No fights as of late. After having 2 in a row, I think we’ve mutually agreed how this thing is gonna work. I never mention what I think of him and he never pushes me to do what I don’t really want to do. Then we are both ok.
So, with that sorted, things are going good. Smooth sailing and stuff. The poor thing is sick with the flu at the moment and he has a test tomorrow morning. Law ball is tomorrow night but he’s not going because: 1) He has no formal wear, and 2) There were no more seats. Both lame excuses but he’s been sickly lately so even if, it wouldn’t be really too fun for him.
Anyway, I told him, as with all these grand ball dance function things, after the dinner, they don’t really mind who goes in, and I know most of the people in charge, so it’ll be no worries if he came round after dinner. He was a bit – ok, quite – reluctant to confirm. I do really wanna see him tomorrow. Only if he’s feeling better tho. Would feel awful if he dragged himself out for me.
I have the most awesome dress. It’s a soft halter low-back dress. Dark turquoise and black. I say low-back because the back falls just lower than my bra-line, which means I can’t wear a bra. It’s either tape or those cup things. I’m heading to MidValley to buy the boob thing and get make-up done. Maybe get hair done too. Then off to Westin to get dressed in Ally’s room. Thanks Ally! I’ll probably help out and end up ushering people in. It’s the least I could do, right?
Probably stash my stuff in Ally’s room so I’ll end up there at the end of the night. Oh well. I’m not staying over so I don’t think I have to spring for the room. I don’t think it would be fair if I did. I mean, I’m not using it to the extent the others are. Well, we’ll see. I actually wanna go to Modestos with Venon and people, but since I have to stick with my stuff, doesn’t seem like I have a choice.
Anyway, I hope he’s doing better.
I keep having nagging questions that he’s doing something behind my back. Or it could be that I’m expecting too much. Either way, I’m still uneasy in this new relationship. That’s what I think this is. We are dating and stuff, and we are a couple couple. But still, there are moments where I doubt him and his commitment. And I know I shouldn’t. If I told you all of the reassurances he’s given me, you’d swoon – unfortunately, I’m crazily cynical about romance nowadays.
* * *
He just called. I have no idea if he’s coherent or not but he refuses to argue with me after bringing up the issue of arguments. Granted he’s sick – but that’s irritating. Now I’m all riled up. Dumb shit.
Memo to self: don’t bring up past arguments. You will never agree till… ever.
* * *
Have I mentioned that he is adamant that his college friends not know? I mean, I get that it's embarassing for people to talk about it, but not humiliating to the point where it's life threatening. Get a grip.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Short-lived, doesn't-really-count kinda thing
I think we had our first fight. Hard to tell cos it didn’t really last that long. Well, there was a long spell of silence on both our parts but he was a bit sore the whole thing.
It’s kinda like a three part miniseries. There were the offending words and the subsequent silence, the attempted reconciliation, then the make up bit.
The offending words were some small joking phrases that I said to him that really hit a nerve. He’s told me before that it really annoyed him, but I guess I forgot. To be honest, I really can’t see the big deal about it. He takes it as if I mean every word with malice and that I look at him in that way. And I don’t, I’m joking. Totally joking. I mean, for those of you who know me, I’m like a total goof, right? He can’t tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious – which is a big problem.
Anyway, the ensuing silence was uncomfortable to say the least. You all know how uncomfortable silences are like. And it’s worse when you don’t know the person well enough to know what they are likely to do and when you care what that person thinks.
I tried to reason without sounding too defensive, but I think I ended up sounding defensive anyway. Well I don’t know if my entreaties worked, but things seem patched up thanks to the next bit…
The make up bit is the usual – how you get guys to forgive you. And at this point I’m feeling pretty shitty so I’m really not up for anything. And he’s the one trying to start it. So I know it’s my fault and I know I have yet to apologise for goodness-knows-what I’ve done. I still don’t think it’s that serious.
Anyway, note to self: don’t ever insinuate, jokingly or otherwise, that he is a horny, sex-crazed pervert who is out to rape me.
It’s kinda like a three part miniseries. There were the offending words and the subsequent silence, the attempted reconciliation, then the make up bit.
The offending words were some small joking phrases that I said to him that really hit a nerve. He’s told me before that it really annoyed him, but I guess I forgot. To be honest, I really can’t see the big deal about it. He takes it as if I mean every word with malice and that I look at him in that way. And I don’t, I’m joking. Totally joking. I mean, for those of you who know me, I’m like a total goof, right? He can’t tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious – which is a big problem.
Anyway, the ensuing silence was uncomfortable to say the least. You all know how uncomfortable silences are like. And it’s worse when you don’t know the person well enough to know what they are likely to do and when you care what that person thinks.
I tried to reason without sounding too defensive, but I think I ended up sounding defensive anyway. Well I don’t know if my entreaties worked, but things seem patched up thanks to the next bit…
The make up bit is the usual – how you get guys to forgive you. And at this point I’m feeling pretty shitty so I’m really not up for anything. And he’s the one trying to start it. So I know it’s my fault and I know I have yet to apologise for goodness-knows-what I’ve done. I still don’t think it’s that serious.
