate to do but good ol’ blogger is pleasantly distracting me. Pleasantly in a sense that this is mindless babble which does nothing whatsoever to improve my mental skills.

Actually, this may be helping my touch typing.

I refuse to log in to MSN messenger for fear of:

Distractions

Getting messaged by that guy again

I went to the lounge to watch a bit of old Top Gear on ntv7 and whilst I was watching Jeremy Clarkson rev his way up a Scottish mountain, the fella IM-ed me. Good thing I was technically disconnected so I didn’t bother to reply.


I’m not too sure of what to do at this point. I’ve told him that: he’s weird, he’s strange and that he’s creepy. And still he continues to do that same thing.

Oh, plus, he’s asked me to tell him when he annoys me. Nice gesture but any person with an embedded moral conscience wouldn’t do that. Unless you know then like really well. I have never even met this guy. I don’t want to, but that’s beside the point.

Oh and before I continue on this rather stressful subject (I’m feeling all “eugh” already), let me just say that I refuse to get to know any person who I just meet on the internet. Well, if they know me thru a friend or something, then fine. If they are polite and not stupid creepy, then fine. Case in point: I added this guy on friendster like ages ago. He sent me a message and asked me to add him to my MSN and gave me his email add. No danger there so ok. Turned out to be a nice fella who I sometimes chat with online. He wasn’t forward, just friendly chat and we talked about random little things, and no underlying connotations to make it uncomfortable. We were and still are just friends.

Ladies and gentlemen, THAT’S how you do it. THAT’S how you get to know someone over the internet. NOT by saying hello, and after 5 lines of chat, ask them if they have a boyfriend. THAT is the fastest way to be labelled a CREEP.

And to say the least, yes I do enjoy attention, but not this kind. This kind of attention I can live without.

Why? Oh, the pain! The agony! Oh, shuttup.

Apologies to those wondering why I missed yesterday’s post (not that I have to post everyday but I feel kinda bad not doing so, you know?). My grandma came over to stay a couple of nights (sat and sun) and she took over the study / guest room so the computer was off limits till she went back home. The same grandma that’s part hakka if you’re wondering about that too.

I can’t do any productive work at home – be it studying or recreational stuff like blog posts. There are just too many distractions on this computer. There is the relatively fast internet connections and RAM speed (relative to work) and all the programs that I have on it – torrent loaders and music etc. not a really condusive environment for creative thinking.

Anyway, because I couldn’t blog yesterday, I’ll fill in today’s quota with an extra special post. It’s a post about why I/people blog. Ok, so it’s not that extra special but it might turn out to be. You’ll just have to read on and find out!

Why? Reason #1

I was thinking about this the other day and I guess the main reason I blog is because I want to write a diary but I’m too lazy to actually put pen to paper. I’d rather type. Better I get sore fingertips than hard calluses on my middle finger. And I do enough writing (or I will do) at college / university. It’s not the superficial aspect of calluses that annoys me but it really hurts and it’s tender and sore; and you don’t really appreciate the use of the side of your middle finger until you can’t use it any more. Like… trying to write something important. Ok, so that wasn’t the best simile in the world but you get my drift.


Plus with pen and paper there’s the issue of storage. I did keep a diary once and I wrote all my innermost secrets and feelings etc. all the usual mumbo jumbo that you’ll find between the covers of an adolescent teenager’s diary. I was quite happy with it. But then I ran out of pages. I wanted to buy a new one. Problem: where to keep the old one? I didn’t want anyone to find it – anyone being mum and dad (no siblings. More about that later). Mostly private boy stuff and details about crushes and embarrassingly cutesy things. Anyway, I didn’t want to throw it away and I was so paranoid that I didn’t even buy a new one for fear that if they found the old diary (jinkies!), that they would also find the new one (double jinkies!)! So that was the end of the diary era.

Yes, yes. I know an online freely-accessible blog is no private hiding place but since the diary thing I just really don’t care what people think about what I think. First of all they can’t really do anything about what I write, like if it offends them.

“OMG Sara. You wrote such mean things about me! You’re gonna pay!”
“O…k. What are you gonna do?”
“I’m gonna show it to…um. I’m gonna tell!”
“Ok.”

