Productive procrastination?

My maternal granddad turned 80 over the weekend so

HAPPY 80th Gong Gong!

Yellow for added ong-ness.

* * *

I'm supposed to be writing down notes for Med Eths Exam but instead I found myself craving a dress that I saw on the internet while I was looking for a red dress for graduation. My mum asked me to at least think about what I was gonna wear so the train of thought is not entirely my own. However, I was going thru several online uk retailers (Topshop, Asos, Next etc) and I found this gorgeous 2-in-1 dress top/skirt combo which I really wanna get:

It's 20 pounds but I think it's abso fab cos its a tank top AND a skirt all in one! You may be thinking, but you could do that with a tank top and a skirt. WITHOUT actually buying that. One problem I have with skirts and tops are that the tops have to go down quite low on me cos I have rather a short torso (grrrr) so the skirts usually have to go down quite low too, to the point where they would practially slip off. I have my fair share of skirts but they all have to sit quite low on my hips, and they move upwards (as skirts do) when I walk. Oh, and there's a grey one too!

I couldn't buy either of them because they don't have my size in stock! Gutted!!

I have a little crush on dresses and I'm glad that recently, there are more casual dresses availiable so that it doesnt take a special occasion to pull a dress on and walk out of the house with it. The only casual dress that I have is a brown linen one - the brown is honestly the colour of mud. It's a nice dress but super super boring looking. Maybe over the summer I'll "Gok" it up with some beads or something. Gok's Fashion Fix ftw*!

*people keep asking me what does "ftw" mean? It means For The Win! Deriving from the slang terms that sports pundits use when asked who they think would win the match/race/etc.
e.g. "It's Manchester United for the win!"

* * *

Which is a nice segway to mentioning that Manchester United are the Barclays Premier League Champions 2008-2009! Awesome!

I am very pleased about that and I was watching the United-Arsenal match on justin.tv and I was looking forward to seeing them pick up the trophy and celebrate and all that but the stream that I was watching swiched over to the other Sky Sports Channel so I missed the celebrating! Gutted!!

So I've been trying to find a clear video of the trophy lifting bit in Old Trafford but no luck yet.

* * *

The Boy is nose deep in exams so boa sorte meu amor.

Lea is done with her exams *jealous* hehe Well done Miss Tan!

Straight Away

Blow-drying your hair is a necessity in the UK. I don't particularly enjoy it, I am fully aware of heat damage and I try not to use the hair dryer but when the weather is damp and cold, a head full of wet hair is the worse thing to have. I use a spray on heat protection + straightener (2-in-1) so my hair comes out (un)naturally straight. I still find it quite eerie even after a couple of years of using this product. I'm used to having air-dried messy hair.

This is blow dried straightness. I need a hair cut. The ends are getting feathery and not behaving.

I reckon a reasonable 7.5/10. Its neat. It feels tidy. It's great for doing pony tails and getting hair out of the face and I like that I can run my fingers (slowly) down from root to tip if I dry it properly. I don't like the look however. Too poker straight and boring. And it never lasts long. One good gust and it's back to hair-all-over-the-face.

The orangey streaks are the remnants of highlights I had in over last July. I got lighter brown highlights and black lowlights which is why you may see an array of orange-brown-black colours in there. The orange is the result of the light brown getting washed out. I had dark purple streaks put in a couple of years ago and they washed out orange too! My hair doesn't hold colours like it holds curls...
The dark mahogany brown in-between the orange streaks is my natural colour. I swear. And I'm quite pleased that it shows up in the sun and in pictures because I can't really see it for myself.

* * *

I'm not that hair obsessed. I just wanted to fill my blog with something that I could talk about that I can talk about with substance. Not necessarily interesting to read but mainly to at least bulk out my Blog entry list.

Oh and I made cheese on toast today! The cheese has gone a bit off I think...

Sleep and Specs

So I slept on the curls and voila! Lovely bouncy waves! They are a little looser than they look in the picture but they feel nice and soft and give my hair a bit of much-needed volume.

I love this hairstyle! 9/10 for gorgeous bouncy waves! The only bad thing is that when windy, the waves will go haywire. And since I also like being messy and running around, they won't last very long. So minus 1 mark for relatively high maintainence.

Also, I highly recommend watching BBC's 10 Things You Need To Know About Sleep. Really informative and really helpful, especially if you're highly strung out on exam stress and have early mornings to wake up too.

* * *

I've also recently remembered that I bought these. No, they are not defective sunglasses, they are Natural Vision specs which I bought from Guardian in Malaysia.

The small open dots allow the eye to focus naturally on a point and they work for any visual impairment from long-sightedness (as tested on my parents), short-sightedness and astigmatism (as tested on me) and a few others which are mentioned on the box but I don't remember what they are. They are my little triumph of retail pioneering because they are about 60 Ringgit and at that price my parents were not happy about me buying them but once I brought them home and made them try it, they were sold. Apparently after wearing it for about 10 minutes, my dad's long-sightedness wasn't so bad. Technically they are better than specs because they force your eyes to focus instead of relying on glasses to do the work. They claim to reverse astigmatism and so on because of this. Unforch at 60 Ringgit a pop, they are a little too pricey for everyone in the family to have one. Since I bought the XS size, thinking I was the only one in the family to ever wear it, I have them here. In Cardiff. Where I haven't worn them in quite a while. I don't know if the claim to reverse visual impairments is true but they are a good and less tiring alternative to specs. Especially if you don't have multifocal lenses for reading. The only trick to it is that you can do more than 20 mins near-point focusing at a time (i.e. reading) because you will strain your eyes. Not a bad downside I reckon.

