Nottingham Malaysian Games 2008

I’m sore and fking moody as hell. I swing from being soft n squishy to being pissed as hell. If I didn’t know better, I swear I was going thru PMS. And since I’m not, I’m just fking moody.

SORE
Cos I went to Notts on Saturday and played 6 games of netball. Got 3rd place but no medal. Yeah, what the fk, right? Which in short, is why I am

FKING MOODY

1. Cos the head official, when asked, said “yes, there will be a third place medal” which therefore implies that once you are confirmed to have secured third place, the aforementioned medal would be yours. But nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Apparently, Nottingham Malaysian Society does not feel that third place warrants a medal. Which leads me to
2. When I approached the NMS Sports Sec with MSSCF’s Sports Sec, he rather smirkingly said:
   “Sorry, we don’t have a third place medal for netball.”
   “Do you have third place medals for the other sports?” I politely asked back.
   “Only for individual games we give third place medals. Do you want us to make you a medal?” He replied, his words dripping in sarcasm.
   “Yes!” I said.
   “No, it’s not necessary” interrupted our sports secretary. “It’s ok, don’t trouble yourself.”
   

And this is where we are today.

I received a message from one of the netball girls: “How come we didn’t get a bronze medal? One of my friends said football and basketball got a bronze medal.” I didn’t know what to say. “I’ll get you an answer, I promise.” I replied.

And Damn Straight I’m going to get an answer. Even if I have to wring that pathetic NMS Sports Secretary’s neck to get it.

Needless to say, I’m still infuriated at the way I was brushed off by Nottingham AND Cardiff’s own Sports Sec. I figured on Friday, it’s probably just the heat of the moment that’s making me see red. I’ll go to sleep, wake up fresh on Sunday and see how I feel. I was still pissed.

Now far be it for me to question the NMS committee for their decisions but as a participant and an athlete AND a Committee Member myself, I find it hard to justify why there ISN’T a bronze medal.

To be fair: Possible reasons why there aren’t bronze medals

• Not enough money – I seriously find that hard to believe. Over 80 universities attend Notts, each paying registration fees. Plus, if they can cough up enough money to get bronzes for football and basketball, what is so different with netball? And if they say, because they have more teams – what the heck does that have to do with anything? Take the bronzes away from chess and scrabble and give it to us! A game is a game, regardless of how popular.
• We never have bronzes for Netball. It’s tradition. – A pretty crap tradition. Do you still demand that men and women should have separate class rooms and eat at separate tables too? You are autonomous University students. Regardless of tradition, however longstanding, you don’t just follow something because it says you should, there should be a logical defendable basis for any decision. Pardon the lawyer coming out in me but being so limp-wristed and spineless in the face of such a stupid tradition follows that you aren’t fit to be in the committee and kicked out immediately.

Whatever the reason, they are making me harbour an enormous amount of ill-will towards them. And I never give up without a fight.

Solely in my capacity as Netball Captain and Manager, this complete and utter disregard and disrespect towards me, my team, and my University will not be tolerated. I am so disappointed in how Nottingham has handled this event. There will be questions, and there WILL be answers.

End of the Rope

I swear to God, I'm at the end of my rope. There are so many things I have to do. List!

• Take a shower
• Dry my hair
• Sleep
• Pack party things
• Do some work for today

Tomorrow:

• Remember about party things tomorrow
• Go to 3 hours of lectures tomorrow
• Go to the SU and check the room booking
• Buy masking tape
• Buy a pumpkin
• Buy Sweets
  
• Take a shower
• Get Dressed
• Put on Make up
• Eat Lunch
• Decorate Party Room
• Make sure people have a good time
• Clean Up room
• Enjoy Halloween

And I have to hold all this in my HEAD.

I'm more stressed out than tired - don't be fooled by the tag. I'm sleepy, stinky, and uh. I dunno.

Few things I know for sure. I could really use a pick-me-up right now, and I can't wait till tomorrow ends. I really can't. Stress-free heaven lies on the dark side of 10pm tomorrow.

Till then - I shall tie a knot at the end and hang on.

Murphy’s law

“When anything can go wrong, it will.”

So far this week has felt like that.

Wanted to go out; it was raining.
Wanted to sell books; bookshop only takes them in on weekends.
Wanted to go to the gym; was carrying a bag of books.
Went to collect something; it wasn’t there.
Went to see someone; they weren’t in.

A summarily short list but it has roll-over consequences. It builds up one after the other. Especially if you haven’t caught a break in between them it feels as if things are ganging up on you.

* * *
On a slightly different tone, I was listening to Liz Phair’s Favourite and while grooving to the rock riff and the lyrical lyrics I realised what kind of songs I like – I like those that make analogies. Similes, metaphors, and all those words you learn in English lit. Lyrics are important of course and everyone is attracted to music that you can relate to. And if you know me (or read my posts) you will know that the weird way I express myself usually involves a lot of analogies like “chocolate covered train with a gooey marshmallow centre” or some nonsense like that. It works for me. I don’t know why.

I suppose I like to imagine things and when it comes to describing something I can’t describe, associating it to something I can visualise helps.

* * *
I only blog when I’m feeling- well, basically when I’m feeling down, or angry, or sad. Usually not when I’m happy. So those massive gaps in time between posts don’t mean that the previous post represents my feelings/thought/emotions until the next post; it means that nothing really twisted my gut till then.

So by the process of analysis, my gut is twisted as we speak.

I feel so F-ed up right now. There is one thing that’s niggling in the back of my mind which although is a small niggle, is a niggle nonetheless. Then there are the other things. The oppressive cloud of gloom and depressiveness that is looming over me. The things mention in the first bit of this post. The fact that I feel lonely – and that’s noone’s fault.

I feel I aught to qualify that last sentence. It’s nothing that anyone else can do about it. There are certain responsibilities and decisions that I have to take on my own shoulders. There are things that only I can do for whatever purpose. Its not that I don’t have friends or rather, that there aren’t friends around, but it’s more like being stuck on a branch that’s so high up that no one can get you down till the fire truck gets there. It’s rather a helpless situation.