See, the threat of “telling” doesn’t work anymore. Nothing’s private nowadays with super surveillance and such. I seriously don’t bother what people are going to say about my blog because there are going to be those who like it and those who don’t. There is an example a few posts back where someone posted a comment and I got really riled up and replied and we had this comment war thing. I should had taken it as criticism in the lightest form but it touched a nerve but I guess the moral is that people have their own opinions and you can’t force your opinion on other people. I don’t write to persuade. I write to entertain and inform. There is a difference (I learned all that in English class).

Ok, I’m digressing... I must remember to cover that opinion thing at a later date, but now is neither the time nor the place for it. I’m in the middle of a post for goodness sake!

So where was I?

Why? Reason #2

I like pretty colours. In a diary you can’t really scrawl doodles all over the page because you can’t read the writing on it afterwards. I’m a fond fan of doodles and the incapacity of diaries to support ink-penned doodles annoyed me to no end. You’ll find my earlier works filled with weird doodles around the edges. Plus I’m not that great an artist (nope, not great at all) so what looks like a scribble is actually my rendering of my foot or a bird of something. So the artwork is lacking.

On the internet I can add pictures and mess with the colours and make people go “wow” with my superb html skills (I wish). It’s all quite simple and there are an infinite number of colours one can choose from. There is so much more to learn but it’s gradual and learning new stuff is always more enjoyable if you see your results first hand.

Why? Reason #3

When I was keeping my diary, I never let it see the light of day, literally. No one but me saw it and that was only at night. It was private and personal and not just because of what was in it. I was afraid of what people might say. People who knew me. People I had written about and commented / criticized / satirized. It was a personal danger that hovered over my pretty little head.

Now I have an audience of infinite proportions. And to say the least, the posts are considerably less personal but if you knew me well enough you wouldn’t need three guesses to figure out who a certain post was aimed at. I think at least 2 posts are targeted to specific people. I wasn’t mad enough to put their names down but heaven mark the day that I do. All fury will be unleashed. But that’s not today.
Today, I enjoy the pleasant anonymity of receiving comments from people half way around the world. I like an audience who have no clue who I am but still enjoy the words I write. It’s like an affirmation that I actually have a personality. Two thumbs up!

Why? Reason #4

I can write any where and anytime I want, provided I have a computer. My html formatting is not overly complex and I can write the tags easily from memory although I do get help from various html tutorials.


No more remembering topics to discuss till late at night and putting a strain on my already maxed out brain power. It’s much calmer this way.

Why? Reason #5

Ok, there is a teeny tiny bit of arrogance in writing a blog. I call it arrogance because you are writing an article, a personal article and you expect people to read it. Even though the author may say that if no one reads it, it’s ok, but then why put it up on the internet in the first place? Why not just save it as a word file and store it away on your hard drive? Because of the swelling of the ego that comes with letting the world (the world. You heard right. This is the internet for Pete’s sake. It’s huge!) know what you think. It’s like the shortcut to being heard – like Ghandi with a loudspeaker. I bet if Ghandi were around in this era he’d have a blog and a website and several online petitions as well as a few chain mails to spite the government. But that’s the point. Nowadays anyone can be heard. And you can hear them. You just need the right address to go to.

If you have your own blog, you’ll know what I’m talking about. There is only so much you can do with pen and paper and lonely so long you can hide it. You could hide a diary online too – some of my friends lock their blogs – but I think that kind of defeats the purpose.

I enjoy blogs. The freedom to express. The colours. The pictures. The html fun you can have. The global response. It’s all appreciated, thank you.

I don’t and won’t apologise for any posts by the way. I know some bloggers say that if you don’t like my posts, don’t read. This may be out of desperation for more readers of something but even if you don’t like my posts, please read. It never helps to be closed-minded and if you let me know what you think about me or my blog, in a way that helps me too. Take the good with the bad with a pinch of salt.

Can't drink cold drinks

Mum was late getting up today so instead of letting me be late (I don't mind) for work, she drove like a bat out of hell down the highway. I had to tell her a few times that it was generally ok to be a few minutes late to work seeing as I'm always the first one in and no one ever calls at 9 am in the morning. I mean, some people do. Some do but they're usually wrong numbers.


Anyway, got to work on time-ish. Breakfast as usual.

