Forgive us our sins

I didn't go to Church like I was supposed to, even if I have had a hard week and an hour in church would have done me some good. Instead, I bummed around at home, did a bit of work and watched QI and Whose Line like a maniac.

To be fair, I was talking to my best friend so in light of that I think I should be granted a reprieve. Maybe I'll go to Mass on Wednesday at the University Chaplaincy. It’s a thought. I don’t make excuses for not going to church for others; I really make them for myself. I know I should go, and I should have gone – but it didn’t. *guilt*

* * *

I think I might have to take up a part-time job or something. The bills are coming in and they are shocking! I’m starting to truly realise how hard it is to keep a house. I’m horrified at the amounts…

I’m thinking: the money that TK is paying for rent should be able to cover the bills for this month. I don’t know what Tash will say but I hope she understands. I didn’t take into account how expensive the electricity is. Yikes…

* * *

I called The Boy today, after I exercised a great deal of self control and didn’t call him at all yesterday (there’s a feat to be proud of)!

I don’t know whether is because we’ve been together for a while or the fact that we’re no longer in the same time zone but he’s become a lot more vocal about his feelings and things. I’m leaning towards the latter reason but whatever it is, I like it :D

It sucks that he doesn’t have internet yet – hopefully he will by the end of the month – but skype is keeping us in touch and alright on the relationship front. It’s a bit like an addictive drug, you need your fixes once in a while.

I will admit to fits of jealousy and paranoia but what girlfriend doesn’t have them when their Boy is in a different country and not picking up his phone for 2 days? I don’t want to justify mad crazy girlfriends but I don’t do anything until I can talk to him. He should have his reasons. Then I calmly ask. Then I get angry. I think at that point I have the right to get angry – but it doesn’t last. You need to blow off steam and frustration occasionally.

* * *

We had English “class” last week. My spelling is atrocious. I do rely heavily on spell check I admit but mostly because I can’t touch type and I generally know what letters go where. I hope that I don’t get selected to sit for more English classes. More than anything, I don’t think I could stand the shame…

Oh the vanity!

I love my hair. Whatever I have left of it, I love it.

It's quite long now - about down to my shoulder blades. I went to Vidal Sassoon the other day to make an appointment, armed with my Term 1 timetable, but they didn't havent any student cuts available for 2 months! So I think I'll take it as a challenge and see how long I can keep my hair long till i get fed up with it and chop it off.

Which leads me to my search for hair straighteners. Why hair straighteners? I hear you ask to your computer screen, you mad person. Well since your computer cannot respond appropriately, allow me to answer.

I am well aware that I have relatively straight hair, save for the unavoidable flick at the end where it's a bit dry and unruly. I don't want the straighteners to straighten my hair, I want to use them to curl my hair.

But why not just get curling irons then? Because I don't like the way they operate. They are hot all over and rely on the user to have eyes in the back of their head. I'm not that coordinated when I can't see what's going on, and will and have burned myself before (nothing serious, don't worry). If you read a few months back to about May when I posted pictures of me playing with my hair inbetween studying, all the curls were done using a straightener. I like the method - it's safe and easy for me. Less chance of me melting my ears off with straighteners.

I've found some promising buys on ebay but I don't know if I should take the plunge and buy them yet. If I buy it now, I'm more likely to use them while my hair is very long and "curlable". If I wait longer, I might get fed up with my hair and chop it off, or at least trim it and then the curls won't hang loose anymore.

All in all I don't have the money to spend I don't think. I can't be sure anymore cos my parents dropped a whole lump sum into my savings account and I don't know how much I should spend and save for a month. I haven't done my yearly budget yet. tsk tsk

Flicker of hope

I wasn't going to write anything cos nothing fabulous has happened but it has been a marked improvement on the day before.

Heck any improvement would be a marked improvement from yesterday.

The bank has lowered the overdraft fee to £15 so at least there's some possibility of him paying it on time. Whoo!

The other account holder has paid in about half of what he owes or is going to owe so at least the account is no longer in Debt. No more big D next to the account balance! Whooo!

The BVC bunch were supposed to head out to Oceana tonight but I don't think I'll be going since I have to rely on Jules cos I don't have my passport with me and I have no phone credit. Ah well. A peaceful night in.