There are so many things that I have to do – tomorrow, this week, this year. Its pretty much weighing down on my shoulders (no wonder my scapula have been stiff and sore since Sunday).

It’s only something time will heal. But until then, I feel like crap. I want to punch something.

What is Love?

Quite a subjective question? A question where personal experiences can’t truly be separated from the subject matter at hand. It was on of those lonely boring nights where I decided I would take the question up with the general public – my general public that is.

Here are the responses that I got when I asked some of my friends “What is Love?”

"as far as i'm concerned, love is an excuse by mankind to dignify the lust that they feel for another during one point or another, it's a chemical reaction in the brain that lasts about 90 days (honeymoon period) proven by many scientists who really have too much time on their hands and don't get laid that often...
love is also a varying degree of admiration and acceptance garnered by one towards another
though in mine eyes it is the work of the DEVIL AAAAAAARGH
hahahahaha"

"God is love"

"Love is... that feeling inside when you look at the one you [love] . Its the feeling like you wanna be there for them when you can and you ALWAYS wanna be around them even when you have no reason to be.
Love is wanting to learn more about that person
Wanting to grow with that person
Love has different levels. Not puppy [love] and all that but [love] to different ppl. You do not [love] your gf the same way you [love] your parents.
There is [love] for siblings and [love] for a [love]r and for me, [love] to God.
But the one I told you about just now is of course, [lover] for a [love]r
Well, in general, I dont need to tell you about [love] of parents or God. Love for God is something else also
But when you [love[ someone, you cant seem to get that someone outta your head. You will feel happy when you think about her thought (sic) for guys, they sometimes dont express it that much.
Yea I am under the [love][sick] situation right now."

"warm fuzzy feeling and makes you skip and smile the whole time"

"hm
being a girl on her period and allowing someone to eat the last piece of chocolate and not killing them for it
cos u know that u can
and u know that they will take it
and u know that even if u dont kill them they will probably buy u more chocolate in the future
and that even if thye dont buy u chocolate in the future u still wont kill them cos its probably due to their lack of realisation that u REALLY NEED chocolate on ur period
hm
yes
and that once they realise all that they will probably laugh and thnk ur rly funny (in a nice way)
and u STILL wont seriously kill them properly
(and the same goes reverse, with something equivalent to periods and chocolate in guys - eg crashing their car)
oh oh and even if u kill them really badly they wont run away
cos its lik
not part of the imagination
intense yars"

"hmm
love is not just about loving someone wholeheartedly
it is more than that
love is based on acceptance, giving and understanding
and not forgetting tolerating
each other
and because of love, u want the other party to be happy regardless of how hurt or sad u are"

"it's something that can't be described in words
well..
i cant put it into words at least"

"Love is a feeling where u like someone and to da extent where it cant be defined..
lol"

"o.O
since there is no response...i would say...
Love is everything"

I won’t put what I think, mainly cos this post really isn’t about me. I did initiate this post as a search for an answer but ultimately there isn’t one. You make it all up as you go along.
I gotta say, I wholeheartedly agree with my best friend (her quote's up there) - if ya'll know me at all, you'll know which one I'm talking about.

Squeaky

This pic is too special to just post on Facebook yet.
Hmm, not to hold with tradition but no Boy's face has been put on this blog. EVER. So consider this an exception to that. Sort of.
Edit: By "Sort of." I mean that none of my Boy's faces have ever been displayed on my blog. And even tho this picture does not show his face, it's the closest I've ever come to putting it right up there on the front page. Rest assured your anonymity is still intact.
Edit-edit: Not so anonymous. Anyone who is mildly PC-literate could probably figure out who you are. But I don't think you mind, right?

Going to Dublin on Friday! It's going to be a hell of a trip. 12.5 hours to get there. 26 hours in Dublin. 11.5 hours back. Thankfully I have The Boy as company. I was going to go even if he wasn't with me but it's scary travelling at 11pm at night.

Not much has happened in terms of classes and all. I suppose I should break it down.

First Impressions of Final Year Classes:
Medicine, Ethics and Law: A highly debatable subject. One where I will be cramming the words of my lecturer and tutors down the throats of my soon-to-be doctor friends. Mwahahaha.
Evidence: Criminal Law under a microscope. Should answer a lot of questions I have about criminal and civil procedure as well as standards of proof.
Trusts: Oh lordy, if it were not for the Lecturer I'd be bored outta my mind. Entertaining and adorable fella.
Jurisprudence: If it's anything like the first few weeks, it'll be full of delays, confusion and mass hysteria. And classes haven't even started yet.
(colour coded to match the highlights in my timetable ;)

Everyone is doing well here. Last year's seniors for the most part are still here and therefore robbing me of my senior status! Bah. Ah well, BVC take them away!
The Juniors are a sweet and cool lot. Should be a wild year - of which I shall be watching intently from the sidelines. Apart from Netball and maybe FOD.

* * *

A quick aside about the picture above: I still get a funny gurgling feeling in my stomach everytime I see it. And I feel like squeaking. I think I may have hamster-itis or something. Weird.

Wretched

I feel Awful. Gut-wrenchingly, heart-rippingly AWFUL. With a capital A if you haven't noticed.

I woke up at 10.14am today. Which is UNHEARD of. Demonstrating the extent of my wretchedness.

Verbal diarrhoea to Lea for about an hour till we had exhausted all possible topics of conversation.

Still feel wretched.

Wretched. Wretched. Wretched.

How does feeling wretched feel like? Like there's an anchor attached to some inner organ located in the chest area and it's been dropped of a bridge. Like I'm being sat on by a really lazy elephant. Like there's a significant increase in atmospheric pressure which makes it almost impossible to breathe. Like I'm bring slowly squeezed to death by a very hungry python.

I think the last one is the most accurate. There's definitely a tight, restrictive binding around my lungs. And I think I'm forgetting when to exhale...

Yeah I suppose this is all sounding way too exaggerated to be real. Sure, Misery loves company. But I hate being miserable. I love being happy. So Why should I make this up. I'd rather I not feel this awful and feel joyful and um. Good. I suppose is the operative word.

Calling this a cry for forgiveness would be such a wimpy way to go but seeing as my attempt to stop feeling so wretched was met with voicemail, I gotta let loose somewhere else. That notwithstanding I'm not gonna give up. But I was all prepared to to grovel a bit and that energy has got to go somewhere.

Wanderlust

I typed this out a while ago. Should tide you over till I get the Penang post ready.

* * *

I’ve never described myself as an avid adventurer. I’m no nature girl, I openly admit that. But I do have an insatiable curiosity about things. There’s never enough that I can learn about something I’m interested in. There’s always got to be something more.

Case in point: Kuala Lumpur.

This sprawling city of old and new, of 3 million odd people, of a multitude of cultures. And if you think about it, no one really knows anyone. I mean, sure there are friends of friends and the whole social networking scene but there’s no actual interpersonal interaction. No one says “good day” while passing on the street. No one thinks twice to look at the person passing them by in the mall. Everyone’s so involved in their own little world that you forget that you’re living in a city (a capital one no less) and your whole universe shrinks to those few people that you decided to pass the time with. And not like that is a terribly bad thing – but it does limit one’s horizon’s somewhat.

I suppose the car culture is partially to blame. As I have come to personally find obtrusive, you simply cannot function in Kuala Lumpur without a car. Public transport is less than hopeless and taxi’s are ripping people off left, right and centre. I think I read somewhere that there are more cars in this city than actual people – which, from a rational standpoint, is stupid. We have road tax. Why pay to keep a car on the road and not driving it half the time? But I can understand the beauty and fascination with cars. I love cars. I love the feel of a good solid car racing down an empty highway to somewhere. Drifting scares me somewhat tho.

But I’m getting off point. Cars and people. Cars are essential metal boxes which allow people to get from point A to B really really quick. And not taking away from the shape and form that they have evolved into but that was their base purpose – basic human transportation. But when you’re sitting in a metal box on wheels you get extremely isolated from everything else. Sure, no one wants to sit in traffic and inhale exhaust fumes but the sense of integration with society melts away. Cars nowadays are soundproof (tire rumble), air-sealed (recycled air-conditioned air) and relatively waterproof. At this point I have to point out the difference between Japanese cars and Continental cars in the sense that the Europeans have regulated that air filters in cars must allow a small percentage of outside air when pumping in cool air-conditioning. Nothing speeds up the conscience of the public than having their own smelly pollution sprayed right back into their face. But granted, the weather over there is different than over here. But even IF, we had cooler temperatures, I doubt the government would be conscientious enough to consider regulating something like that.

I suppose what I’m getting at is the sense of community, or rather, the lack thereof. How can we as a nation expect to strive forward together if we don’t care for the bigger picture? Personally I don’t feel as if the elected government care for the people much so why should I care for the country? I don’t feel obliged to work for a better, more efficient nation when the aforementioned country hasn’t noticeably progressed in the sense of civil liberties or human rights.

Thanks xckd

Indeed. Sigh.

Summer Things

Summer shopping list:

*To fill the empty shell in which my soul once resided... No actually, just cos there's a sale on and I oughta stock up on necessities.

• Yellow t-shirt Bra
  Tho you can never have enough good bras
• Asics netball shoes
  Not necessarily netball shoes, but shoes for netball - BUT Netball shoes would be tres awesome.
• Bikini Bottoms from Bods.Bodynits
  This brand really needs to have more outlets.
• Slip-on Heels of my own
  Cos the ones I have now are a bit troublesome (but pretty)
• Neutrogena Mild Facial Cleanser and Face Lotion
  Both good and light. Not too alkaline.
• Sunglasses
  Oakleys like my last pair or at least a pair made for sports. Rubber side grips are a must. I wants to runs around!

Summer To-Do List:

• Watch mucho movies
• Drink lots and lots - of water (haha GOTCHA)
• People to see - Sha, Ezzy, Grace, Ven, Nads, Elisa, Jem, Azzy, Ili, Dennis, Felix, Daniel, Chia Yin
• People to see again - Lea, Ikh, Durv, Squish, Chel, Syaz, David, Alex, baby cousin Bradley

More Things to Eat:

• Prawn crackery-thing lobak
• State Bak-Kut-Teh
• Hokkien Mee
• Loh Meen
• Lum Meen
• Kaya Toast
• Dim Sum (anywhere) - esp PRAWN CHEONG FUN
• Won Ton Meen / Kon Loh Meen
• Prawn Mee
• Penang Assam Laksa
• Pineapple
• big fat Prawn Crackers
• Mum's Chicken Casserole
• Mum's Chicken Rice
• Mum's Spag Bol
• KFC Hot & Spicky Chicken
• McDonald's Chicken McDeluxe
• Kepong Satay

I'm in the office. Still a bit frosty since dad sounded me off for some layout error which wasn't my fault. Brr to you too sir.

* * *

A vision of a holiday near some golden beach is being squashed in the back of my mind. I'm doing the squashing consiously to stop myself from leaping out of the office window in frustration. Sigh. Oi, where's my excuse to go on holiday at? Cepat sikit boleh tak?

I really wanna get away from KL which is why I'm working NOW so I can take mondo holiday time of LATER.
Ooo, U'd better appriciate this. And we'd better have a kick-ass time! Or Else! (Jkn :P)

HoHum... WOAH

The good kind of woah tho. The kind where u go woah and then smile. And perhaps chuckle at the enormity of the woah.

So yeah, what on Earth am I talking about?

Not that big a deal but I like to share whenever anything cheers me up so this is me sharing.

I was feeling a little glum these past few days - what with work and such and such - and just generally coasting along. Out clubbing with pals and drinking with friends is fun but not the great fun that it could be if said certain person was in town, but hey - a couple of weeks ain't gonna kill me. So right, general feeling of sitting in the doldrums and going "hohum" at everything.

When suddenly...

Ok, so not like I have awful or even questionable self esteem issues. I am pretty satisfied with everything I've been given and some parts that I'm even proud of.

So with mental mindset of: OK, gotta get dressed to go with mum to KLCC, I was out of the shower, dressed in a skirt and t-shirt when I decided to change t-shirts. Just cos I can.

*Male friends may want to avert their eyes at this point - mammaries are mentioned, awkwardness may ensue*

You know that point of taking off a t-shirt where u cross your arms and ur right hand is at ur left shoulder and vice versa? I was facing the mirror in my room and gawddamn - are those really mine? Pamela Anderson can go suck eggs. I've never been a fan of plastic surgery or anything - however good the result, I think it's a bit too gruesome a process. But heck, someone up there in the Big Guy's design department must be a pretty decent guy cos he went: Poor Sara, she's so damn short - I'm gonna give her BOOBS to compensate.

I'm quite aware that I'm luckily well endowed - so when it comes to clothes, my motto is: If you got 'em, flaunt 'em - but don't wave 'em in people's face.

And I know how important bra sizes are to guys, but do guys know that bra sizes are important to women too? It's a slight buzz when you go bra shopping and find that you've jumped up in sizes. I've had the opportunity to experience this at least 3 times (depending on the cut of the bra) and I gotta admit, it's pretty cool - tho slightly scary.

Thinking back on a conversation I was listening in on on night on the way to Maison - boobs are majorly important in determining a girls "hotness" but not the defining factor. Ladies about to embark on breast augmentation take note.

And as proud as I am of my twins, I've always had em around - so dealing with them is not something new. Do a double take or go wide eyed or whatever, just keep the lewd thoughts to a minimum. Advice applicable to all males with regard to all females.

All modestly aside, I say happily brag that I have never worn a push up. Take THAT Wonderbra.

Sigh, silly boy

Ah, this is a purely responsive post, and probably won't make sense to anyone else. But hey, of you know me, you can ask me what's it about.

* * *

Dear Boy,

I'm not comparing you and whatshisface. Everyone is different. That's over and done and you've definitely come out tops. When I say deja vu last year, I just mean with results and the overwhelming sense of failure. Nothing to do with the Boys in my life. Mutually exclusive in a way. So don't worry your round little head about me worrying about this twisting into last year and so on and so forth. Personal and Professional tend to go on different tracks with me.

What else...

Ah, yes. "Inadequate to fill the need" [stop with the naughty thoughts the rest of you]. Venting is venting. All one really needs to do is just not interrupt, as rude as that sounds. Possibly with some affirmations here and there but comfort or words of wisdom are really not required. A pair of ears and a voicebox to go "mhmmm" once in a while is enough. Not to say that that's all your good for, but when dealing with vents, less is more.

I don't want you to ever feel like I think your second best or not good enough or not doing enough or whatever bad adjectives there are. I have standards and I generally stick to them. If I don't like something I'd tell you straight up.

So chin up. Don't worry about me. For the record, I've kinda told the parents and to be fair, its a big deal to me cos it's a big deal to them - me being the only one that they have and the only one that will have to take care of them in the future. I can carry the burden pretty well most times but I admit I have my weak moments. MOMENTS, mind you. One-off things.

I like you. I can forsee that I will continue to like you in the immediate future. So unless you do some major fkup in the relationship department, you're home dry.

*Major fkups include: cheating, serious indifference and general non-effort.

Take care, and I will see you in 18 days.

Love, Sara

* * *

A bit brutal. Not intended to make you (him) cry or feel bad. Just to reassure you that we're solid.

* * *

I have discovered that I'm no good at talking things like this through. I'm way better at writing. More organised. I like paragraphs. There are spaces in between. For some reason, I can't think in paragraphs. More like - shopping lists.

* * *

Lea: when you see me, ask me abt this. I have a new metaphor for you to digest. It's a good one :)

* * *

Note the lack of formatting and colour in this post to reflect the seriousness and somber mood that I'm in. Is it working? Are you reflecting with me?

Another Year

It feels just like 365 days ago. Same situation. Same circumstances. Heck, even same state of being. Found out in the same place around the same time.

Being a law student sucks balls.

CODE MODULE TITLE MARK RESULT
CL2320 INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY 52 PM
CL2324 LABOUR LAW 45 PM
CL3109 TORT [20] 55 PM
CL3412 LAW OF THE EUROPEAN UNION [20] 58 PM
CL3413 LAND LAW [20] 62 PM

I'm going to drop kick anyone who tells me to be happy with this.
One D, three Cs and a B.

Worse than last year. But I can make my own optimism, thanks.

And to gel it altogether in a whirlwind of "piss-on-Sara Day", I went to bed at 1am, with the thoughts of: I shall get lots of sleep because I have to work tomorrow and awake at 8.30 in the morning. I shall not be tired, nor grumpy because I will be fully rested and full of energy.

But no. In conjunction with "piss-on-Sara Day" I was very rudely awakened by none other than Sin Yew - he not caring that some people have to work in the morning or may be sleeping or doing something that doesn't revolve around him.

Now some of you soft hearts may be saying: Sara, don't be so harsh on the boy. How was he to know that you had work in the morning or tht you were sleeping. He just wanted to let you know that the results were out. You can't blame him for trying to help.

First off: I never asked him to call me. I haven not called him since I've been back. Not that I don't like the guy, but 2 years (18 months) of him is more than enough and I can honestly say that my summer holiday would not be lacking if I did not see him once.
Secondly: Regardless of your intentions, who in their right mind calls anyone at 2.22 in the morning? That's right. Just as I've dozed off into sweet sweet slumber and am comfortably resting in my bed, the SHOCK of getting jolted out of REM sleep and having to 1) figure out what the hell that bloody noise is, and 2) having to be concious enough to know its Sin Yew, realise what he's saying and try and politely get him to bugger off.
Thirdly: If i know anything about Sin Yew, he probably thought it was funny. But that's giving him too much credit. He probably didn't care or think about what I could possibly be doing at 2.22am that warranted him to think that I desperately needed to know at that very minute that results were out.