Mum's driving is actually quite horrendous. I mean, not accident-causing but sort of vomit inducing if you get motion sick a lot. A lot of jerky acceleration and kind of not looking where she's going sometimes. Like when she drove out of the parking space this morning - she has to drive out because there's a pillar right next to the passenger side door so I can't get in - she stopped the car to let me get in. Hand brake. Check. Gear. Check. Wait. Not quite. She actually put the car in reverse and the hand brake wasn't completely down so the car sort of rolled backwards. Bit scary I suppose but I'm not a morning person so it didn't register as scary, just like a Huh? in my groggy state of mind. Nonchalant but mum was acting all anxious the whole morning because she (and my whole family) hates to be late so it's like an "Oh no I can NOT be late!" panic response.

I'm generally not a panicky person. More of a laid back, if-it-happens-it-happens kind of gal. Its one of those nature-nurture things I think. Both my parents are high-strung type people who get stressed over being late and traffic jams and not being able to find parking the first time round. I'm more of the opposite. If I'm late, I'm already late so a few extra late minutes wont hurt (I hope. So far my bosses have been nice people and I'm rarely late if ever). Traffic jams are unavoidable and you're there already so enjoy it I guess. Pop some hard rock in the CD player and enjoy annoying the people around. Heh. Yeah, I'm one of those people.


One thing I guess would bug me is the parking thing. I don't drive but I know its annoying if you go round and round a parking lot for ages and the guy who just came in finds a parking space like right away. It's lucky for them. But it sucks.

Like I mentioned earlier, it's a nature-nurture thing because by right, I should be high-strung and constantly stressed. But I'm not.

How come, you ask? Because I see my parents like this almost all (well some of) the time so I just decided I don't want to be like that. When they fret, I just stare at the wall and breathe. Breathing is very important in life, if I have to remind you. Distress, y'all! Anyway, some other differences:

Roller coasters
I like 'em, Mum and Dad don't. They say I follow my grandma (dad's mum) in that way. Sort of annoying because I thought I was unique and now I'm just like my chubby grandma. Anyway, they say that because I'm brave and can take high speeds and em… I have that tough stuff. My grandma's part hakka, which according to dad, are a tough breed so that's a compliment of sorts. My grandma's pretty hardy so it isn't all bad. I like extreme things like I want to go skydiving and bungee jumping and go rock climbing (which you can't in KL because we don't have decent rocks). I could go to Batu Caves and climb there but I have no one to go with. I should ask Shaun about that…

Food
My dad likes a lot. My mum doesn't eat much. I'm sort of in the middle. It's not opposite but sort a combo of both. I enjoy my food (like dad) but I don't eat that much (like mum). But it really depends on what the food is. But the reason I'm a combo of both is because I don't want to end up looking like either (though I must admit, my mum has nice legs. Not in that pervy way, but they're slim and longer than mine). Dad is fat so I don't eat as much as him cos duh I don't want to be fat. And mum sort of looks miserable at dinner because it's never nice eating your own food and even eating out she doesn't eat a lot because she has a small stomach. And no she doesn't have an eating disorder, just a distaste for gluttony. So I eat just enough to enjoy my food but not to end up looking like a hippo with jaundice.

There are surely a few others but I can't remember them at the moment. Maybe I'll mention them at the end of the post if/when I remember them.

Anyway the point of this post to show that if you are exposed to a certain influence, environmental or otherwise (what is the otherwise?), you either choose to follow the example set or go the totally opposite way and do your own thing.
Example: Vegetarian family. Two kids. One kid is a vegetarian. One kid eats like normal food. Meat and veggies and etc. Doesn't seem different but the kid who eats meat will probably enjoy and therefore eat more meat than your average omnivorous family kid. Opposites repel, you see?

But if there are no environmental factors, then nature takes over and suddenly you find yourself eating raw meat wearing a loin skin. So save the environment! Or you'll turn into Fred Flintstone!

That time of the month again...

On the most part being a girl is pretty cool. We get to wear pretty clothes and get all stupid with our friends. None of that macho-testosteone-driven competitiveness and trash talk. We have a huge variety of clothes to chose from and can usually talk/flirt our way out of trouble. We probably have a wider selection of friends too. I mean, we can have cool gay guy friends. I doubt a girl who was a lesbian would hang out with a bunch of guys (I say a bunch on purpose) coz they'd just all get drunk and make her make out with someone (I've seen it happen).