The wonders of a flat iron

I was bored so I played around with Chern's flat iron which she lent to me for CROWNight and I haven't returned yet. My curling control has improved tremendously tho I am aware of the dangers of heat damage to hair. I didn't blow-dry before curling - I let me hair dry naturally.



The curls here are quite tight and bouncy - not as tight and curly as the CROWNight curls tho... thank goodness. Pictorially, a nice 8/10 because I'm quite pleased with the picture but 7/10 in real life because the curls are way too curly for me. Too short at the sides which makes my face look like a dinner plate.

Exam procrastination

Because of exams I am finding new ways for destressing/wasting time.

Here are a collection of pictures that I have taken to illustrate Exam Hibernation Season:

A receipt from Lidl.

The Highlighted yellow items are instant food. Should keep me going for at least a week.

The aforementioned items. Plus some leftover Cadbury's hot chocolate. Which I have now finished. Nesquick ftw!

* * *

I will also be putting up pictures of what I've done with my hair. It's cheap, it's easy and it wastes time. First off: a double French braid.

Not as tight and severe as I usually do it but the looseness makes my hair shiny. A solid 8/10 I think.

Halloween 2009

Yes, I'm already planning my costume. Because I don't want to end up in the middle of October and not know what to wear.

I want to wear this:

But seeing as it costs a bomb for the shirt, skirt (with tie) and socks, I think I will make my own.

So I need:

• A yellow Spongebob t-shirt
• Brown mini skirt or shorts
• A red tie
• White knee high sports socks
• Black Mary Jane heels
  

That is, provided I actually care about going out on Halloween. Because what's the point of a costume if you're not going to go out? I'm still on the fence about that.

Dream Scare

I hate it when dreams get poignant.

I also hate that poignant isn't spelt the way it sounds. So very annoying.

Will try not to think about aforementioned dream but it is haunting me at the moment. Instead of a dream catcher, someone should invent a dream swatter. To go with a memory eraser. And a sin scrubber.

Societies Awards dinner tonight. Dress code is formal so I have to get all fancied up. Deciding between a floor length plain purple dress and a low cut backless blue and black halter dress. Depends on how skinny I feel tonight I suppose.

Also must go to Lidl to stock up on food. Well not really food exactly. Microwave dinners and frozen oven things don't count as food. I will stock up on Milk and croissants. That seems to be the only thing I enjoy eating nowadays - well, hot choc and croissants. Eggs and butter only onthe shopping list when I feel the urge to bake.

Thank God

The water's back on.

My kidneys are saved!

Picture courtesy of lunalil :)
Not the Aberdare Hall toilet but close enough

* * *

On another note, I'm in the midst of doing a lot of things:

1. Meeting up with Annie, the Phoenix Garden manager, to sort out things for CNY 2009
2. Going to letting agencies and looking at houses with Tasha
3. Working on my Jurisprudence assignment
4. Getting my hair cut, which means 2 appointments with Vidal Sassoon

Number 3 is VERY IMPORTANT. Have to really get stuck in soon. Yipes.

* * *

Easter hols will be FANTASTIC. I know this.

Because I'm going to see JASON MRAZ.
In Manchester.
In April.
With Yi Lynn.
With accommodation sorted.

I love my life.
Too bad The Boy isn't coming along but I don't think he'd enjoy me swooning all over the place anyway.

Ah, Monsieur Mraz. How I adore thee.

Yeah, yeah. I adore The Boy better, but everyone's allowed a celebrity crush.

* * *

And I've discovered that I actually have a regular period notwithstanding stress [which makes it longer]. Good to know. At least something about me is regular.
Haha.

Summer Things

Summer shopping list:

*To fill the empty shell in which my soul once resided... No actually, just cos there's a sale on and I oughta stock up on necessities.

• Yellow t-shirt Bra
  Tho you can never have enough good bras
• Asics netball shoes
  Not necessarily netball shoes, but shoes for netball - BUT Netball shoes would be tres awesome.
• Bikini Bottoms from Bods.Bodynits
  This brand really needs to have more outlets.
• Slip-on Heels of my own
  Cos the ones I have now are a bit troublesome (but pretty)
• Neutrogena Mild Facial Cleanser and Face Lotion
  Both good and light. Not too alkaline.
• Sunglasses
  Oakleys like my last pair or at least a pair made for sports. Rubber side grips are a must. I wants to runs around!