Anyway, note to self: don’t ever insinuate, jokingly or otherwise, that he is a horny, sex-crazed pervert who is out to rape me.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Triumph 1 - Disasters 0
I am no longer afraid. Mwahaha. And I have found out that I am quite addictive. Cool…
I did it! I so totally did it! Minor triumph – but I’m so relieved. It’s not what it sounds like, really – I’m not that horny.
Anyway, after the triumph comes a bit of sad news. I have been told that I can’t tell all this stuff that I’ve been telling to you, to you. If that makes sense…
Anyway, I’m still gonna blog abt the same stuff, with perhaps a thin filter which will delete the mushy details. It may make me hurl later on, if you get my drift - so perhaps this is all for the best.
Anyway, with that little triumph comes a big sense of power and accomplishment. Turns out I ain’t bad and that I didn’t have to worry that much. Well, I was a little tentative at first but I guess I got the hang of it. I’m a natural! Or something.
I actually have something he wants. Man that feels good. Mwahahaha. I fear I may go megalomaniacal on this. Just revelling in the moment of triumph. It’s a double whammy!
On a side note, when I tell him things, he actually listens! Like omg! Now I feel bad for not listening to him. But not like I told him to change his whole wardrobe or anything personal like that. Like I told him abt the online thing and he just called to say he wasn’t going online, but going out with Marshal cos he just came over. Like he had to “report to me” – his words. Hope he’s not bitter. It’s not that I want a report or anything; I just don’t like ppl – so to speak – lying. When u say you’re gonna do something, and you’re not gonna do it, courtesy says at least inform the person you’re gonna keep waiting. You know, be polite. And I don’t expect a call. An sms will be fine. That’s not being demanding is it? Erk.
Fine, granted I am late sometimes - and he ribs me on that. But I really try not to. And it’s not like he has a reputation of being on time either. Pfft. This is like I’m arguing with myself.
Oh, today, at the football thing, I saw Ainul. Whom he calls Ainot – for whatever reason. She’s been going out with one of his basketball friends so she’s known him for a while. But all good things to say – with some stuff that I already know.
* * *
So far, no crazy outbursts from disgruntled readers so I guess I’m in the clear.
* * *
We may be on the path to wearing matching t-shirts. And that’s creepy. And very weird. And I will do everything in my power to prevent that from happening. I may never forgive myself if I turn into one of those crazy matching-t-shirt couples. Well, the t-shirt I’m talking about is the one I bought yesterday at Cineleisure. The “F.B.I. Faboulous Body Inside” one. I wore it today just to drive him crazy. I bought it cos I keep seeing the one made for guys that says "F.B.I. Female Body Inspector". At least there is one for girls! And I told him about it and he said “hey! I should get that one! blah blah” and I was thinking, um. That’s cute. I guess. I mean, if we wore it unintentionally, then fine. But thinking abt it, I guess it wouldn’t be as painful as I’d imagine. Just weirdly embarrassing. As long as we’re with a bunch of people who don’t think it’s overly mushy – it’s a gag t-shirt; nothing meant in the way of seriousness.
* * *
I fear the past few posts have been overly explicit. Sigh. I’m wondering how to tell him abt law ball. And how to tell him abt friendster and facebook. Which I have just updated. Without telling him. Oops…?
I did it! I so totally did it! Minor triumph – but I’m so relieved. It’s not what it sounds like, really – I’m not that horny.
Anyway, after the triumph comes a bit of sad news. I have been told that I can’t tell all this stuff that I’ve been telling to you, to you. If that makes sense…
Anyway, I’m still gonna blog abt the same stuff, with perhaps a thin filter which will delete the mushy details. It may make me hurl later on, if you get my drift - so perhaps this is all for the best.
Anyway, with that little triumph comes a big sense of power and accomplishment. Turns out I ain’t bad and that I didn’t have to worry that much. Well, I was a little tentative at first but I guess I got the hang of it. I’m a natural! Or something.
I actually have something he wants. Man that feels good. Mwahahaha. I fear I may go megalomaniacal on this. Just revelling in the moment of triumph. It’s a double whammy!
On a side note, when I tell him things, he actually listens! Like omg! Now I feel bad for not listening to him. But not like I told him to change his whole wardrobe or anything personal like that. Like I told him abt the online thing and he just called to say he wasn’t going online, but going out with Marshal cos he just came over. Like he had to “report to me” – his words. Hope he’s not bitter. It’s not that I want a report or anything; I just don’t like ppl – so to speak – lying. When u say you’re gonna do something, and you’re not gonna do it, courtesy says at least inform the person you’re gonna keep waiting. You know, be polite. And I don’t expect a call. An sms will be fine. That’s not being demanding is it? Erk.
Fine, granted I am late sometimes - and he ribs me on that. But I really try not to. And it’s not like he has a reputation of being on time either. Pfft. This is like I’m arguing with myself.
Oh, today, at the football thing, I saw Ainul. Whom he calls Ainot – for whatever reason. She’s been going out with one of his basketball friends so she’s known him for a while. But all good things to say – with some stuff that I already know.
* * *
So far, no crazy outbursts from disgruntled readers so I guess I’m in the clear.
