Are you Malaysian?
Yes.
Then read this
Not Malaysian?
Read it anyway.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Monday, January 09, 2006
Matters of the freakin' heart
I would like to consider myself reasonably well versed in the matters of the heart; taking from personal experience and from watching the TV soap opera that life sometimes is.
Not to brag (well, yeah, ok, it’s bragging) but I think I’m a pretty clear cut judge of character, except of course, when it comes to the people I have crushes on. What is it about being in the spotlight that impairs our judgement so?
There are a few truths that I have painfully filtered out through many painful relationships (mine and other peoples) and will share with the World Wide Web that is my audience.
Truth #1
When in a relationship, the person who you are so enamoured with is viewed through rose-tinted lenses.
Absolutely true. This is a fact. It is only once you end the whole thing – and subsequently get over the denial/anger/hatred/self-loathing – that you see the person for who they really are. Not to say that deep down people are scum, but your view – at the time of courtship - is severely impaired.
And of course, all this information is of no use to those who have just started their relationships and are currently in the throes (in a non-sexual way) of passion. People who come to this realisation are usually those who have either: a) been dumped and have gotten over that person, or b) are still in a relationship and have gotten over the initial “honeymoon stage”. The b) people are lucky because they have found someone who really sees the person as other people see them. Not as a person on a pedestal. Which, of course, is what we all really want isn’t it?
Moving on…
Truth #2
When in a relationship, and so blissfully happy as a result, you try your hardest to make the people surrounding you to become as blissfully happy as you are, no matter how hard they resist.
And the stupid thing is that you are so caught up in the whirlwind of emotions that you tend to ignore the feelings of other people. It is so hard to imagine other people being unhappy or depressed or worried or stressed when you’re feeling so good about yourself. You literally have to step off cloud 9 (why do they call it that any way?) and bring yourself back to earth.
Trying to make other people be happy is kinda like looking into a mirror and if you see something wrong, you try and fix it. And you would fix it the same way you would fix it, by being with the one and only person in the whole entire solar system that makes you blissful. Being guilty of matchmaking is a common thing for any new couple to do. Or any couple in general.
Truth #3
Well I only have 2 real truths. The third is basically just a realisation and a justification of sorts of why we (women I suppose. I don’t know about the guys) go thru the tumble dryer of emotions that we do.
What I’ve realised:
You may have read about all the self help books and articles on what people feel after a break-up and why. I’m not going to tell you which emotion to go thru first because that’s really an individual choice. It may be anger, or denial or hatred, but evidently we go through them all. And I’ll tell you why. It’s because of all the emotion that we had stored up for that person. The larger amount of time and effort we are willing to invest in a person, the longer and harder it is to let go. But letting go is the easy part. Eventually all the emotions subside and clarity is achieved; but before that there is the release of emotions that we hold inside.
Not only does the amount of time and effort we were going to put into a relationship count, but also the time spent together.
For example, take couple A. They have been together for 4 months and girl A is already planning the wedding. Boy A is thinking about the football game tomorrow. Boy A breaks up with girl A. Boy A takes 2 weeks to get over it. Girl A takes 3 months.
Why the difference in time? Not because boys are wired with different emotions but because he wasn’t as invested in the relationship as the girl was.
Second example:
Couple B; been together for 4 years. Girl B starts to feel like it’s not working out. After 3 months of feeling like this, she calls it off. She takes 6 months, he takes 2 years.
Now they were both equally invested in the relationship, tho not the girl at the end. The main reason is the same as example 1, she wasn’t as invested.
Still not clear?
Here is my hypothesis in graphical form:
Not to brag (well, yeah, ok, it’s bragging) but I think I’m a pretty clear cut judge of character, except of course, when it comes to the people I have crushes on. What is it about being in the spotlight that impairs our judgement so?
There are a few truths that I have painfully filtered out through many painful relationships (mine and other peoples) and will share with the World Wide Web that is my audience.
Truth #1
When in a relationship, the person who you are so enamoured with is viewed through rose-tinted lenses.
