Who's Line coming atcha!

I love Colin Mochrie.

Law Department, or Musical in the making?

At times like these, I really do love my Law Department...

Exam Stress is killing me. Slowly. Yeah, like the song.

Would it be ethical to dump someone cos they were stupid?

He’s not retarded stupid, but let’s say… he’s not the brightest spark. I reckon he’s got potential, just (admittedly) lazy.

Nah, not gonna dump him cos of that. That would be stupid in itself. And rude. And so uncalled for. Just a thought.

* * *

Emotional blackmail. Which is what Lea is worried I’m getting lured into.

Ok, seen the trap. I haven’t figured out how to disarm it yet, but I’m side stepping it for now.
(I use a hell of a lot of analogies in this blog…)

So unless he delivers an ultimatum, I’m not going to address the *ehem* issue. And if said ultimatum does come, he can kiss my ass. I’m not going to be trampled on.

* * *

At what point is it ok to lend your money to your boyfriend?

Some factors to consider:

• How long you have known each other
• How much is lent
• When are you going to get it back?
• What is the likelihood of getting it back?
• How much do you trust them (in using it for what he says he is going to use it for)?

And all that goes out the window once they turn on the charm and put the puppy dog eyes out. Glad that hasn’t happened to me. And cross my fingers that it won’t ever.

* * *

And curse the person who created exams.

But the feeling after you get great results is awesome tho.

* * *

And please note, I'm not being heartless that I don't care that he needs money. I just think that if I empathize too much - as Ihave a tendency of doing - I will end up doing something I know i will regret.

Make your own Slogan!

PORN PORN PORN... omg i did not just say that.

I dunno if I can write this down.

Part of me just wants to not think about it and the other part needs to cry out and go “WHY?”

So no comments please, not on this post or any others (no comment-jumping).

This post is about porn so if you’re not really up to stomach it, I’m warning you now.

The story starts quite simply enough.

Question: If a guy gives you porn, and you watch it, does that make you an idiot? Because you did what he wanted?
I mean, if the only reason you watched it was cos he sed “Watch it.” For, um, educational purposes. And yeah he is rather a sex-mad nut but anyway, whatever.

And it’s not really about the porn, or the fact that he put in on my computer. It’s just a video file and if any of you have never watched porn, I suggest you should. It’s rather like watching a person jump off a building – there’s some morbid fascination with it – cept with porn the fascination isn’t morbid, it’s something else. I don’t know the word for it.

You get to thinking, especially if you’ve never done it before, “wow, is it really as fun as it looks?” and good porn people will make it look fun. If it looks like it hurts, then they aren’t really selling the sex, are they?

Well the issue here with me is…

Bloody hell. I’m no way gonna be that good at it. Not at first anyway. And I don’t think I can live up to that video. I mean, she’s a pro (the woman in the vid). Damn.

This coming from a girl who’s never done it, and is dating a guy who has SO done it before. So basically there are issues of “I’m so not gonna live up to expectations/standards”.

And right now I’m envying those ppl in relationships where you don’t have to deal with shit like this. It really screws with your head.

So yes, this is something I have to talk with him post-Wednesday. This is slightly more a sensitive thing so this is definitely a post-exam thing.
I accidentally let slip about the thing I was sppsed to hold on to (ala prev post topic) yesterday and he was ok, if rather cocky, about it. Ah well, as long as he knows, and he turned it into a sweet kinda thing. Don’t really rmbr what he said, but it was a rather surprising turn of events. Anyway, that’s over with. And now there’s the new thing. Always something to discuss! Whee!

* * *

With all this in-head drama, I forget that I have a life outside this Boy and all the issues.

*

I’m playing netball for SFX! Every Saturday at 8am is practice at the Catholic High School. It’s fun! Like omg, middle aged people play! And there are a few teenagers but the older women take charge. And it’s slightly frustrating – they hardly know the rules! I felt like pulling my hair out after practice. I mean: obstruction, contact, footwork – the three basic rules of netball! And they only knew some of the infringements. Sigh. Well, I didn’t say anything last week cos it was my first time there, but I hope that they get the whole rule thing together soon.