I also took a 2 hour nap this afternoon. 5pm to 7.30. Totally Awesome. It makes up for the one and a half hours of sleep that I missed cos the time on my phone was off. I have to get to bed before 12am these days. I'm starting to worry that my panda eyes are permanent.

* * *

I've been part of a contact lens trial for about a month now. They are rigid gas permeable lenses and they are quite good, except when you get something in your eye - then it hurts like a glowing hot poker. It takes some getting used to but I haven't worn them in a while cos of the wind and it's tendency to whick little bits of dirt and aim them straight into my eye. Too bad - cos they are actually better and more hygenic than the soft lenses. And you can keep the same pair for up to a year! Very nice indeed.

Magma

I want to cry.

But that would serve no useful purpose cept dehydrating me.

I want to punch something.

But I'd only crush my knucles and make a bloody mess.

I want to scream.

But I'd like to keep whatever shred of dignity I have left.

I want to throw up.

But I hate the feeling.

I want to cry.

But I won't.

Crummiest Day

Today has possibly been the crummiest day.

Got a letter from the bank saying that the account is going to be charged £25 overdraft fees for an overdraft that was caused by the other account holder - who doesn't seem to be giving a shit.

Yesterday the guy that was supposed to rent the room that is available in my flat decided not to because he doesn't have a UK guarantor - and the girl that really wanted the room hasn't called me back even tho she said she would.

I called The Boy on skype and he didn't pick up - twice.

Any one of these things would have made my day bad but bearable. All three in one day, all occurring in less than 1 hour of each other has got to be a new record.

I can't be bothered anymore to think of the reasons why or justify them, no matter how rational or logical. The fact that they have happened is bad enough and I am too tired to think of all the optimistic, positive reasons. They have happened, and they suck. Life goes on.

Today is officially a Fk-It Day.

Supposed to be reading...

At the moment my favourite hobby is thinking up romantic, poetic things to send thru sms to The Boy in France. Inspiration comes in many shapes and forms. To list a few:

• a WH Auden poetry quote
• A Savage Garden song

I'm trying to keep them few and far between so as to keep them special and rare if you like. It's tempting to spend the whole day just coming up with some really handkerchief-soaking gems but I've set a 2-a-day limit which serves the above purpose as well as making sure I don't get too carried away and distracted from what work I have to do for class. Tomorrow! Gasps!

Suggestions are more than welcome tho my personal tastes are non-cheesy yet romantically inclined. The whole "Roses are red, violets are blue..." is tres cliche unless it's got a cute kick at the end.

* * *

I've always claimed to be a soft ol' romantic at heart and I like that I can stretch those poetry-loving heart-strings of mine. Bravo to France!

* * *

It was The Boy's birthday yesterday! I called him a couple of times as is appropriate for The Girl to do when it is The Boy's birthday and they are not in the same country but both do not have Skype. Unfortunately, Tottenham were playing United at White Hart Lane yesterday too so against my life-long loyalties and as a sign of affection, I traded loyalties for a few days as a present. Granted, United won 3-1 (of course) but I must say that Spurs are looking well on form and could possibly break into the top 4 this year, if not at least finish in the top 6.

The Boy mentioned that I was the only one to call him that day. Of course. I'm the only one that has his number. Silly. His fb wall was littered with loads of well-wishers but I always consider fb birthday wishes to be a little superficial. The fb wall is a bit whoreish - it takes whatever it can get and it doesn't care how many. I hope I don't sound jealous or envious. I should mention that I take the same attitude to birthday greetings on my own page.

I posted The Boy's present a few days ago but he didn't get it on time. Boo! I hope it at least arrives by tomorrow. I hope it at least gets to him. I don't want to think about if it got lost in the mail (!). I may well cry. So since he hasn't gotten it yet, I can't reveal what it is but I do hope he likes it.

Week 1, dusted and done.

Well the first week is over. Granted that it was only two days but a very hectic deep-end-of-the-pool two days it was. I’m glad the weekend is here and I finally have some time to chill out and relax and sort out what I have to do for the next week. I’m determined to not mess about like I did last year.