Summer To-Do List:

• Watch mucho movies
• Drink lots and lots - of water (haha GOTCHA)
• People to see - Sha, Ezzy, Grace, Ven, Nads, Elisa, Jem, Azzy, Ili, Dennis, Felix, Daniel, Chia Yin
• People to see again - Lea, Ikh, Durv, Squish, Chel, Syaz, David, Alex, baby cousin Bradley

More Things to Eat:

• Prawn crackery-thing lobak
• State Bak-Kut-Teh
• Hokkien Mee
• Loh Meen
• Lum Meen
• Kaya Toast
• Dim Sum (anywhere) - esp PRAWN CHEONG FUN
• Won Ton Meen / Kon Loh Meen
• Prawn Mee
• Penang Assam Laksa
• Pineapple
• big fat Prawn Crackers
• Mum's Chicken Casserole
• Mum's Chicken Rice
• Mum's Spag Bol
• KFC Hot & Spicky Chicken
• McDonald's Chicken McDeluxe
• Kepong Satay

I'm in the office. Still a bit frosty since dad sounded me off for some layout error which wasn't my fault. Brr to you too sir.

* * *

A vision of a holiday near some golden beach is being squashed in the back of my mind. I'm doing the squashing consiously to stop myself from leaping out of the office window in frustration. Sigh. Oi, where's my excuse to go on holiday at? Cepat sikit boleh tak?

I really wanna get away from KL which is why I'm working NOW so I can take mondo holiday time of LATER.
Ooo, U'd better appriciate this. And we'd better have a kick-ass time! Or Else! (Jkn :P)

In Honour of Mr. Hedburg

I've been dying to say this for ages now. Ever since I heard Mitch say it.

"I don't have a boyfriend - but I know a boy who would be very angry if he heard me say that."

Quote Mitch Hedburg in an appropriate situation. Check.

P.S. Just kidding. But C'mon! It's funny :o)

Some new, some old

Its one of those late nights where there is something I should be doing but I don’t feel like doing it. I SHOULD be studying but I’ve done all the notes for EU and I’ll start IP tomorrow. Promise!

So the topic of this post is something along the lines of unintentional change – personality wise. And yes it’s got something to do with relationships *cringe* so reader discretion is advised.

N.B. I really don’t like writing posts about relationships because I don’t think there should be anything to write about. It should be easy going and the only thing to do is be yourself etc.

With reference to the above, that’s the whole problem. Once you like someone, it’s hard not to like the same things they like. I mean, sure there are bound to be similar interests and things like that but after a while it’s tough to disentangle your own likes and dislikes with the other persons. Not to say you lost yourself completely but you find yourself noticing and appreciating things that you never noticed before, just by the sheer fact that you like that person.

When you spend copious amounts of time with a person there is a tendency to try and compromise certain things just because you’re gonna have to spend a lot of time with them in the future and you don’t wanna make things awkward. At this time of writing, nothing in particular springs to mind but the feeling still lingers in my mind. I’m pretty sure I’ve been guilty of it a few times – hidden it a lot, been moody a bit. Credit to The Boy tho he’s been a trooper.
The Boy – the title is now officially yours. Not feeling too possessive today, hence the “The”.
* * *

Personally speaking, I find that when I like someone, and they tell me that they like something that I do or something about me; it makes me madly aware that I do it. And unforch it also makes me wanna do it more just by the mere fact that they like it. Then it ends up I do it too often and it backfires.
I mean, I’m aware of this thing that I do so I really try not to do it.

And now to gush about The Boy – he says those kindsa things, but its things I do that I don’t even try to do to impress him or make him like me. Which is nice cos it means I can be myself and be a slob and things like that. *snicker*

And I’m a firm follower of reciprocal affection. Just a memo for the future.

* * *

I don’t know how many people have had this conversation with their partners or lovers or spouses or other halves (unmarried people anyway) but there’s this line of conversation that involves heavily in discussing marriage, kids, kids names, family and the works.

Not to say that I don’t think about it – not to a detailed degree – but it’s more of a general idea than a time-specific plan.

Of course there are some things that I want in life and some things I expect and there are some things that I’ll just wait and see how it pans out. I’m not so good with specific details – because I need focus. It’s always been the case that when faced with questions, I can come up with some surprising details off the top of my head.

* * *

Summer, I can’t wait for you to get here…

* * *

And Surprisingly I've also learned that sex isn't all about the end result. What a blow for the porn industry. Not literally of course.

A while back...

I regularly get very bored and MSN is a pretty good distraction so when you mix the two together, you get this:

(and read the messages too...)

Backstory: I was in my parent's office, bored stupid and Felix was in Singapore also bored or not doing what he was supposed to be doing. Tic Tac Toe was one of the first games we played on MSN. I beat him in Checkers too surprisingly. I thought I was going to lose. Really. I totally have no confidence in checkers. OR chess either.

The Story that never finished

Lea and I were speculating on the romantic life of a very (understandably) secretive friend of ours who recently got into a relationship with a "mysterious girl" (can you hear Peter Andre singing in the background?). Anyway, we were bored of just guessing and decided to make something up...