It boggles the mind.

But I suppose I'm transferring. This morning didn't start off well and the day is probably going downhill. I'm going to keep my head down and my nose clean. I just hope that I can hold it in till I at least get home.

And no, I haven't told my parents yet. They are gonna skin me alive.

Happy Crappy Day

Right so there is a sudden influx of horrible mixed emotions which I just can’t deal with.

I am HAPPY cos I passed all my modules and don’t have to go back to Cardiff to resit which means I get to spend until September with The Boy who is flying back after his Graduation.

I am fking BUMMED OUT cos The Boy got a Third Class which means that he can’t do Masters OR BVC and is going to do the CLP in KL which means that after I go to Cardiff I won’t see him for 2 years cos I won’t be flying back to KL until after the Bar.

I am STUBBORN cos I know if I ask any of my friends (and by any, I mean ALL) what to do they will be like: “I might not work in the long run/you haven’t had enough time together/etc etc” and the end result would be complete and utter relationship failure. So I refuse to tell them my situation and have to deal with the same advice being spouted from different people.

I am CONFUSED and TORN between wanting to make it work cos I like him so much and cutting my losses and forgoing a painful break-up in the future. Which sounds better to you? Ending it now on the presumption that I might get hurt (some may consider this a definite result anyway) or Keep sticking by it and seeing where it ends up – sad break-up scenario now avoided.

I am tempted to recall the few long distance relationships that a couple of my friends are in but they are only relevant to the point where it’s long distance. And how can expect him to juggle the time difference AND do his course well – it’s just not fair on him.

I suppose it’s pretty clear where I stand on this issue. If it were anyone else but me, I have a slight inkling of what I would say:

do what you feel is best for you. Be aware of what you’re risking but if you’re sure that it’s worth the risk, go for it.

I hate giving up. I’m no quitter. I’m an eternal optimist and I believe there is real potential in everyone – unless they demonstrate otherwise. LDRs can be done. They can. I have seen the proof. But yes, I know everyone is different and it’s not like relationships are without their difficulties but this just seems: 1) very difficult given the timing and distance (and freaking time difference) and 2) extremely déjà vu.

I feel like a sucker for punishment.

That being said, and after rambling on about justifying my reasons and being balanced about the whole thing, there is one selfish request I will allow myself to ask of him, but only once.

INTERNATIONAL GRADUATE SCHEME. It’s just one more year! And it’ll look freaking ace on your CV!

There. I’ve said my peace. And if you wanna know more about the IGS thing puhlease don’t hesitate to ask! Working at the Careers Service has its perks (Come on! I could SO hook you up!).

Edit: I don't blame The Boy for anything. It's just something we have to deal with.

Edit: I have talked to Lea and I feel a lot better. She says we can commiserate together!

Back in KL!

Yes my darlings! I'm back in the motherland!

It's only been a couple of days (Arrived on Saturday) but I feel like I've been here longer. I think its the amount of stuff that I've done since I've been back.

Making the most of the tropical heat (and humidity!)

* * *

Missin' The Boy. And thinking he's adorable. Man I miss him. Sigh.

Best Cardiff Day So Far

I lurrrrrrrrve Bute Park when the sun is out. Its gorgeous and picturesque and beautiful.

Barbecue with the funniest ladies around. Footie with The Boy (I suck but that's beside the point) and just lazing around in the sunshine on green grass with a clear blue sky overhead. I could not ask for more from today.

It was a short 3 hours spent in the park but well good fun.

I want HUGS

ARGH

I dunno why I've been so stressed lately.

Things to do:

• Pack (for storage)
  
• Pack (for going back)
• Spend time with the Boy
• Chill the fk out

Doesn't seem like a lot of things on the list but they are damn hard to tick off. I haven't packed anything yet cept winter clothes. There are so many things I have to get before i pack as well, like my rucksack from Saiful.

And I would greatly love to spend every second with the Boy just lazing around doing nothing. As long as I have nothing to do. Which is not till like next week.

I want to chill out as well, by myself or otherwise but I just haven't had the time to spend with myself. This chilling out time would preferably be spent whilst The Boy is actually busy doing something else - which means I have no option but to not be with him.

Good grief, do I sound clingy or what?

This is me being in typical girlfriend mode.
Enduring motto applies: if I don't say it, it's not true. But dammit, I'm going to say it.

I wanna hang around him like all the time. Doing whatever menial whatever. Sounds desperately clingy no? Well, fk you then. I mean it sucks that I sound like I've taken a step backwards from being independently super single and self-sufficient. This is different I reckon, I still do the stuff I wanna do, just with an extra pair of legs, hands, ears and lips. Other body parts are there too fyi.

I just enjoy the company. Like, really enjoy it.

Is it wrong that I wanna jump on him and smother him with smooches? Yeah, I'm that kinda gal.
And what with the impending time that I have to fly off looming, I just wanna hang on to him and not let him outta my sight. I think accumulatively, that gives me the right to feel a little clingy, no?

* * *

Also, I've figured out why I dislike the "girlfriend" label so much. It separates the personality from the person. Instead of being "Sara, a cool girl who is fun to hang around with" it becomes "The Girlfriend, sucker of souls and trying to steal our friend from us." Having a girlfriend changes people in a way, priorities change, but the people shouldn't, and neither should how you think of them.

I suffer from Girlfriend complex. The belief that one must act in a different way because they are in a relationship. Which is why I've tried to stay away from labels for this time being. Now it's kinda stuck and I've accepted it, I just have to fight the complex. The clingyness, the not wanting to let go - part in parcel of being insecure, thank you very much.

I have a remedy for this:

"I trust this one." Repeat.

* * *

You know, I wasn't expecting this, but I actually believe it. And I do feel a whole shitload better.

Modern News

First off, let me say

Exams are OVER!!!
Yay!
Ok, so my unexplained hiatus of a month or something has been explained fully right?

On to more recent stuff.

Right now, feeling a bit glum.

I can’t help but feel glum when people I know well are glum. And especially if there’s nothing I can do about it.

I like cheering people up! Not out of pride but I like seeing people happy. Very frustrating when there’s nothing you can do about it. ARGH. Sigh.

In other news, I’ve just been called nice. Now nice is not a word I would use to describe me. I can be very mean and horrible at times – after which I feel terrible about. But thank you very much for the compliment and I fully appreciate it and think it’s a great quality to have. I do try and understand people and not prejudge and listen if they wanna talk but make no mistake that I have no qualms in being rude if that’s what it takes to get the point across. After which I will feel terrible about.

Being nice has a certain walkover-pansy-sissy connotation which I don’t agree with.

I guess I am nice. But not all the time.

Accommodating was another adjective that cropped up. I like that one. Tho the people used in the examples I don’t really feel like I was accommodating them, just being patient.

Ok, ok. So it was the Boy that said all that but it made the hairs on the back of my neck prick up. Damn, it’s such an awesome thing to hear but damn, it does place some added pressure to live up to expectations.

Gotta be wary not to “try” and just “be”. In the immortal words of Yoda:

Do or do not. There is no try.

Hah. Easier said than done.
P.S. Lemme just say, this one maybe special.

In Honour of Mr. Hedburg

I've been dying to say this for ages now. Ever since I heard Mitch say it.

"I don't have a boyfriend - but I know a boy who would be very angry if he heard me say that."

Quote Mitch Hedburg in an appropriate situation. Check.

P.S. Just kidding. But C'mon! It's funny :o)

And I want this, and this and...

I fell in love with it the moment I walked past it in KLCC. Praise to the Master of Complications that is Franck Muller.

I mean just look at it! It is the embodiment of all that I feel inside.
Crazy. Yet functional.
Stylish and quirky.
Simple.

Oh and did I forget to mention HELLA Expensive?
The price range is somewhere in the "thousands of Pounds" range. But warranted since it's framed in gold.

I would so love to own this watch. And I will. The day I earn my first £10,000 paycheck, I'm going to buy that watch. Rolex can F-Off.

Some new, some old

Its one of those late nights where there is something I should be doing but I don’t feel like doing it. I SHOULD be studying but I’ve done all the notes for EU and I’ll start IP tomorrow. Promise!

So the topic of this post is something along the lines of unintentional change – personality wise. And yes it’s got something to do with relationships *cringe* so reader discretion is advised.

N.B. I really don’t like writing posts about relationships because I don’t think there should be anything to write about. It should be easy going and the only thing to do is be yourself etc.

With reference to the above, that’s the whole problem. Once you like someone, it’s hard not to like the same things they like. I mean, sure there are bound to be similar interests and things like that but after a while it’s tough to disentangle your own likes and dislikes with the other persons. Not to say you lost yourself completely but you find yourself noticing and appreciating things that you never noticed before, just by the sheer fact that you like that person.

When you spend copious amounts of time with a person there is a tendency to try and compromise certain things just because you’re gonna have to spend a lot of time with them in the future and you don’t wanna make things awkward. At this time of writing, nothing in particular springs to mind but the feeling still lingers in my mind. I’m pretty sure I’ve been guilty of it a few times – hidden it a lot, been moody a bit. Credit to The Boy tho he’s been a trooper.
The Boy – the title is now officially yours. Not feeling too possessive today, hence the “The”.
* * *

Personally speaking, I find that when I like someone, and they tell me that they like something that I do or something about me; it makes me madly aware that I do it. And unforch it also makes me wanna do it more just by the mere fact that they like it. Then it ends up I do it too often and it backfires.
I mean, I’m aware of this thing that I do so I really try not to do it.

And now to gush about The Boy – he says those kindsa things, but its things I do that I don’t even try to do to impress him or make him like me. Which is nice cos it means I can be myself and be a slob and things like that. *snicker*

And I’m a firm follower of reciprocal affection. Just a memo for the future.

* * *

I don’t know how many people have had this conversation with their partners or lovers or spouses or other halves (unmarried people anyway) but there’s this line of conversation that involves heavily in discussing marriage, kids, kids names, family and the works.

Not to say that I don’t think about it – not to a detailed degree – but it’s more of a general idea than a time-specific plan.

Of course there are some things that I want in life and some things I expect and there are some things that I’ll just wait and see how it pans out. I’m not so good with specific details – because I need focus. It’s always been the case that when faced with questions, I can come up with some surprising details off the top of my head.

* * *

Summer, I can’t wait for you to get here…

* * *

And Surprisingly I've also learned that sex isn't all about the end result. What a blow for the porn industry. Not literally of course.

Freakin Habit

Bleh, not normal for me but what the hell.

Suffering from withdrawal-type symptoms.

Compounded by the fact that I am out of phone credit. Well, not completely - I have £0.77 balance left. I have a whole bunch of free text messages but the lack of ability to call people is annoying.

That plus the almost complete inability to focus and study.

I am unbelievably frustrated.
So not funny. I could kill for a bit of relief.

*angry growl*

I think it's...

Gosh what is this feeling?

Overwhelming sensations of warmth and tinglyness that I wish would never go away. It truly radiates from deep within my heart and I can almost hear the contented sigh as is flows through my arteries and all over my body, right down to my toes.

I just watched 27 Dresses and don’t get me wrong, it’s a god awful movie but I’m a sucker for romantic happy endings so forgive me if I wax lyrical for a bit.

I think I’m going to have to watch some kick-ass kungfu action flick to offset the overload of dopamine that’s probably making me feel this way.

The thing about romantic comedies (from a girl’s perspective) is that when we watch it, we always put ourselves in their place. Regardless of how similar in characteristics we are or even if we would make the same decisions. Girls really just want to be wooed and chased and swept off their feet – in not such dramatic terms but along the lines.

Now I’m not your typical girly girl. I don’t like pink and I don’t like being all cutesy (unless it suits my purpose). I do like shopping but I tend to do a quick browse rather than a full scale rummage. I enjoy football – watching it mainly - and running around. I refuse to be limited by the fact that as a girl, I am a victim of my emotions but there are a few things I will readily admit to as being influential to my moods and therefore reactions. I get PMS. I do get mood swings. And as previously stated, I’m a sucker for happy endings.

I don’t know why that part of being a “girly girl” is evident in me and why the other emotional components aren’t. I’m a hopeless romantic and a cynic at the same time. I truly do believe in love at first sight and I think I’ve been a witness to it but I highly doubt that’s ever going to happen to me. I believe in everlasting love but yet again, not involving me.
There are so many good things in this world that happen to great people and I honestly believe that they do exist – I just can’t picture it happening to me – so if anything along those lines remotely seems to point to that direction, I can’t help but be cynical.

I question myself: why? Why be so cynical and disbelieving in my own fortune in, um, that area?
I blame history. But I shouldn’t really. I’m smarter than that.
I blame trust issues. But that shouldn’t count towards new things now should it?
I have to protect myself. Which is true. But to what extent?
So therein lies the question of Why?

There are a million excuses I could give before finally hitting the nail on the head but I doubt you want to hear it. It’s long winded and boring and probably you’ve heard it before. So without out going into details as to the what, let’s deal with the solution.

The quick fix solution is easy and fun and dare I say it, non-committal. Distract oneself until I grow up and have to make the real choices in life, because as is painfully obvious to me everyday, I am so very much younger (and unfortunately immature) than everyone else.
When I was younger, people used to say that I was very mature for my age. I would converse with people age groups above my own. I could hold an adult’s attention by the mere words that came out of my lips. I was used to being thought of as smart and educated and mature. But as I grew older and school came along, all that didn’t seem important. I wanted to play. And be a kid. And I think even until now I love living that childhood that I don’t remember having.

I’ve been reckless and foolish to put it bluntly in terms of stuff that people take a while to consider. Thinking back, I don’t regret anything that I did – I knew what I was doing and I accept that things had to end - but I just wish I knew then what I know now.

That is, not everything is so serious. There are times when you put everything you have into something just at the flick of a finger and times when you carefully wade into the shallows before you dive head first into the deep end. I shamefully say that I picked the wrong action for the wrong scenario.

But that was then.

So what has brought on this long babbling post about romance and the heart stuff and all that mushiness? I would be lying if I said that events of today had not altered my perception somewhat but in truth it’s the sappy chick flick known as 27 Dresses.

In the end, the reason that I like those movies isn’t the acting (heck no) or the storyline (well in part), but it’s the ending. Of course they never show you what happens afterwards – fights, divorce – the realities of life. But the endings are those picture-perfect moments that make all the ache and stuff worth it I think. And that’s what I think I’m hoping for. The movie plot sets the scene that tells you why it’s so special, but if it happens to you, then you know the past and you truly appreciate the fullness of emotion leading up to that moment.

Romantics like me tend to live moment to moment. It’s those glorious blips in time that make the sloppy journey all worthwhile. A true romantic (which I consider myself to be) is not fazed by the grand gestures of love and affection. We are touched by the deeper meaning behind it. You could hire a parade of flower floats declaring your undying love for someone but that would pale in comparison to a hand written note scrawled in crayon from the person sitting next to you that said “I Love You”.

Big WOAH right here. Don’t take this to mean this is what I or any other self proclaimed romantic wants. This is just emphasising the point about sincerity being the most prominent thing when it comes to these things. So if there’s anything that you take away after reading this blog (in addition to the encapsulating awe that you feel for me as a magnificent blog writer), let it be this: be sincere. With deepest feeling and the whole of your soul say it and make it be true. Don’t over do it but don’t under appreciate it.
Because for a certain few and a great many girls, that’s all that really counts.
And trust me; it will hold you in good stead in the long run.

Now I have to go and hide my head because I’ve just let out the secret to making a girl fall in love with anyone.

Prime Example

Major mental meltdown yesterday.

Must. Get. A. Grip.

Was probably over-reacting.

Freak out has died down.

You can come out now kiddies. I'm more or less rational again.

A bit embarrassed I told so much but at least its out there now. Free to roam and probably return to bite me in the butt.

O My God What Have I Done

I may have mentioned before that I have slight neurotic reaction to stressers.
Edit: And by neurotic I mean panicked and blabber mouthed.

Aaaaand stressers include getting hit by shocking statements.

Aaaaand these statements include those that make me choose between heart and head. Like right at that very instant.

I don’t wanna expose too much, this being kinda personal and all but I still feel bad. Felt like a rejection.
And: that’s not the implication I meant.

It’s not a flat out no. But it’s not a yes either. It’s a “gimme-a-bit-of-time-and-I-have-to-think-about-it” answer.

Emotional baggage to be addressed of course. It’s still a bit soon so I don’t know whether I’m still reeling or even rebounding (if at all. I don’t feel it, but it could be one of those suppressed things you hear about). And granted we spend and have spent ages together and what with all the ensuing drama, it feels more spontaneous and electrifying (oooh, what a word) than a 2-week thing should at this point. Or maybe it’s just what would happen anyway regardless and I’m over-analysing again.

I think I’m over-analysing. Because I panicked. And rocked my mouth off again. At the wrong time. I think I need more feet because I keep sticking them in my mouth constantly.

Emotional baggage aside – UnnamedMale (you have yet to adopt the official label so this is what I’m calling you ;) hadn’t considered the Summer Cardiff-KL issue. I have. Extensively. And as per protocol – I’m just seeing how this will pan out. Now, Tomorrow, Later, In the Future.

And back with emotional baggage – I have horrible history and a huge chip on my shoulder about these things and I agree wholeheartedly that every one is different and I think and feel the same via vous. I really appreciate that you took it in your stride and made me feel crappy about being so caught up in this “generalisation of guys” issue, at the same time. Kudos to you matey (And no, I’m not angry).

I can’t help but draw from past experiences and keep telling myself to not jump the gun on things like this as I have yet to show prudent and mature decision-making with regards to my relationships with Boys. So I don’t trust myself at all. However, I am not so wimpy with my ways as to listen to whatever people are barking at me.

Internal monologue is on repeat and it says: Go only as far as he is willing to commit to. No more, no less. But less is ok because of self preservation.
Trying to prevent emotional death. Again.

* * *

Not one of my more elegant posts but today’s been pretty turbulent and a bit disappointing. My expected up, became a downer. Which stabled out for a bit. Elevated slightly but dropped dramatically. Wavered on mediocre for a bit and is still fluctuating like a monkey on a rope (???).

Wow, even my metaphors are suffering today.

* * *

Regardless of what I said yesterday – it would be nice to hear from both of my greatly appreciated readers.

Mild desperation with a hint of oops is the expected forecast for tomorrow. With warm smiles and intense flipping-out to be headed towards the Continent (The Netherlands in particular).

* * *

Just as a last minute addition - I'll come clean on my mental whereabouts so that noone's lost. In, dare I say, relationships, my attitude is all or nothing. Rather intense I know but that's how it is with me. Not to say I always plunge in, but I tend to wallow around fully clothed as it were. I'm not the sort to make rash decisions but the decisions I make I stand by them as if my life depended on it. It's not like me to second-guess myself - it's not something I like doing, nor am good at. So if I'm in, I'm in for the Whole Hog. The Long Haul.The Big Bang.
I've mentioned my on-off switch right? It's off right now. Do you dare turn it on? Ain't it lovely fun being rhetoric in blogs? Cryptic it's not.

Oh dear

Instead of blogging about the stressful few days when Saiful was "disappointed" in me for dating a smoker, I am instead going to focus on things that I am certain, or at least pretty sure about.

• Make outs are fun. I highly recommend them to pretty much everyone. Tho make sure you pick a suitable, erm, person. It's like buying a used car - cept you don't really want a brand new one. Lightly used, not to many miles on it and in good condition. Follow those criterion and you should be fine. And no, you can't borrow mine. Possessive tense for comedic effect only.
  
• I fear I may be going bimbotic. Again. The whole "Wheee!" no-brainer thing is causing me to lose more brain cells - or at least use more of them to remember less academically inclined subjects.

• Men are not to be trusted. Long term LDRs are shite. Tho proof has come in 2 forms, it's like those Bigfoot sightings - sure, people have actually seen them but you're still skeptical anyway. Must remember this. No matter how tempting it is to consider otherwise. Carpe Diem dammit!

• Must be wary of Saiful. Darnit Jem! Why'd you have to plant that notion in my head? That talk still haunts me. Eugh. Everything's got a new spin on it now...
  

• Which leads me to: Must be more careful with what I say to people - guys in particular. I don't want to become Cheryl. Lea! Tell me that I'm not becoming Cheryl! I will bury my head in sand if that is what it takes to de-Cheryl me.

* * *

Lea. I really need responses on this. Uh, no pressure k. I know ur busy. When u are free and not wanting to think about essays... Non-urgent stuff this.

Bring your Brollys!

HUJAN was in Cardiff! Yay!

Ok, so on to more exciting (i.e. me) stuff.
Hehehehe.

I think we have this Thing. (This is not a secret btw, but it kinda feels like it). We're not a couple. Nor do I want us to be at this point. But its getting harder trying to find a name for this whole situation. Far be it that I dare to label us.

Ah wells. I have decided - at least for now - to not think about it. Not until June or something crops up. So Live for the Moment! Carpe Diem! and all that stuff. You only get one life to live right?

And having said that - I'm having so much fun *super mega ultra grin*

First something.

Friday was fun. And as it ran into Saturday it got better.
Can you spell romantic?! Like OMFrickinG.
HAHA.

Oh no. No details. Kinda fuzzy right now cos it's been a run of late nights.

* * *

And 1st Days are a bitch. A fricking BITCH I tell you. And Aunt Flo couldn't have come at a worse time. Curse of the bloody crimson tide.

Quickie Numero Duex

This time i have to run out cos I'm supposed to go play badminton with some buddies.

Just been speed-reading thru some previous posts and although I hate doing retractions or qualifying anything I write - what with my current mood right now - I feel like it was so very melodramatic.

The panic attacks and freak outs are still quite vivid in my subconscious and by no means do I discredit their legitimacy or foundation for being, but OMG, I can really let it all out huh?

Yes yes, all I wrote down then is and was real at the time.

Just that when you're feeling pretty happy and all is good with the world, its hard to believe that you could ever be so stupid.

And this post is getting closer and closer to marshmellow central...

Which reminds me:
Lea: Remember what I said about the inevitable and unavoidable train crash? Well that train has turned into a marshmellow choo-choo driven by unicorns and filled with a soft chocolatey centre.
For anyone else: don't even bother to try and figure out what that means ;)

Quickie

Here's a quick post coz i gotta go to a HUJAN Meeting - somewhere.

There's been a spate of retractions lately ain't there? I hope that in no way reflects on my fickle nature. Not totally. I mean. Um. Nevermind. Heh.

Right, so what was I going to say?

Ah yes.

Emotional Rollercoaster Week!
Monday (24th March) - Excited. Worried. Bummed.
Tuesday - Uber worried. Stressed. Panicked.
Wednesday - Confused. Less worried. Pissed. Annoyed.
Thursday - Fickle. Confused. Determined to figure out what's going on.
Friday - Tired. Stressed. Really Bummed.
Saturday - Excited. Tired. Confused.
Sunday (Easter) - Holy (hahahaha). Excited. Normal (!). OK. --> Really OK *grin* Happy!

N.B. Will edit this post in lovely colours later.
Edit: Editted!