I don’t know what it is today but I’m feeling uber pissed. There are a few factors I can think of:
1. PMS
2. The Boy
1. Aches slightly and is probably the reason why I’m more irritable today and for a week to come (I can see the FUTURE!).
2. Here’s where I list the things that The Boy has done in the past 72 hours that are making me fuming mad:
He didn’t call. We have this mini rule that the first person to go to sleep calls the other one. Inevitably its usually me but sometimes he KO’s before I do. Even if I’m as groggy as a baby on cough medicine, I use my last ounce of strength to hit my speed dial and call him. It’s courtesy, right? But now. granted he had a test to study for, he KO’s on Tuesday night and doesn’t call. Me, thinking he’s still up, I call him. no answer. I then text him a pleasant night time greeting and go to sleep – thinking he’ll call me back after he’s out of the loo. Nope. Nothing. Not even the next morning. I get extremely frustrated and refuse to call him out of irritation to scold him for not calling. He calls around 7pm Wednesday night – after a long day of forcing him out of my mind. Idiot.
He’s slow. We’re playing this online MMORPG (Last Chaos) and its ard 1am Thursday morning and I’m getting groggy and sleepy and I wanna go to bed. His character needs some accessories for something and I offer to give one of mine to him. Remember, this is 1am and I’m really tired. I’m back in the town centre and I ask him to come back to town so I can give him the stone accessory and go to bed. No reply. I wait about 2 minutes and get fed up and decide to go to him and stand in front of him till he wakes up or realises he’s being talked to. Granted, he was probably in the toilet or something. Halfway there, he finally replies and he teleports back to town. I run all the way back. Trade the stupid accessory with him, say good night and leave. I’m in no mood to talk to him, especially since he’s got a test tomorrow so I message “night” and go to sleep – sorta hoping he’ll call me.
* * *
I have realised that I only get period pains when I’m stressed out. Like in the office, or worrying about The Boy. When I’m at home relaxing, I’m fine. That’s gonna screw up my career if I let it so I’m suffering thru it in the office right now. Don’t wanna move around too much tho.
* * *
I think the second thing was a relapse of me being pissed over the first one. The “not-calling” thing really pushes my buttons. And it’s not the first time he’s done it. Not on purpose but omission is just as good as guilty. Especially if you have a duty to do something. (Law School’s good for something.)
* * *
Staring into a toilet bowl of red liquid is strangely gross and fascinating at the same time. You know its blood, and you know it’s yours, but its so blended and not at all lumpy. Rather cool.
And wow, I just grossed myself out. Ew.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Triumphs 3 - Disasters 1
FYI, Cardiff said yes.
So I’m definitely going.
Going to have to say goodbye to the Boy. Unless he does something drastic. But that’s entirely up to me and partly up to him. I’m not going to say anything, I’ll just drop the bomb cos there’s no point in trying to whine about something that not gonna change.
What else…
Ah yes. I bought the Everlast shoes I wanted. In beige. OK, the colour is kinda crap and the right shoe is giving me blisters but that’s all to do with my eerily deformed feet and nothing to do with those gorgeous shoes. I wish I had them in green tho. But alas. I couldn’t wait. No more sizes.
* * *
I’ve been stressing lately cos after I found out that Cardiff accepted me, I told parents and they gave me a lecture-life lesson in finances and expenses and working hard and expectations and effort and study tips. Basically the whole shebang. Not that I don’t appreciate what they have to go thru, but I now feel like not going because I feel like a useless parasite. Like a lowly tapeworm. No. Make that “like a tapeworm of a tapeworm.”
Really wasn’t in the mood at all that day. Monday by the way.
Then I called Boy up that night and whined about it. He was slightly helpful. Well, more help than a brick wall but that’s good enough. I reckon I should have called up one of my girlfriends, but it wasn’t that kind of talk. Go figure – I go to him for reassurance and I get “Normal lah.” I just keep asking for it, don’t I? When will I learn… *grins*
And surprisingly, yesterday with the Boy wasn’t bad. Helped him do his assignment somewhat which I don’t really mind. Well, as long as he’s around, I don’t feel annoyed. As long as he’s around or I’m keeping busy. Keep those nasty destructive thoughts at bay.
Went for a nice dinner in Bangsar Villiage (!) at Fish & Co. Yeah, the (!) is cos he rarely ever takes me out on account of a flat wallet. I can’t complain. A treat is a treat. Wish his wallet wasn’t so flat tho. But, it does save me the trouble of having to worry about what he's up to all the time. I think: “I wonder what he’s doing/where he is/who he’s with?” and then I think: “Can’t be anything to worry about, he’s broke.” There is fun to be had without money, but that’s nothing to worry about either. Hah, he whines enough for me to not have to worry. It’s only if he stops whining, then I should be suspicious.
* * *
BBQ at Lea’s tmr and if he can get his assignment done by then, I’m dragging him along. Or maybe not. Still… I need a ride there.
Ponderific.
So I’m definitely going.
Going to have to say goodbye to the Boy. Unless he does something drastic. But that’s entirely up to me and partly up to him. I’m not going to say anything, I’ll just drop the bomb cos there’s no point in trying to whine about something that not gonna change.
What else…
Ah yes. I bought the Everlast shoes I wanted. In beige. OK, the colour is kinda crap and the right shoe is giving me blisters but that’s all to do with my eerily deformed feet and nothing to do with those gorgeous shoes. I wish I had them in green tho. But alas. I couldn’t wait. No more sizes.
* * *
I’ve been stressing lately cos after I found out that Cardiff accepted me, I told parents and they gave me a lecture-life lesson in finances and expenses and working hard and expectations and effort and study tips. Basically the whole shebang. Not that I don’t appreciate what they have to go thru, but I now feel like not going because I feel like a useless parasite. Like a lowly tapeworm. No. Make that “like a tapeworm of a tapeworm.”
Really wasn’t in the mood at all that day. Monday by the way.
Then I called Boy up that night and whined about it. He was slightly helpful. Well, more help than a brick wall but that’s good enough. I reckon I should have called up one of my girlfriends, but it wasn’t that kind of talk. Go figure – I go to him for reassurance and I get “Normal lah.” I just keep asking for it, don’t I? When will I learn… *grins*
And surprisingly, yesterday with the Boy wasn’t bad. Helped him do his assignment somewhat which I don’t really mind. Well, as long as he’s around, I don’t feel annoyed. As long as he’s around or I’m keeping busy. Keep those nasty destructive thoughts at bay.
Went for a nice dinner in Bangsar Villiage (!) at Fish & Co. Yeah, the (!) is cos he rarely ever takes me out on account of a flat wallet. I can’t complain. A treat is a treat. Wish his wallet wasn’t so flat tho. But, it does save me the trouble of having to worry about what he's up to all the time. I think: “I wonder what he’s doing/where he is/who he’s with?” and then I think: “Can’t be anything to worry about, he’s broke.” There is fun to be had without money, but that’s nothing to worry about either. Hah, he whines enough for me to not have to worry. It’s only if he stops whining, then I should be suspicious.
* * *
BBQ at Lea’s tmr and if he can get his assignment done by then, I’m dragging him along. Or maybe not. Still… I need a ride there.
Ponderific.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
To Be Romantically Involved...
You know how some people moan about wanting to be in a relationship because they are so lonely and missed being loved and all that mushy stuff. Me? I kinda missing being single. Not that being with The Boy ain't fun and it is SO fun. But I was happy being single.
I didn’t have to worry about where he was.
[I’ll use the term “he” meaning any sort of boy that I would be involved with]
I didn’t have to think about where he was going and with whom.
I didn’t have him on my mind for about 80% of my waking moments.
I didn’t have to consider what he was feeling and how I affected those feelings.
Actually – most of all
I didn’t have to wait around for him to call.
Unintentional rhyme there. But seriously, waiting around for a call or just some sort of hint that they are thinking about you or that they care, is bloody frustrating!
But yes, the good things about being single, as opposed to the bad things about being in a relationship:
You can go hang out with whoever you want.
You can wear whatever you want.
You can say whatever you want.
You can flirt with whoever you want. – I guess you still could, as long as it doesn’t go any further. But it’s still mean tho.
You can do anything you want.
But trumping all of those, when you’re in a relationship, you’ll probably feel crappy a lot of the time. Usually self-inflicted and you’re not alone. There are loads of people feeling the same way (mostly girls, I should think) for the same stupid reason – if there even is a reason. Oh wait, the trumping bit. Right. You might feel crappy a lot, but you’ll also feel great a lot too. And when you feel great, it’s really great. Like touch the stars kinda great. It’s between living life in the middle of emotional neutrality, or hitting the peaks and the valleys. You’ll get way emotional, even if you think you’re not.
I didn’t have to worry about where he was.
[I’ll use the term “he” meaning any sort of boy that I would be involved with]
I didn’t have to think about where he was going and with whom.
I didn’t have him on my mind for about 80% of my waking moments.
I didn’t have to consider what he was feeling and how I affected those feelings.
Actually – most of all
I didn’t have to wait around for him to call.
Unintentional rhyme there. But seriously, waiting around for a call or just some sort of hint that they are thinking about you or that they care, is bloody frustrating!
But yes, the good things about being single, as opposed to the bad things about being in a relationship:
You can go hang out with whoever you want.
You can wear whatever you want.
You can say whatever you want.
You can flirt with whoever you want. – I guess you still could, as long as it doesn’t go any further. But it’s still mean tho.
You can do anything you want.
But trumping all of those, when you’re in a relationship, you’ll probably feel crappy a lot of the time. Usually self-inflicted and you’re not alone. There are loads of people feeling the same way (mostly girls, I should think) for the same stupid reason – if there even is a reason. Oh wait, the trumping bit. Right. You might feel crappy a lot, but you’ll also feel great a lot too. And when you feel great, it’s really great. Like touch the stars kinda great. It’s between living life in the middle of emotional neutrality, or hitting the peaks and the valleys. You’ll get way emotional, even if you think you’re not.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
A while back...
I regularly get very bored and MSN is a pretty good distraction so when you mix the two together, you get this:
Backstory: I was in my parent's office, bored stupid and Felix was in Singapore also bored or not doing what he was supposed to be doing. Tic Tac Toe was one of the first games we played on MSN. I beat him in Checkers too surprisingly. I thought I was going to lose. Really. I totally have no confidence in checkers. OR chess either.
(and read the messages too...)
Backstory: I was in my parent's office, bored stupid and Felix was in Singapore also bored or not doing what he was supposed to be doing. Tic Tac Toe was one of the first games we played on MSN. I beat him in Checkers too surprisingly. I thought I was going to lose. Really. I totally have no confidence in checkers. OR chess either.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Not a happy camper.
1. Krakatoa
2. Things to do
3. High falls, large splatter
4. Tear ducts
* * *
1. Well he knows. Mum told him some time between yesterday night and this afternoon.
Bottomline is: my results are nowhere near good enough to send me to the UK.
So my best efforts are not worth 2 years in Cardiff University. Fine. I’ll take that.
So what am I worth? Am I worth the price of a car? The price of a house? More likely the price of a stamp. (See 3.)
2. Things to do Monday morning:
2. Things to do
3. High falls, large splatter
4. Tear ducts
* * *
1. Well he knows. Mum told him some time between yesterday night and this afternoon.
Bottomline is: my results are nowhere near good enough to send me to the UK.
So my best efforts are not worth 2 years in Cardiff University. Fine. I’ll take that.
So what am I worth? Am I worth the price of a car? The price of a house? More likely the price of a stamp. (See 3.)
2. Things to do Monday morning:
Call STA Travel and see if I can get my deposit back.
Go to or call HELP Law Department to:
1) Enroll into Year 2
2) Ask how much my first year contributes to my final degree grading (Hons, 1st Class, Second Upper etc)
3) Tell them to reject any offer of acceptance to Cardiff or Sheffield.
3. I was sitting in my room in the dark being angry at myself for crying so much over the last… 31 hours and I was thinking how worthless I really am. It’s quite shocking to realize that you’re no good at anything. And that anything that you value you shouldn’t have. Like good friends. Never worked hard for them – shouldn’t have any. The Boy – didn’t even really try, he shouldn’t be around. Having shitty grades showed me that.
Dangerously thinking how my parents would suffer less (more pain, less time. Relative to now) if I just took a swan dive out of my window. No, I’m not so stupid to actually do it. But the thought came up a few times and I scolded myself for it.
Have you ever questioned your own self worth? How do you account for your own worth? Of course you can’t just rely on one factor but what would it include? What would be the ratio of importance? Expectations? Grades? Personal achievements? How other people feel about you? How many friends you have?
Well at the moment, I guess you could say I don’t really feel worth anything. I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve to go out. I don’t deserve to have fun. I don’t deserve to have a life. It’s the dutiful daughter from now on. God, I hate that label. My parents don’t deserve to have such a crappy ass child like me. Not after all the hard work they put in to get this far.
But what more can I do?
I’ve had very little to eat today for one thing. 3 siew mais and a char siew pau. Dim sum stuff.
Supposed to have dinner with Lea and Ikhwan and Shaun and some people but I said I wouldn’t be going. Foresight, alright?
4. I think my face hurts after all the crying, not so much because of dehydration, but cos the eyes are swollen. Not as swollen as yesterday, but still. Swollenness, I think, because it takes quite some effort to push out all that water thru such tiny channels and out a really small hole. I can feel the upper half of my face just kinda go numb.
* * *
I’m alright I think. Anybody want to talk abt non-Grades related stuff? I’ll be more than happy to listen.
* * *
And parents said that I have to get rid of all my distractions, save netball, because that’s exercise. All done cos I’ve dropped out of everything. Only question is, is The Boy a distraction? I don’t want him to be, but I think he might.
Weepy weepy. Cry baby.
I don’t know who to talk to. I was thinking about this and I figure I just need someone who will sit and give me a hug. Don’t need to say anything.
Can’t call Boy. He probably won’t come over and if he did he’d end up playing Last Chaos on my computer anyway.
Don’t really want to call Lea. To my knowledge she’s never failed anything in her life.
Yeah. I really feel like a loser.
Can’t call my Uni friends. If they are like me, they feel bad enough already. And if they got better results, who am I to burden them with my problems?
Actually, all of my old high school friends have had stellar results so far. Damn, so I’m the dumbass of the bunch. Why do I even bother hanging round?
Noone else I’m really that close to. Noone I could call and weep to. Great. I’m a loner and a loser.
* * *
Screw it. I might just be desperate enough to call Boy. Maybe not call. Ask if he’d come round today. And as usual, no expectations. I’ve had enough disappointment in the last 24 hours.
* * *
Do I make my own bad luck? They say that luck is just when preparation meets opportunity. What about bad luck? I guess it’s the same cept it’s a “lack of” one or the other. Yet again, my own damn fault.
Can’t call Boy. He probably won’t come over and if he did he’d end up playing Last Chaos on my computer anyway.
Don’t really want to call Lea. To my knowledge she’s never failed anything in her life.
Yeah. I really feel like a loser.
Can’t call my Uni friends. If they are like me, they feel bad enough already. And if they got better results, who am I to burden them with my problems?
Actually, all of my old high school friends have had stellar results so far. Damn, so I’m the dumbass of the bunch. Why do I even bother hanging round?
Noone else I’m really that close to. Noone I could call and weep to. Great. I’m a loner and a loser.
* * *
Screw it. I might just be desperate enough to call Boy. Maybe not call. Ask if he’d come round today. And as usual, no expectations. I’ve had enough disappointment in the last 24 hours.
* * *
Do I make my own bad luck? They say that luck is just when preparation meets opportunity. What about bad luck? I guess it’s the same cept it’s a “lack of” one or the other. Yet again, my own damn fault.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Singular outpouring of Grief.
I started out with a list of things I wanted to write, just, you know, so I wouldn’t forget. This is pre-Friday.
Now that Friday’s come and effectively gone, I have other things on my mind.
Exam results are below. The breakdown is as follows:
Legal Method and System: C
Contract Law: D
Constitutional and Administrative Law: C
Criminal Law: B
Legal Skills: B
FYI, D is 40-49%, C is 50-59% and so on and so forth. Needless to say, the D pulled me way down and now it all up to the graciousness of the Cardiff University International Department. Will they want a screw-up like me on campus? My friend said that last year the University accepted students who, like me, got one D grade; so all hope is not lost. If the University reject me grades and don’t offer me a place then HELP will help me appeal.
It’s about 10.30pm Friday night writing this and after a day of crying, sleeping and watching telly, I’ve thought some things thru.
So now you know my situation, I have a few things on my mind.
1. I’m a complete wreck. Not now, now that I’ve pulled myself together somewhat (into blogging shape, ain’t bad), but it really hit me hard. I mean. I expected to pass. And I passed. But barely. I mean, what does that say about me as a person? I put almost 100% into preparing for that exam and all I could muster was a pass? And barely at that. [40% is a pass btw]. It’s given my whole self-esteem and self-confidence a huge blow. I didn’t expect As – I was dreaming about it tho – but a D is way below anything I could have possibly hoped for. Consolation: my friend who did all the past year papers and essays only got a B for that paper so I’m not the only one disappointed, he expected an A. And not to say that my results are satisfactory (far from it) but my friend who admittedly studied for the exam papers till 4am in the morning also got a D. don’t know what subject tho.
I don’t blame anyone but myself. I really don’t. I should have tried harder. I don’t know how, but I should have. Done past year papers. Read up more. I did all that I thought I could and should do. I should have done better.
2. How am I going to tell my dad? That’s the thing that freaking me out the most. My mum already knows. But my dad. He’s going to do a Mount Vesuvius. I want mum to tell him. Then he can cool off somewhere where I’m not. I can live with being disappointed in myself. That’s hard enough. But with both parents aiming the blame gun on me (rightly so but still, it’s hurts), I don’t think I could face it at the moment. Circumventing that, I’m locking myself in my room till she tells him. Good thing tmr is Saturday and they both have to go to the office. At least I can sneak out to get something to eat.
Speaking of which I only had toast and milo for breakfast, a jam sandwich and lots of water today. Not really hungry seeing as Aunt Flo decided so aptly to come this morning. And with a truckload of HURT too. So you’ll have to excuse me if I’m feeling moody and grumpy.
3. I wonder how long I can not tell him?
4. I was thinking that if I go, I’ll have to end it with the Boy. I really don’t trust him enough to leave him here while I’m over there. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate. If I end up not going – which is entirely possible now – then things remain to be seen.
He suggested that he would come over today. I was sounding pretty messed up over the phone so maybe he got the hint. I wouldn’t have minded some positive support. However, as usual, he was busy. Another disappointment. Granted, it took my mind off the other ginormously huge disappointment that happened that day, so now I’m thinking that being irritated at him was some sort of projection-hormonal effect. Pity that people get caught in the crossfire of things.
Well he called me up this afternoon about something and we were talking abt my thing and I came off rather hopeless. Dunno whether that irritated him or not. Another thing I was wondering abt.
5. I don’t want to make a big fuss over it. I’m not writing all my tiny petty things so people will feel sorry for me and bake me cookies or send me flowers. I’m sad and depressed and lonely, not dying. Save the pity for someone who wants it. I was in the pity mood a while back. Past that. I guess I just want to be left alone now. I have too many things to think about.
6. The crappy thing about mood swings are the swings themselves. Being moody is fine. Swinging is annoying cos u feel like an idiot and a hypocrite all the time. Fine. I do want some pity. And I do want some attention. Just don’t make me feel like I’m a lost cause. I need… positive encouragement. Not “oh, sorry for your bad grades. I’m sure you’ll do better next time.” Gimme something to work with.
7. Some more Boy issues. How much should I expect him to do? Or try to do? Deep down I want him to try. And that’s not happening. I’m trying. I think. I don’t know what he expects me to do but I’m doing the best I can. I still keep wondering how compatible we are.
8. I can lay out my schedule for the day so you can see how I fared. Would you have done the same?
9am Wake up
10am To the office and breakfast.
12.15pm Check results.
1.30pm Lunch down stairs. I have cramps so I only have hot tea.
2.30pm Go home. Thanks mum.
3pm Cry
4.30pm Sleep
6pm Cry myself to sleep.
7pm Watch TV
10pm Try to sleep again.
10.30pm Call Boy. Still don’t feel any better.
11pm Writing this line. [wow, and that’s exact]
I don’t cry very often. The last time I cried… was period pains and those were just a few tears rolling down and some muffled sobs. The last time I wept was when my rabbit died. Years ago.
9. I am in such emotional and physical pain. I’ve cried my eyes out. Its hurts to blink now, my eyes are so swollen. My nose is clogged. My uterus is being stabbed.
Period cramps are like gastric pains. Same problem, different organ. My theory is that because the blood is coming out, and the uterus is squeezing but remaining swollen and the same size, and that air is going in – and the pain is the uterus squeezing on nothing. Just air. And those of you who’ve suffered gastric problems before, you know it hurts. Cept the uterus isn’t a muscle like the stomach is. It has muscle, but weaker ones so the pain isn’t as sharp.
And my head hurts from the dehydration I think. Yeah, it’s gotten that far.
I will still cry again if I think about whatever it is that happened today and the people it will affect and the problems that I now have to face. As stupid as it sounds, I want to go to sleep and wake up like it’s a nightmare.
Nothing is going right today. There is no silver lining on my cloud.
N.B. Crying is physically and emotionally draining. I now understand how people can cry themselves to sleep. Not that you cry and sob and then sleep. But more like you have a big cry and wail and sob and weep and after the hysterics have calmed down, you feel really tired. And you just don’t want to cry anymore. The crying represents all the pain and sleep is really the only thing that will stop you from remembering what you were crying over. Some ice cream would have helped too but we didn’t have any. I don’t recommend crying to anyone unless you’ve already started. Then you should really just cry it all out. I was sobbing in the car with a huge ball of tissues in my hand. Quite gross.
11.11pm. A good time to sign off. Good night.
Now that Friday’s come and effectively gone, I have other things on my mind.
Exam results are below. The breakdown is as follows:
Legal Method and System: C
Contract Law: D
Constitutional and Administrative Law: C
Criminal Law: B
Legal Skills: B
FYI, D is 40-49%, C is 50-59% and so on and so forth. Needless to say, the D pulled me way down and now it all up to the graciousness of the Cardiff University International Department. Will they want a screw-up like me on campus? My friend said that last year the University accepted students who, like me, got one D grade; so all hope is not lost. If the University reject me grades and don’t offer me a place then HELP will help me appeal.
It’s about 10.30pm Friday night writing this and after a day of crying, sleeping and watching telly, I’ve thought some things thru.
So now you know my situation, I have a few things on my mind.
1. I’m a complete wreck. Not now, now that I’ve pulled myself together somewhat (into blogging shape, ain’t bad), but it really hit me hard. I mean. I expected to pass. And I passed. But barely. I mean, what does that say about me as a person? I put almost 100% into preparing for that exam and all I could muster was a pass? And barely at that. [40% is a pass btw]. It’s given my whole self-esteem and self-confidence a huge blow. I didn’t expect As – I was dreaming about it tho – but a D is way below anything I could have possibly hoped for. Consolation: my friend who did all the past year papers and essays only got a B for that paper so I’m not the only one disappointed, he expected an A. And not to say that my results are satisfactory (far from it) but my friend who admittedly studied for the exam papers till 4am in the morning also got a D. don’t know what subject tho.
I don’t blame anyone but myself. I really don’t. I should have tried harder. I don’t know how, but I should have. Done past year papers. Read up more. I did all that I thought I could and should do. I should have done better.
2. How am I going to tell my dad? That’s the thing that freaking me out the most. My mum already knows. But my dad. He’s going to do a Mount Vesuvius. I want mum to tell him. Then he can cool off somewhere where I’m not. I can live with being disappointed in myself. That’s hard enough. But with both parents aiming the blame gun on me (rightly so but still, it’s hurts), I don’t think I could face it at the moment. Circumventing that, I’m locking myself in my room till she tells him. Good thing tmr is Saturday and they both have to go to the office. At least I can sneak out to get something to eat.
Speaking of which I only had toast and milo for breakfast, a jam sandwich and lots of water today. Not really hungry seeing as Aunt Flo decided so aptly to come this morning. And with a truckload of HURT too. So you’ll have to excuse me if I’m feeling moody and grumpy.
3. I wonder how long I can not tell him?
4. I was thinking that if I go, I’ll have to end it with the Boy. I really don’t trust him enough to leave him here while I’m over there. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate. If I end up not going – which is entirely possible now – then things remain to be seen.
He suggested that he would come over today. I was sounding pretty messed up over the phone so maybe he got the hint. I wouldn’t have minded some positive support. However, as usual, he was busy. Another disappointment. Granted, it took my mind off the other ginormously huge disappointment that happened that day, so now I’m thinking that being irritated at him was some sort of projection-hormonal effect. Pity that people get caught in the crossfire of things.
Well he called me up this afternoon about something and we were talking abt my thing and I came off rather hopeless. Dunno whether that irritated him or not. Another thing I was wondering abt.
5. I don’t want to make a big fuss over it. I’m not writing all my tiny petty things so people will feel sorry for me and bake me cookies or send me flowers. I’m sad and depressed and lonely, not dying. Save the pity for someone who wants it. I was in the pity mood a while back. Past that. I guess I just want to be left alone now. I have too many things to think about.
6. The crappy thing about mood swings are the swings themselves. Being moody is fine. Swinging is annoying cos u feel like an idiot and a hypocrite all the time. Fine. I do want some pity. And I do want some attention. Just don’t make me feel like I’m a lost cause. I need… positive encouragement. Not “oh, sorry for your bad grades. I’m sure you’ll do better next time.” Gimme something to work with.
7. Some more Boy issues. How much should I expect him to do? Or try to do? Deep down I want him to try. And that’s not happening. I’m trying. I think. I don’t know what he expects me to do but I’m doing the best I can. I still keep wondering how compatible we are.
8. I can lay out my schedule for the day so you can see how I fared. Would you have done the same?
9am Wake up
10am To the office and breakfast.
12.15pm Check results.
1.30pm Lunch down stairs. I have cramps so I only have hot tea.
2.30pm Go home. Thanks mum.
3pm Cry
4.30pm Sleep
6pm Cry myself to sleep.
7pm Watch TV
10pm Try to sleep again.
10.30pm Call Boy. Still don’t feel any better.
11pm Writing this line. [wow, and that’s exact]
I don’t cry very often. The last time I cried… was period pains and those were just a few tears rolling down and some muffled sobs. The last time I wept was when my rabbit died. Years ago.
9. I am in such emotional and physical pain. I’ve cried my eyes out. Its hurts to blink now, my eyes are so swollen. My nose is clogged. My uterus is being stabbed.
Period cramps are like gastric pains. Same problem, different organ. My theory is that because the blood is coming out, and the uterus is squeezing but remaining swollen and the same size, and that air is going in – and the pain is the uterus squeezing on nothing. Just air. And those of you who’ve suffered gastric problems before, you know it hurts. Cept the uterus isn’t a muscle like the stomach is. It has muscle, but weaker ones so the pain isn’t as sharp.
And my head hurts from the dehydration I think. Yeah, it’s gotten that far.
I will still cry again if I think about whatever it is that happened today and the people it will affect and the problems that I now have to face. As stupid as it sounds, I want to go to sleep and wake up like it’s a nightmare.
Nothing is going right today. There is no silver lining on my cloud.
N.B. Crying is physically and emotionally draining. I now understand how people can cry themselves to sleep. Not that you cry and sob and then sleep. But more like you have a big cry and wail and sob and weep and after the hysterics have calmed down, you feel really tired. And you just don’t want to cry anymore. The crying represents all the pain and sleep is really the only thing that will stop you from remembering what you were crying over. Some ice cream would have helped too but we didn’t have any. I don’t recommend crying to anyone unless you’ve already started. Then you should really just cry it all out. I was sobbing in the car with a huge ball of tissues in my hand. Quite gross.
11.11pm. A good time to sign off. Good night.
Quickie
Exam results out.
Just found out.
How does one interpret 2Bs, 2Cs and a D?
I cried. More... silently sobbed. Tears came. Nose leaked. Now I'm just pretty damn frustrated.
I needed a min of 50% per paper to go thru and I was relying on the scholarship too. Now I'm not even sure if i can go to Cardiff.
F%*K S!&T
Just found out.
How does one interpret 2Bs, 2Cs and a D?
I cried. More... silently sobbed. Tears came. Nose leaked. Now I'm just pretty damn frustrated.
I needed a min of 50% per paper to go thru and I was relying on the scholarship too. Now I'm not even sure if i can go to Cardiff.
F%*K S!&T
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
The Story that never finished
Lea and I were speculating on the romantic life of a very (understandably) secretive friend of ours who recently got into a relationship with a "mysterious girl" (can you hear Peter Andre singing in the background?). Anyway, we were bored of just guessing and decided to make something up...
When the world was young, there lived a fearless hunter. (me)
of flies. he was the biggest frog ive ever seen (Lea)
The frog was a lone hunter. he hunted for himself and only himself.
However, the frog was lonely.
He craved a princess
a true and beautiful princess, fair of face, body and disposition
she also had to be not-a-frog, as our froggie hunter had some strange fantasies occasionally
oh how he longed for the day when a fair maiden would lie by his bogside and scratch his warts.
he saw how happy his cousin egbert was with his monkey and decided to seek another mammal.
of the hairless kind
or rather
less hairy than a monkey but still relatively hairy when compared to his own species
(but frogs dont have hair...)
(this frog had facial hair ok)
The fretful frog pondered his fate and decided to consult the wise old toad who lived in the swamp of Kedah.
The old toad was said to have divine abilities and could answer any question provided he was presented with good grades.
Our froggie friend worked his croak off that year to provide the grades needed for a divination
At the end of his eforts he was awarded a meagre 3 out of 5 flies. Not disheartened, he hopped onwards, towards the cow-infested swamp.
He had to rush madly through the swamp to escape the toxic cow farts.
Barely escaping the noxious swamp, as he opened his mouth to inhale sweet fresh air, he spotted the odious fortunetelling toad in the distance.
He almost choked as the stench hit him and thrashed wildly to land himself on the mound on wich the great toad sat
Crawling with all his might he dragged his weaked limbs up to the throne of wet leaves and begged the toad to tell him of his one true love.
unfortunately, as the toad was about to answer, a great big cow came and ate the toad.
He begged the cow to puke out the toad, so desperate was he
in the end he bit the cow's udder so hard that the cow screamed until it was hoarse
and the voice of the toad could be heard from within the stomach of the cow.
The toads voice floated out of the distressed cows mouth.
"seek the maiden who is cursed by the peacock. release her from her enchantment and she will be yours forever. she is the one."
Who knows where the story leads to... or if we will ever finish it...
When the world was young, there lived a fearless hunter. (me)
of flies. he was the biggest frog ive ever seen (Lea)
The frog was a lone hunter. he hunted for himself and only himself.
However, the frog was lonely.
He craved a princess
a true and beautiful princess, fair of face, body and disposition
she also had to be not-a-frog, as our froggie hunter had some strange fantasies occasionally
oh how he longed for the day when a fair maiden would lie by his bogside and scratch his warts.
he saw how happy his cousin egbert was with his monkey and decided to seek another mammal.
of the hairless kind
or rather
less hairy than a monkey but still relatively hairy when compared to his own species
(but frogs dont have hair...)
(this frog had facial hair ok)
The fretful frog pondered his fate and decided to consult the wise old toad who lived in the swamp of Kedah.
The old toad was said to have divine abilities and could answer any question provided he was presented with good grades.
Our froggie friend worked his croak off that year to provide the grades needed for a divination
At the end of his eforts he was awarded a meagre 3 out of 5 flies. Not disheartened, he hopped onwards, towards the cow-infested swamp.
He had to rush madly through the swamp to escape the toxic cow farts.
Barely escaping the noxious swamp, as he opened his mouth to inhale sweet fresh air, he spotted the odious fortunetelling toad in the distance.
He almost choked as the stench hit him and thrashed wildly to land himself on the mound on wich the great toad sat
Crawling with all his might he dragged his weaked limbs up to the throne of wet leaves and begged the toad to tell him of his one true love.
unfortunately, as the toad was about to answer, a great big cow came and ate the toad.
He begged the cow to puke out the toad, so desperate was he
in the end he bit the cow's udder so hard that the cow screamed until it was hoarse
and the voice of the toad could be heard from within the stomach of the cow.
The toads voice floated out of the distressed cows mouth.
"seek the maiden who is cursed by the peacock. release her from her enchantment and she will be yours forever. she is the one."
Who knows where the story leads to... or if we will ever finish it...
"Over the course of several days..."
Time for a new list!
1. Flights! Out of the country! Soon!
2. Croydon School of Gymnastics
3. Lurve – the definition of
4. Other things I want to get.
I know, I want a lot of things. But there are some things that just catch my eye, that’s all. Ahh, I want an unlimited bank account. Hehe.
* * *
1. I’m leaving, on a jet plane!
I called STA Travel the other day and I’m sending in my travel booking form on Monday (written on Friday). So the plan is to leave on the 19th September – which is the beginning of my residency if it comes through. I’ve applied for a return ticket (valid for a year) so I’ll prob be back in June 2008. Why, you ask? Well:
a) Its cheaper to come back rather than stay there. Even if I work I don’t think it would be worth it.
b) The Boy is begging me to come back after the year is done. How can I resist those puppy dog pleas?
Granted I was planning to stay in the UK before The Boy came along but thinking about it now, even if The Boy and I don’t pan out, it’s still worth coming back. Maybe after my third year I’ll stay there and do my qualification. Long distance has never been so painful before.
2. Croydon School of Gymnastics
is closing down!
Its nuts, I know! I have so many memories there! It’s a total tragedy for it to just be gone because of lack of premises. I love all the coaches that coached me and were so supportive and patient and I can’t imagine it not being around for the next bunch of kids to enjoy themselves. That place really fosters a sense of love for the sport. Its not only great exercise but they make it so fun. If you’re not good enough, they’ll push you to be better, and once you get better you really feel like you’ve progressed. There is never any second best. 100% effort. Which makes it a crying shame when the community over there just lets it die off.
So if you live in Croydon or in London or anywhere, join the Facebook group or even better, petition the city council if you can. Do whatever you can. Trust me. This is a truly worthwhile cause.
3. Lurve – the definition of
I think I’d better define my definition of love before I contradict myself.
To clarify, I’ve never been in love. I’ve been in like. And I imagine being in love is similar but more intense? It’s just a guess.
So what do I think love feels like? Well, like I said, I’ve never felt it, but it think I have a pretty good idea from a dream I had. I woke up with the most awesome feeling of being in love and being loved. Very cool.
Well to me, it was kinda like the feeling of being warm and tingly all over and being with that one person who you love and who you know loves you back and you don’t even have to say it, you just know.
Yeah. The unspoken bond. You can remove the stereotype stick from my ribs please. I know how cliché it sounds.
I mean, I believe in love and I want to be in love. I just don’t want to waste saying the 3 words when I don’t feel it. When you say something often, it tends to lose its meaning.
And love has very little to do with lust. Just to clarify. Remember. I am immoral.
And. It’s still no.
4. Other things I want to get.
Sports bra from Sorella. Cos the ones I have give no shape and let my boobs bounce around too much. And they give it a line when I wear t-shirts. The Sorella one is pretty good cos it’s got wire and gives shape and it’s not uncomfortable so I wanna get it. And it’s only RM39.90. KLCC Isetan.
Jeans. Choice #1: P&Co. Choice #2: PDI Hipster Jeans. Choice #3: Any jeans that are low waist, boot leg and not stretchy.
Studs. Cos The Netball tournament is on grass and they (the rest of the other players) said wearing studs would definitely be recommended. I’m not entirely sure what they studs look like or how they attach to my shoes, but I’ll try and find out.
RAM. For my Notebook. It's at 512MB now but it can go up to 2Gigs. I want to upgrade it before I go... Dunno how much that's gonna set me back.
* * *
FYI, my parent’s office address is:
SL Consultants
1220, 12th Floor, Block A, Damansara Intan.
Use Entrance 4 and go to the 12th floor. Turn left out of the elevator and left again. The glass door on the right with the keypad opposite AlfaCom.
Save me!
* * *
Having lunch with Ee Leen this week. Apparently she’s interning at her dad’s friend’s law firm which so happens to be in the same building block as I am; tho entrance 6. She’s knows how to use a typewriter! It’s so fun! No. really. It is. And you can delete letters and words too! It’s so cool! Mostly for filling out forms and things. I think most law firms have at least one. The law firm I was in last time had one too, tho it hadn’t been used in ages.
Edit: She's bailed on me today. Damnit. Got to eat some Thai Fried rice of Mum's. Pretty damn good.
* * *
Aunt Flo’s going to pay a visit soon so that’s going to suck. Tho lately she hasn’t been such a pain. She’s just annoying to deal with all the time.
* * *
I’m thinking that The Boy and I aren’t compatible. It’s pretty obvious. But why stick it out? I can live without an other half – and seeing as this current other half isn’t really my other half, more of just AN other half, why stick with it. I reckon it’s a why not instead of a why. Living by a “why not” is much more opening.
And I kinda guess getting into this is partially my fault. I was the one who gave him that “live for the now” speech.
* * *
And I highly recommended that people ____________ because… I say so.
(a) listen to Michael Buble’s Everything
(b) watch Supernatural
(c) read Jeffery Archer
(d) believe everything I say *mwahahaha*
1. Flights! Out of the country! Soon!
2. Croydon School of Gymnastics
3. Lurve – the definition of
4. Other things I want to get.
I know, I want a lot of things. But there are some things that just catch my eye, that’s all. Ahh, I want an unlimited bank account. Hehe.
* * *
1. I’m leaving, on a jet plane!
I called STA Travel the other day and I’m sending in my travel booking form on Monday (written on Friday). So the plan is to leave on the 19th September – which is the beginning of my residency if it comes through. I’ve applied for a return ticket (valid for a year) so I’ll prob be back in June 2008. Why, you ask? Well:
a) Its cheaper to come back rather than stay there. Even if I work I don’t think it would be worth it.
b) The Boy is begging me to come back after the year is done. How can I resist those puppy dog pleas?
Granted I was planning to stay in the UK before The Boy came along but thinking about it now, even if The Boy and I don’t pan out, it’s still worth coming back. Maybe after my third year I’ll stay there and do my qualification. Long distance has never been so painful before.
2. Croydon School of Gymnastics
is closing down!
Its nuts, I know! I have so many memories there! It’s a total tragedy for it to just be gone because of lack of premises. I love all the coaches that coached me and were so supportive and patient and I can’t imagine it not being around for the next bunch of kids to enjoy themselves. That place really fosters a sense of love for the sport. Its not only great exercise but they make it so fun. If you’re not good enough, they’ll push you to be better, and once you get better you really feel like you’ve progressed. There is never any second best. 100% effort. Which makes it a crying shame when the community over there just lets it die off.
So if you live in Croydon or in London or anywhere, join the Facebook group or even better, petition the city council if you can. Do whatever you can. Trust me. This is a truly worthwhile cause.
3. Lurve – the definition of
I think I’d better define my definition of love before I contradict myself.
To clarify, I’ve never been in love. I’ve been in like. And I imagine being in love is similar but more intense? It’s just a guess.
So what do I think love feels like? Well, like I said, I’ve never felt it, but it think I have a pretty good idea from a dream I had. I woke up with the most awesome feeling of being in love and being loved. Very cool.
Well to me, it was kinda like the feeling of being warm and tingly all over and being with that one person who you love and who you know loves you back and you don’t even have to say it, you just know.
Yeah. The unspoken bond. You can remove the stereotype stick from my ribs please. I know how cliché it sounds.
I mean, I believe in love and I want to be in love. I just don’t want to waste saying the 3 words when I don’t feel it. When you say something often, it tends to lose its meaning.
And love has very little to do with lust. Just to clarify. Remember. I am immoral.
And. It’s still no.
4. Other things I want to get.
Sports bra from Sorella. Cos the ones I have give no shape and let my boobs bounce around too much. And they give it a line when I wear t-shirts. The Sorella one is pretty good cos it’s got wire and gives shape and it’s not uncomfortable so I wanna get it. And it’s only RM39.90. KLCC Isetan.
Jeans. Choice #1: P&Co. Choice #2: PDI Hipster Jeans. Choice #3: Any jeans that are low waist, boot leg and not stretchy.
Studs. Cos The Netball tournament is on grass and they (the rest of the other players) said wearing studs would definitely be recommended. I’m not entirely sure what they studs look like or how they attach to my shoes, but I’ll try and find out.
RAM. For my Notebook. It's at 512MB now but it can go up to 2Gigs. I want to upgrade it before I go... Dunno how much that's gonna set me back.
* * *
FYI, my parent’s office address is:
SL Consultants
1220, 12th Floor, Block A, Damansara Intan.
Use Entrance 4 and go to the 12th floor. Turn left out of the elevator and left again. The glass door on the right with the keypad opposite AlfaCom.
Save me!
* * *
Having lunch with Ee Leen this week. Apparently she’s interning at her dad’s friend’s law firm which so happens to be in the same building block as I am; tho entrance 6. She’s knows how to use a typewriter! It’s so fun! No. really. It is. And you can delete letters and words too! It’s so cool! Mostly for filling out forms and things. I think most law firms have at least one. The law firm I was in last time had one too, tho it hadn’t been used in ages.
Edit: She's bailed on me today. Damnit. Got to eat some Thai Fried rice of Mum's. Pretty damn good.
* * *
Aunt Flo’s going to pay a visit soon so that’s going to suck. Tho lately she hasn’t been such a pain. She’s just annoying to deal with all the time.
* * *
I’m thinking that The Boy and I aren’t compatible. It’s pretty obvious. But why stick it out? I can live without an other half – and seeing as this current other half isn’t really my other half, more of just AN other half, why stick with it. I reckon it’s a why not instead of a why. Living by a “why not” is much more opening.
And I kinda guess getting into this is partially my fault. I was the one who gave him that “live for the now” speech.
“If something good comes along now, why give it up just because it mightI distinctly remember myself saying that. Me and my big mouth.
not work out?”
* * *
And I highly recommended that people ____________ because… I say so.
(a) listen to Michael Buble’s Everything
(b) watch Supernatural
(c) read Jeffery Archer
(d) believe everything I say *mwahahaha*
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Get the Skinny. Shoes, Sex, and Stinking.
I‘ve been thinking about all the things I want to write on my blog and the list is overwhelming.
1. Getting skinny and henceforth eating more
2. What I need to buy – not really necessities but required clothing nonetheless
Which leads to
3. Shoes
4. Elisa and Lea and ThouWhoShouldNotBeMentioned and the whole Sex thing.
5. New label – “Candid”. For relationship things now that not everything is so depressing.
6. Working stinks.
7. Clubbing
Ok, have to get out of the office – finally. So I have to log off. Will continue this later.
-Tuesday, 5.56pm.
* * *
Ok, so I was out for a couple of days not blogging. Good thing I wrote down that list. There is more to add to that but let’s just get started shall we?
1. The skinny.
Fact: My pants are looser. Fact: My wrists are smaller. Fact: I do not own a scale so I go by clothes.
I think its cos of stress. First it was exams. And when that was over with there were scheduling probs with The Boy. During exams I did loose a fair bit of weight but nothing I was too worried about. Then after exams just lying at home, too lazy to fix my own lunch, I lost some more. Then all the worrying about The Boy and how we are and what we are gonna do or not do or whatever. I’m a constant worrier of relationship things as you are well aware.
So as a guess, I have lost a bit of weight as counted by the loosened pants and the lack of inches around my waist.
There is one thing about this that troubles me. I’ve always been quite round and chubby, especially thru the puberty phase and all and I’ve always wanted to lose a few inches around the tummy area. However, when you friends start saying how skinny you are getting, it raises a few flags in my head. Am I skinny-you’ve lost the baby fat, good for you-skinny, or skinny-you’ve lost too much, we are scared you are getting anorexic-skinny?
I mean, I’m happy I look better in t-shirts and things but the lack of ass is annoying. My boobs are still firmly meaty tho.
I do love to eat but my skipping lunch is not really a problem for me anymore. It used to be: skip lunch = whine to mum about dinner. Now it’s: skip lunch = wait for dinner. There is a big diff. I still like to eat but I definitely think my stomach has shrunk. Like after the 30-Hour Famine feeling. The smallest morsel of food makes you satisfied.
And then there is the added fat-burning netball practice – now twice a week till end of June. THAT, plus I’m playing CENTRE. Which means twice the running I’m used too. I need to work on my stamina but with the long hours in the office and the late coming home (from office – I blame parents), I don’t have time to go swimming or even go jogging. And no way’ I’m getting up at 6am to do either. I’m not a morning person.
So: less food – check. More exercise – check. More stress – check. Loss of appetite – check. I’m well on my way to a really unhealthy lifestyle. I want to not work. It would really solve a lot. I think.
2. What I need to buy
Track pants. Tight ones that stick to my legs and don’t flop around like baggy pants. I was thinking Nike – cos of the DriFit fabric, but that’s just cos I have expensive taste. Anything that fits me and isn’t waist high will be fine. I am realizing that shorts during netball are not too comfy. I mean, they are ok, but my legs need airing and if I sit like guys sit to cool down, my shorts are pretty exposed.
New trainers. The ones I bought 3 years ago (that’s right! Time for new ones!) are, um, falling apart. If you can call a bit of rubber on the bottom getting unstuck. I’m so bored with the white ones. I want funky coloured ones. I want the silver and neon green Reeboks that were so comfy! Damn you empty bank account.
A black fabric belt. I know I can get one from 1Utama. 2 belts for RM10. And they are reversible. Which makes it 4 belts for RM10. Not so much a want as a fashion necessity.
Oh. In addition to things I want (for like a present) – Notebook sleeve / holder / bag. Probably from Penskin, Golla, or something else that’s not black, sissy or plain. Really expensive so not expecting any returns on this wish. No harm in trying.
3. Shoes
As above, I want new trainers. I also want the Everlast shoes. I can't find a picture to post up to show you so if you want to know what they are like, just ask. They are RM69.90 by the way and almost out of sizes!
4. ThouWhoShouldNotBeMentioned (Sex)
I took down the name from the last post. Had a lot of questions about that I it kinda felt think I was betraying a confidence so name is down but statement still applies.
Elisa was webcamming me in the office that day so she read it and asked some questions and figured it out. I mean its fine and all to ask me about it. I don’t mind. It’s the whole judgemental thing I want to stay away from. Not that you are not entitled to your own opinion about sex but its different once you actually have to face it and deal with it and after you do, a lot of things change. It’s not so taboo anymore and because I have some questions, I’d prefer talking to someone who won’t judge me. Well, not as much as the others might.
It’s hard to talk about sex when: a) you’re not sure if the person’s had it, b) how they deal with talking about it, and c) how they will perceive you once they know what your situation is. By the way, the answer to the above for me is: a) no, b) very candidly, and c) I’m probably the most immoral and outrageous of my bunch of friends so if I frown on you, you are defiantly going to hell.
5. “Candid”
To deal with the relationship issues that doesn’t make me sad. Like talking about what the guy did and what questions I have about “us”. And especially about sex. I have to be rather in a nonchalant mood to talk about it as if it were a whole normal thing.
And while I’m at it, the previous post about “being in love” is moot. Rephrase to “being in lust”. I know - I’m a bad Christian, but… I have no excuse. Temptation is too fun.
And the answer is still No.
His answer that is.
Oh, mine is too btw. *sly wink*
6. Working stinks.
Picture a secretary. Then picture her in a really small cubicle. Now make her chair immobile. Now imagine her boss is a total spaz. Now imagine she doesn’t get paid. Or have a car. Or the ability to escape her employers even once she gets home.
Welcome to my work week.
Tho I do get one day off (negotiated).The office makes my nose clog or something. Whatever it is, the office is reaaaaaally dry. The old office was and the new office is. I think my parents are like human moisture suckers or something. And they don’t feel the dryness at all. I’m like drinking water all day so I won’t crackle up and disintegrate into dust. And yet, I try not to drink so much because then I would have to climb out of the prison that is my chair and go to the loo every 15 minutes – no joke.
And I get the most mundane jobs too. I’m the best photocopier in the office (of 4 people) so I get the glamorous job of sitting in front of the 4-in-1 printer-scanner-fax-copier for 4 hours breathing in toner powder.
And let’s not forget binding. Which is preferable to copying because at least I have something to do all the time instead of pressing a button and waiting.
Other than the admin stuff I have a file of invoices that I have to enter into the accounting system, also known as data entry. THE most boring and not-worthwhile job ON THE PLANET. If it were up o me, I’d quit and look for another job. No amount of money could possibly tempt me to ever do data entry. Even for a million ringgit. Make that pound sterling and we should talk…
7. Clubbing
Thursday night + Maison = Ladies night + R&B! The best time ever! Unforch, The Boy asked to see me on Thursday so No Clubbing for Moi. Was planning on taking Friday off and seeing him then, but I usually cave. No biggie. I can go some other time, plus I would feel dead tired the next day and what with Saturday and Sunday killer practices, I may just collapse. And it’s no fun if Your Boy isn’t there dancing with you.
* * *
The Boy has immaculate timing. Just when I kicked him out of the house (not literally - like how celebs kick the Mtv Cribs crew out) I was feeling all like “it’s all very physical” and “there’s no like real connection” and “I don’t know what he’s thinking”. 10 minutes later on the way to Futsal he msgs me to know he appreciates me. I could copy it verbatim but it’s not required.
I would be a shitty celeb. I don’t like telling people about my situation unless they ask. And I don’t like people prying into my personal issues unless I need and ask for help. Yeah, the paparazzi can lick my middle finger.
Oh, we (Boy and I) are kinda hooked on this game called Last Chaos. It’s an online free MMORPG. Kinda like WOW but smaller. Fun tho. He’s way more addicted to it than I am. Not so much an issue – tho I get bored sometimes and I want ATTENTION! But heading the list on Facebook of “There Are Some Things Girls Should Always Do For Guys. Period.”, I allow him the small window of nerdiness. And I take comfort that at least I play it too.
The Boy has a lack of money. It shouldn’t annoy me. But it does. Cos I paid for his lunch (RM12.50) and… there was no compensation. I mean, at least offer. I think I would have said no. But at least offer. Oh well, no major harm.
Things would work a lot easier if we were on the same pay scale. But he tells me his family has financial issues with juggling money here and in Australia so I’ll give him a bye this time.
We haven’t gone to see a movie in ages. So technically we aren’t going out. Weird huh.
* * *
I have slept with him however. Where “sleeping with” is defined as “sleeping. In the same bed. Next to each other.” Albeit, with minimal clothing.
* * *
With all the other guys I dated. Or something close to that, I could usually tell what they were thinking. Andin turn, manipulate them to my evil needs. Mwahahahahahaha... Evil laugh aside, I can't read this one. I think I've mentioned this before. And it troubles me because I have slight control freak issues and I constatly worry if he's gonna cheat on me. Because he does love his sex, that I will say. Could i like put a tracker on him or something? Just a thought.
1. Getting skinny and henceforth eating more
2. What I need to buy – not really necessities but required clothing nonetheless
Which leads to
3. Shoes
4. Elisa and Lea and ThouWhoShouldNotBeMentioned and the whole Sex thing.
5. New label – “Candid”. For relationship things now that not everything is so depressing.
6. Working stinks.
7. Clubbing
Ok, have to get out of the office – finally. So I have to log off. Will continue this later.
-Tuesday, 5.56pm.
* * *
Ok, so I was out for a couple of days not blogging. Good thing I wrote down that list. There is more to add to that but let’s just get started shall we?
1. The skinny.
Fact: My pants are looser. Fact: My wrists are smaller. Fact: I do not own a scale so I go by clothes.
I think its cos of stress. First it was exams. And when that was over with there were scheduling probs with The Boy. During exams I did loose a fair bit of weight but nothing I was too worried about. Then after exams just lying at home, too lazy to fix my own lunch, I lost some more. Then all the worrying about The Boy and how we are and what we are gonna do or not do or whatever. I’m a constant worrier of relationship things as you are well aware.
So as a guess, I have lost a bit of weight as counted by the loosened pants and the lack of inches around my waist.
There is one thing about this that troubles me. I’ve always been quite round and chubby, especially thru the puberty phase and all and I’ve always wanted to lose a few inches around the tummy area. However, when you friends start saying how skinny you are getting, it raises a few flags in my head. Am I skinny-you’ve lost the baby fat, good for you-skinny, or skinny-you’ve lost too much, we are scared you are getting anorexic-skinny?
I mean, I’m happy I look better in t-shirts and things but the lack of ass is annoying. My boobs are still firmly meaty tho.
I do love to eat but my skipping lunch is not really a problem for me anymore. It used to be: skip lunch = whine to mum about dinner. Now it’s: skip lunch = wait for dinner. There is a big diff. I still like to eat but I definitely think my stomach has shrunk. Like after the 30-Hour Famine feeling. The smallest morsel of food makes you satisfied.
And then there is the added fat-burning netball practice – now twice a week till end of June. THAT, plus I’m playing CENTRE. Which means twice the running I’m used too. I need to work on my stamina but with the long hours in the office and the late coming home (from office – I blame parents), I don’t have time to go swimming or even go jogging. And no way’ I’m getting up at 6am to do either. I’m not a morning person.
So: less food – check. More exercise – check. More stress – check. Loss of appetite – check. I’m well on my way to a really unhealthy lifestyle. I want to not work. It would really solve a lot. I think.
2. What I need to buy
Track pants. Tight ones that stick to my legs and don’t flop around like baggy pants. I was thinking Nike – cos of the DriFit fabric, but that’s just cos I have expensive taste. Anything that fits me and isn’t waist high will be fine. I am realizing that shorts during netball are not too comfy. I mean, they are ok, but my legs need airing and if I sit like guys sit to cool down, my shorts are pretty exposed.
New trainers. The ones I bought 3 years ago (that’s right! Time for new ones!) are, um, falling apart. If you can call a bit of rubber on the bottom getting unstuck. I’m so bored with the white ones. I want funky coloured ones. I want the silver and neon green Reeboks that were so comfy! Damn you empty bank account.
A black fabric belt. I know I can get one from 1Utama. 2 belts for RM10. And they are reversible. Which makes it 4 belts for RM10. Not so much a want as a fashion necessity.
Oh. In addition to things I want (for like a present) – Notebook sleeve / holder / bag. Probably from Penskin, Golla, or something else that’s not black, sissy or plain. Really expensive so not expecting any returns on this wish. No harm in trying.
3. Shoes
As above, I want new trainers. I also want the Everlast shoes. I can't find a picture to post up to show you so if you want to know what they are like, just ask. They are RM69.90 by the way and almost out of sizes!
4. ThouWhoShouldNotBeMentioned (Sex)
I took down the name from the last post. Had a lot of questions about that I it kinda felt think I was betraying a confidence so name is down but statement still applies.
Elisa was webcamming me in the office that day so she read it and asked some questions and figured it out. I mean its fine and all to ask me about it. I don’t mind. It’s the whole judgemental thing I want to stay away from. Not that you are not entitled to your own opinion about sex but its different once you actually have to face it and deal with it and after you do, a lot of things change. It’s not so taboo anymore and because I have some questions, I’d prefer talking to someone who won’t judge me. Well, not as much as the others might.
It’s hard to talk about sex when: a) you’re not sure if the person’s had it, b) how they deal with talking about it, and c) how they will perceive you once they know what your situation is. By the way, the answer to the above for me is: a) no, b) very candidly, and c) I’m probably the most immoral and outrageous of my bunch of friends so if I frown on you, you are defiantly going to hell.
5. “Candid”
To deal with the relationship issues that doesn’t make me sad. Like talking about what the guy did and what questions I have about “us”. And especially about sex. I have to be rather in a nonchalant mood to talk about it as if it were a whole normal thing.
And while I’m at it, the previous post about “being in love” is moot. Rephrase to “being in lust”. I know - I’m a bad Christian, but… I have no excuse. Temptation is too fun.
And the answer is still No.
His answer that is.
Oh, mine is too btw. *sly wink*
6. Working stinks.
Picture a secretary. Then picture her in a really small cubicle. Now make her chair immobile. Now imagine her boss is a total spaz. Now imagine she doesn’t get paid. Or have a car. Or the ability to escape her employers even once she gets home.
Welcome to my work week.
Tho I do get one day off (negotiated).The office makes my nose clog or something. Whatever it is, the office is reaaaaaally dry. The old office was and the new office is. I think my parents are like human moisture suckers or something. And they don’t feel the dryness at all. I’m like drinking water all day so I won’t crackle up and disintegrate into dust. And yet, I try not to drink so much because then I would have to climb out of the prison that is my chair and go to the loo every 15 minutes – no joke.
And I get the most mundane jobs too. I’m the best photocopier in the office (of 4 people) so I get the glamorous job of sitting in front of the 4-in-1 printer-scanner-fax-copier for 4 hours breathing in toner powder.
And let’s not forget binding. Which is preferable to copying because at least I have something to do all the time instead of pressing a button and waiting.
Other than the admin stuff I have a file of invoices that I have to enter into the accounting system, also known as data entry. THE most boring and not-worthwhile job ON THE PLANET. If it were up o me, I’d quit and look for another job. No amount of money could possibly tempt me to ever do data entry. Even for a million ringgit. Make that pound sterling and we should talk…
7. Clubbing
Thursday night + Maison = Ladies night + R&B! The best time ever! Unforch, The Boy asked to see me on Thursday so No Clubbing for Moi. Was planning on taking Friday off and seeing him then, but I usually cave. No biggie. I can go some other time, plus I would feel dead tired the next day and what with Saturday and Sunday killer practices, I may just collapse. And it’s no fun if Your Boy isn’t there dancing with you.
* * *
The Boy has immaculate timing. Just when I kicked him out of the house (not literally - like how celebs kick the Mtv Cribs crew out) I was feeling all like “it’s all very physical” and “there’s no like real connection” and “I don’t know what he’s thinking”. 10 minutes later on the way to Futsal he msgs me to know he appreciates me. I could copy it verbatim but it’s not required.
I would be a shitty celeb. I don’t like telling people about my situation unless they ask. And I don’t like people prying into my personal issues unless I need and ask for help. Yeah, the paparazzi can lick my middle finger.
Oh, we (Boy and I) are kinda hooked on this game called Last Chaos. It’s an online free MMORPG. Kinda like WOW but smaller. Fun tho. He’s way more addicted to it than I am. Not so much an issue – tho I get bored sometimes and I want ATTENTION! But heading the list on Facebook of “There Are Some Things Girls Should Always Do For Guys. Period.”, I allow him the small window of nerdiness. And I take comfort that at least I play it too.
The Boy has a lack of money. It shouldn’t annoy me. But it does. Cos I paid for his lunch (RM12.50) and… there was no compensation. I mean, at least offer. I think I would have said no. But at least offer. Oh well, no major harm.
Things would work a lot easier if we were on the same pay scale. But he tells me his family has financial issues with juggling money here and in Australia so I’ll give him a bye this time.
We haven’t gone to see a movie in ages. So technically we aren’t going out. Weird huh.
* * *
Sex: Yes please.
[Reference to old McDonald’s application joke. Chill.]
[Reference to old McDonald’s application joke. Chill.]
I have slept with him however. Where “sleeping with” is defined as “sleeping. In the same bed. Next to each other.” Albeit, with minimal clothing.
* * *
With all the other guys I dated. Or something close to that, I could usually tell what they were thinking. Andin turn, manipulate them to my evil needs. Mwahahahahahaha... Evil laugh aside, I can't read this one. I think I've mentioned this before. And it troubles me because I have slight control freak issues and I constatly worry if he's gonna cheat on me. Because he does love his sex, that I will say. Could i like put a tracker on him or something? Just a thought.
Monday, June 04, 2007
The Comeback!
I was thinking about sitting down and writing this in the shower and now that I’m in the office and left to my own devices, I’m buckling down and really going to writing it. Fighting with the procrastinator and winning…
Anyway, this post will consist of several parts. There is the part about content changes. The part about birthdays. The part about friends. And that will lead to the part about the Boy, which I will try and keep to a minimum. Reasons for which will be elaborated on below (so you have to read the entire thing. [Insert evil laugh]).
So yeah, content changes. I guess it’s pretty obvious that I’ve been neglecting my well-invested property in cyber space and although I can’t promise regular updates, I will try and make up for lack of quantity with excellent quality. Kinda like Maddox, but with less swearing.
Oh and I guess I should let you know what I’ve been up to. Exams up to my eyeballs for one thing. Tho that’s been over with for a little less than a month now. Results are out on the 15th (June) and to be honest, I can’t wait for them to come out. I really studied like a mad woman. And no, I’m not overly confident of what I’m gonna get, I just figure that the hard work is over with and what the results will be is no longer in my hands. Although one can always hope that the examiners are having a good day and are feeling generous *fingers crossed*.
And after exams, I bummed around at home and thoroughly enjoyed every single minute of doing nothing. And if I complained about being bored it’s because I had the expectation of doing something. Which is annoying if the doing something doesn’t materialize. So yeah, I had about 2 leisure filled weeks of lazing around the house. I’m so glad I did because I’m now stuck in my parents' dry-as-a-desert office in Damansara Intan. That’s the Prudential building after the Damansara toll if anyone gets the idea of rescuing me one day.
So anyway, mum’s got me posting invoices so the article may be a bit disjointed.
Birthdays. Ah yes, lots of birthday’s this month it seems. Happy Birthday to Michelle, Charlaine, Ezati, Aishah and… I’ve forgotten who else. Sorry. If your birthday is coming up, I may or may not remember. Yeah, so that’s covered all the bases.
And I’ve come up with a birthday wishlist of my own. No need to scratch ur head and wonder what to get me, I’ll be perfectly happy, if not happier if you ask me or get me whatever is on my list. And no, I have no shame.
WishList: Everlast shoes (KLCC), Jeans from P&Co (S-size), long sleeve t-shirts (for UK) and perhaps boots but I’m thinking I only really want one new pair of shoes.
I want to get August off from work so I can just relax. All things considering that I get into UK and/or I don’t have to do resits.
Tho it’s the hols, I haven’t seen many people. Mainly cos I’m a bit too busy to organize stuff. People I have yet to see: Felix, Malcolm, Elisa, Sunisha, Sabrina, Syazwan, Chelly, Shaun, Seng, KM, Naidu, and other various people that are around or will be around. But those are the names that I can recall and have talked to. Shaun and Seng onwards are kinda like tradition so it goes without saying.
I’m worried that all the old school friends are starting to grow apart. And it really pisses me off when people acknowledge it but fail to do anything about it. As if all the years that we spent together in school or wherever mean nothing. I mean, I hope to have long lasting friends and I understand that although we may lack the coolness of Uni or College friends but give us a chance. What ever happened to friends forever (stupid cliché)? But u know the concept is good.
The Boy. Who’s nickname now streams from ScaryGoRound. I think it’s appropriate. Descriptive yet vague. Good to keep private things private and yet enough to acknowledge his presence. Anyway, I’ve been having some rather destructive relationship thoughts and with the ban on talking to Lea, I’ve been more erratic than a yo-yo. Seriously. This is what I go thru on a daily basis...
If I haven’t heard from him in a while I start to doubt how he feels and wonder if it’s worth it.
I think: I don’t think he likes me as much as I do or as he did.
My inner voice: He does. You’re just trying to think bad thoughts.
I reply: But the fact that there are bad thoughts is a bad sign.
But: No one is perfect. Focus on the positive.
Me: But, but, it’s like he’s not trying.
The other Me: He’s trying, ok. You’re just not seeing how. Relationships aren’t what you think.
Me: But the other one was nicer.
Myself: The other one dumped your ass. Forget him. This one’s a keeper.
And I: I guess. I’m just not sure sure. I mean, I’m going to UK in Sept. Can I trust him to be alone for 9 months?
Right Brain: Yes. You have to at least trust him. You owe him that much. He’s giving up 9 months too.
Left Brain: Ok, that makes sense.
Something like that but it ultimately ends with me being convinced its worth staying around. Which I guess is good, but I feel the whole internal argument is a waste of time and energy.
Plus, I bought him the Prison Break – Season 1 DVD set (well, shared with Ezati) so I might as well let him watch that before I do anything drastic. AND he’s got my Bluetooth receiver hostage. Btw, anyone got Prison Break – Season 2?
Btw, SheWhoShouldNotBeNamed! I need to discuss certain personal issues with you. Heh. Sorry Lea, Personal experience beats all.
And just for the record, I have not had sex. Yet. Honestly, looking forward to it. But I will promise to be sensible about it. He may be horny, but he’s rather patient with this. Plus, popping it will be messy I hear.
And my policy on personal questions is: You can ask anything – I may or may not answer. Mwahaha.
* * *
I had a nightmare that he found this blog. And I got so screwed…
Anyway, this post will consist of several parts. There is the part about content changes. The part about birthdays. The part about friends. And that will lead to the part about the Boy, which I will try and keep to a minimum. Reasons for which will be elaborated on below (so you have to read the entire thing. [Insert evil laugh]).
So yeah, content changes. I guess it’s pretty obvious that I’ve been neglecting my well-invested property in cyber space and although I can’t promise regular updates, I will try and make up for lack of quantity with excellent quality. Kinda like Maddox, but with less swearing.
Oh and I guess I should let you know what I’ve been up to. Exams up to my eyeballs for one thing. Tho that’s been over with for a little less than a month now. Results are out on the 15th (June) and to be honest, I can’t wait for them to come out. I really studied like a mad woman. And no, I’m not overly confident of what I’m gonna get, I just figure that the hard work is over with and what the results will be is no longer in my hands. Although one can always hope that the examiners are having a good day and are feeling generous *fingers crossed*.
And after exams, I bummed around at home and thoroughly enjoyed every single minute of doing nothing. And if I complained about being bored it’s because I had the expectation of doing something. Which is annoying if the doing something doesn’t materialize. So yeah, I had about 2 leisure filled weeks of lazing around the house. I’m so glad I did because I’m now stuck in my parents' dry-as-a-desert office in Damansara Intan. That’s the Prudential building after the Damansara toll if anyone gets the idea of rescuing me one day.
So anyway, mum’s got me posting invoices so the article may be a bit disjointed.
Birthdays. Ah yes, lots of birthday’s this month it seems. Happy Birthday to Michelle, Charlaine, Ezati, Aishah and… I’ve forgotten who else. Sorry. If your birthday is coming up, I may or may not remember. Yeah, so that’s covered all the bases.
And I’ve come up with a birthday wishlist of my own. No need to scratch ur head and wonder what to get me, I’ll be perfectly happy, if not happier if you ask me or get me whatever is on my list. And no, I have no shame.
WishList: Everlast shoes (KLCC), Jeans from P&Co (S-size), long sleeve t-shirts (for UK) and perhaps boots but I’m thinking I only really want one new pair of shoes.
I want to get August off from work so I can just relax. All things considering that I get into UK and/or I don’t have to do resits.
Tho it’s the hols, I haven’t seen many people. Mainly cos I’m a bit too busy to organize stuff. People I have yet to see: Felix, Malcolm, Elisa, Sunisha, Sabrina, Syazwan, Chelly, Shaun, Seng, KM, Naidu, and other various people that are around or will be around. But those are the names that I can recall and have talked to. Shaun and Seng onwards are kinda like tradition so it goes without saying.
I’m worried that all the old school friends are starting to grow apart. And it really pisses me off when people acknowledge it but fail to do anything about it. As if all the years that we spent together in school or wherever mean nothing. I mean, I hope to have long lasting friends and I understand that although we may lack the coolness of Uni or College friends but give us a chance. What ever happened to friends forever (stupid cliché)? But u know the concept is good.
The Boy. Who’s nickname now streams from ScaryGoRound. I think it’s appropriate. Descriptive yet vague. Good to keep private things private and yet enough to acknowledge his presence. Anyway, I’ve been having some rather destructive relationship thoughts and with the ban on talking to Lea, I’ve been more erratic than a yo-yo. Seriously. This is what I go thru on a daily basis...
If I haven’t heard from him in a while I start to doubt how he feels and wonder if it’s worth it.
I think: I don’t think he likes me as much as I do or as he did.
My inner voice: He does. You’re just trying to think bad thoughts.
I reply: But the fact that there are bad thoughts is a bad sign.
But: No one is perfect. Focus on the positive.
Me: But, but, it’s like he’s not trying.
The other Me: He’s trying, ok. You’re just not seeing how. Relationships aren’t what you think.
Me: But the other one was nicer.
Myself: The other one dumped your ass. Forget him. This one’s a keeper.
And I: I guess. I’m just not sure sure. I mean, I’m going to UK in Sept. Can I trust him to be alone for 9 months?
Right Brain: Yes. You have to at least trust him. You owe him that much. He’s giving up 9 months too.
Left Brain: Ok, that makes sense.
Something like that but it ultimately ends with me being convinced its worth staying around. Which I guess is good, but I feel the whole internal argument is a waste of time and energy.
This whole issue would be a lot more precise and more edgy if I were not chatting with him right now. *cheesy grin*.
Plus, I bought him the Prison Break – Season 1 DVD set (well, shared with Ezati) so I might as well let him watch that before I do anything drastic. AND he’s got my Bluetooth receiver hostage. Btw, anyone got Prison Break – Season 2?
Btw, SheWhoShouldNotBeNamed! I need to discuss certain personal issues with you. Heh. Sorry Lea, Personal experience beats all.
edit: I took the name out cos... its a bit personal.
And just for the record, I have not had sex. Yet. Honestly, looking forward to it. But I will promise to be sensible about it. He may be horny, but he’s rather patient with this. Plus, popping it will be messy I hear.
And my policy on personal questions is: You can ask anything – I may or may not answer. Mwahaha.
* * *
I had a nightmare that he found this blog. And I got so screwed…
Friday, April 20, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Law Department, or Musical in the making?
At times like these, I really do love my Law Department...
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Exam Stress is killing me. Slowly. Yeah, like the song.
Would it be ethical to dump someone cos they were stupid?
He’s not retarded stupid, but let’s say… he’s not the brightest spark. I reckon he’s got potential, just (admittedly) lazy.
Nah, not gonna dump him cos of that. That would be stupid in itself. And rude. And so uncalled for. Just a thought.
* * *
Emotional blackmail. Which is what Lea is worried I’m getting lured into.
Ok, seen the trap. I haven’t figured out how to disarm it yet, but I’m side stepping it for now.
(I use a hell of a lot of analogies in this blog…)
So unless he delivers an ultimatum, I’m not going to address the *ehem* issue. And if said ultimatum does come, he can kiss my ass. I’m not going to be trampled on.
* * *
At what point is it ok to lend your money to your boyfriend?
Some factors to consider:
- How long you have known each other
- How much is lent
- When are you going to get it back?
- What is the likelihood of getting it back?
- How much do you trust them (in using it for what he says he is going to use it for)?
And all that goes out the window once they turn on the charm and put the puppy dog eyes out. Glad that hasn’t happened to me. And cross my fingers that it won’t ever.
* * *
And curse the person who created exams.
But the feeling after you get great results is awesome tho.
* * *
And please note, I'm not being heartless that I don't care that he needs money. I just think that if I empathize too much - as Ihave a tendency of doing - I will end up doing something I know i will regret.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
PORN PORN PORN... omg i did not just say that.
I dunno if I can write this down.
Part of me just wants to not think about it and the other part needs to cry out and go “WHY?”
So no comments please, not on this post or any others (no comment-jumping).
This post is about porn so if you’re not really up to stomach it, I’m warning you now.
The story starts quite simply enough.
Question: If a guy gives you porn, and you watch it, does that make you an idiot? Because you did what he wanted?
I mean, if the only reason you watched it was cos he sed “Watch it.” For, um, educational purposes. And yeah he is rather a sex-mad nut but anyway, whatever.
And it’s not really about the porn, or the fact that he put in on my computer. It’s just a video file and if any of you have never watched porn, I suggest you should. It’s rather like watching a person jump off a building – there’s some morbid fascination with it – cept with porn the fascination isn’t morbid, it’s something else. I don’t know the word for it.
You get to thinking, especially if you’ve never done it before, “wow, is it really as fun as it looks?” and good porn people will make it look fun. If it looks like it hurts, then they aren’t really selling the sex, are they?
Well the issue here with me is…
Bloody hell. I’m no way gonna be that good at it. Not at first anyway. And I don’t think I can live up to that video. I mean, she’s a pro (the woman in the vid). Damn.
This coming from a girl who’s never done it, and is dating a guy who has SO done it before. So basically there are issues of “I’m so not gonna live up to expectations/standards”.
And right now I’m envying those ppl in relationships where you don’t have to deal with shit like this. It really screws with your head.
So yes, this is something I have to talk with him post-Wednesday. This is slightly more a sensitive thing so this is definitely a post-exam thing.
I accidentally let slip about the thing I was sppsed to hold on to (ala prev post topic) yesterday and he was ok, if rather cocky, about it. Ah well, as long as he knows, and he turned it into a sweet kinda thing. Don’t really rmbr what he said, but it was a rather surprising turn of events. Anyway, that’s over with. And now there’s the new thing. Always something to discuss! Whee!
* * *
With all this in-head drama, I forget that I have a life outside this Boy and all the issues.
*
I’m playing netball for SFX! Every Saturday at 8am is practice at the Catholic High School. It’s fun! Like omg, middle aged people play! And there are a few teenagers but the older women take charge. And it’s slightly frustrating – they hardly know the rules! I felt like pulling my hair out after practice. I mean: obstruction, contact, footwork – the three basic rules of netball! And they only knew some of the infringements. Sigh. Well, I didn’t say anything last week cos it was my first time there, but I hope that they get the whole rule thing together soon.
The PJ District Games are in June so they are practicing for that. So yay! Netball! More netball!
Always enjoy an opportunity to run amok.
*
Exams are nearing! First week of May. Oh joy. Wish me luck! And hope I don’t get sick! Or in a fight! Or something like that!
*
Is the book “Crime and Punishment” good? I bought it in MPH for RM8.50. The blurb sounds interesting but I haven’t had a chance to sit down and absorb it’s greatness yet.
SO looking forward to post-exam FUN.
Speaking of which, here are a list of things I wanna do post-exams:
And for those of you assholes who like bugging me about getting my license (my Boy included), even if I did have my license, I wouldn’t have a car to drive anyway. We only have one car and my parents use it. That’s my story; I’m sticking with it – so STOP ASKING.
Part of me just wants to not think about it and the other part needs to cry out and go “WHY?”
So no comments please, not on this post or any others (no comment-jumping).
This post is about porn so if you’re not really up to stomach it, I’m warning you now.
The story starts quite simply enough.
Question: If a guy gives you porn, and you watch it, does that make you an idiot? Because you did what he wanted?
I mean, if the only reason you watched it was cos he sed “Watch it.” For, um, educational purposes. And yeah he is rather a sex-mad nut but anyway, whatever.
And it’s not really about the porn, or the fact that he put in on my computer. It’s just a video file and if any of you have never watched porn, I suggest you should. It’s rather like watching a person jump off a building – there’s some morbid fascination with it – cept with porn the fascination isn’t morbid, it’s something else. I don’t know the word for it.
You get to thinking, especially if you’ve never done it before, “wow, is it really as fun as it looks?” and good porn people will make it look fun. If it looks like it hurts, then they aren’t really selling the sex, are they?
Well the issue here with me is…
Bloody hell. I’m no way gonna be that good at it. Not at first anyway. And I don’t think I can live up to that video. I mean, she’s a pro (the woman in the vid). Damn.
This coming from a girl who’s never done it, and is dating a guy who has SO done it before. So basically there are issues of “I’m so not gonna live up to expectations/standards”.
And right now I’m envying those ppl in relationships where you don’t have to deal with shit like this. It really screws with your head.
So yes, this is something I have to talk with him post-Wednesday. This is slightly more a sensitive thing so this is definitely a post-exam thing.
I accidentally let slip about the thing I was sppsed to hold on to (ala prev post topic) yesterday and he was ok, if rather cocky, about it. Ah well, as long as he knows, and he turned it into a sweet kinda thing. Don’t really rmbr what he said, but it was a rather surprising turn of events. Anyway, that’s over with. And now there’s the new thing. Always something to discuss! Whee!
* * *
With all this in-head drama, I forget that I have a life outside this Boy and all the issues.
*
I’m playing netball for SFX! Every Saturday at 8am is practice at the Catholic High School. It’s fun! Like omg, middle aged people play! And there are a few teenagers but the older women take charge. And it’s slightly frustrating – they hardly know the rules! I felt like pulling my hair out after practice. I mean: obstruction, contact, footwork – the three basic rules of netball! And they only knew some of the infringements. Sigh. Well, I didn’t say anything last week cos it was my first time there, but I hope that they get the whole rule thing together soon.
The PJ District Games are in June so they are practicing for that. So yay! Netball! More netball!
Always enjoy an opportunity to run amok.
*
Exams are nearing! First week of May. Oh joy. Wish me luck! And hope I don’t get sick! Or in a fight! Or something like that!
*
Is the book “Crime and Punishment” good? I bought it in MPH for RM8.50. The blurb sounds interesting but I haven’t had a chance to sit down and absorb it’s greatness yet.
SO looking forward to post-exam FUN.
Speaking of which, here are a list of things I wanna do post-exams:
- Lots of hanging out with my Boy
- Lots of hanging out with friends
- Clubbing (pref with my Boy)
- Go to Shaun’s estate!
- Go on a non-parent holiday (also pref with my Boy or friends) – like to a beach or something
- Read Crime and Punishment
- Finally go to Sunway Lagoon again
And for those of you assholes who like bugging me about getting my license (my Boy included), even if I did have my license, I wouldn’t have a car to drive anyway. We only have one car and my parents use it. That’s my story; I’m sticking with it – so STOP ASKING.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
That stinking feeling
This is bad. This is very bad.
Self-induced badness sucks.
There is nothing wrong that he is aware of. There is nothing outwardly wrong. It’s all me. I take full blame for this.
So what is the problem, you ask?
The problem is I feel nothing. Or close to nothing. Or something that is not really what it should be.
Kinda like: I know I should like him. I do sorta. We are not stable yet obviously. But I think by now I should feel like there is some potential to feel that.
I was thinking, if I don’t feel stable enough by post-exam, then I can't take this to the UK, even if he wants to. I just wouldn’t feel secure enough.
I feel sick to my stomach now.
I have to and will talk to him about this and how it can be fixed. A simple discussion is enough to resolve this – I’m pretty certain. But then again, it might all go horribly wrong. The last time I tried resolving this with a Boy it went all kinds of crazy and I was the one who suffered.
I want this thing to last; because I know we can last this but the issue has to be pushed. We don’t have enough time around each other and with September looming, all this emotional baggage has to be dumped out. Um, slowly tho.
There is, I think, one main thing that he does that I don’t think he knows how bad it hits me. He likes to “disturb me” in the sense that he’ll say something – and I know very well he is joking – just to see what I’ll say and how I’ll react and all and it’s all a big laugh when he’ll switch back and contradict himself later on. Mainly what he bugs me on is that he’ll say something about going out with another girl and blahblahblah. Don’t panic, he’s kidding. I know he is kidding. Trust me. And I would say something and something. And it’s like usual.
However, there is a niggling issue – that sort of, rots inside. I can’t stand the thought of being cheated on. Mainly thanks to past experience (if you can count that as cheating – I kinda do) it’s like a constant worry, because I don’t think I could take it if that happened to me again. I’ve told him the ultimatum and he knows I’m serious but he doesn’t know how hurt I would be. Think, 100% first degree burns – on the inside. Radiation poisoning and so on and so forth. The thought of it makes me sick.
I’ll talk to him after Wednesday. I may feel awful now but he’s got finals and this can wait. And if things do go all down the drain, it wouldn’t be my exams that suffer – cos it was my fault, right? So if I initiated things, it wouldn't be as distracting to me. I can try and compartmentalise for now.
And in conjunction with that, there are other past things that I have to suck up and deal with too. Like: I’m tempted to have a serious, emotional conversation – sounds boring to me, but I think it has to be done, or something – but the last time I tried that (over msn, mind you) I got dumped. Well, we were never together, but it was bad news. So, fear must be overcome.
There is that whole thing that all guys are the same. And I’m resting on that.
Is it too much to ask him to show me how much he likes me? Not even show; how about just telling? Cos right now I don’t know if I’m a 3 or an 8 on his list and I can tell you, it’s a pretty long list. 10 being tops btw. And the whole problem is, if I ask him, and he says tops, can I trust the answer? Even if I do trust the answer, I may think back o it and doubt it. It has to come from the heart – which means no prompts from me. Sigh. Stupid. I should just ask, huh?
Edit: I was just thinking, if i have to ask"Is it too much to ask...", it usually is, isn't it? (rhetorical question btw)
I reiterate what I have said before (I think, or said to Lea, I can’t remember): I am relationship retarded. There should be a font bigger than "Largest".
* * *
Oh and I have thought of another reason why he doesn’t want his parents to know (I thought this up a while back, but I kept forgetting):
In case I call the house and they pick up and they let slip that I’m one of many or something like that.
Rather possible if I were completely cynical and totally untrusting. I’m getting there tho! All you relationship cynics must be so proud.
* * *
How do you deal with separation? I mean, I’m worrying my ass off because I haven’t seen him (properly) for… well since Wednesday, so you do the math (4 days). I know what he’s up to and I’m not worried about him stepping out on me, but there’s that whole “missing him” thing. I do, I know I do, I know he does, and yet… can’t he at least say it? Or better yet, I should just keep thinking “he misses me!” and all will be fine and dandy.
Ladies, if you have any clueless men in your lives, make them read this blog, I will take them so far into the female psyche, they may never look at a woman as sane again. I mean, I’m perfectly functional in the normal sense – but when in relationships, all hell breaks loose up there. It sucks ass.
I just want to see him and talk to him. I don’t know guys. I know guys as friends and they are easy to understand. And you don’t really care so much what they think. I can’t treat this one like that because we aren’t just friends and we never were. And if we do spilt (I can’t help but keep self preservation switch on) we won’t be. I’m friends with my so-called exes, but not by choice. It’s hard. Totally hard, because when you think of them in that way, it’s difficult to go back to being friends, and it’ll be harder if you never were that before. The line that you cross from being friends to more is quite a step, but at least there is a line. What if you started out on the other side, how do you step out?
Anyway, I’m really not in the mood to think about breaking up. Tho in a sense, sometimes I just want to tell him, can we just be FWB (Friends With Benefits)? Tho I would make a shitty FWB – I’m such a noob. Just, sort of like what we are now, minus the emotion.
Emotions suck. It’s like being stuck in a tumble dryer and then expected to function normally.
So to sum it up, we will talk. But after Wednesday.
* * *
I think all this is, is I want him to know about where I'm coming from. Then at least if he knows, and knows what I'm feeling - he doesn't have to do anything - then I'll feel better.
Self-induced badness sucks.
There is nothing wrong that he is aware of. There is nothing outwardly wrong. It’s all me. I take full blame for this.
So what is the problem, you ask?
The problem is I feel nothing. Or close to nothing. Or something that is not really what it should be.
Kinda like: I know I should like him. I do sorta. We are not stable yet obviously. But I think by now I should feel like there is some potential to feel that.
I was thinking, if I don’t feel stable enough by post-exam, then I can't take this to the UK, even if he wants to. I just wouldn’t feel secure enough.
I feel sick to my stomach now.
I have to and will talk to him about this and how it can be fixed. A simple discussion is enough to resolve this – I’m pretty certain. But then again, it might all go horribly wrong. The last time I tried resolving this with a Boy it went all kinds of crazy and I was the one who suffered.
I want this thing to last; because I know we can last this but the issue has to be pushed. We don’t have enough time around each other and with September looming, all this emotional baggage has to be dumped out. Um, slowly tho.
There is, I think, one main thing that he does that I don’t think he knows how bad it hits me. He likes to “disturb me” in the sense that he’ll say something – and I know very well he is joking – just to see what I’ll say and how I’ll react and all and it’s all a big laugh when he’ll switch back and contradict himself later on. Mainly what he bugs me on is that he’ll say something about going out with another girl and blahblahblah. Don’t panic, he’s kidding. I know he is kidding. Trust me. And I would say something and something. And it’s like usual.
However, there is a niggling issue – that sort of, rots inside. I can’t stand the thought of being cheated on. Mainly thanks to past experience (if you can count that as cheating – I kinda do) it’s like a constant worry, because I don’t think I could take it if that happened to me again. I’ve told him the ultimatum and he knows I’m serious but he doesn’t know how hurt I would be. Think, 100% first degree burns – on the inside. Radiation poisoning and so on and so forth. The thought of it makes me sick.
I’ll talk to him after Wednesday. I may feel awful now but he’s got finals and this can wait. And if things do go all down the drain, it wouldn’t be my exams that suffer – cos it was my fault, right? So if I initiated things, it wouldn't be as distracting to me. I can try and compartmentalise for now.
And in conjunction with that, there are other past things that I have to suck up and deal with too. Like: I’m tempted to have a serious, emotional conversation – sounds boring to me, but I think it has to be done, or something – but the last time I tried that (over msn, mind you) I got dumped. Well, we were never together, but it was bad news. So, fear must be overcome.
There is that whole thing that all guys are the same. And I’m resting on that.
Is it too much to ask him to show me how much he likes me? Not even show; how about just telling? Cos right now I don’t know if I’m a 3 or an 8 on his list and I can tell you, it’s a pretty long list. 10 being tops btw. And the whole problem is, if I ask him, and he says tops, can I trust the answer? Even if I do trust the answer, I may think back o it and doubt it. It has to come from the heart – which means no prompts from me. Sigh. Stupid. I should just ask, huh?
Edit: I was just thinking, if i have to ask"Is it too much to ask...", it usually is, isn't it? (rhetorical question btw)
I reiterate what I have said before (I think, or said to Lea, I can’t remember): I am relationship retarded. There should be a font bigger than "Largest".
* * *
Oh and I have thought of another reason why he doesn’t want his parents to know (I thought this up a while back, but I kept forgetting):
In case I call the house and they pick up and they let slip that I’m one of many or something like that.
Rather possible if I were completely cynical and totally untrusting. I’m getting there tho! All you relationship cynics must be so proud.
* * *
How do you deal with separation? I mean, I’m worrying my ass off because I haven’t seen him (properly) for… well since Wednesday, so you do the math (4 days). I know what he’s up to and I’m not worried about him stepping out on me, but there’s that whole “missing him” thing. I do, I know I do, I know he does, and yet… can’t he at least say it? Or better yet, I should just keep thinking “he misses me!” and all will be fine and dandy.
Ladies, if you have any clueless men in your lives, make them read this blog, I will take them so far into the female psyche, they may never look at a woman as sane again. I mean, I’m perfectly functional in the normal sense – but when in relationships, all hell breaks loose up there. It sucks ass.
I just want to see him and talk to him. I don’t know guys. I know guys as friends and they are easy to understand. And you don’t really care so much what they think. I can’t treat this one like that because we aren’t just friends and we never were. And if we do spilt (I can’t help but keep self preservation switch on) we won’t be. I’m friends with my so-called exes, but not by choice. It’s hard. Totally hard, because when you think of them in that way, it’s difficult to go back to being friends, and it’ll be harder if you never were that before. The line that you cross from being friends to more is quite a step, but at least there is a line. What if you started out on the other side, how do you step out?
Anyway, I’m really not in the mood to think about breaking up. Tho in a sense, sometimes I just want to tell him, can we just be FWB (Friends With Benefits)? Tho I would make a shitty FWB – I’m such a noob. Just, sort of like what we are now, minus the emotion.
Emotions suck. It’s like being stuck in a tumble dryer and then expected to function normally.
So to sum it up, we will talk. But after Wednesday.
* * *
I think all this is, is I want him to know about where I'm coming from. Then at least if he knows, and knows what I'm feeling - he doesn't have to do anything - then I'll feel better.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
I wanna get off the mood swing - it's making me dizzy
I’m getting all moody again. But at least this time I caught it in time.
We are progressing alright – I’m getting used to it. It’s still all very new and there’s like so much to learn. You think it’s easy and you see other people doing ok – but it’s really not! It’s hard! It’s complicated!
Anyway, enough about that.
I was all moody after cos I was scared he would be sad and all. I mean, I know that I couldn’t make it but put it down to timing.
So he was going to the gym after and I asked him to tell me when he was done – and this time I knew why I was worried so there would be no issue. He called up (after I found out my phone had been misfiring or something) and I asked if everything was ok and stuff and he was all reassuring and all. He even confided in issues with me! Score!
I sometimes think that it’s too uncanny that he knows what to say at exactly the right time. He knows females too well… he’s told me he’s learned from all his ex-gf’s and all. But I never thought he’d be this fluent in female. It’s comforting, yet slightly worrying, know what I mean? Kinda like I like that "he knows how I feel” yet I feel that he is just saying it to keep me sane.
So with that, I think I may be over the whole trust issue. That is, I don’t really trust him as much as I trusted the others. Probably because I don’t know him as well as I knew the other guys. I mean, in my terms, we’re going forward pretty quickly. And it’s rather uncomfortable (ok, maybe not uncomfortable – strange, different?) that he never started out as a mutual friend. It was straight from valentines to dating to actually going out. Nothing before. We have no history. And I have no idea what he’s like cept from what he’s told me and what his friends have said.
So ok, it doesn’t help that I think I’m on my period now and thinking this but I’ve acknowledged the moodiness and now I can deal with it properly, i.e. by blogging it out. The cramps have been replaced by a dull aching. Like a really full stomach – I think I’m bloating.
Oh, and this is perfect timing (at least this is) because I won’t be seeing him till next Wednesday or Thursday because he’s got Finals on Saturday and next Wednesday so he’s holing himself away from me for over a week. Which is also perfect for me because I have classes on both Thursdays (yeap, they are back – Thanks a bunch Vijaya) and a viva next Friday at 10am.
What he said: “What time’s your class on Thursday end?”
It’s become common place for me but I should think of the effort he’s putting up.
I forgot to ask if his classes end after his finals…
* * *
With remembrance to the post where I briefly mentioned that he doesn’t want his uni friends and parents to know that we are dating. Here is the rundown:
Friends in uni – not all of them don’t know. His close one’s know. The rest of them he doesn’t want them to know because he doesn’t want to make a fuss over it and he’s pretty sure they will tease him if they find out. Just because of who he is. I hope it’s got nothing to do with me.
Parents – they don’t want their precious boy to have a other half because they are worried (his words) “that if he has a fight with her, he will do badly in his exams.” Maybe I should egg him to tell them after finals. I wonder what excuse he’ll come up with then.
Anyway, I was also (in my head) wondering what other reasons there could be for keeping mum on us (so to speak):
1. He’s embarrassed / ashamed of me
2. He’s worried people will tell me nasty things about him – true and false stories
3. He doesn’t want so many people to know so after he dumps me he doesn’t have to deal with / tell so many people.
1. Not so much an issue because he’s very handsy (read: grabby) when we go out to like malls and all.
2. Is partially true. I so do want to hear those stories. But how bad can they be? I mean, my head’s already whirring with imagined stories.
3. it’s something I think of time to time. And it’s what think is most likely if the reasons he told me aren’t true. If so, sucks for me. And I think the upside to that is that at least I’m prepared for it. And I can tell myself I told you so in the future. You go, future-me!
So yes, I now have trust issues. Please fix me.
I don’t want to make this an issue for him to deal with until it becomes a big issue. It’s fixable, I just don’t want to freak him out with a gag order – “you cannot and must not joke around about leaving me and/or running off with someone else. It’s so not funny ok.” I would sound way too anal. If I expect him to take a joke, I should be able to take some too. Get a grip girl.
I want to trust him, but thanks to paranoia and mood swings (those I can handle) and a hyperactive imagination, I’m left sprawling in the dust. And I know, until I can get a hold of this stupid paranoia and rein it in – manic blogging like this are part of the control mechanism – I’ll never be able to fully trust him. I’ll be an insecure wreck (inside at least). And the crappy thing is that he knows how to push all my buttons to make me scared and insecure and worried. I have yet to find his. I know of one way to irritate the hell out of him, but I wouldn’t go so far as to make him really worried about it. And if I don’t do it to him, why does he do it to me? I should be strong enough to brush off his dumb jokes, but it’s annoying that I have to constantly keep saying “no, you are mine. No, you cannot do that.” But surprisingly, when I get fed up with playing, and just say “go for it” he gets slightly upset and is like “how can you say that, you’re my girlfriend?!” like I’m actually being serious. If he’s the one testing me, is he the one who’s actually insecure? It sometimes feels like it, tho I know he would never admit to it. Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking…
We are progressing alright – I’m getting used to it. It’s still all very new and there’s like so much to learn. You think it’s easy and you see other people doing ok – but it’s really not! It’s hard! It’s complicated!
Anyway, enough about that.
I was all moody after cos I was scared he would be sad and all. I mean, I know that I couldn’t make it but put it down to timing.
So he was going to the gym after and I asked him to tell me when he was done – and this time I knew why I was worried so there would be no issue. He called up (after I found out my phone had been misfiring or something) and I asked if everything was ok and stuff and he was all reassuring and all. He even confided in issues with me! Score!
I sometimes think that it’s too uncanny that he knows what to say at exactly the right time. He knows females too well… he’s told me he’s learned from all his ex-gf’s and all. But I never thought he’d be this fluent in female. It’s comforting, yet slightly worrying, know what I mean? Kinda like I like that "he knows how I feel” yet I feel that he is just saying it to keep me sane.
So with that, I think I may be over the whole trust issue. That is, I don’t really trust him as much as I trusted the others. Probably because I don’t know him as well as I knew the other guys. I mean, in my terms, we’re going forward pretty quickly. And it’s rather uncomfortable (ok, maybe not uncomfortable – strange, different?) that he never started out as a mutual friend. It was straight from valentines to dating to actually going out. Nothing before. We have no history. And I have no idea what he’s like cept from what he’s told me and what his friends have said.
So ok, it doesn’t help that I think I’m on my period now and thinking this but I’ve acknowledged the moodiness and now I can deal with it properly, i.e. by blogging it out. The cramps have been replaced by a dull aching. Like a really full stomach – I think I’m bloating.
Oh, and this is perfect timing (at least this is) because I won’t be seeing him till next Wednesday or Thursday because he’s got Finals on Saturday and next Wednesday so he’s holing himself away from me for over a week. Which is also perfect for me because I have classes on both Thursdays (yeap, they are back – Thanks a bunch Vijaya) and a viva next Friday at 10am.
What he said: “What time’s your class on Thursday end?”
It’s become common place for me but I should think of the effort he’s putting up.
I forgot to ask if his classes end after his finals…
* * *
With remembrance to the post where I briefly mentioned that he doesn’t want his uni friends and parents to know that we are dating. Here is the rundown:
Friends in uni – not all of them don’t know. His close one’s know. The rest of them he doesn’t want them to know because he doesn’t want to make a fuss over it and he’s pretty sure they will tease him if they find out. Just because of who he is. I hope it’s got nothing to do with me.
Parents – they don’t want their precious boy to have a other half because they are worried (his words) “that if he has a fight with her, he will do badly in his exams.” Maybe I should egg him to tell them after finals. I wonder what excuse he’ll come up with then.
Anyway, I was also (in my head) wondering what other reasons there could be for keeping mum on us (so to speak):
1. He’s embarrassed / ashamed of me
2. He’s worried people will tell me nasty things about him – true and false stories
3. He doesn’t want so many people to know so after he dumps me he doesn’t have to deal with / tell so many people.
1. Not so much an issue because he’s very handsy (read: grabby) when we go out to like malls and all.
2. Is partially true. I so do want to hear those stories. But how bad can they be? I mean, my head’s already whirring with imagined stories.
3. it’s something I think of time to time. And it’s what think is most likely if the reasons he told me aren’t true. If so, sucks for me. And I think the upside to that is that at least I’m prepared for it. And I can tell myself I told you so in the future. You go, future-me!
So yes, I now have trust issues. Please fix me.
I don’t want to make this an issue for him to deal with until it becomes a big issue. It’s fixable, I just don’t want to freak him out with a gag order – “you cannot and must not joke around about leaving me and/or running off with someone else. It’s so not funny ok.” I would sound way too anal. If I expect him to take a joke, I should be able to take some too. Get a grip girl.
I want to trust him, but thanks to paranoia and mood swings (those I can handle) and a hyperactive imagination, I’m left sprawling in the dust. And I know, until I can get a hold of this stupid paranoia and rein it in – manic blogging like this are part of the control mechanism – I’ll never be able to fully trust him. I’ll be an insecure wreck (inside at least). And the crappy thing is that he knows how to push all my buttons to make me scared and insecure and worried. I have yet to find his. I know of one way to irritate the hell out of him, but I wouldn’t go so far as to make him really worried about it. And if I don’t do it to him, why does he do it to me? I should be strong enough to brush off his dumb jokes, but it’s annoying that I have to constantly keep saying “no, you are mine. No, you cannot do that.” But surprisingly, when I get fed up with playing, and just say “go for it” he gets slightly upset and is like “how can you say that, you’re my girlfriend?!” like I’m actually being serious. If he’s the one testing me, is he the one who’s actually insecure? It sometimes feels like it, tho I know he would never admit to it. Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking…
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Fight? No fight? Fight...
No fights as of late. After having 2 in a row, I think we’ve mutually agreed how this thing is gonna work. I never mention what I think of him and he never pushes me to do what I don’t really want to do. Then we are both ok.
So, with that sorted, things are going good. Smooth sailing and stuff. The poor thing is sick with the flu at the moment and he has a test tomorrow morning. Law ball is tomorrow night but he’s not going because: 1) He has no formal wear, and 2) There were no more seats. Both lame excuses but he’s been sickly lately so even if, it wouldn’t be really too fun for him.
Anyway, I told him, as with all these grand ball dance function things, after the dinner, they don’t really mind who goes in, and I know most of the people in charge, so it’ll be no worries if he came round after dinner. He was a bit – ok, quite – reluctant to confirm. I do really wanna see him tomorrow. Only if he’s feeling better tho. Would feel awful if he dragged himself out for me.
I have the most awesome dress. It’s a soft halter low-back dress. Dark turquoise and black. I say low-back because the back falls just lower than my bra-line, which means I can’t wear a bra. It’s either tape or those cup things. I’m heading to MidValley to buy the boob thing and get make-up done. Maybe get hair done too. Then off to Westin to get dressed in Ally’s room. Thanks Ally! I’ll probably help out and end up ushering people in. It’s the least I could do, right?
Probably stash my stuff in Ally’s room so I’ll end up there at the end of the night. Oh well. I’m not staying over so I don’t think I have to spring for the room. I don’t think it would be fair if I did. I mean, I’m not using it to the extent the others are. Well, we’ll see. I actually wanna go to Modestos with Venon and people, but since I have to stick with my stuff, doesn’t seem like I have a choice.
Anyway, I hope he’s doing better.
I keep having nagging questions that he’s doing something behind my back. Or it could be that I’m expecting too much. Either way, I’m still uneasy in this new relationship. That’s what I think this is. We are dating and stuff, and we are a couple couple. But still, there are moments where I doubt him and his commitment. And I know I shouldn’t. If I told you all of the reassurances he’s given me, you’d swoon – unfortunately, I’m crazily cynical about romance nowadays.
* * *
He just called. I have no idea if he’s coherent or not but he refuses to argue with me after bringing up the issue of arguments. Granted he’s sick – but that’s irritating. Now I’m all riled up. Dumb shit.
Memo to self: don’t bring up past arguments. You will never agree till… ever.
* * *
Have I mentioned that he is adamant that his college friends not know? I mean, I get that it's embarassing for people to talk about it, but not humiliating to the point where it's life threatening. Get a grip.
So, with that sorted, things are going good. Smooth sailing and stuff. The poor thing is sick with the flu at the moment and he has a test tomorrow morning. Law ball is tomorrow night but he’s not going because: 1) He has no formal wear, and 2) There were no more seats. Both lame excuses but he’s been sickly lately so even if, it wouldn’t be really too fun for him.
Anyway, I told him, as with all these grand ball dance function things, after the dinner, they don’t really mind who goes in, and I know most of the people in charge, so it’ll be no worries if he came round after dinner. He was a bit – ok, quite – reluctant to confirm. I do really wanna see him tomorrow. Only if he’s feeling better tho. Would feel awful if he dragged himself out for me.
I have the most awesome dress. It’s a soft halter low-back dress. Dark turquoise and black. I say low-back because the back falls just lower than my bra-line, which means I can’t wear a bra. It’s either tape or those cup things. I’m heading to MidValley to buy the boob thing and get make-up done. Maybe get hair done too. Then off to Westin to get dressed in Ally’s room. Thanks Ally! I’ll probably help out and end up ushering people in. It’s the least I could do, right?
Probably stash my stuff in Ally’s room so I’ll end up there at the end of the night. Oh well. I’m not staying over so I don’t think I have to spring for the room. I don’t think it would be fair if I did. I mean, I’m not using it to the extent the others are. Well, we’ll see. I actually wanna go to Modestos with Venon and people, but since I have to stick with my stuff, doesn’t seem like I have a choice.
Anyway, I hope he’s doing better.
I keep having nagging questions that he’s doing something behind my back. Or it could be that I’m expecting too much. Either way, I’m still uneasy in this new relationship. That’s what I think this is. We are dating and stuff, and we are a couple couple. But still, there are moments where I doubt him and his commitment. And I know I shouldn’t. If I told you all of the reassurances he’s given me, you’d swoon – unfortunately, I’m crazily cynical about romance nowadays.
* * *
He just called. I have no idea if he’s coherent or not but he refuses to argue with me after bringing up the issue of arguments. Granted he’s sick – but that’s irritating. Now I’m all riled up. Dumb shit.
Memo to self: don’t bring up past arguments. You will never agree till… ever.
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Have I mentioned that he is adamant that his college friends not know? I mean, I get that it's embarassing for people to talk about it, but not humiliating to the point where it's life threatening. Get a grip.
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