When the world was young, there lived a fearless hunter. (me)
of flies. he was the biggest frog ive ever seen (Lea)
The frog was a lone hunter. he hunted for himself and only himself.
However, the frog was lonely.
He craved a princess
a true and beautiful princess, fair of face, body and disposition
she also had to be not-a-frog, as our froggie hunter had some strange fantasies occasionally
oh how he longed for the day when a fair maiden would lie by his bogside and scratch his warts.
he saw how happy his cousin egbert was with his monkey and decided to seek another mammal.
of the hairless kind
or rather
less hairy than a monkey but still relatively hairy when compared to his own species
(but frogs dont have hair...)
(this frog had facial hair ok)
The fretful frog pondered his fate and decided to consult the wise old toad who lived in the swamp of Kedah.
The old toad was said to have divine abilities and could answer any question provided he was presented with good grades.
Our froggie friend worked his croak off that year to provide the grades needed for a divination
At the end of his eforts he was awarded a meagre 3 out of 5 flies. Not disheartened, he hopped onwards, towards the cow-infested swamp.
He had to rush madly through the swamp to escape the toxic cow farts.
Barely escaping the noxious swamp, as he opened his mouth to inhale sweet fresh air, he spotted the odious fortunetelling toad in the distance.
He almost choked as the stench hit him and thrashed wildly to land himself on the mound on wich the great toad sat
Crawling with all his might he dragged his weaked limbs up to the throne of wet leaves and begged the toad to tell him of his one true love.
unfortunately, as the toad was about to answer, a great big cow came and ate the toad.
He begged the cow to puke out the toad, so desperate was he
in the end he bit the cow's udder so hard that the cow screamed until it was hoarse
and the voice of the toad could be heard from within the stomach of the cow.
The toads voice floated out of the distressed cows mouth.
"seek the maiden who is cursed by the peacock. release her from her enchantment and she will be yours forever. she is the one."

Who knows where the story leads to... or if we will ever finish it...

"Over the course of several days..."

Time for a new list!

1. Flights! Out of the country! Soon!
2. Croydon School of Gymnastics
3. Lurve – the definition of
4. Other things I want to get.

I know, I want a lot of things. But there are some things that just catch my eye, that’s all. Ahh, I want an unlimited bank account. Hehe.

* * *

1. I’m leaving, on a jet plane!
I called STA Travel the other day and I’m sending in my travel booking form on Monday (written on Friday). So the plan is to leave on the 19th September – which is the beginning of my residency if it comes through. I’ve applied for a return ticket (valid for a year) so I’ll prob be back in June 2008. Why, you ask? Well:
a) Its cheaper to come back rather than stay there. Even if I work I don’t think it would be worth it.
b) The Boy is begging me to come back after the year is done. How can I resist those puppy dog pleas?

Granted I was planning to stay in the UK before The Boy came along but thinking about it now, even if The Boy and I don’t pan out, it’s still worth coming back. Maybe after my third year I’ll stay there and do my qualification. Long distance has never been so painful before.

2. Croydon School of Gymnastics
is closing down!
Its nuts, I know! I have so many memories there! It’s a total tragedy for it to just be gone because of lack of premises. I love all the coaches that coached me and were so supportive and patient and I can’t imagine it not being around for the next bunch of kids to enjoy themselves. That place really fosters a sense of love for the sport. Its not only great exercise but they make it so fun. If you’re not good enough, they’ll push you to be better, and once you get better you really feel like you’ve progressed. There is never any second best. 100% effort. Which makes it a crying shame when the community over there just lets it die off.

So if you live in Croydon or in London or anywhere, join the Facebook group or even better, petition the city council if you can. Do whatever you can. Trust me. This is a truly worthwhile cause.

3. Lurve – the definition of
I think I’d better define my definition of love before I contradict myself.

To clarify, I’ve never been in love. I’ve been in like. And I imagine being in love is similar but more intense? It’s just a guess.
So what do I think love feels like? Well, like I said, I’ve never felt it, but it think I have a pretty good idea from a dream I had. I woke up with the most awesome feeling of being in love and being loved. Very cool.

Well to me, it was kinda like the feeling of being warm and tingly all over and being with that one person who you love and who you know loves you back and you don’t even have to say it, you just know.

Yeah. The unspoken bond. You can remove the stereotype stick from my ribs please. I know how cliché it sounds.

I mean, I believe in love and I want to be in love. I just don’t want to waste saying the 3 words when I don’t feel it. When you say something often, it tends to lose its meaning.

And love has very little to do with lust. Just to clarify. Remember. I am immoral.

And. It’s still no.

4. Other things I want to get.
Sports bra from Sorella. Cos the ones I have give no shape and let my boobs bounce around too much. And they give it a line when I wear t-shirts. The Sorella one is pretty good cos it’s got wire and gives shape and it’s not uncomfortable so I wanna get it. And it’s only RM39.90. KLCC Isetan.
Jeans. Choice #1: P&Co. Choice #2: PDI Hipster Jeans. Choice #3: Any jeans that are low waist, boot leg and not stretchy.
Studs. Cos The Netball tournament is on grass and they (the rest of the other players) said wearing studs would definitely be recommended. I’m not entirely sure what they studs look like or how they attach to my shoes, but I’ll try and find out.
RAM. For my Notebook. It's at 512MB now but it can go up to 2Gigs. I want to upgrade it before I go... Dunno how much that's gonna set me back.

* * *

FYI, my parent’s office address is:
SL Consultants
1220, 12th Floor, Block A, Damansara Intan.
Use Entrance 4 and go to the 12th floor. Turn left out of the elevator and left again. The glass door on the right with the keypad opposite AlfaCom.

Save me!