The PJ District Games are in June so they are practicing for that. So yay! Netball! More netball!

Always enjoy an opportunity to run amok.

*

Exams are nearing! First week of May. Oh joy. Wish me luck! And hope I don’t get sick! Or in a fight! Or something like that!

*

Is the book “Crime and Punishment” good? I bought it in MPH for RM8.50. The blurb sounds interesting but I haven’t had a chance to sit down and absorb it’s greatness yet.

SO looking forward to post-exam FUN.

Speaking of which, here are a list of things I wanna do post-exams:

• Lots of hanging out with my Boy
• Lots of hanging out with friends
• Clubbing (pref with my Boy)
• Go to Shaun’s estate!
• Go on a non-parent holiday (also pref with my Boy or friends) – like to a beach or something
• Read Crime and Punishment
• Finally go to Sunway Lagoon again

So whatever it is that I do, I just want to get out of the house. Not that I don’t like my house, but being cooped up here for hours on end is enough to last me the whole year, thank you. And not having the car doesn’t help.

And for those of you assholes who like bugging me about getting my license (my Boy included), even if I did have my license, I wouldn’t have a car to drive anyway. We only have one car and my parents use it. That’s my story; I’m sticking with it – so STOP ASKING.

That stinking feeling

This is bad. This is very bad.

Self-induced badness sucks.

There is nothing wrong that he is aware of. There is nothing outwardly wrong. It’s all me. I take full blame for this.

So what is the problem, you ask?

The problem is I feel nothing. Or close to nothing. Or something that is not really what it should be.

Kinda like: I know I should like him. I do sorta. We are not stable yet obviously. But I think by now I should feel like there is some potential to feel that.

I was thinking, if I don’t feel stable enough by post-exam, then I can't take this to the UK, even if he wants to. I just wouldn’t feel secure enough.

I feel sick to my stomach now.

I have to and will talk to him about this and how it can be fixed. A simple discussion is enough to resolve this – I’m pretty certain. But then again, it might all go horribly wrong. The last time I tried resolving this with a Boy it went all kinds of crazy and I was the one who suffered.

I want this thing to last; because I know we can last this but the issue has to be pushed. We don’t have enough time around each other and with September looming, all this emotional baggage has to be dumped out. Um, slowly tho.

There is, I think, one main thing that he does that I don’t think he knows how bad it hits me. He likes to “disturb me” in the sense that he’ll say something – and I know very well he is joking – just to see what I’ll say and how I’ll react and all and it’s all a big laugh when he’ll switch back and contradict himself later on. Mainly what he bugs me on is that he’ll say something about going out with another girl and blahblahblah. Don’t panic, he’s kidding. I know he is kidding. Trust me. And I would say something and something. And it’s like usual.

However, there is a niggling issue – that sort of, rots inside. I can’t stand the thought of being cheated on. Mainly thanks to past experience (if you can count that as cheating – I kinda do) it’s like a constant worry, because I don’t think I could take it if that happened to me again. I’ve told him the ultimatum and he knows I’m serious but he doesn’t know how hurt I would be. Think, 100% first degree burns – on the inside. Radiation poisoning and so on and so forth. The thought of it makes me sick.

I’ll talk to him after Wednesday. I may feel awful now but he’s got finals and this can wait. And if things do go all down the drain, it wouldn’t be my exams that suffer – cos it was my fault, right? So if I initiated things, it wouldn't be as distracting to me. I can try and compartmentalise for now.

And in conjunction with that, there are other past things that I have to suck up and deal with too. Like: I’m tempted to have a serious, emotional conversation – sounds boring to me, but I think it has to be done, or something – but the last time I tried that (over msn, mind you) I got dumped. Well, we were never together, but it was bad news. So, fear must be overcome.