* * *
We may be on the path to wearing matching t-shirts. And that’s creepy. And very weird. And I will do everything in my power to prevent that from happening. I may never forgive myself if I turn into one of those crazy matching-t-shirt couples. Well, the t-shirt I’m talking about is the one I bought yesterday at Cineleisure. The “F.B.I. Faboulous Body Inside” one. I wore it today just to drive him crazy. I bought it cos I keep seeing the one made for guys that says "F.B.I. Female Body Inspector". At least there is one for girls! And I told him about it and he said “hey! I should get that one! blah blah” and I was thinking, um. That’s cute. I guess. I mean, if we wore it unintentionally, then fine. But thinking abt it, I guess it wouldn’t be as painful as I’d imagine. Just weirdly embarrassing. As long as we’re with a bunch of people who don’t think it’s overly mushy – it’s a gag t-shirt; nothing meant in the way of seriousness.
* * *
I fear the past few posts have been overly explicit. Sigh. I’m wondering how to tell him abt law ball. And how to tell him abt friendster and facebook. Which I have just updated. Without telling him. Oops…?
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Just do what you say you are going to do
Was: Sad, Bored
Because: Just got home from Cineleisure. Was bored because there was nothing to do. Parents were out. Was watching tv. Man Utd game was on. Score was up to 2-0 (yay!). Then parents were back. Had to eat some take-away chicken rice. Wasn’t as satisfying as I’d thought it was. Man Utd game was getting interesting. Periodically waiting on a call from you-know-who, but then decided to fk it and not bother and watch the game instead.
Was: Happy
Because: He called. We talked abt shit. Went online cos of his damn phone connection. [I’ve just realised an eerie déjà vu]
Now: Pissed, Nonchalant
Because: He’s not online. He’s the one that told me to go online. I had to go online anyway, otherwise I would have forgotten to email Michelle. But still quite aggravated. Just miss-called him. Wonder what the hell he’s doing. I hate it when people don’t do what they say they are gonna do. Going to go offline after I post this, or at 12am, whichever is later. He can kiss my ass (no, not really).
* * *
Man Utd won 4-1! 3 goals by half time. I didn’t watch the second half cos of the phone call (fk), but I still think that to give away 1 goal like that is stupid.
* * *
Anyway, going to watch him play football tmr. Still quite… grrr…
Sigh. Probably won't be by tomorrow tho.
Because: Just got home from Cineleisure. Was bored because there was nothing to do. Parents were out. Was watching tv. Man Utd game was on. Score was up to 2-0 (yay!). Then parents were back. Had to eat some take-away chicken rice. Wasn’t as satisfying as I’d thought it was. Man Utd game was getting interesting. Periodically waiting on a call from you-know-who, but then decided to fk it and not bother and watch the game instead.
Was: Happy
Because: He called. We talked abt shit. Went online cos of his damn phone connection. [I’ve just realised an eerie déjà vu]
Now: Pissed, Nonchalant
Because: He’s not online. He’s the one that told me to go online. I had to go online anyway, otherwise I would have forgotten to email Michelle. But still quite aggravated. Just miss-called him. Wonder what the hell he’s doing. I hate it when people don’t do what they say they are gonna do. Going to go offline after I post this, or at 12am, whichever is later. He can kiss my ass (no, not really).
* * *
Man Utd won 4-1! 3 goals by half time. I didn’t watch the second half cos of the phone call (fk), but I still think that to give away 1 goal like that is stupid.
* * *
Anyway, going to watch him play football tmr. Still quite… grrr…
Sigh. Probably won't be by tomorrow tho.
Getting laid... NOT
I don’t know whether I should blog this or not since so many people I know are reading this blog. But I need to get this off my chest so here goes.
I just hope he never finds this blog cos that would spell out HELL for me. Erk.
Go figure but I think I’m too innocent for my own good. Good god, I’m almost 20! I feel like a nun in a brothel. Really. Take for example, yesterday night. First. Hickey. Ever. How sad is that. Actually, I’m relishing the fact that I actually got a hickey so the sad part has yet to hit me.
Anyway, back to the bits that are worryin me…
He is so bloody horny. Like seriously horny. I’m partially flattered and partially a little scared. Flattered cos no one’s tried to get in my pants before. Scared – because no one’s tried to get in my pants before. So it’s safe to say, I’m a little freaked out.
So yeah, I’ve told him to tell me if anything I do is annoying cos I have a tendency not to notice. And one of those things, are my rules. The rules so far (that I’ve blogged out) are fine and harmless. It’s the extra rules that are really starting to annoy him; which are:
I just hope he never finds this blog cos that would spell out HELL for me. Erk.
Go figure but I think I’m too innocent for my own good. Good god, I’m almost 20! I feel like a nun in a brothel. Really. Take for example, yesterday night. First. Hickey. Ever. How sad is that. Actually, I’m relishing the fact that I actually got a hickey so the sad part has yet to hit me.
Anyway, back to the bits that are worryin me…
He is so bloody horny. Like seriously horny. I’m partially flattered and partially a little scared. Flattered cos no one’s tried to get in my pants before. Scared – because no one’s tried to get in my pants before. So it’s safe to say, I’m a little freaked out.