* * *

Having lunch with Ee Leen this week. Apparently she’s interning at her dad’s friend’s law firm which so happens to be in the same building block as I am; tho entrance 6. She’s knows how to use a typewriter! It’s so fun! No. really. It is. And you can delete letters and words too! It’s so cool! Mostly for filling out forms and things. I think most law firms have at least one. The law firm I was in last time had one too, tho it hadn’t been used in ages.
Edit: She's bailed on me today. Damnit. Got to eat some Thai Fried rice of Mum's. Pretty damn good.

* * *

Aunt Flo’s going to pay a visit soon so that’s going to suck. Tho lately she hasn’t been such a pain. She’s just annoying to deal with all the time.

* * *

I’m thinking that The Boy and I aren’t compatible. It’s pretty obvious. But why stick it out? I can live without an other half – and seeing as this current other half isn’t really my other half, more of just AN other half, why stick with it. I reckon it’s a why not instead of a why. Living by a “why not” is much more opening.

And I kinda guess getting into this is partially my fault. I was the one who gave him that “live for the now” speech.

“If something good comes along now, why give it up just because it might
not work out?”

I distinctly remember myself saying that. Me and my big mouth.

* * *

And I highly recommended that people ____________ because… I say so.
(a) listen to Michael Buble’s Everything
(b) watch Supernatural
(c) read Jeffery Archer
(d) believe everything I say *mwahahaha*

Get the Skinny. Shoes, Sex, and Stinking.

I‘ve been thinking about all the things I want to write on my blog and the list is overwhelming.

1. Getting skinny and henceforth eating more
2. What I need to buy – not really necessities but required clothing nonetheless
Which leads to
3. Shoes
4. Elisa and Lea and ThouWhoShouldNotBeMentioned and the whole Sex thing.
5. New label – “Candid”. For relationship things now that not everything is so depressing.
6. Working stinks.
7. Clubbing

Ok, have to get out of the office – finally. So I have to log off. Will continue this later.

-Tuesday, 5.56pm.

* * *

Ok, so I was out for a couple of days not blogging. Good thing I wrote down that list. There is more to add to that but let’s just get started shall we?

1. The skinny.
Fact: My pants are looser. Fact: My wrists are smaller. Fact: I do not own a scale so I go by clothes.
I think its cos of stress. First it was exams. And when that was over with there were scheduling probs with The Boy. During exams I did loose a fair bit of weight but nothing I was too worried about. Then after exams just lying at home, too lazy to fix my own lunch, I lost some more. Then all the worrying about The Boy and how we are and what we are gonna do or not do or whatever. I’m a constant worrier of relationship things as you are well aware.
So as a guess, I have lost a bit of weight as counted by the loosened pants and the lack of inches around my waist.
There is one thing about this that troubles me. I’ve always been quite round and chubby, especially thru the puberty phase and all and I’ve always wanted to lose a few inches around the tummy area. However, when you friends start saying how skinny you are getting, it raises a few flags in my head. Am I skinny-you’ve lost the baby fat, good for you-skinny, or skinny-you’ve lost too much, we are scared you are getting anorexic-skinny?
I mean, I’m happy I look better in t-shirts and things but the lack of ass is annoying. My boobs are still firmly meaty tho.
I do love to eat but my skipping lunch is not really a problem for me anymore. It used to be: skip lunch = whine to mum about dinner. Now it’s: skip lunch = wait for dinner. There is a big diff. I still like to eat but I definitely think my stomach has shrunk. Like after the 30-Hour Famine feeling. The smallest morsel of food makes you satisfied.
And then there is the added fat-burning netball practice – now twice a week till end of June. THAT, plus I’m playing CENTRE. Which means twice the running I’m used too. I need to work on my stamina but with the long hours in the office and the late coming home (from office – I blame parents), I don’t have time to go swimming or even go jogging. And no way’ I’m getting up at 6am to do either. I’m not a morning person.
So: less food – check. More exercise – check. More stress – check. Loss of appetite – check. I’m well on my way to a really unhealthy lifestyle. I want to not work. It would really solve a lot. I think.

2. What I need to buy
Track pants. Tight ones that stick to my legs and don’t flop around like baggy pants. I was thinking Nike – cos of the DriFit fabric, but that’s just cos I have expensive taste. Anything that fits me and isn’t waist high will be fine. I am realizing that shorts during netball are not too comfy. I mean, they are ok, but my legs need airing and if I sit like guys sit to cool down, my shorts are pretty exposed.
New trainers. The ones I bought 3 years ago (that’s right! Time for new ones!) are, um, falling apart. If you can call a bit of rubber on the bottom getting unstuck. I’m so bored with the white ones. I want funky coloured ones. I want the silver and neon green Reeboks that were so comfy! Damn you empty bank account.
A black fabric belt. I know I can get one from 1Utama. 2 belts for RM10. And they are reversible. Which makes it 4 belts for RM10. Not so much a want as a fashion necessity.

Oh. In addition to things I want (for like a present) – Notebook sleeve / holder / bag. Probably from Penskin, Golla, or something else that’s not black, sissy or plain. Really expensive so not expecting any returns on this wish. No harm in trying.

3. Shoes
As above, I want new trainers. I also want the Everlast shoes. I can't find a picture to post up to show you so if you want to know what they are like, just ask. They are RM69.90 by the way and almost out of sizes!