There is that whole thing that all guys are the same. And I’m resting on that.

Is it too much to ask him to show me how much he likes me? Not even show; how about just telling? Cos right now I don’t know if I’m a 3 or an 8 on his list and I can tell you, it’s a pretty long list. 10 being tops btw. And the whole problem is, if I ask him, and he says tops, can I trust the answer? Even if I do trust the answer, I may think back o it and doubt it. It has to come from the heart – which means no prompts from me. Sigh. Stupid. I should just ask, huh?
Edit: I was just thinking, if i have to ask"Is it too much to ask...", it usually is, isn't it? (rhetorical question btw)

I reiterate what I have said before (I think, or said to Lea, I can’t remember): I am relationship retarded. There should be a font bigger than "Largest".

* * *

Oh and I have thought of another reason why he doesn’t want his parents to know (I thought this up a while back, but I kept forgetting):
In case I call the house and they pick up and they let slip that I’m one of many or something like that.

Rather possible if I were completely cynical and totally untrusting. I’m getting there tho! All you relationship cynics must be so proud.

* * *

How do you deal with separation? I mean, I’m worrying my ass off because I haven’t seen him (properly) for… well since Wednesday, so you do the math (4 days). I know what he’s up to and I’m not worried about him stepping out on me, but there’s that whole “missing him” thing. I do, I know I do, I know he does, and yet… can’t he at least say it? Or better yet, I should just keep thinking “he misses me!” and all will be fine and dandy.

Ladies, if you have any clueless men in your lives, make them read this blog, I will take them so far into the female psyche, they may never look at a woman as sane again. I mean, I’m perfectly functional in the normal sense – but when in relationships, all hell breaks loose up there. It sucks ass.

I just want to see him and talk to him. I don’t know guys. I know guys as friends and they are easy to understand. And you don’t really care so much what they think. I can’t treat this one like that because we aren’t just friends and we never were. And if we do spilt (I can’t help but keep self preservation switch on) we won’t be. I’m friends with my so-called exes, but not by choice. It’s hard. Totally hard, because when you think of them in that way, it’s difficult to go back to being friends, and it’ll be harder if you never were that before. The line that you cross from being friends to more is quite a step, but at least there is a line. What if you started out on the other side, how do you step out?

Anyway, I’m really not in the mood to think about breaking up. Tho in a sense, sometimes I just want to tell him, can we just be FWB (Friends With Benefits)? Tho I would make a shitty FWB – I’m such a noob. Just, sort of like what we are now, minus the emotion.

Emotions suck. It’s like being stuck in a tumble dryer and then expected to function normally.

So to sum it up, we will talk. But after Wednesday.

* * *

I think all this is, is I want him to know about where I'm coming from. Then at least if he knows, and knows what I'm feeling - he doesn't have to do anything - then I'll feel better.

I wanna get off the mood swing - it's making me dizzy

I’m getting all moody again. But at least this time I caught it in time.

We are progressing alright – I’m getting used to it. It’s still all very new and there’s like so much to learn. You think it’s easy and you see other people doing ok – but it’s really not! It’s hard! It’s complicated!

Anyway, enough about that.

I was all moody after cos I was scared he would be sad and all. I mean, I know that I couldn’t make it but put it down to timing.

So he was going to the gym after and I asked him to tell me when he was done – and this time I knew why I was worried so there would be no issue. He called up (after I found out my phone had been misfiring or something) and I asked if everything was ok and stuff and he was all reassuring and all. He even confided in issues with me! Score!

I sometimes think that it’s too uncanny that he knows what to say at exactly the right time. He knows females too well… he’s told me he’s learned from all his ex-gf’s and all. But I never thought he’d be this fluent in female. It’s comforting, yet slightly worrying, know what I mean? Kinda like I like that "he knows how I feel” yet I feel that he is just saying it to keep me sane.