So yeah, I’ve told him to tell me if anything I do is annoying cos I have a tendency not to notice. And one of those things, are my rules. The rules so far (that I’ve blogged out) are fine and harmless. It’s the extra rules that are really starting to annoy him; which are:
- No boys in the house when parents are out
- No you cannot kiss me there.
- You cannot French kiss me after you’ve been smoking – I still have to learn how to French kiss btw
- You cannot touch my ass – even thru jeans
I’ve actually relaxed those rules for other guys (!) but just that I’ve only known him for… a month or so? He’s still new to me. Hehe I’m kinda enjoying frustrating him so much tho. See how long he’s willing to wait – I really should stop with the games…
I’m very protective of myself. That’s true. It’s what he said – and I said that I have to be because no one else is going to be protective of me if I’m not. He said he would! But I said he has no self control – I have proof. He said he does. Should I take his word for it? Maybe I should let him prove that he does. But what if I’m right? Sigh. I should really buy some pepper spray.
Oh, and when I said before that I trust people unconditionally, that means that I trust them… to not screw me over. I don’t trust anyone not to screw me. There’s a difference.
Anyway, not to say that I don’t enjoy making out with him – I do enjoy that. Very much so. But I get to a point where I get so self conscious while making out that I have to stop and I should really get over that. It’s debilitating. I feel bad for him tho. I keep accusing him of being some sex-mad, horny guy. Defence mechanism. Sorry.
My favourite phrase this week is “See how.” It means – in my terms – that there is a possibility that I will [insert verb], but I’m not giving a definite answer. But the outlook is good.
Oh, and another thing he’s annoyed at me for is: the first time he sent me home from netball we took my sunglasses and I snatched them off his head. “Selfish” the word he used. Godd*ammit! I was kidding, you over-sensitive goof! Get over it! If you really want to wear them, you can. I just wanted to get your attention! And I’m sorry if I scratched ur face. Really sorry. But you can be such a big baby sometimes.
So this is what I mean when I say war is so much simpler that this whole… relationship thing. I wont say love even though it may fit the phrase better. He likes and lusts me. HAH. *exxxxxxxxxcellent* (Mr Burns style) and I don’t mean that in its porn context.
I have yet to find a stance on porn. I think I don’t mind. As long as it’s not an addiction its ok? Ok. Not that he's addicted. I hope not. That would be... gross.
He’s noticed that I waaaaay over-think things too much. Don’t let myself go with my heart over my head. Sorry, force of habit. I think I’ll relax more once I get to know you better. But for now, I’m sticking with what I know best. Actually, the last time I let myself go (emotionally, kinda) was with the, um, other one. No names… And that one hurt. So I locked up pretty hard. Lea should know what I’m talking about. Convince me to loosen up! In the immortal words of Shaun: “She needs to get laid.” I’m inclined to agree. Not that I’m actually gonna do it but I agree with the concept. I need to fking relax. And since I don’t smoke, I don’t really have a outlet. Getting laid (metaphorically) – objective 1.
Wow. That is such a weird paragraph to write.
So yes, we have talked about the sex thing. And yes, I’m still a V. Go on, laugh. I don’t care. And I have made up my mind on when: when I’m in love. So he’s got a godd*amn long way to go. Hmm, what are the bases again? Well according to Wikipedia, we’re half way to First base.
Oh. And I just thought of another thing. He doesn’t get me horny. Yet. Well. Yeah, yet. So no chance there buddy. Hah. This it turning out to be such an X-rated post. Oh well. I’m hoping the comments wont be too… “omg Sara, you slut! How can you kiss and tell?!” How can I not? And I don’t see a problem. As long as I don’t go into intimate detail. Right?
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Boy Noise: Vol 3 - Happy news! of sorts...
Wow. So we have progressed.
And things are not as bad as I have feared.
I think I’ll describe it in phases. Of increasing physical contact.
Phase 1:
He. Um. Grabbed my hand. And held it. And I didn’t resist. Ah well. That was cute. And all this was at his friends place while the other guys (his friends) were playing Winning Eleven on the PS2 – on the projector screen! Well, it was on the wall but same diff.
He kinda snuggled against it. It was slightly embarrassing at the time and I didn’t think abt it much but… well, you’ll see.
Phase 2:
He was dropping me home. Same night as the above. We’re at the clubhouse of my condo. We just had this, um, discussion about status stuff. And he kisses me on the cheek. Aww, so sweet right?
Phase 3:
This was… a few hours ago, before he dropped me home. I had just (well not just, but it was like a few hours after) finished netball practice and I haven’t had a shower cos I haven’t gone home yet. He’s driving up to my condo. And he asks what time I have to be back. And I say, “Why? I’m almost home already!” and he pulls over to the side of the road like right opposite the condo and leans over and… well, kinda nuzzles my neck. Silly boy didn’t take off his seat belt. Tho I think that was cos he didn’t wanna freak me out. And we get into this half talking-half nuzzling thing. And he’s leaning over to me and I’m curled up in my seat; and I don't mind so much cos it’s so cute of him. Just that it’s so… dunno. New. Never had a guy who wanted to get so mushy before. There are more descriptive ways to explain this, but its all a little fresh in my head to put into words today.
He tried to kiss me. As in, he was kissing my neck n my cheek and all but I refused to let him near the lips. New rule! You cannot kiss me if you have been smoking. The smell is bad enough – I don’t wanna taste it…
* * *
I kinda like the fact that he likes me so much and that I have finally found some guy that won’t run away. Yay me!
Ok, whatever.
But to be fair, I have no idea why he likes me so much. And he does! And he’s very manja. And in case I forget what manja is: manja comes from the malay word “to pamper” and it’s used in the sense that you will pout and be very child-like to get what you want. And usually it’s used in reference to annoying clingy girls but it’s very suitable for my Boy.
And he IS my Boy now. I asked him and he sed yeah but he was like “aiyah, I wanted to [make a big deal out of it]” kinda thing. And I sed “no need” but I talked to him online n sed, if u really wanna make a big deal out of it, u can – I’ll pretend I never sed what I sed.
So unofficially he is, but officially, dunno lah. But at least I know where we stand. And that’s all I care about. At least I can sleep at night knowing that I’m ok in his books. Hopefully more than ok, but we’ll start there. Let’s not get too ambitious.
I still have to tell him my one (just made up) rule about forgiveness:
I can forgive everything, except one thing – cheating. There is no turning back from that. Trust is something that I give everyone and once you give it away, you cant get it back.
A long speech, but necessary. I think the first line should suffice.
* * *
And he bites. Well not hard, but it’s a little weird. I’m not too fond of the feel of teeth on me but we’ll also see how that goes.
Seeing him tmr! Um, yay?
And things are not as bad as I have feared.
I think I’ll describe it in phases. Of increasing physical contact.
Phase 1:
He. Um. Grabbed my hand. And held it. And I didn’t resist. Ah well. That was cute. And all this was at his friends place while the other guys (his friends) were playing Winning Eleven on the PS2 – on the projector screen! Well, it was on the wall but same diff.
He kinda snuggled against it. It was slightly embarrassing at the time and I didn’t think abt it much but… well, you’ll see.
Phase 2:
He was dropping me home. Same night as the above. We’re at the clubhouse of my condo. We just had this, um, discussion about status stuff. And he kisses me on the cheek. Aww, so sweet right?
Phase 3:
This was… a few hours ago, before he dropped me home. I had just (well not just, but it was like a few hours after) finished netball practice and I haven’t had a shower cos I haven’t gone home yet. He’s driving up to my condo. And he asks what time I have to be back. And I say, “Why? I’m almost home already!” and he pulls over to the side of the road like right opposite the condo and leans over and… well, kinda nuzzles my neck. Silly boy didn’t take off his seat belt. Tho I think that was cos he didn’t wanna freak me out. And we get into this half talking-half nuzzling thing. And he’s leaning over to me and I’m curled up in my seat; and I don't mind so much cos it’s so cute of him. Just that it’s so… dunno. New. Never had a guy who wanted to get so mushy before. There are more descriptive ways to explain this, but its all a little fresh in my head to put into words today.
He tried to kiss me. As in, he was kissing my neck n my cheek and all but I refused to let him near the lips. New rule! You cannot kiss me if you have been smoking. The smell is bad enough – I don’t wanna taste it…
* * *
I kinda like the fact that he likes me so much and that I have finally found some guy that won’t run away. Yay me!
Ok, whatever.
But to be fair, I have no idea why he likes me so much. And he does! And he’s very manja. And in case I forget what manja is: manja comes from the malay word “to pamper” and it’s used in the sense that you will pout and be very child-like to get what you want. And usually it’s used in reference to annoying clingy girls but it’s very suitable for my Boy.
And he IS my Boy now. I asked him and he sed yeah but he was like “aiyah, I wanted to [make a big deal out of it]” kinda thing. And I sed “no need” but I talked to him online n sed, if u really wanna make a big deal out of it, u can – I’ll pretend I never sed what I sed.
So unofficially he is, but officially, dunno lah. But at least I know where we stand. And that’s all I care about. At least I can sleep at night knowing that I’m ok in his books. Hopefully more than ok, but we’ll start there. Let’s not get too ambitious.
I still have to tell him my one (just made up) rule about forgiveness:
I can forgive everything, except one thing – cheating. There is no turning back from that. Trust is something that I give everyone and once you give it away, you cant get it back.
A long speech, but necessary. I think the first line should suffice.
* * *
And he bites. Well not hard, but it’s a little weird. I’m not too fond of the feel of teeth on me but we’ll also see how that goes.
Seeing him tmr! Um, yay?
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Uni Wifi sucks and I'm too distracted for words.
Here I am, sitting in a Contract lecture. Ubër bored. Kay Mi isn’t so bad. I like the shirt she’s wearing today.
I keep thinking about things with Boy and I think I’ve over-thought things somewhat. Bad habit, I know. Scenario is: I told him to back off for a few days because I have to concentrate on my moot. And now even, when I want to talk to him, he seems really distant. Shit, and I think it’s my fault. How am I going to fix this? I’m done with stress by Thursday but he’s got a quiz on Friday. And I’m going to netball practice on Thursday too and I haven’t told him – haven’t had the chance to.
And I don’t know how to handle disagreements. I’m so stuck.
I want to tell him about Thursday and netball and all but I’m afraid he’ll take it the wrong way and think it’s just cos I want him to send me home – which isn’t the case. I do want to see him. and I do totally appreciate the fact that he’s willing to send me home in the first place.
Should I just go along like it’s not a big deal that I brushed him off for a few days? I think I should but I’m too chicken shit to do it. Where’s my moral support?!
How am I supposed to let him know that I like him? Does he even know? Can I assume that he’s ok with everything? I think so. If I act like it, I think he’d go along. I don’t think there’s anything worth fighting or disagreeing over.
Wow. I really do think I’m a fighter not a lover. War is so much simpler to understand than this love stuff. How confusing.
I have to keep repeating this mantra in my head “Think of the good times. Think of the good times.” Tho, I can’t help but think the other.
* * *
Can’t help but feel really lost right now. I guess it’s a compound of being a little lonely and a little sad. I reckon I’ll be able to crawl my way out of this rut.
Can’t wait till Thursday rolls around and I can run all this excess stress off on the netball pitch. Still wondering how to tell him tho…
* * *
I'm in the process of cutting a wisdom tooth too. Le OUCH. Actually, less ouch, more, gummy feeling. Whee! So this is what it feels like to grow up...
I keep thinking about things with Boy and I think I’ve over-thought things somewhat. Bad habit, I know. Scenario is: I told him to back off for a few days because I have to concentrate on my moot. And now even, when I want to talk to him, he seems really distant. Shit, and I think it’s my fault. How am I going to fix this? I’m done with stress by Thursday but he’s got a quiz on Friday. And I’m going to netball practice on Thursday too and I haven’t told him – haven’t had the chance to.
And I don’t know how to handle disagreements. I’m so stuck.
I want to tell him about Thursday and netball and all but I’m afraid he’ll take it the wrong way and think it’s just cos I want him to send me home – which isn’t the case. I do want to see him. and I do totally appreciate the fact that he’s willing to send me home in the first place.
Should I just go along like it’s not a big deal that I brushed him off for a few days? I think I should but I’m too chicken shit to do it. Where’s my moral support?!
How am I supposed to let him know that I like him? Does he even know? Can I assume that he’s ok with everything? I think so. If I act like it, I think he’d go along. I don’t think there’s anything worth fighting or disagreeing over.
Wow. I really do think I’m a fighter not a lover. War is so much simpler to understand than this love stuff. How confusing.
I have to keep repeating this mantra in my head “Think of the good times. Think of the good times.” Tho, I can’t help but think the other.
* * *
Can’t help but feel really lost right now. I guess it’s a compound of being a little lonely and a little sad. I reckon I’ll be able to crawl my way out of this rut.
Can’t wait till Thursday rolls around and I can run all this excess stress off on the netball pitch. Still wondering how to tell him tho…
* * *
I'm in the process of cutting a wisdom tooth too. Le OUCH. Actually, less ouch, more, gummy feeling. Whee! So this is what it feels like to grow up...
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Updates and BOY NOISE!
There have been a multitude of goings-on in my life so pardon me for being absent for quite some time. Chronologically:
1. Chinese New Year
Was fun! I actually enjoyed the family this year. Tho the suckiest thing was not being able to go hang out with my Boy (I forget what I’m sppsed to call him. more on that later). Lots of family dinners. Let me emphasise that there were a LOT of family dinners.
Day 1: Dinner in Aunt Theresa’s – bak kut teh and all.
Day 2: Aunt Jessie’s Wedding thing – dinner at Overseas Restaurant
Day 3: Went out with Boy (I think, I forget what day)
Day 4: Hung out with Hlbh and Durv at home – watching “Night at the Museum”, they ate a lot of the CNY cookies
Day 5: Dinner with Uncle Johnny and Co
Day 6: Dinner with the Mow’s at home – gambling and all
Day 15: Chap Goh Meh – Dinner with the Mow’s again. Gambling. Again.
2. Mooting
Stupid. Stupid stupid. Not me. The damn assignment. I hate having to do this. Stress is coming from two directions – from the actual moot, and from preparing.
Stress from preparing because I actually don’t have to prepare as much as I’m doing. But I figure if I do all the work NOW, I won’t be as stressed on the Thursday itself. I think.
And stress from actually having to stand up there are talk like a lawyer and worrying about not saying the right thing and being talked back to by the judge (Vijaya).
Most people who’ve done it have said it’s ok and when she questions you she just wants to see if your willing to stick to your point and how you handle it. I just fear the worst. Damn me and my anxiety attacks.
3. Law Ball
Actually nothing to worry about here cept that I wanna take my Boy there and there are no more seats. And I have to find a seat without anyone finding out why, tho I think Venon may know why. I asked him about seating, but I don’t know if he’s considered why I asked. I faked an interested friend who wants to go, but wants to sit with me.
Damn, I really want to find a seat for him. Anyone wanna give up yours?
4. Boy Noise
Here we go. Finally.
a) recently, while going thru female problems, I kinda had a panic attack and went totally mad – or at least I think I was mad. PMS makes you very moody so I was freaked and I dunno what he thought then but I think its ok now. Just have to remember to catch it before I do anything stupid next time.
b) and what makes a good girlfriend? A girl who lets you do whatever you want? Or a girl who wants to know what you’re doing all time? I think I may be oscillating between the two – which is why I was thinking about the boy manual a few posts back… I fear I may be hitting the “annoying” button at the same time as the “she doesn’t care” button. Yeesh, this is confusing.
c) what else. Oh right. I am extremely insecure and paranoid. And this is worsened when I am bored. Then I start to imagine what fun he’s having sans moi and I get bummed. Damn. This sounds like a repost of the last dude. I gotta get a more exciting life. I told Peter this and sed, and I quote, “you worrywart!” Thanks Peter. At least I know what to call myself :)
d) Should I assume that he likes me? or is that too much to assume? How important is actually saying “it” anyway? But can you sure if you just work on an assumption? I know they say actions speak louder than words, but words are still there for a reason – to be used.
e) I have just realised that being in a “relationship” or the closest I’ve gotten to one, is actually quite boring. Sigh.
There is no more flirting. There is no more playing catch-and-release, in a manner of speaking. Is this what it’s like all the time? Man. Being in a couple is kinda overrated. And we’re not even a “couple” couple yet. Not sure if we ever will be…
The story is: I’ve been pushing him to say the “magic words”. No, not the “L” word but something along the lines of “I like you” or any question with the word “girlfriend” which pertains to him and me. And so far, he’s been extremely evasive, if not, avoiding the issue altogether. We’ve spoken abt me going to UK, but as far as I know, he’s just filling convo space. AND from past experiences, what guys say, and what they mean, are two very separate animals. Anyway, giving him the benefit of the doubt, I’m going to assume (as I have been assuming all along) that he does like me.
I’m not sure I like him entirely tho. There’s the issue where I do like going out with him but it’s all quite weird when I haven’t seen him for a while and I get stupidly paranoid.
Oh, and bringing back the lists:
How I know he does like me: he leans against me when we watch stuff – football, movies, he touches my knee, he puts his arm over my shoulders when we walk, he avoids the issue of how he feels (tho that may just be a guy thing – not so sure), he drives me home (which is really sweet and I totally appreciate)
How I think he knows I like him: I lean against him when we watch stuff, I turn to him when I semi-squeal in movies, I let him touch my knee, I favour him over his friends (duh, but obv)
How I may be annoying: I msg him randomly (tho not excessively much), I ask stupid questions, I laugh too much, I let pms affect me (I’m trying!),
How I may seem to not care: I won’t contact him for a whole day (24 hours! – ok, happened once, and then he called me), I’ll be quiet when his friends are around (cos: 1. I dunno what they are talking abt, and 2. I don’t wanna be like all nosy and whatnot), I’m reluctant to be all girly ard him and his friends (none of that “oh! Omg! Like omg!” nonsense - I try to be concerned and all, and not all embarassed about it)
I have this awfully strong urge to hug him or smtg but thanks to my remarkable powers of self control I don’t. Actually, I only get the urge when I’m alone, when I’m around him – nothing. I’ve actually started withdrawing privileges such as letting him put his arm around my shoulder on the excuse that it’s just cos I’m short. Damn it. I wonder if he's getting the hint that's i'm getting a little tired of playing games. Tho, i suppose if it's a hint, then he's definately not getting it.
Oh, and we were supposed to go to Sunway Lagoon next week – and I was looking forward to it! But ends up we might not. Damn it.
So in conclusion – I don’t know where we stand. I’m sticking by the phrase “I don’t have a/He is not my boyfriend” and technically that’s true. Tho I wish it were the opposite.
I don’t know what I want tho – do I want just someone to call a boyfriend? Or do I actually want him to be around? Do I just want someone to make out with (very fun!) or someone to care for and who cares for me? Does it matter what I want more? Am I actually going to get the chance to try this out or do I have to keep playing these frustrating games with him?
And so ends another instalment of Boy Noise!
Lea has been super busy with law work in Holland so I’ve been struggling with internal conflict for a while now. I have no idea if what I’m thinking is sane or if I’m just relationship retarded. My Boy is so not ready to hear all this nonsense yet so I’m stuck with speculating on my sanity in cyber space. Man, its quiet out here.
1. Chinese New Year
Was fun! I actually enjoyed the family this year. Tho the suckiest thing was not being able to go hang out with my Boy (I forget what I’m sppsed to call him. more on that later). Lots of family dinners. Let me emphasise that there were a LOT of family dinners.
Day 1: Dinner in Aunt Theresa’s – bak kut teh and all.
Day 2: Aunt Jessie’s Wedding thing – dinner at Overseas Restaurant
Day 3: Went out with Boy (I think, I forget what day)
Day 4: Hung out with Hlbh and Durv at home – watching “Night at the Museum”, they ate a lot of the CNY cookies
Day 5: Dinner with Uncle Johnny and Co
Day 6: Dinner with the Mow’s at home – gambling and all
Day 15: Chap Goh Meh – Dinner with the Mow’s again. Gambling. Again.
2. Mooting
Stupid. Stupid stupid. Not me. The damn assignment. I hate having to do this. Stress is coming from two directions – from the actual moot, and from preparing.
Stress from preparing because I actually don’t have to prepare as much as I’m doing. But I figure if I do all the work NOW, I won’t be as stressed on the Thursday itself. I think.