4. ThouWhoShouldNotBeMentioned (Sex)
I took down the name from the last post. Had a lot of questions about that I it kinda felt think I was betraying a confidence so name is down but statement still applies.
Elisa was webcamming me in the office that day so she read it and asked some questions and figured it out. I mean its fine and all to ask me about it. I don’t mind. It’s the whole judgemental thing I want to stay away from. Not that you are not entitled to your own opinion about sex but its different once you actually have to face it and deal with it and after you do, a lot of things change. It’s not so taboo anymore and because I have some questions, I’d prefer talking to someone who won’t judge me. Well, not as much as the others might.
It’s hard to talk about sex when: a) you’re not sure if the person’s had it, b) how they deal with talking about it, and c) how they will perceive you once they know what your situation is. By the way, the answer to the above for me is: a) no, b) very candidly, and c) I’m probably the most immoral and outrageous of my bunch of friends so if I frown on you, you are defiantly going to hell.

5. “Candid”
To deal with the relationship issues that doesn’t make me sad. Like talking about what the guy did and what questions I have about “us”. And especially about sex. I have to be rather in a nonchalant mood to talk about it as if it were a whole normal thing.

And while I’m at it, the previous post about “being in love” is moot. Rephrase to “being in lust”. I know - I’m a bad Christian, but… I have no excuse. Temptation is too fun.

And the answer is still No.
His answer that is.
Oh, mine is too btw. *sly wink*

6. Working stinks.
Picture a secretary. Then picture her in a really small cubicle. Now make her chair immobile. Now imagine her boss is a total spaz. Now imagine she doesn’t get paid. Or have a car. Or the ability to escape her employers even once she gets home.
Welcome to my work week.
Tho I do get one day off (negotiated).The office makes my nose clog or something. Whatever it is, the office is reaaaaaally dry. The old office was and the new office is. I think my parents are like human moisture suckers or something. And they don’t feel the dryness at all. I’m like drinking water all day so I won’t crackle up and disintegrate into dust. And yet, I try not to drink so much because then I would have to climb out of the prison that is my chair and go to the loo every 15 minutes – no joke.

And I get the most mundane jobs too. I’m the best photocopier in the office (of 4 people) so I get the glamorous job of sitting in front of the 4-in-1 printer-scanner-fax-copier for 4 hours breathing in toner powder.
And let’s not forget binding. Which is preferable to copying because at least I have something to do all the time instead of pressing a button and waiting.
Other than the admin stuff I have a file of invoices that I have to enter into the accounting system, also known as data entry. THE most boring and not-worthwhile job ON THE PLANET. If it were up o me, I’d quit and look for another job. No amount of money could possibly tempt me to ever do data entry. Even for a million ringgit. Make that pound sterling and we should talk…

7. Clubbing
Thursday night + Maison = Ladies night + R&B! The best time ever! Unforch, The Boy asked to see me on Thursday so No Clubbing for Moi. Was planning on taking Friday off and seeing him then, but I usually cave. No biggie. I can go some other time, plus I would feel dead tired the next day and what with Saturday and Sunday killer practices, I may just collapse. And it’s no fun if Your Boy isn’t there dancing with you.

* * *

The Boy has immaculate timing. Just when I kicked him out of the house (not literally - like how celebs kick the Mtv Cribs crew out) I was feeling all like “it’s all very physical” and “there’s no like real connection” and “I don’t know what he’s thinking”. 10 minutes later on the way to Futsal he msgs me to know he appreciates me. I could copy it verbatim but it’s not required.

I would be a shitty celeb. I don’t like telling people about my situation unless they ask. And I don’t like people prying into my personal issues unless I need and ask for help. Yeah, the paparazzi can lick my middle finger.

Oh, we (Boy and I) are kinda hooked on this game called Last Chaos. It’s an online free MMORPG. Kinda like WOW but smaller. Fun tho. He’s way more addicted to it than I am. Not so much an issue – tho I get bored sometimes and I want ATTENTION! But heading the list on Facebook of “There Are Some Things Girls Should Always Do For Guys. Period.”, I allow him the small window of nerdiness. And I take comfort that at least I play it too.

The Boy has a lack of money. It shouldn’t annoy me. But it does. Cos I paid for his lunch (RM12.50) and… there was no compensation. I mean, at least offer. I think I would have said no. But at least offer. Oh well, no major harm.
Things would work a lot easier if we were on the same pay scale. But he tells me his family has financial issues with juggling money here and in Australia so I’ll give him a bye this time.
We haven’t gone to see a movie in ages. So technically we aren’t going out. Weird huh.

* * *

Sex: Yes please.
[Reference to old McDonald’s application joke. Chill.]

I have slept with him however. Where “sleeping with” is defined as “sleeping. In the same bed. Next to each other.” Albeit, with minimal clothing.

* * *

With all the other guys I dated. Or something close to that, I could usually tell what they were thinking. Andin turn, manipulate them to my evil needs. Mwahahahahahaha... Evil laugh aside, I can't read this one. I think I've mentioned this before. And it troubles me because I have slight control freak issues and I constatly worry if he's gonna cheat on me. Because he does love his sex, that I will say. Could i like put a tracker on him or something? Just a thought.

The Comeback!