Yeah so there are down sides too. Girls are bitchier. Girls are noisier. Blah blah blah. Yeah what ever. We have to deal with so much more shit than guys. I can't even start to complain. We have a higher threshold for pain believe it or not (try giving BIRTH fellas) so by the graciousness of the Lord above, He decided to give us pain. Guys get masturbation; girls get MENSTRUATION*. I dont think that's fair...

If you think having blood leak out from you is SO easy, take note:

Period Cramps

The shittiest bitchcrap you will EVER recieve. But they vary. Sometimes your internal organ just throbs and aches like a fat kid is jumping up and down on your spleen all day; or it hurts like a mothafker like you've just been STABBED the blunt end of a baseball bat.



I have no FRICKING idea why we get period cramps. Something about the uterus contraction or whatever, I think. Whatever it is, curling up into a tiny little ball helps a lot and God help the guy who tries to move me.

Horniness

Ah, the sex drive. I don't know whether this particular effect has been documented but because of the hormone changes in a woman's body, she get's horny. The urge to procreate is hard to ignore and the unfortunate few who do jump into one-night-stands end up regretting it after the hormones have passed and found out they did it with an ugly fat bastard.

PMS



I never know whether it's Pre- or Post- but it could well be present becasue PMS is here to stay and it ain't gonna be pretty. When its before your period, its like a little trigger in your head telling you "Go on, be a bitch! It's OK..." And you listen tho you know its _wrong. For me personally, when I feel the bitch-trigger go off I know wits about that time of the month.
Research states that women who socialise together, often trigger a hormonal reaction that syncronises the mentrual cycle
Apparently, it's supposed to be an evolution ary thing so the women all have babies at the same time etc. In this day and age, it just means a gang of easily irritable females waiting to rip your head off.

Bloating

I hate feeling fat. Everyone hates feeling fat. Even skinny people hate feeling fat, even though, bless their precious gag reflex, they aren't. But it's just a feeling and nothing a deep breath and a mirror won't cure.
Not during "that time", though. Ohhhh no. Not only do you ache and writhe in pain and scream at random people in the corridor, you BLOAT. Damn stupid water retention is a fact of life but it kicks into overdrive thanks to our lovely friends, the hormones.
And you CAN'T suck in your bloated belly anyway; because you have $@%^#$%&#^%$&@$%^@#%$^@$#^ period cramps.

Tampons and Pads



Ain't your ordinary favourite things. Dealing with the side effects is one thing. Having to maintain your dignity is another. I've heard horrendously embarassing stories about stains and carpets/chairs/family dinners. If you're not prepared for it, you can be caught seriously off guard and it's waaay more embarassing than getting caught with your pants down. Stains aren't that easily rectified.

Jamming a small wad of cotton into a private orfice isn't pretty OR painless either (yeah I know I'm being all gross about this but we have to get into the "comfort zone" about this [spoof Oprah]. Puh-lease, if you can't deal, you'll never learn and this is valuble insight into female problems which means you'll be a more sensitive and caring person for it. There are only a few more paragraphs.) Its pretty gross as the end result too. All I can say is, you can't really be "Carefree" when you're wearing a small adult diaper or an enlarged cotton bud.

So saying that you are prepared, and everything is more or less sanitary and clean, there's till the issue of disposing the bloody thing and I don't know whether if it's just me or Malaysia but in MY world, you fold the pad and wrap it up BEFORE thrinking it into the sanitary bin. Why? Because, a) It prevents the blood from your uterus that was caught in a cotton mini-diaper, from touching the bin, and b) BECAUSE ANY IDIOT IN THE RIGHT FRAME OF MIND WOULD KNOW THAT IF YOU FOLD IT STICKY SIDE OUT AND THEN THROW IT, ITS GOING TO STICK. And that causes jamming and then it gets gross, and then people get PISSED OFF. So use your brain next time.

SO yeah, being a woman is great the other 25 days of the month. And God is great and almighty(please don't smite me) but he is, as one actor read from a lame script,
Just a mean kid with a magnifying glass. And we're the ants.

I suppose it's all fair. Being the superior sex is nothing without a little pain and sacrifice. And I already sacrifice enough time and effort just putting up with the ignorant on a daily basis.

*For those of you who don't know what mentruation is, it's once a month when blood leaks out from a woman because its all part of the great design and if you finished high school you should know this by now. If you're a guy, you ought to know, if you're a girl, you will. Oh, you WILL...