In a way I’m sort of glad / relieved that The Boy isn’t an hour's train ride away any more. The temptation isn’t as great when I know I don’t have the money to fly to France every month – even if I wanted to. Keeps my mind here in Cardiff and focused! At least until I start thinking about Winter Hols hehe…

* * *

Today in class I will admit that I suffered from a severe case of green-eye. Meaning that I saw someone who I wished I was – or rather, I wished I could be. It’s more to do with achievements and lifestyle than actual personality or looks. Once the realisation kicked in it was “batten down the hatches. This is totally wrong”. Envy is one of the less common sins but when it rears up its really awful how you feel once you know you’ve hit up on it. Church on Sunday! Repentance!

* * *

A bit of self praise now – I feel quite proud of myself for dragging my butt down to the Legal Practice Library to do the work in prep for Monday. The LPL will be closed on Sunday so I figured I’d go down today to get ahead of the “crowd” which I assume will be descending tomorrow. I could well be wrong tho – the LPL was deserted when I was there at 5pm…

Monday’s work is done. If I get up before noon tomorrow I might head there again and try and finish up to Wednesday’s work. Then I have Sunday to do churchy things and rehearse the 3-5 minute speech that I have to prepare for Advocacy 1 on Monday. Apparently we get RECORDED. Yipes!

The Beginning of the End of the Beginning

Just had my first day of BVC. Tiring. Stressful. But hopeful.

The Boy is in France learning French and doing his dissertation in Mediterranian weather. I miss him like anything but it helps to know that he misses me just as much. It's a small but powerful comfort.

His birthday is on Saturday and since I can't be with him I'm trying to do as much as I can from here. Which includes trading in my loyalties, at least temporarily. It hurts but it's for a good cause.

The BVC is a killer course. Not for the faint of heart. I can do it. I WILL make it thru. I HAVE to FOCUS and work HARD. Damn.

I bought a bag load of Tesco microwave rubbish. It'll be my sustainence for the next few days - with sporadic wholemal sandwiches and other foods inbetween, but mostly Tesco Value crap. It's like exam season all over again.

The Boy has no internet. Yet. Which sucks. Skype is doing it's job but it's quite expensive. Have to make the most of it tho. At least it's something.

Reminder: Write letters to Gih Jhen and Aunty Eve.

Summer Holidays are officially over like I said. But the weather has made up for the lost leisure time so I can't complain too much.

Buried

Azzy wants to stay till the end of October but I don’t think we can rent out the room if that’s the case. If you wanted to rent a room for Uni you would want to start from the End of September and at least October.

I guess there are only 2 options, but to me, there’s only one. Azzy will essentially be kicked out of the house (not really, she can still stay, just not in that room) and that’s not going to sit too well with her. I really don’t like making other people unhappy, especially those who have been nothing but nice to me but unless she can guarantee someone taking over then room come the end of October, I don’t see what choice I have. I hope Tash feels the same way – there’s no other alternative as far as I can see. I’d rather not risk having to pay for an empty room for 8 months just to spare someone’s feelings.

I did tell her that it might come to that and she didn’t sound too happy. I wouldn’t either but I have to cover my own ass first before I can consider hurt feelings. I wouldn’t want to be in her place. Then again, I know she wouldn’t want to be in my shoes either.

* * *

The crimson tide hath cometh. And I am tremendously relieved. Even though I know my cycles pretty well and it’s been pretty regular these past few months, the long cycles tend either be rigid to schedule or deviate dramatically. These past 40 days has been one of the dramatic ones. It doesn’t help that it comes on the eve of the day I have to travel to Swansea before travelling to London but you can’t fight Mother Nature. Just one of the many things I have to take in my stride this time round. I’m grateful that I don’t have to worry about scaring myself and thinking about the "what ifs”. Its TERRIFYING and I pray that the scare never becomes real. Just thinking about it makes me want to explode and implode at the same time. I hate telling anyone if I’m scared because it’s so stupid and it’s all my fault anyway nad I should know better. And it’s not something you can just tell anyone.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, pray you never will.

* * *

Its been a rough few days I guess. The internet is sporadic at the moment – more down than up but it’s all part of life isn’t it. Go with the flow. If you fight it, you won’t get anywhere and all you’ll have is more white hair and less time to enjoy the things that are worth thinking about. Tho I must admit, it’s been difficult to count my blessings lately. Have to really dig through the muck to find the stuff that makes it all worth while. And it’s worth doing. Otherwise you forget and then you won’t have anything worth living for.