I was thinking about sitting down and writing this in the shower and now that I’m in the office and left to my own devices, I’m buckling down and really going to writing it. Fighting with the procrastinator and winning…

Anyway, this post will consist of several parts. There is the part about content changes. The part about birthdays. The part about friends. And that will lead to the part about the Boy, which I will try and keep to a minimum. Reasons for which will be elaborated on below (so you have to read the entire thing. [Insert evil laugh]).

So yeah, content changes. I guess it’s pretty obvious that I’ve been neglecting my well-invested property in cyber space and although I can’t promise regular updates, I will try and make up for lack of quantity with excellent quality. Kinda like Maddox, but with less swearing.

Oh and I guess I should let you know what I’ve been up to. Exams up to my eyeballs for one thing. Tho that’s been over with for a little less than a month now. Results are out on the 15th (June) and to be honest, I can’t wait for them to come out. I really studied like a mad woman. And no, I’m not overly confident of what I’m gonna get, I just figure that the hard work is over with and what the results will be is no longer in my hands. Although one can always hope that the examiners are having a good day and are feeling generous *fingers crossed*.

And after exams, I bummed around at home and thoroughly enjoyed every single minute of doing nothing. And if I complained about being bored it’s because I had the expectation of doing something. Which is annoying if the doing something doesn’t materialize. So yeah, I had about 2 leisure filled weeks of lazing around the house. I’m so glad I did because I’m now stuck in my parents' dry-as-a-desert office in Damansara Intan. That’s the Prudential building after the Damansara toll if anyone gets the idea of rescuing me one day.

So anyway, mum’s got me posting invoices so the article may be a bit disjointed.

Birthdays. Ah yes, lots of birthday’s this month it seems. Happy Birthday to Michelle, Charlaine, Ezati, Aishah and… I’ve forgotten who else. Sorry. If your birthday is coming up, I may or may not remember. Yeah, so that’s covered all the bases.
And I’ve come up with a birthday wishlist of my own. No need to scratch ur head and wonder what to get me, I’ll be perfectly happy, if not happier if you ask me or get me whatever is on my list. And no, I have no shame.
WishList: Everlast shoes (KLCC), Jeans from P&Co (S-size), long sleeve t-shirts (for UK) and perhaps boots but I’m thinking I only really want one new pair of shoes.
I want to get August off from work so I can just relax. All things considering that I get into UK and/or I don’t have to do resits.

Tho it’s the hols, I haven’t seen many people. Mainly cos I’m a bit too busy to organize stuff. People I have yet to see: Felix, Malcolm, Elisa, Sunisha, Sabrina, Syazwan, Chelly, Shaun, Seng, KM, Naidu, and other various people that are around or will be around. But those are the names that I can recall and have talked to. Shaun and Seng onwards are kinda like tradition so it goes without saying.
I’m worried that all the old school friends are starting to grow apart. And it really pisses me off when people acknowledge it but fail to do anything about it. As if all the years that we spent together in school or wherever mean nothing. I mean, I hope to have long lasting friends and I understand that although we may lack the coolness of Uni or College friends but give us a chance. What ever happened to friends forever (stupid cliché)? But u know the concept is good.

The Boy. Who’s nickname now streams from ScaryGoRound. I think it’s appropriate. Descriptive yet vague. Good to keep private things private and yet enough to acknowledge his presence. Anyway, I’ve been having some rather destructive relationship thoughts and with the ban on talking to Lea, I’ve been more erratic than a yo-yo. Seriously. This is what I go thru on a daily basis...

If I haven’t heard from him in a while I start to doubt how he feels and wonder if it’s worth it.
I think: I don’t think he likes me as much as I do or as he did.
My inner voice: He does. You’re just trying to think bad thoughts.
I reply: But the fact that there are bad thoughts is a bad sign.
But: No one is perfect. Focus on the positive.
Me: But, but, it’s like he’s not trying.
The other Me: He’s trying, ok. You’re just not seeing how. Relationships aren’t what you think.
Me: But the other one was nicer.
Myself: The other one dumped your ass. Forget him. This one’s a keeper.
And I: I guess. I’m just not sure sure. I mean, I’m going to UK in Sept. Can I trust him to be alone for 9 months?
Right Brain: Yes. You have to at least trust him. You owe him that much. He’s giving up 9 months too.
Left Brain: Ok, that makes sense.

Something like that but it ultimately ends with me being convinced its worth staying around. Which I guess is good, but I feel the whole internal argument is a waste of time and energy.

This whole issue would be a lot more precise and more edgy if I were not chatting with him right now. *cheesy grin*.

Plus, I bought him the Prison Break – Season 1 DVD set (well, shared with Ezati) so I might as well let him watch that before I do anything drastic. AND he’s got my Bluetooth receiver hostage. Btw, anyone got Prison Break – Season 2?

Btw, SheWhoShouldNotBeNamed! I need to discuss certain personal issues with you. Heh. Sorry Lea, Personal experience beats all.

edit: I took the name out cos... its a bit personal.

And just for the record, I have not had sex. Yet. Honestly, looking forward to it. But I will promise to be sensible about it. He may be horny, but he’s rather patient with this. Plus, popping it will be messy I hear.

And my policy on personal questions is: You can ask anything – I may or may not answer. Mwahaha.

* * *

I had a nightmare that he found this blog. And I got so screwed…

Who's Line coming atcha!

I love Colin Mochrie.

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At times like these, I really do love my Law Department...

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That stinking feeling

This is bad. This is very bad.

Self-induced badness sucks.

There is nothing wrong that he is aware of. There is nothing outwardly wrong. It’s all me. I take full blame for this.

So what is the problem, you ask?

The problem is I feel nothing. Or close to nothing. Or something that is not really what it should be.

Kinda like: I know I should like him. I do sorta. We are not stable yet obviously. But I think by now I should feel like there is some potential to feel that.

I was thinking, if I don’t feel stable enough by post-exam, then I can't take this to the UK, even if he wants to. I just wouldn’t feel secure enough.

I feel sick to my stomach now.

I have to and will talk to him about this and how it can be fixed. A simple discussion is enough to resolve this – I’m pretty certain. But then again, it might all go horribly wrong. The last time I tried resolving this with a Boy it went all kinds of crazy and I was the one who suffered.

I want this thing to last; because I know we can last this but the issue has to be pushed. We don’t have enough time around each other and with September looming, all this emotional baggage has to be dumped out. Um, slowly tho.

There is, I think, one main thing that he does that I don’t think he knows how bad it hits me. He likes to “disturb me” in the sense that he’ll say something – and I know very well he is joking – just to see what I’ll say and how I’ll react and all and it’s all a big laugh when he’ll switch back and contradict himself later on. Mainly what he bugs me on is that he’ll say something about going out with another girl and blahblahblah. Don’t panic, he’s kidding. I know he is kidding. Trust me. And I would say something and something. And it’s like usual.

However, there is a niggling issue – that sort of, rots inside. I can’t stand the thought of being cheated on. Mainly thanks to past experience (if you can count that as cheating – I kinda do) it’s like a constant worry, because I don’t think I could take it if that happened to me again. I’ve told him the ultimatum and he knows I’m serious but he doesn’t know how hurt I would be. Think, 100% first degree burns – on the inside. Radiation poisoning and so on and so forth. The thought of it makes me sick.

I’ll talk to him after Wednesday. I may feel awful now but he’s got finals and this can wait. And if things do go all down the drain, it wouldn’t be my exams that suffer – cos it was my fault, right? So if I initiated things, it wouldn't be as distracting to me. I can try and compartmentalise for now.

And in conjunction with that, there are other past things that I have to suck up and deal with too. Like: I’m tempted to have a serious, emotional conversation – sounds boring to me, but I think it has to be done, or something – but the last time I tried that (over msn, mind you) I got dumped. Well, we were never together, but it was bad news. So, fear must be overcome.

There is that whole thing that all guys are the same. And I’m resting on that.

Is it too much to ask him to show me how much he likes me? Not even show; how about just telling? Cos right now I don’t know if I’m a 3 or an 8 on his list and I can tell you, it’s a pretty long list. 10 being tops btw. And the whole problem is, if I ask him, and he says tops, can I trust the answer? Even if I do trust the answer, I may think back o it and doubt it. It has to come from the heart – which means no prompts from me. Sigh. Stupid. I should just ask, huh?
Edit: I was just thinking, if i have to ask"Is it too much to ask...", it usually is, isn't it? (rhetorical question btw)

I reiterate what I have said before (I think, or said to Lea, I can’t remember): I am relationship retarded. There should be a font bigger than "Largest".

* * *

Oh and I have thought of another reason why he doesn’t want his parents to know (I thought this up a while back, but I kept forgetting):
In case I call the house and they pick up and they let slip that I’m one of many or something like that.

Rather possible if I were completely cynical and totally untrusting. I’m getting there tho! All you relationship cynics must be so proud.

* * *

How do you deal with separation? I mean, I’m worrying my ass off because I haven’t seen him (properly) for… well since Wednesday, so you do the math (4 days). I know what he’s up to and I’m not worried about him stepping out on me, but there’s that whole “missing him” thing. I do, I know I do, I know he does, and yet… can’t he at least say it? Or better yet, I should just keep thinking “he misses me!” and all will be fine and dandy.

Ladies, if you have any clueless men in your lives, make them read this blog, I will take them so far into the female psyche, they may never look at a woman as sane again. I mean, I’m perfectly functional in the normal sense – but when in relationships, all hell breaks loose up there. It sucks ass.

I just want to see him and talk to him. I don’t know guys. I know guys as friends and they are easy to understand. And you don’t really care so much what they think. I can’t treat this one like that because we aren’t just friends and we never were. And if we do spilt (I can’t help but keep self preservation switch on) we won’t be. I’m friends with my so-called exes, but not by choice. It’s hard. Totally hard, because when you think of them in that way, it’s difficult to go back to being friends, and it’ll be harder if you never were that before. The line that you cross from being friends to more is quite a step, but at least there is a line. What if you started out on the other side, how do you step out?

Anyway, I’m really not in the mood to think about breaking up. Tho in a sense, sometimes I just want to tell him, can we just be FWB (Friends With Benefits)? Tho I would make a shitty FWB – I’m such a noob. Just, sort of like what we are now, minus the emotion.

Emotions suck. It’s like being stuck in a tumble dryer and then expected to function normally.

So to sum it up, we will talk. But after Wednesday.

* * *

I think all this is, is I want him to know about where I'm coming from. Then at least if he knows, and knows what I'm feeling - he doesn't have to do anything - then I'll feel better.