Absolutely true. This is a fact. It is only once you end the whole thing – and subsequently get over the denial/anger/hatred/self-loathing – that you see the person for who they really are. Not to say that deep down people are scum, but your view – at the time of courtship - is severely impaired.
And of course, all this information is of no use to those who have just started their relationships and are currently in the throes (in a non-sexual way) of passion. People who come to this realisation are usually those who have either: a) been dumped and have gotten over that person, or b) are still in a relationship and have gotten over the initial “honeymoon stage”. The b) people are lucky because they have found someone who really sees the person as other people see them. Not as a person on a pedestal. Which, of course, is what we all really want isn’t it?
Moving on…
Truth #2
When in a relationship, and so blissfully happy as a result, you try your hardest to make the people surrounding you to become as blissfully happy as you are, no matter how hard they resist.
And the stupid thing is that you are so caught up in the whirlwind of emotions that you tend to ignore the feelings of other people. It is so hard to imagine other people being unhappy or depressed or worried or stressed when you’re feeling so good about yourself. You literally have to step off cloud 9 (why do they call it that any way?) and bring yourself back to earth.
Trying to make other people be happy is kinda like looking into a mirror and if you see something wrong, you try and fix it. And you would fix it the same way you would fix it, by being with the one and only person in the whole entire solar system that makes you blissful. Being guilty of matchmaking is a common thing for any new couple to do. Or any couple in general.
Truth #3
Well I only have 2 real truths. The third is basically just a realisation and a justification of sorts of why we (women I suppose. I don’t know about the guys) go thru the tumble dryer of emotions that we do.
What I’ve realised:
You may have read about all the self help books and articles on what people feel after a break-up and why. I’m not going to tell you which emotion to go thru first because that’s really an individual choice. It may be anger, or denial or hatred, but evidently we go through them all. And I’ll tell you why. It’s because of all the emotion that we had stored up for that person. The larger amount of time and effort we are willing to invest in a person, the longer and harder it is to let go. But letting go is the easy part. Eventually all the emotions subside and clarity is achieved; but before that there is the release of emotions that we hold inside.
Not only does the amount of time and effort we were going to put into a relationship count, but also the time spent together.
For example, take couple A. They have been together for 4 months and girl A is already planning the wedding. Boy A is thinking about the football game tomorrow. Boy A breaks up with girl A. Boy A takes 2 weeks to get over it. Girl A takes 3 months.
Why the difference in time? Not because boys are wired with different emotions but because he wasn’t as invested in the relationship as the girl was.
Second example:
Couple B; been together for 4 years. Girl B starts to feel like it’s not working out. After 3 months of feeling like this, she calls it off. She takes 6 months, he takes 2 years.
Now they were both equally invested in the relationship, tho not the girl at the end. The main reason is the same as example 1, she wasn’t as invested.
Still not clear?
Here is my hypothesis in graphical form:
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Body Language 101
How to read a woman (without opening your mouth)
We shall go from top to below-the-bottom:
HAIR
Depending on the season and weather conditions, hair is quite hard to read in terms of what’s going on in her head.
Basically,
hair up means: I can’t be bothered to brush my hair. Au natural, that’s what I say; and
hair down means: look at my lovely luxurious feminine hair. I’m such a girly girl. Teeheeheehee HEE.
Usually, girls with long hair who frequently keep it down, don’t tend to like guys with long hair either. Don’t ask me why, it’s just something I’ve noticed.
Hair in a cap: bad hair day – it is best not to mess with this girl. Even worse if you pull her cap off. She could react in two ways: Scream and yell Bloody Mary or glare at you nonchalantly and ignore you. If she ignores you, there’s something deeper that’s bugging her.
Ladies with shorter cropped hair are rather limited in terms of hair options and are therefore harder to decipher.
But take, for example, a girl with short hair who styles it with wax/gel;
Gelled/Waxed: took those extra 5 minutes to slap on some hair cement this morning
Ungelled/unstyled: ran out of hair cement and had to settle for water
MAKE-UP
I, myself, am not a big fan of make-up: I find it tedious and pointless. Well, on a daily basis anyway.
Make-up: "Look at meee! I look so preeety! Mummy says I look like a beeeutiifool butterfly!!!11! Oh thank you! Thank you! World Peace!"