And stress from actually having to stand up there are talk like a lawyer and worrying about not saying the right thing and being talked back to by the judge (Vijaya).
Most people who’ve done it have said it’s ok and when she questions you she just wants to see if your willing to stick to your point and how you handle it. I just fear the worst. Damn me and my anxiety attacks.
3. Law Ball
Actually nothing to worry about here cept that I wanna take my Boy there and there are no more seats. And I have to find a seat without anyone finding out why, tho I think Venon may know why. I asked him about seating, but I don’t know if he’s considered why I asked. I faked an interested friend who wants to go, but wants to sit with me.
Damn, I really want to find a seat for him. Anyone wanna give up yours?
4. Boy Noise
Here we go. Finally.
a) recently, while going thru female problems, I kinda had a panic attack and went totally mad – or at least I think I was mad. PMS makes you very moody so I was freaked and I dunno what he thought then but I think its ok now. Just have to remember to catch it before I do anything stupid next time.
b) and what makes a good girlfriend? A girl who lets you do whatever you want? Or a girl who wants to know what you’re doing all time? I think I may be oscillating between the two – which is why I was thinking about the boy manual a few posts back… I fear I may be hitting the “annoying” button at the same time as the “she doesn’t care” button. Yeesh, this is confusing.
c) what else. Oh right. I am extremely insecure and paranoid. And this is worsened when I am bored. Then I start to imagine what fun he’s having sans moi and I get bummed. Damn. This sounds like a repost of the last dude. I gotta get a more exciting life. I told Peter this and sed, and I quote, “you worrywart!” Thanks Peter. At least I know what to call myself :)
d) Should I assume that he likes me? or is that too much to assume? How important is actually saying “it” anyway? But can you sure if you just work on an assumption? I know they say actions speak louder than words, but words are still there for a reason – to be used.
e) I have just realised that being in a “relationship” or the closest I’ve gotten to one, is actually quite boring. Sigh.
There is no more flirting. There is no more playing catch-and-release, in a manner of speaking. Is this what it’s like all the time? Man. Being in a couple is kinda overrated. And we’re not even a “couple” couple yet. Not sure if we ever will be…
The story is: I’ve been pushing him to say the “magic words”. No, not the “L” word but something along the lines of “I like you” or any question with the word “girlfriend” which pertains to him and me. And so far, he’s been extremely evasive, if not, avoiding the issue altogether. We’ve spoken abt me going to UK, but as far as I know, he’s just filling convo space. AND from past experiences, what guys say, and what they mean, are two very separate animals. Anyway, giving him the benefit of the doubt, I’m going to assume (as I have been assuming all along) that he does like me.
I’m not sure I like him entirely tho. There’s the issue where I do like going out with him but it’s all quite weird when I haven’t seen him for a while and I get stupidly paranoid.
Oh, and bringing back the lists:
How I know he does like me: he leans against me when we watch stuff – football, movies, he touches my knee, he puts his arm over my shoulders when we walk, he avoids the issue of how he feels (tho that may just be a guy thing – not so sure), he drives me home (which is really sweet and I totally appreciate)
How I think he knows I like him: I lean against him when we watch stuff, I turn to him when I semi-squeal in movies, I let him touch my knee, I favour him over his friends (duh, but obv)
How I may be annoying: I msg him randomly (tho not excessively much), I ask stupid questions, I laugh too much, I let pms affect me (I’m trying!),
How I may seem to not care: I won’t contact him for a whole day (24 hours! – ok, happened once, and then he called me), I’ll be quiet when his friends are around (cos: 1. I dunno what they are talking abt, and 2. I don’t wanna be like all nosy and whatnot), I’m reluctant to be all girly ard him and his friends (none of that “oh! Omg! Like omg!” nonsense - I try to be concerned and all, and not all embarassed about it)
I have this awfully strong urge to hug him or smtg but thanks to my remarkable powers of self control I don’t. Actually, I only get the urge when I’m alone, when I’m around him – nothing. I’ve actually started withdrawing privileges such as letting him put his arm around my shoulder on the excuse that it’s just cos I’m short. Damn it. I wonder if he's getting the hint that's i'm getting a little tired of playing games. Tho, i suppose if it's a hint, then he's definately not getting it.
Oh, and we were supposed to go to Sunway Lagoon next week – and I was looking forward to it! But ends up we might not. Damn it.
So in conclusion – I don’t know where we stand. I’m sticking by the phrase “I don’t have a/He is not my boyfriend” and technically that’s true. Tho I wish it were the opposite.
I don’t know what I want tho – do I want just someone to call a boyfriend? Or do I actually want him to be around? Do I just want someone to make out with (very fun!) or someone to care for and who cares for me? Does it matter what I want more? Am I actually going to get the chance to try this out or do I have to keep playing these frustrating games with him?
And so ends another instalment of Boy Noise!
Lea has been super busy with law work in Holland so I’ve been struggling with internal conflict for a while now. I have no idea if what I’m thinking is sane or if I’m just relationship retarded. My Boy is so not ready to hear all this nonsense yet so I’m stuck with speculating on my sanity in cyber space. Man, its quiet out here.
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