Blessings counted:

1. Parents
2. The Boy
3. Family (extended)
4. Get to go to France
5. Lucky to study in the UK
6. Nice big room to myself
7. People who care about me
8. Food to eat
9. Comfortable place to live
10. Clean running water
11. Electricity
12. Hot water
13. Clothes to wear

There is no point moaning about things that have gone wrong lately. Yeah it sucks but things going wrong are better than nothing going on at all. In a sense that, yes, my house mate has walked out but at least I have a house, friends, people that care. The silver lining is always there if you care to look for one – and it’s not that hard to find. Seeing the silver lining does not mean that you’re naive or ignorant, it’s optimistic focusing. Channelling positive energy and all that.

Personally, I don’t want to think about all the things that have made my last few days quite a shit hole but I’ve done what I can and tomorrow will be better if I leave the problems that I can’t fix behind.

Still. It doesn't stop me feeling all crap. I'll get over it.

Miserable miserable MISERABLE f-ing day.

And it started out so well. The BT guy came over and sorted out the phone line. It was a lighting strike at the phone interchange so everything's fixed now. And now I have my internet back!

Then I got a message from Haeks saying that he’s NOT coming back to Cardiff this year, he’s going to ABERDEEN for placement. Great timing… So now I have to deal with having to find a NEW housemate as soon as possible so that Tash and I don’t get stuck with having to pay for Haek’s room ourselves. Selfish bastard. He’s been behind on rent payments and now this. I have to pay all the summer bills myself which is fair because I’m here but it’s still a lot of money I’ve spent in total to pay for Sky and the electricity and gas.

I don’t need this kind of shit so close to my course starting.

I want to be able to go to France and not have to worry about coming back to this crap situation. There’s not much I can do that I haven’t already done. I’ve told Tash. I’ve contacted the MSSCF to ask them to let people know that I have a room to rent but nothing confirmed yet of course. I hope things will work out. But till then: FML.

Viva la BVC

The Boy is heading off to France to learn French. Very soon. A little too soon but what can I do eh? Quite happy for him to frolic around in Gaul while I slave away in Cardiff. At least there’s something for me to do. That’s my Achilles’ heel – boredom. It kills me.

I have to start brushing up on my French now. Out of competitiveness than anything I must admit. I do miss learning French but the classes at Alliance Francais were crap and I didn’t have any motivation to really listen and learn. I figure I should take this as a boost to actually properly learn French.

I wanted to take the Summer French course in the Lifelong Learning Centre in June but I wasn’t in Cardiff at the time. Bugger.

Audio Tapes? E-books? I don’t think I’ll have time for an actual French course tho. BVC is a time killer.

* * *

Kenneth T had a BBQ today. Really nice food – Moroccan lamb steaks and fat sausage hot dogs and chicken wings. I’m suffering Pre-M Bloat so I wasn’t feeling my… best, but the food was scrumptious. Unfortunately the weather didn’t agree and it was incontinent rain clouds all evening. Bummer. Compounded by the fact that I was the only girl there and it was Kenneth’s group of friends. Not that I’m intentionally anti-social but as they’re all smokers, and I’m not and it was cold out, I’d rather not inhale any more second-hand smoke than I already have thanks to a certain someone. I wonder what my chest x-ray would look like now.

* * *

Azzy is staying in Tash’s room for the time being. That part’s alright but it’s confusing about her Boy being round. Cos he’s not really her Boy, well, he thinks he is again but he isn’t and she can’t be bothered to tell him or something. I don’t really understand it. She’s stressed enough with resits coming up on the 7th so good luck!

I have to say I love listening to gossip and drama and all that but I dread (and avoid) gossip and drama ‘bout meself. Its so high school and I’ve had enough of that thank you!

* * *

BVC Enrolment is on the 10th of September. Jeepers! I can’t wait to start. I’m such a nerd for school starting. It’s so new and fresh and anything could happen! I know I’ve been saying that I hate being bored but I hope that I don’t get too stressed. I can’t sleep if I get too stressed.

Happy Merdeka and Bank Holiday Monday to my few and far between readers! Sleep like a bee in a rose and grow like a booger in a nose. Toodles!