Make-off: "Don’t look at me! I’m hideous! Can’t you see my inner beauty instead? You shallow and superficial ass-wipes!"
EYEWEAR
The eyes are the window to the soul. So the frame is obviously very important.
Glasses: Ah am so smart. Loookie me! Ehem. Yah. Oh course I wear glasses! Silly billy ;)
No Glasses: Hello? Who’s there? Did someone say something?
Shades: I am… the One – “dun dun DUNNNN” *gets bitch slapped*
EARRINGS
Preeety dangly cat toys hanging precariously from flesh bits of the ear. Yay.
Dangly: Attention WANTER
Studs: Attention Seeker
No earrings: Nudist
No earring hole: Chicken.
Huge ass hole: "I have a hole in my head" [Well said]
NECK ACCESSORIES
And for those who "dunno" what accessories are, they are those other things like bracelets and necklaces that… oh nevermind. You wouldn’t know what an accessory what if it came alive and bit you in the nads.
Necklaces: It is a pretty necklace and it suits my clothes today (Loong Necklaces worn with low cut tops: Look at my boobiezz! )
Necklaces with pendants: It is a pretty necklace but only this stupid thing hanging from it matches what I’m wearing
Necklaces with butterfly pendants: "I want to be like Mariah Carey! OMG!!"1!!
Chokers: Like, I’m so hip and rebellious (sooo last century, hello?)
But pearls are classy. But only in context. Pearls at a formal dinner – OK; pearls at a frat party with horny drunken college idiots – stay back! Jail bait! She’s probably only 12!
NAILS
Nail polish is so a girl thing. Unfortunately.
Painted: at least they can’t see my deformed ugly nails
Painted black: I have frostbite
Painted with nail art: I have enough money to splurge on useless frivolities like this and then shove it in my "friends'" face and watch her admire and envy me. MWAHAHA
Unpainted: Who gives a fuck about nails.
Extra: Guys with painted nails: I am secure enough with my masculinity to paint my nails (and also gullible enough to believe the girl that told him so)
BRACELETS
Oh those annoying flashy things that more often than not, get caught in hair/fences/braces etc.
Shape:
Thin: minimalist
Thick: maximalist
Many thins: maxi minimalist (she is an oxymoron)
Colour:
Red: for ze passion!
Blue: Ahoy Sailor!
Green: Save the trees! The birds! The whales! (I keep my collection on the mantle. Where do you keep yours?)
Black: I hate you. The world. It’s nothing personal. You suck. Grrr.
CLOTHES:
What a woman wears is of the utmost importance. To her. To you, it’s either, clothes; no clothes. Easy choice; but try and understand the complexities of putting on clothes everyday.
DRESSES
I like dresses. Easy, simple, one-piece outfits. Ready to wear and no matching necessary. But depending on style and colour they have different connotations.
Colour:
Every colour except black: Nice day huh?
Black: My father/mother/grandparent/gerbil DIED! WAHHHHHHH! [sympathy is needed]
Style:
Low-cut: You’d be better off going to prom or down Chow Kit with that dress.
High-hemmed: ditto as above
With bows: Front – lil’ lost farm girl; Back – wannabe lil’ lost farm girl
TOP
T-shirts, shirts, blouses; they all really mean the same thing. The Item of cloth that covers a girls ta-tas. Now before you try and pull the wretched material what’s obstructing your view away take in mind whether she’s up for it…
N.B. The following list is in reverse hierarchical order. i.e. Length trumps sleeves.
SLEEVES:
Long: noooooo touchie!
Short: casual, friendly. Belies a deeper and more vicious mean streak
One sleeve: Did you get lost on the way to the “dressing-yourself” lesson?
No sleeves: Phew! It’s hot here. And by hot, I mean me ;)
Bonus: No straps: JACKPOT!
LENGTH
Below the belt: Definitely. No. Touchie.
Belt-visible: And let’s keep it that way
Above belt: Lookie, lookie! Oh, you just missed it!
Midriff: Belly, what belly? Huh? HAH!
BOTTOMS
Now duh, if you’re gonna wear a top then obvious;y you gotta wear bottoms too right? YES. RIGHT.
Got 2 choices, skirt or pants.
Skirt: Girly, girlie, girlie GIRL!
Pants: Of course I’m a girl you cuntface!
Length wise, both are the same;
Long: Watchu looking at?
Cropped (from mid-calf to knee): I wanna run! I wanna run! Where are we goin’? C’mon! C’mon!
Short: HEL-lo
Mini-Short: I. Can’t. Sit. Down.
Micro-Short: What’s "underwear"?
SHOES
Shoes are the first things girls look at when looking at a guy. Usually. For the first time. Same with other girls. I think. Anyway, shoes can tell you a lot about a person. If they are neat or scruffy, if they are sporty or dorky, that kinda stuff. Girls can usually tell on instinct what kind of person another girl is just by judging her shoes. If she doesn’t like them, then she won’t like the person either. Guys should also learn to read shoes, they are the easiest way to tell what kind of mood she’s in.
Slippers: laid-back, i-don’t-really-care-about-anything-at-the-moment
Sandals: too hot to wear shoes; to formal to wear slippers, but sandals should do it. [there are sandal-holics btw]
OK, note: there is a difference between sandals and slippers. Slippers are just the flip-flips with a piece of rubber running between the big toe and the other one. Sandals have a strap behind the ankle.
High heels: Trying to look like a lady here. Watch where you’re walking! *squish* Sorry!
Trainers: I’m expecting to do a lot of walking so let’s go. The sooner we go, the sooner we finish. LET’S GO ALREADY.
Boots: Aren’t I SEX-AY? Kiss my sexy boots. Go on, kiss them.
SOCKS
Socks are ok. But they shold never be seen. Really, I’m all for foot comfort and all that, but as impractical as it sounds, I think the era of leg warmers and overgrown shoe fluff is way past it’s prime. Either hide them under some long pants or wear short socks. So,
For covered shoes exclusively:
High socks: DORK! (or Japanese school-girl wannabe, which equals to DORK! Anyway)
Ankle socks: smart and fashion savvy. You will pass thru the invisible fashion-bleugh detector undetected. Congratulations.
No socks: Good God woman?! Have you never heard of foot-hygiene?! I sentence you to an immediate dunking in the town duck pond and the cremation of those crimes against nasal passages everywhere!
ANKLETS
Yes, very DAHLING. Can be handmade or store bought, as long as they aren’t as gaudy as a clowns pants and less noisy than a tambourine.
Jingly ones: Cute, but not appropriate. Likes attention this one. Even at the expense of personal sanity.
Handmade: Hardworking. Yet pointless.
Store bought: rich biatch
Store bought but handmade: rich pointlessness
THE WHOLE ENSOMBLE
Now, it all had no meaning if you don’t put it altogether.
It basically doesn’t matter what she’s wearing, but how she’s wearing it. Mood-wise, this is a basic guide to guessing how she’s feeling, but if she’s wearing black and being all bubbly, then obviously she’s not Goth and depressed. Visa versa, even if she’s wearing yellow and cropped pants and slippers but still kinda lethargic and sleepy, then something is obviously wrong.
So gentlemen, take heed. It pays to pay attention. It may get you some booty, it may help you avoid a fight.
And as a last note, if a girl in high heels is forced to walk non-stop up and down town for 6+ hours, then YES her feet are gonna hurt and NO are not gonna STOP HURTING till she stops walking. Ipso facto, she WILL be pissed till she can sit down. Good to know.
We shall go from top to below-the-bottom:
HAIR
Depending on the season and weather conditions, hair is quite hard to read in terms of what’s going on in her head.
Basically,
hair up means: I can’t be bothered to brush my hair. Au natural, that’s what I say; and
hair down means: look at my lovely luxurious feminine hair. I’m such a girly girl. Teeheeheehee HEE.
Usually, girls with long hair who frequently keep it down, don’t tend to like guys with long hair either. Don’t ask me why, it’s just something I’ve noticed.
Hair in a cap: bad hair day – it is best not to mess with this girl. Even worse if you pull her cap off. She could react in two ways: Scream and yell Bloody Mary or glare at you nonchalantly and ignore you. If she ignores you, there’s something deeper that’s bugging her.
Ladies with shorter cropped hair are rather limited in terms of hair options and are therefore harder to decipher.
But take, for example, a girl with short hair who styles it with wax/gel;
Gelled/Waxed: took those extra 5 minutes to slap on some hair cement this morning
Ungelled/unstyled: ran out of hair cement and had to settle for water
MAKE-UP
I, myself, am not a big fan of make-up: I find it tedious and pointless. Well, on a daily basis anyway.
Make-up: "Look at meee! I look so preeety! Mummy says I look like a beeeutiifool butterfly!!!11! Oh thank you! Thank you! World Peace!"
Make-off: "Don’t look at me! I’m hideous! Can’t you see my inner beauty instead? You shallow and superficial ass-wipes!"
EYEWEAR
The eyes are the window to the soul. So the frame is obviously very important.
Glasses: Ah am so smart. Loookie me! Ehem. Yah. Oh course I wear glasses! Silly billy ;)
No Glasses: Hello? Who’s there? Did someone say something?
Shades: I am… the One – “dun dun DUNNNN” *gets bitch slapped*
EARRINGS
Preeety dangly cat toys hanging precariously from flesh bits of the ear. Yay.
Dangly: Attention WANTER
Studs: Attention Seeker
No earrings: Nudist
No earring hole: Chicken.
Huge ass hole: "I have a hole in my head" [Well said]
NECK ACCESSORIES
And for those who "dunno" what accessories are, they are those other things like bracelets and necklaces that… oh nevermind. You wouldn’t know what an accessory what if it came alive and bit you in the nads.
Necklaces: It is a pretty necklace and it suits my clothes today (Loong Necklaces worn with low cut tops: Look at my boobiezz! )
Necklaces with pendants: It is a pretty necklace but only this stupid thing hanging from it matches what I’m wearing
Necklaces with butterfly pendants: "I want to be like Mariah Carey! OMG!!"1!!
Chokers: Like, I’m so hip and rebellious (sooo last century, hello?)
But pearls are classy. But only in context. Pearls at a formal dinner – OK; pearls at a frat party with horny drunken college idiots – stay back! Jail bait! She’s probably only 12!
NAILS
Nail polish is so a girl thing. Unfortunately.
Painted: at least they can’t see my deformed ugly nails
Painted black: I have frostbite
Painted with nail art: I have enough money to splurge on useless frivolities like this and then shove it in my "friends'" face and watch her admire and envy me. MWAHAHA
Unpainted: Who gives a fuck about nails.
Extra: Guys with painted nails: I am secure enough with my masculinity to paint my nails (and also gullible enough to believe the girl that told him so)
BRACELETS
Oh those annoying flashy things that more often than not, get caught in hair/fences/braces etc.
Shape:
Thin: minimalist
Thick: maximalist
Many thins: maxi minimalist (she is an oxymoron)
Colour:
Red: for ze passion!
Blue: Ahoy Sailor!
Green: Save the trees! The birds! The whales! (I keep my collection on the mantle. Where do you keep yours?)
Black: I hate you. The world. It’s nothing personal. You suck. Grrr.
CLOTHES:
What a woman wears is of the utmost importance. To her. To you, it’s either, clothes; no clothes. Easy choice; but try and understand the complexities of putting on clothes everyday.
DRESSES
I like dresses. Easy, simple, one-piece outfits. Ready to wear and no matching necessary. But depending on style and colour they have different connotations.
Colour:
Every colour except black: Nice day huh?
Black: My father/mother/grandparent/gerbil DIED! WAHHHHHHH! [sympathy is needed]
Style:
Low-cut: You’d be better off going to prom or down Chow Kit with that dress.
High-hemmed: ditto as above
With bows: Front – lil’ lost farm girl; Back – wannabe lil’ lost farm girl
TOP
T-shirts, shirts, blouses; they all really mean the same thing. The Item of cloth that covers a girls ta-tas. Now before you try and pull the wretched material what’s obstructing your view away take in mind whether she’s up for it…
N.B. The following list is in reverse hierarchical order. i.e. Length trumps sleeves.
SLEEVES:
Long: noooooo touchie!
Short: casual, friendly. Belies a deeper and more vicious mean streak
One sleeve: Did you get lost on the way to the “dressing-yourself” lesson?
No sleeves: Phew! It’s hot here. And by hot, I mean me ;)
Bonus: No straps: JACKPOT!
LENGTH
Below the belt: Definitely. No. Touchie.
Belt-visible: And let’s keep it that way
Above belt: Lookie, lookie! Oh, you just missed it!
Midriff: Belly, what belly? Huh? HAH!
BOTTOMS
Now duh, if you’re gonna wear a top then obvious;y you gotta wear bottoms too right? YES. RIGHT.
Got 2 choices, skirt or pants.
Skirt: Girly, girlie, girlie GIRL!
Pants: Of course I’m a girl you cuntface!
Length wise, both are the same;
Long: Watchu looking at?
Cropped (from mid-calf to knee): I wanna run! I wanna run! Where are we goin’? C’mon! C’mon!
Short: HEL-lo
Mini-Short: I. Can’t. Sit. Down.
Micro-Short: What’s "underwear"?
SHOES
Shoes are the first things girls look at when looking at a guy. Usually. For the first time. Same with other girls. I think. Anyway, shoes can tell you a lot about a person. If they are neat or scruffy, if they are sporty or dorky, that kinda stuff. Girls can usually tell on instinct what kind of person another girl is just by judging her shoes. If she doesn’t like them, then she won’t like the person either. Guys should also learn to read shoes, they are the easiest way to tell what kind of mood she’s in.
Slippers: laid-back, i-don’t-really-care-about-anything-at-the-moment
Sandals: too hot to wear shoes; to formal to wear slippers, but sandals should do it. [there are sandal-holics btw]
OK, note: there is a difference between sandals and slippers. Slippers are just the flip-flips with a piece of rubber running between the big toe and the other one. Sandals have a strap behind the ankle.
High heels: Trying to look like a lady here. Watch where you’re walking! *squish* Sorry!
Trainers: I’m expecting to do a lot of walking so let’s go. The sooner we go, the sooner we finish. LET’S GO ALREADY.
Boots: Aren’t I SEX-AY? Kiss my sexy boots. Go on, kiss them.
SOCKS
Socks are ok. But they shold never be seen. Really, I’m all for foot comfort and all that, but as impractical as it sounds, I think the era of leg warmers and overgrown shoe fluff is way past it’s prime. Either hide them under some long pants or wear short socks. So,
For covered shoes exclusively:
High socks: DORK! (or Japanese school-girl wannabe, which equals to DORK! Anyway)
Ankle socks: smart and fashion savvy. You will pass thru the invisible fashion-bleugh detector undetected. Congratulations.
No socks: Good God woman?! Have you never heard of foot-hygiene?! I sentence you to an immediate dunking in the town duck pond and the cremation of those crimes against nasal passages everywhere!
ANKLETS
Yes, very DAHLING. Can be handmade or store bought, as long as they aren’t as gaudy as a clowns pants and less noisy than a tambourine.
Jingly ones: Cute, but not appropriate. Likes attention this one. Even at the expense of personal sanity.
Handmade: Hardworking. Yet pointless.
Store bought: rich biatch
Store bought but handmade: rich pointlessness
THE WHOLE ENSOMBLE
Now, it all had no meaning if you don’t put it altogether.
It basically doesn’t matter what she’s wearing, but how she’s wearing it. Mood-wise, this is a basic guide to guessing how she’s feeling, but if she’s wearing black and being all bubbly, then obviously she’s not Goth and depressed. Visa versa, even if she’s wearing yellow and cropped pants and slippers but still kinda lethargic and sleepy, then something is obviously wrong.
So gentlemen, take heed. It pays to pay attention. It may get you some booty, it may help you avoid a fight.
And as a last note, if a girl in high heels is forced to walk non-stop up and down town for 6+ hours, then YES her feet are gonna hurt and NO are not gonna STOP HURTING till she stops walking. Ipso facto, she WILL be pissed till she can sit down. Good to know.
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