So with that, I think I may be over the whole trust issue. That is, I don’t really trust him as much as I trusted the others. Probably because I don’t know him as well as I knew the other guys. I mean, in my terms, we’re going forward pretty quickly. And it’s rather uncomfortable (ok, maybe not uncomfortable – strange, different?) that he never started out as a mutual friend. It was straight from valentines to dating to actually going out. Nothing before. We have no history. And I have no idea what he’s like cept from what he’s told me and what his friends have said.

So ok, it doesn’t help that I think I’m on my period now and thinking this but I’ve acknowledged the moodiness and now I can deal with it properly, i.e. by blogging it out. The cramps have been replaced by a dull aching. Like a really full stomach – I think I’m bloating.

Oh, and this is perfect timing (at least this is) because I won’t be seeing him till next Wednesday or Thursday because he’s got Finals on Saturday and next Wednesday so he’s holing himself away from me for over a week. Which is also perfect for me because I have classes on both Thursdays (yeap, they are back – Thanks a bunch Vijaya) and a viva next Friday at 10am.

What he said: “What time’s your class on Thursday end?”
It’s become common place for me but I should think of the effort he’s putting up.

I forgot to ask if his classes end after his finals…

* * *

With remembrance to the post where I briefly mentioned that he doesn’t want his uni friends and parents to know that we are dating. Here is the rundown:

Friends in uni – not all of them don’t know. His close one’s know. The rest of them he doesn’t want them to know because he doesn’t want to make a fuss over it and he’s pretty sure they will tease him if they find out. Just because of who he is. I hope it’s got nothing to do with me.

Parents – they don’t want their precious boy to have a other half because they are worried (his words) “that if he has a fight with her, he will do badly in his exams.” Maybe I should egg him to tell them after finals. I wonder what excuse he’ll come up with then.

Anyway, I was also (in my head) wondering what other reasons there could be for keeping mum on us (so to speak):
1. He’s embarrassed / ashamed of me
2. He’s worried people will tell me nasty things about him – true and false stories
3. He doesn’t want so many people to know so after he dumps me he doesn’t have to deal with / tell so many people.

1. Not so much an issue because he’s very handsy (read: grabby) when we go out to like malls and all.
2. Is partially true. I so do want to hear those stories. But how bad can they be? I mean, my head’s already whirring with imagined stories.
3. it’s something I think of time to time. And it’s what think is most likely if the reasons he told me aren’t true. If so, sucks for me. And I think the upside to that is that at least I’m prepared for it. And I can tell myself I told you so in the future. You go, future-me!

So yes, I now have trust issues. Please fix me.

I don’t want to make this an issue for him to deal with until it becomes a big issue. It’s fixable, I just don’t want to freak him out with a gag order – “you cannot and must not joke around about leaving me and/or running off with someone else. It’s so not funny ok.” I would sound way too anal. If I expect him to take a joke, I should be able to take some too. Get a grip girl.

I want to trust him, but thanks to paranoia and mood swings (those I can handle) and a hyperactive imagination, I’m left sprawling in the dust. And I know, until I can get a hold of this stupid paranoia and rein it in – manic blogging like this are part of the control mechanism – I’ll never be able to fully trust him. I’ll be an insecure wreck (inside at least). And the crappy thing is that he knows how to push all my buttons to make me scared and insecure and worried. I have yet to find his. I know of one way to irritate the hell out of him, but I wouldn’t go so far as to make him really worried about it. And if I don’t do it to him, why does he do it to me? I should be strong enough to brush off his dumb jokes, but it’s annoying that I have to constantly keep saying “no, you are mine. No, you cannot do that.” But surprisingly, when I get fed up with playing, and just say “go for it” he gets slightly upset and is like “how can you say that, you’re my girlfriend?!” like I’m actually being serious. If he’s the one testing me, is he the one who’s actually insecure? It sometimes feels like it, tho I know he would never admit to it. Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking…